411’s WWE Raw Report 09.03.07

Welcome to the 411 WWE Raw Report! How will WWE’s flagship brand cope in the fallout from the weekend’s steroid scandal? Going in to the show, I intended to not be to critical considering the circumstances, but then I remembered that they got themselves into this mess and now they have to get themselves out of it. Let’s get on with the action!

The WWE intro video rolls followed by clips from last week’s show, more specifically Randy Orton kicking John Cena Sr. right in the head. Cue Papa Roach’s “To Be Loved…” and the Raw intro vid which has again been mixed up. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are ringside as always and tonight we’re at Ohio State University.

Tonight, Randy Orton addresses John Cena and Triple H goes one-on-one with Carlito. Also, the McMahon family confront Vince!

Intercontinental Championship – Umaga vs. Jeff Hardy

Big pop for the former 3-time IC champ as we see what went down last week when Umaga damn near kicked Jeff Hardy’s head off then nailed him with the ASSALANCE and SAMOAN SPIKE. Jeff’s hair is out of control tonight. Looks like he mixed his hair dye with a bag of skittles. They are delicious.

Umaga tosses the belt at the referee and we are underway. Jeff avoids a clothesline and fires off with rights but gets caught with a knee. Hardy runs straight into an uppercut and goes down. Umaga pulls him up and knocks him down again with a right before using the middle rope to choke Hardy, who turned 30 this weekend, out. Hardy runs into a back elbow this time. Umaga pulls Hardy up and knocks him down with a hard headbutt. Hard Irish whip sends Hardy sternum first into the turnbuckle. And again, this time back first. Umaga is in firm control here and chops Hardy into the corner. Umaga with rights now. He backs off but misses a charge. Hardy gets the mounted punches but is shoved off. Umaga back drops him to the apron but Umaga super kicks him to the floor as we go to break.

We come back and Umaga is still in control. He applies that nerve hold he likes to utilize. He adds a few stiff elbows to the side of Hardy’s head as he keeps the hold applied. Hardy gets to his feet and fights out of it, off the ropes and gets planted with a Samoan Drop. Hardy is flat out here as Umaga goes to the second rope, but MISSES a headbutt as Hardy rolled out of the way. The referee counts both men to a count of 7 and Hardy blocks a right, hits some of his own and eventually nails a mule kick which reels Umaga. He goes for a sunset flip only for it to be blocked. Hardy moves out of the way and nails a low dropkick. Jeff goes for a Twist of Fate but gets shoved off – WHISPER IN THE WIND! It gets a long two count. Hardy to the second rope, gets caught, spin out sidewalk slam for a near fall for Umaga. Umaga goes to the top rope, Hardy shakes the rope, Umaga falls. Jeff covers and gets the 3! **¾

Winner – And NEW Intercontinental Champion, Jeff Hardy!

Hardy is shocked that he got the win, but he did. Umaga is furious in the ring as Hardy leaves up the ramp.

Tonight – Triple H vs. Carlito and the McMahons are here!

We are back and JR spoils ECW tomorrow night, I won’t do that, because I’m nice like that, although you all probably know by now anyway. We see replays of Hardy winning the IC title and during the break, Umaga trashed the ringside area.

Backstage, Vince and Coach discuss things. They have the greatest legal team money can buy. Vince says the best defence is the best offence. Carlito is here with a shorter afro. Vince wants to know if Carlito was embarrassed last week and he was. Vince changes the one-on-one match to Carlito and Umaga vs. Triple H. Carlito says that’s cool.

Santino Marella is outside the divas locker room and Maria comes out. She wishes he’d have checked with her before asking GM Regal if she can have a rematch. He’ll come to ringside tonight. She is gorgeous.

William Regal asks a stage hand where John Cena is. Melina is here and tells Regal about her meeting with Vince. Regal says that’s filthy. Melina turns around and Steph is there. She goes to slap her but doesn’t. Melina turns around into Linda McMahon who slaps Melina. Ron Simmons is near speechless but manages… DAMN!

Santino Marella and the next Mrs. Wilcox aka Maria are out here now.

Maria vs. Beth Phoenix

First, Santino gets on the mic and tells Ron Simmons when his arm is better he will embarrass him. Shut uppa yo face! He’s Italian and adds class to this city. Sandman is here! Santino doesn’t know why he’s coming here. He doesn’t understand and doesn’t know this guy. Santino tells him to back off. He thinks Sandman is jealous of the fact that he makes love to Maria while Sandman makes love to his stick! SMACK! Sandman beats the crap out of Marella all the way up the ramp using the Singapore cane. **

Phoenix is out now and the match can finally get underway. She quickly hits her delayed fisherman suplex for the win. Beth has a mic now and she’s cashing in her title opportunity at Unforgiven and Candice Michelle will face a diva unlie anything the world has every seen before; the uberdiva, the glamazon, Beth Phoenix. She hits another suplex on Maria.

Winner – Beth Phoenix

Candice is here now and they face off. Candice checks on Maria while Phoenix walks out.

William Regal is in the ring. He shows us what happened to John Cena Sr. last week. Regal has given Orton the night off but he’s here via satellite. Orton says what he did last week was Cena’s own fault and he did this to himself. His father’s blood is on his hands. Cena could have prevented this from happening if he had accepted the rematch. Orton asks if he wants that rematch now. He thinks so. Regal makes the match for Unforgiven. Orton thanks him and says he deserves it. Orton tells Cena that he hopes his father never forgives him for what he let happen to him last week. Cena walks out with no music. He’s pissed. Cena walks down to the ring as Regal wants him to back off and is just doing his job. Cena gets in there and knocks Regal on his ass. Right s to Regal who bails. Cena follows and they brawl over the announce table. Cena applies the STFU on the floor! Referees are out here now to try and make Cena relinquish the hold. *

We see highlights of what just went down.

Tonight – Carlito and Umaga vs. Triple H plus the McMahons are here!

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch are here at ringside.

London and Kendrick vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

The winners face the champs at Unforgiven with the titles on the line. Kendrick and Haas start us off and they mat wrestle early with Haas getting the advantage, controlling the arm despite Kendrick’s attempts to nip out. London gets the tag and gets the elbow off the rope onto Haas’ arm. Tag to Kendrick who does the same. And again only this time a double stomp to the arm by London. London runs into a kick and gets thrown with a German suplex. Stiff kick by Haas now. Tag to Benjamin who comes in with a press-slam into a gut buster for a near fall. Suplex/hilo combo by Haas and Benjamin. Benjamin back in with a kick. He applies an abdominal stretch but London fights out of it. Benjamin stops him getting the tag and Haas is in now. Hard kick to the ribs of London. London avoids a charge and there’s a collision of heads and both men are down now. London again nearly gets the tag, he kicks Haas off and Kendrick is in with dropkicks and enziguris to Haas. Dropkick to Benjamin. Over the top catches Benjamin! Clothesline off the top gets 2 on Haas. Crossbody by Kendrick gets 2. London backdrops Benjamin over the top as Kendrick avoids a charge and nails Sliced Bread no. 2 gets 3! **½

Winners – Paul London and Brian Kendrick

The champs get in the ring to congratulate their new challengers. They applaud them and offer their hands. London and Kendrick reluctantly accept.

Backstage, Shane McMahon walks past William Regal who is receiving treatment in the back of an ambulance.

Carlito gives Umaga a pep talk and tells him to take his aggression out on Triple H who was apparently laughing because he lost the Intercontinental Championship.

Vince is talking to his lawyers. He wants to know his money is protected and they reassure him. Vince tells Coach he will replace Regal. One of the lawyers suggests a settlement but Vince says that’s too defensive and fires him.

Daivari and Jillian vs. Mickie James and Cody Rhodes

Jillian takes the mic and tells us she has an album coming out and it will blow Lilian’s out of the water. She’s just had her wisdom teeth out but will still perform for us tonight. She asks Lilian to pay attention. Daivari and Jillian do a duet of Summer Lovin as Cody and Mickie interrupt.

James and Hall start us off. They lock up and go to the corner. Hall gets a cheap kick and tosses Mickie down by the hair. Hair toss by Hall. James comes back with a clothesline and an Irish whip. Kick to the jaw by Mickie and Daivari gets the tag. Cody in and gets an atomic drop and an arm drag. Shoulder knock down by Rhodes followed up by a hip toss and another arm drag. Arm wringer by Rhodes but he gets backed into the corner and Daivari whips Rhodes to the other side and gets a clothesline for 2. Slam followed by an elbow drop gets 2. Daivari controls the head but Rhodes fights out only to run into a back elbow. More elbow drops by Daivari. He knees Rhodes repeatedly in the back of the spine. USA chants. Rhodes fights out of a chinlock and they slug it out. Back heel trip, spinning toehold but Rhodes gets shoved off. Bulldog bets 2 for Rhodes. Hall in but she gets taken out with a spear from James. Jawbreaker by Daivari. DDT by Rhodes and that’s it! *½

Winners – Cody Rhodes and Mickie James

Umaga and Carlito vs. Triple H

Carlito starts and Umaga provides the distraction and Carlito attacks. He beats down Trips in the corner but hten takes a clothesline and some rights from Triple H. Triple H rips at the hair of Carlito and tosses him across the ring. Carlito gets tossed to the floor and then The Game calls in Umaga. Carlito in from behind but he gets taken out. Umaga assaults Triple H and they double team, causing for the DQ. *

Winner – Triple via DQ

They continue beating down Triple H. Superkick by Umaga knocks him down. Backstabber by Carlito! Umaga nails a flying headbutt off the second turnbuckle. Carlito grabs a chair and places it in front of Triple H’s face in the corner. Umaga backs off but Triple H moves out the way of the ASSALANCHE and Umaga eats the chair. The Game has a chair and takes it to Carlito’s ribs, then the back. He unleashes on Umaga but he won’t go down. KILLS HIM WITH A SHOT TO THE HEAD! Trips NAILS him again. He goes down to one knee. Triple H goes to the floor and gets the sledgehammer! Umaga is up – Triple H NAILS HIM WITH THE HAMMER! Umaga is down and busted wide open. He’s getting up so Triple H KILLS HIM with a shot to the back of the head! Game over for Umaga! Carlito scarpers.

Vince is walking backstage. He’s up next.

Unforgiven:
WWE Championship – John Cena vs. Randy Orton
Mark Henry vs. Undertaker
World Heavyweight Championship – Great Khali vs. Rey Mysterio

‘Rise Today’ by Alter Bridge is the theme song; great track by the way.

Vince is here with Coach and the attorneys. His name is Vincent Kennedy McMahon but we can call him Mr. McMahon the patriot of the McMahon family. It’s all about the money. Oh, so that’s why Cryme Tyme were released – gimmick infringement. We all want a hand out. Linda is here. Linda wants to explain something. She’s the CEO of WWE and already has plenty of money and doesn’t need his. Thanks to Coach who paraded out on TV all the women he’s slept with, she can take him to court and take him for everything he’s got. Vince says she doesn’t understand. He was on the road and worked his fingers to the bone and he’s the reason all these people are here. Shane and Stephanie will understand.

Stephanie is here. Vince tells her she’s the volatile one in the family. They’ve had good times together and he wants to let her know that he put a video together of Daddy’s Girl. It’s called a Father’s Love. A video shows of Vince beating Stephanie in an I Quit Match from No Mercy 2003. Awkward. Coach says someone sabotaged it. Triple H is on the tron. He wants to know why they’re looking at him. He says he had nothing to do with that. Triple H – “Hey, Steph!” Cute. Steph says she still loves Vince but he’s sick and needs serious help and if he doesn’t get it than he should step down as chairman of the board.

Shane O Mac is here! Vince is sure he doesn’t feel the same. Shane says it’s tough to say. Which McMahon is he talking to? The pioneer and fearless leader or the other guy, the arm-flapping, grapefruit-swinging, death-faking egomaniacal lunatic. Ohio – “Asshole!” Vince – “The next time you call my wife that name, I’m gonna beat the hell outta ya!” Shane says he needs to change and stop embarrassing us. If he wants to change, it’s up to him to do so. Shane always wanted a brother. Vince wants to confess. He says all the affairs he’s mentioned never happened and he only said they were to build his own ego. He only ever cheated on Linda once. He feels like he can change. He goes down on his knees before his family. He’ll be a better father, husband and human.

KENNEDY!

He hates to do this… Coach cuts him off. Kennedy says everything happens for a reason like the reason he came face to face with him the night he found out the bastard was a WWE Superstar and there’s a reason his last name is Vince’s middle name and he demanded the identity of the bastard be revealed next week in Kennedy’s hometown of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Kennedy calls Vince dad. He says he’s Vince’s son. Stephanie calls him a bastard but not Vince’s bastard. Kennedy tells “sis” to cool down. He says He doesn’t have to change for anybody. He says Vince inspired him to become the greatest WWE superstar in history. KENNEDY!

…KENNEDY!

…McMAHON!

They embrace. A lawyer comes onto the stage. He represents the woman who gave birth to the bastard. The DNA tests confirms the son is not Mr. Kennedy. Vince wants to know who it is. He’ll let us know next week on Raw but in the meantime, a clue – “things are looking up.” Ooooh, ominous. **

Thoughts: One word – boring. Nothing exciting. Nothing must-see. No real angle advancement in the two big storylines. All we know about the Vince thing is that it’s not Kennedy. A waste of two hours and the worst show in quite some time.