VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: WWE New Year’s Revolution 2006

VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review WWE New Year’s Revolution 2006

Welcome to a review of one of the most stunning pay per views I have ever seen.

On the pre-show, there’s an assload of hype and a decent Snitsky vs. Chavo match. Depending on your opinion, Chavo either exploits or invokes the spirit of Eddie to rally. He wins it with a frogsplash to “Eddie” chants.

IC Title Match – Edge vs. Ric Flair ©:

– Ugh what a horrible match to start the PPV. Lita’s got a new warped ‘do. I guess bad hair is a heel thing.

There’s a spot where Edge leaps off the apron at Ric, eats a chop and lands flat on his back. It sounds like it should be awesome, but it just isn’t for some reason. I guess to make it look like it should, you’d have to risk killing yourself.

– Poor Ric takes that suplex on the floor bump… cringeworthy every single time.

– Ric goes up top and the crowd goes “NOOOO”. Edge comes over for the toss, but Ric gives him the eye poke! And Lita! And he hits a double (single) axe handle and the crowd loves it. Great spot.

– Ric has added a “I will hump you” thrust to his strut, pretty gross. He does it as he is cinching in a figure four on that damn jezebel, Lita. Edge slides in and pops the old man with the briefcase – HARD – for the DQ. He pummels away on Flair as the bell is rung.

– Ric’s blood is bright orange for some reason. On the way up the ramp, Lita sells the figure four like her leg was destroyed… awesome.

Sometimes entertaining. Edge’s schtick is so forced, and he just cannot have a good match on his own.

Winner: Flair by DQ

Backstage interview with Angle. Angle casually starts saying heel things – He hopes the US loses the Iraq War, he doesn’t really like black people, and he wishes he could have made Jesus tap out. This lame crowd has mild reactions to all this. I think this was scripted assuming the crowd would react to each comment. Angle then explains that he can say anything and these idiot fans will cheer him. He says it’s because everyone knows he’s the greatest wrestler in the world.

Risky segment! Why mess with success? Why not just stop trying to force heelishness, without just flat-out stating things? It will be interesting to see what happens from here.

Women’s Title Match – Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus©:

– Mickie’s theme is beyond awful. Right out of 1985 WWF. SPUNKY GIRL MUSIC!

– Had high hopes for this one. Not a bad match, but very stilted and they went from chops to finishers with nothing in between. This crowd is frickin silent for this and most every other match on the card. Mickie does get some medium sized chants, though.

– They do lots of hammerlock reversals which I think the WWE thinks will impress fans in a Jerry Lynn/RVD kind of way.

– Mickie goes for that clutch rana but Trish looks like she was supposed to turn it into a powerbomb..? It got messed up, Trish goes for a sloppy pin and falls out of the ring when Mickie kicks.

– The ladies exchange stiff strikes, the crowd is into them. Mickie’s punches kick ass right here.

– Most of the big spots are just set up too slow. We can see Mickie pause and leap way before Trish makes the motion of giving a spinebuster. And Trish waits way, wayyyyy too long to deliver the headstand headscissor toss after the set up.

– Both ladies deliver a Stratusfaction, and both times the victim clearly hoists the attacker so they can deliver the move. It’s not a nitpick. Any regular or casual fan would probably roll their eyes.

– Trish ducks a “Mick kick” and hits a Chick Kick for a hard-fought win.

Disappointing. Not terrible at all, but the diva gauntlet later in the show had much smoother wrestling in it. I still say Mickie is easily the best women’s wrestler in the company. She looks so natural in there. She does everything well. I think she actually has to slow down for her opponents.

Winner: Trish

Maria is backstage, interviewing herself. Sheesh, nothing is subtle in this company, ever. Helms pops up and says he’s going to bury the creepy old man Lawler. He leaves and walks by Shelton and his mama. She wants her boy to get some food and not to backtalk to her.

Meltzer mentioned a month or two back that he finds it funny that the WWE is doing lots of WCW angles during their worst era, but that they don’t even realize it because they haven’t seen those shows. Shelton’s mama = Judy Bagwell. If there’s a Shelton’s Mama on a pole match, then Meltzer’s got a slam dunk.

Ad for the “fine don’t work with us we’ll rewrite your history to make you look as bad as possible” Ultimate Warrior burial DVD.

Lawler vs. Helms:

– Coach is totally annoying in this one, hyping up Helms in such a fake stereotypical heel manner, it’s just way, wayyyy too much.

– To experience this match is to experience what UFO abductees refer to as “missing time”.

Winner: The King

Shelton’s mama is backstage at the catering table. Viscera’s swinger lights are in full effek and yes his theme music plays. He wants a piece of Shelton’s Mom and they have an awkward argument. She is offended and decides to go get Shelton to beat him down.

HHH vs. The Big Slow:

– I think I covered my thoughts about this match in my blog.

– HHH hits a weak looking pedigree, lies around for a bit, then covers for the win.

– Wait wait, there is one funny spot I forgot to mention. HHH has battered Show’s hand. HHH mocks him by doing Show’s pose and then makes a “ow my hand is all messed up” gesture. Hilarious stuff. I like HHH the most when he does funny, natural things like this.

I can just tell that this match is going to be over-rated. I like midcard HHH, but he is not bound by the conventions of any other wrestler in the company. Also, de-roided HHH rules. I find it more real to see these guys without the gay fantasy physiques. Aitch looks like a guy who just ripped his shirt off in a bar fight. He looks like a real dude who will whip your ass – not a “sportz entertainer”.

Winner: AitchAitchAitch HOO HOO HER HUH HUH

Backstage, Carlito and Masters plot. Masters very clearly has tits right here. There is no other way to describe them. They’re actually meaty and drooping. Pec implants that need a touch-up, I say. There’s a funny bit where Carlito slaps him on the chest and then has to wipe off the body oil.

Shelton vs. Viscera:

– This is my second viewing. The first time I watched this, I just went on the internet when this match was on. I also felt that this was an abysmal PPV.

– I begin to wonder if I should stop skimming this with my fastforward button, when I see Viscera dry humping Shelton in the middle of the ring. No that’s not a joke or an exaggeration. The skimming continues.

– You know, I think when the WWE returned to USA, Steph and her crack team of TV writers sat down and watched old USA Raw shows from 1998. And now they’re trying to be edgy – like Jerry Springer was in 1998. Doesn’t work in 2006 too well, does it?

– Shelton wins after his mom weakly wipes her hand bag on his face, and Shelton hits the swing kick. Crowd groans at the finish. And then they resume whispering to each other.

So you think this will ruin Shelton’s career? I can see him eating some “Where’s your mama” chants in JAPW.

Winner: Shelton

Backstage, Vince tells HBK he has no chance of winning the chamber match as he is entrant #1. I took this as meaning HBK was going to win. This feud is so nonsensical. They both screwed Bret. And HBK railing against authority is the weakest variation on this angle yet.

Divas Gauntlet:

– Maria is entrant #1 and I am hoping she makes it the whole way through. She doesn’t. But get this – she faces off against Candice and they FLOW! They are smooth! Everything is executed to perfection! Maria’s back bumps are Grade A, I must say! Do these two have chemistry or have they been training their asses off or what?

– Maria goes to war with her top off and it rules. She escapes Candice’s awesome hanging choke and takes her pants off (man, wrestling is weird) for the elimination.

– Then Torrie comes out and she is looking real stringy and gross. She needs some meat on her bones, says me. She looks good in the ring too! What the hell?! Maria defies the odds, making Torrie drop trou while she’s arguing with the ref. Crowd pops for that spot.

– Then out comes Victoria, looking smoking hot. The writing on her shirt is very revealing. It says: “Let’s get this over with” heh heh. For some reason, Victoria’s standing moonsault just isn’t getting over big like I think it should. Crowd boos heavily as Victoria eliminates Maria, who was wearing stockings… eugh.

– Now this is the part of this show that is really, really odd and disturbing. Mae Young comes out, yeah yeah for her millionth “Oh my God she’s flabby” segment. I’m not complaining, it’s fun, but I’m just trying to set you up for what happens next. She undresses and is wearing old people underwear. And then she goes after Victoria’s top. But Mae doesn’t want the top, she wants the bra, too! Victoria is freaking out as Mae tears into her shirt and pulls up her bra. Victoria’s shirt is covering her chest, but she is literally huddled up as if a mixed martial artist is unloading on her. But Mae won’t stop trying to whip out Victoria’s boobs! The ref is trying to hold her back and Victoria is yelling to get her away, but Mae is a woman possessed.

I could be totally misreading that, but it looks to me like Mae was out of control right there. Victoria clearly didn’t want the entire world to see her boobs, but Mae didn’t care. Really disturbing.

– So then, once Maria is eliminated, we all sense that the WWE is going to force Ashley on us. And here she comes. You know, it’s those dumb clothes she wears. With the trucker hat and the fingerless gloves. It’s so fake. BUT, she wins in a cool way. She counters a Widow’s Peak into a de-pantsing for the win. And then Ashley decides to strip for us. Not in a silly striptease way, just a “I know what this is all about” kind of way.

Crazy match. I enjoyed it. It was FAR, FAR better than it should have been. A lot of talk for a bra and panties match, huh?

Winner: Ashley

Elimination Chamber Worls Title Match – HBK vs. Kane vs. Masters vs. Carlito vs. Angle vs. Cena©:

– TONS of “Cena sucks” chants throughout. Most of the time, it sounds like 90% of the arena is anti-Cena. It’s insane. I guess the kids have picked up on their older brother’s hate.

– Lillian explains how the “superstars” will be in cages and how the “superstars” can be eliminated. It’s all part of the ancient and storied tradition that is “professional superstarring” (tm and copyright Vince McMahon). What’s sad is that TNA called it’s wrestlers “superstars” as well, until Vince threatened to sue. TNA are all puppets of Vincent K. McMahon.

– Even in this red hot match, whenever the focus is on Masters, the arena goes silent. Literally. He is a heat sink.

– Cena, upon his entrance, looks at the chamber with a real natural facial expression of fear.

– HBK and Cena start off. They do this ridiculous spot where Shawn is lying on the ropes, Cena kicks him and each time HBK bounces wayyy up into the air. It looks utterly fake. Coupled with HBK’s “I don’t care about this match” facial expression, I wonder if he’s doing this crap on purpose, like his alleged intentionally goofy selling in his Summerslam match with Hogan.

– It makes me glad to hear that though the crowd cheers anyone who touches Cena (aside from Masters), HBK gets a mixed response. Good, that guy is pissing me off in this match.

– Carlito is in next, and the crowd roars! He beats down Cena with a forearms and a dropkick. Then he charges and hits a SENTON on Michaels – on the grating! Right there is when I began rooting for Carlito. In this match, he actually is able to DO STUFF within the confines of the WWE style.

– Carlito gets back in and hits the best-looking russian legsweep I’ve ever seen – or maybe it’s a reverse Rock Bottom. Whatever it was, it looked great. The crowd actually boos each and every punch Cena lands on Carlito.

– Angle comes in and GOES TO TOWN! The men roar as Angle german suplexes each guy twice! Then he suplexes HBK and Carlito on the steel grating! This is all right in succession, he just tears through everybody.

– Angle cinches in an ankle lock on Carlito, and apparently he is supposed to be saved by Masters entering the chamber. But the problem is, Carlito is in the hold forever, and it gets a little silly. Not a big deal though, and forgettable in the grand scheme of the match.

– Get this: Masters goes for the Master Lock on Angle! Angle is all “fuck that” and slips straight down as Masters tries to cinch it in. In one motion, Angle switches into an ankle lock! The crowd roars.

– Cena, for some reason, breaks it up by trying to give Angle an FU, but Angle rolls into the anklelock! Cena is about to tap when good old HBK superkicks Kurt and pins him. Thanks Shawn!

– Kane comes in and goes to work against Masters and Carlito. Carlito gives Kane poor Matt Striker’s Lung Blower, which the crowd gives a big “OOHHHHHHH”. Masters and Carlito eventually eliminate Kane through team work. So it’s those two vs. HBK and Cena, now.

– HBK hits a superkick on Cena and is about to pin him, when Carlito gives him his finisher (the twisting DDT move that everyone tries to get over but it never does) and eliminates him! Crowd is shocked… then boos.

– Cena actually pummels Carlito and Masters to gigantic boos. Finally, Masters chucks him onto the grating to give the heels time to recover.

– Masters and Carlito give Cena a double second rope superplex (!). They have a gentlemanly discussion over which guy will eliminate Cena. Carlito insists that Masters do it. The Masterlock is applied, and Carlito quickly rolls up Masters and eliminates him. It’s down to Carlito vs. Cena, but it’s over in a flash. Crowd cheers more than boos – and right after that, Cena rolls up Carlito and wins! The crowd is shocked, but Cena’s fans finally become vocal and cheer.

Good match! Very promising that they allowed young guys a chance to shine. This deserved a much, much louder crowd.

Winner: John Cena

Vince comes out right after and announces that “someone” has decided to cash in their money in the bank clause RIGHT NOW. The crowd garbles, shocked. Edge’s music hits, and he hands over the briefcase to Vinnie. Lita is with him. Everybody is going OH SNAP!

Edge vs. John Cena(c)

– Edge lays the boots to John as a bit of an “Edge” chant breaks out. Then, just like that – SPEAR! 1,2,3! It was only 2, says the ref… super-hot nearfall. Crowd boos!

– So Edge sets up again – SPEAR! 1,2,3! Crowd cheers! Edge is the new Champion?!?!

Wow

Winner: Edge

The crowd’s pop does not last. We see Edge standing in the ring, emotional. He is holding the spinner belt. Hey, it’s still a world title.

Overall – I don’t know how historically significant this show will end up being. But right now this is an OH MY GOD pay per view, even though the undercard was pure shit.

I had been hoping that the WWE would just not touch Angle vs. Cena and ride it. I was hoping that it would be the main event of Wrestlemania. That’s still a possibility, as this could be a way to extend the feud and prevent it from burning out early. But I am thinking they’re bailing out and trying to re-tool. Hope I’m wrong.

What bothers me iabout all this is that I was just about to write a column called “Cena vs. Angle – Pro Wrestling vs. Sports Entertainment”. I think the fans voiced their opinion pretty forcefully. Ahh maybe I’ll write it anyway.

I give this show a FOUR out of FIVE. Just for the shock value and the good main. But man that undercard blew.

I’ll have a Monday Night Review up.. probably sometime Tuesday.