The Name on the Marquee: The WWF’s Most Unusual Matches Ever! (1985)

-Just a quick note before we get started…If you happen to watch “The Price is Right” on Monday (the 26th) and you notice a guy sitting front row center in the audience with glasses and a Hawaiian shirt, that’s me. And the blonde sitting next to me is my roommate Jennifer, who, as always, is making sarcastic comments about the stuff that she watches at Fancast.com

-Well, this week’s offering seems like a no-brainer when you’re a wrestling promotion launching a line of home videos—a best-of tape that’s nothing but gimmick matches.

-Hosted by Jesse “The Body” Ventura, who, for some reason, is using a “Holocaust documentary on the History Channel” delivery for his narration.

LUMBERJACK MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE (Champion, with Jimmy Hart) vs. TITO SANTANA
-This is from the MSG show that took place a week before Wrestlemania, where Greg was already slated to defend the title against Junkyard Dog. I really, really hate it when wrestling promotions do this. Honestly, do you think anybody who came to MSG for this match believed Tito was winning? It makes me nuts when they do a title match when they’ve already announced a title match for a future show. In the same vein, it drove me up a wall when they were building up Flair vs. Michaels at WM24 with Flair’s career on the line. How did they hype it? By having Flair wrestle with his career on the line every week on RAW! He shouldn’t have been in the ring at all leading up to that show!

-So we start things off by having Jesse explain the origin of the “lumberjack match.” In Canadian lumberjack camps, if two men had a disagreement, they would fight it out in the middle of a makeshift “ring” comprised of the other lumberjacks standing side-by-side and pushing the two fighters back to the middle when the action threatened to spill outside. England, it should be noted, also invented a style of “lumberjack match” in which the participants would eat lunch, press wildflowers, then put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars. Today, this style of lumberjack matches is usually only seen very late at night on public television.

-Oh, right, the match. Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse Ventura are on commentary. Your lumberjacks are Barry O, Matt Borne, Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy, Terry Gibbs, Charlie Fulton, Junkyard Dog, Rocky Johnson (actually called “The Rock” by Gorilla!), Jimmy Snuka, Ricky Steamboat, and about 20 photographers milling around ringside waiting for Mr. T’s appearance at the same show.

-Valentine attacks during the referee’s instructions and hammers away. Eyerake and Tito ducks a clothesline and comes back with a right hand and some stomping. Valentine ducks out for a breather, but he does it on the heel’s side so they actually let him stay out there for a while. Valentine begs off in the corner but Tito catches him in mid-cheap shot and gets an atomic drop and a kneelift. Valentine ducks out for another breather, and JYD forces him back in this time. Integrity preservation takes us to another bail-out by Valentine, but this time he does it on the face side and gets tossed right back in, and Tito fires away again. Valentine escapes again (We GET it!) and Snuka forces him back in. Tito fires away and Irish-whips Valentine, but Valentine meets him with a boot and tosses him out of the ring, and now the heels are happy to immediately toss him back in the ring. Greg tosses him out again, and now the faces let him rest for a moment, irritating King Kong Bundy, who, by the way, somehow looks rounder in street clothes than he does in wrestling gear. Greg finally goes for a figure-four, but Tito reverses it for a small package…Okay, I take it back, the crowd totally believed a title change was coming there.

-Integrity preservation takes us to Santana firing away at Valentine. Valentine tries to escape, but Tito yanks his tights to force him back in, because if there’s one thing my video & DVD collection was lacking until now, it was Greg Valentine’s bare ass. Tito with a lot of knees and stomping, and now it’s his turn to go for a figure-four, and Valentine blocks it. Valentine shocks me by actually bailing out, but the lumberjacks block him. Tito comes off the ropes with a running forearm, rather than a flying variety, and Tito finally gets the figure-four locked it. Jimmy hops on the apron, and the referee is distracted long enough for Studd & Fulton to pull Greg over to the ropes. Slugfest is won by Tito. He sends Valentine across the ropes and their heads collide, but when they both fall over unconscious, Valentine’s leg happens to be draped over Tito’s arm, and the referee counts the pin! 1 for 1. There’s not a doubt in my mind that this would have been a better match in its full form, as the editing was intent on making absolutely sure that we understood the rules (jumping from one false escape to another, etc.) instead of being intent on just making it a better match. What was there was still good though, and thumbs-up for the finish.

INDIAN STRAP MATCH: CHIEF JAY STRONGBOW vs. GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE
-Valentine had drawn insane money for Mid-Atlantic Wrestling with a feud against Wahoo McDaniel that had started with Greg breaking Wahoo’s leg. When he finished his tour in Mid-Atlantic, Vince Sr. brought him up to New York to do the same feud all over again with Strongbow. That’s the kind of stuff they would do all the time in the territory days.

-Greg attacks during the referee’s instructions (stick with what you know, folks) and stomps away in the corner. Valentine pounds, or “hammers” as Jesse puts it…Hey, you know what I just realized? “Hammer” would be a great nickname for a wrestler who uses clubbing blows and elbows. I wonder if anyone else has thought…Oh, right. Strongbow is already bleeding because you didn’t piss around with that kind of stuff in the territory days. Strongbow, uh, Chiefs up and fires away with the strap. Valentine tries to escape from the ring (stick with what you know, folks) but Strongbow stops him. Integrity preservation takes us to a Valentine comeback. Strongbow walks away for a breather, which you should really only do if you’re a heel. Jesse immediately shows why he was an awesome commentator by pretty much saying the same thing. It turns into a brawl outside the ring, with a guardrail, chair, and post all getting involved, but Valentine comes back by choking Strongbow with the strap. Chief Jay comes back with fists. The referee tries to intervene, but Strongbow kicks him, much in the way that the white man has kicked his people for so many hundreds of years. There’s just no competing with anger like that, and the referee shouldn’t have tried. The referee signals for help, and Tito, Ivan Putski, and Dominic DeNucci run in to break up the fracas and the referee calls for the bell. Valentine runs out of the ring for a chair, but a fan who weighs every ounce of 400 pounds grabs the chair from him, and Greg is all too happy to spin around and just punch the shit out of the guy until security gets to him! I can’t believe they left that on the tape. 2 for 2, mostly for post-match shenanigans, but there was some good stuff in this match.

TEXAS TORNADO MATCH: JIMMY “Superfly” SNUKA & JUNKYARD DOG vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER & COWBOY BOB ORTON
-Texas Tornado stipulation is one you don’t hear about very often. It’s simply a tag team match with no tagging, all four guys just go at it at once. Orton accidentally backdrops Piper, and the faces ram the heels into each other. JYD does his rolling headbutts on Piper while Snuka beats the hell out of Orton. Orton falls out of the ring and Piper runs the hell away. Snuka follows him and they brawl outside the ring while JYD & Orton go at it inside the ring. Damn, they’re keeping it moving, I gotta give them that. The formula they’re going for here is only having three guys go at it at once, so, babyface gets hurt, lies around sells for a while to take a breather while his partner is “in trouble,” then the faces come back, a heel is hurt, and the remaining heel gets destroyed. We finally slow it down with a double chinlock by Piper & Orton. Integrity preservation takes us later in the match to a…well, a double-chinlock by Piper & Orton as Gene stupidly declares that “We have got action in the garden!” If ever there was a hard, unbreakable rule for commentary, it’s that you must declare “We have action!” during the slowest part of any match. The faces break the holds, and Orton & Piper retaliate with double sleeperholds. Fuck in a sink…

-Integrity preservation takes us to the faces coming back by holding hands with each other (yup) and ramming the heels together. Snuka headbutts away while JYD Irish-whips him in the corner. Heels come back and Orton goes to the top rope, but Snuka catches him with the knees. Piper & Snuka go out of the ring to brawl for a bit as JYD takes care of Orton. Piper rams Snuka in the post to KO him, then runs to the apron to hook JYD’s leg as he attempts to go off the ropes, and Orton sneaks in for the pin. 3 for 3. You know what? I remember hating the hell out of this match, but fast-forward through that one marathon chinlock& sleeper spot and what’s left outside of that is actually a pretty fun brawl.

10-WOMAN BATTLE ROYAL
-Oh, thank god, old women’s wrestling; this will bring the point count back into balance. Anyway, this is from the late 60s and pinfalls count in this one. Gorilla helpfully identifies Paula Kay, Masked Venus (wearing a Mr. Wrestling II-style mask in an unintentionally funny visual), Cowgirl Sue Green, Peggy Patterson (must be Pat’s wife), Black Panther, and Donna Christenello. They keep doing mirror-image spots, so it’s more like a synchronized swimming demonstration in an empty pool than it is a wrestling match. The finish is blown ten ways from Sunday. They do a spot where Sue Green is on the receiving end of a slingshot but manages to land so she’s getting a sunset flip in the process. They whiff on that and cover by doing the same spot with the roles reversed…and they whiff on that. Anyway, Sue Green eventually falls ass-backwards into a victory and we can all pretend that this match never happened and move on now. 3 for 4, just as I expected. They should have saved this for the “Most Unwatchable Matches” compilation; put it on right after a David Sammartino-Brutus Beefcake ironman match or something.

20-MAN BATTLE ROYAL
-This is from the July 1984 “Brawl to Settle It All” MSG show. Your all-star line-up, courtesy of History of WWE, includes the Wild Samoans, Jose Luis Rivera, Butcher Vachon, Tony Garea, Chief Jay Strongbow, Steve Lombardi, Cowboy Bob Orton, Charlie Fulton, Ron Shaw, Terry Daniels, Iron Sheik, Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch, Tito Santana, Paul Orndorff, Sgt. Slaughter, and Antonio Inoki. Wow…One of these things is not like the other. It’s every battle royal you’ve ever seen, but they’re at least surprising the hell out of me with how long the jobbers are surviving. Shaw, Rivera, Goulet, and Lombardi all outlast the three guys with title belts in this match (Murdoch, Adonis, Santana). Funny commentary from Gorilla, who acknowledges all the photographers at ringside but doesn’t acknowledge the Women’s Title match that happened early, and he actually tries to indicate that they’re here for the battle royal. Mm-hmm. Your final four are Tony Garea, Ron Shaw, Rene Goulet, and Antonio Inoki…Pick the winner right now. Surprise, surprise, it’s Inoki, and this had to be the last match on the card because the crowd absolutely hauls ass to the exits as soon as the bell rings. 3 for 5.

STEEL CAGE MATCH FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: MAGNIFICENT MURACO (Champion) vs. JIMMY “Superfly” SNUKA (w/Buddy Rogers)
-You may have heard of this match. Superfly circles the ring to examine the cage and we briefly glimpse a shaggy kid in a flannel shirt giving the “I love you” sign for Snuka as he walks by. That kid would eventually go on to make the world a better place for all Mankind.

-Muraco irritates me by ramming himself into the cage a few times to warm up…Uh, Don, you’re gonna have to sell that later. Fisticuffs and Snuka gets the early advantage. Collar and elbow lock-up, followed by more punching and chops by Snuka. Muraco crawls over to the door, exposing the logic flaw in the escape rules, but Snuka stops him and rams him into the turnbuckle. More chopping, but Muraco comes back with a knee. Muraco slingshots Snuka into the cage and we have blood, folks. Cheese grater by Muraco. Irish whip by Muraco but Snuka blocks him and tries to climb out. Muraco stops him and rams him into the top of the cage. Muraco gets him in a fireman’s carry on the top rope, and they would have had a totally different outcome for that spot today, but in 1983, Snuka simply catches himself on the cage and crotches Muraco on the top rope. Muraco gets the upper hand back on the mat and heads for the exit, but Snuka stops him. Muraco retaliates with a low blow. Muraco goes for an Irish whip, but Snuka reverses it and Muraco does a GREAT sell off of it. Snuka with a headbutt and now Muraco is busted open. Superfly with a forearm off the second rope. Snuka fires away at Muraco. Snuka headbutts Muraco off the ropes, and unfortunately, he headbutts him too hard because Muraco falls backwards through the door and onto the floor, retaining the title. We’re seeing some creative finishes on this tape, I’ll say that. Snuka isn’t pleased, so he drags Muraco back into the cage, KOs him, and seals his place in history by getting a Superfly splash off the top of the cage. 4 for 6, but barely, believe it or not. The finish and the splash are keepers, definitely, but the match itself was actually a bit of a disappointment, given the legend surrounding it.

JIMMY “Superfly” SNUKA & ARNOLD SKAALAND vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO & CAPTAIN LOU ALBANO
-Buddy Rogers had been the catalyst for the Superfly face turn, and they subsequently spent an entire year building a Rogers/Albano manager feud. When the time came to pay it off, 62-year-old Buddy went and screwed everything up by breaking his hip, and now we’re getting a blow-off match involving a different manager.

-Muraco charges at Skaaland, but Skaaland dodges and follows up with a pair of hiptosses to surprise the magnificent one. Muraco dodges a move by Skaaland and brags, but Skaaland surprises him with a bodyslam, and then punches Albano, who does some of his trademark Ridiculously Bad Selling. Integrity preservation takes us to Skaaland dodging a move by Muraco, punching Albano again, and small-packaging Muraco, all in one continuous motion. That looked pretty good, actually. Snuka finally tags in and Muraco is terrified. Snuka punches Albano, who sells it for a tenth of a second then walks back over to his corner like nothing happened. Shoulderblock by Muraco, but Snuka catches him with a chop and a headbutt. Headlock by Snuka, but Muraco makes it to his feet and tags in to Albano, who can’t even perform “I’m scared” correctly. Albano & Muraco double-team Snuka in the corner for the advantage. Muraco tags in and dishes out more punishment. Snuka comes back, but then goes after Albano, and Muraco sneak-attacks to regain the advantage. Captain Lou re-enters and pounds away at Snuka as Gorilla strangely compares the Captain to a robot. I don’t remember C-3PO having such poor metabolism. Muraco tags in and holds up Snuka, but Snuka moves and Muraco eats a big and presumably smelly forearm to knock him to the mat. Skaaland runs in and punches away at Captain Lou while Snuka comes off the top rope with a bodypress to win. 4 for 7. Not terrible or anything, but Albano couldn’t even do a manager beating properly and it actually made the match annoying to sit through when he was in the ring.

SIX-MAN TAG: HAYSTACKS CALHOUN, “High Chief” PETER MAIVIA, & LARRY ZBYSKO vs. MOOSE MONROE, BUTCHER VACHON, & STRONG KOBAYASHI
-Actually a TV squash from the late 70s, meant to highlight legendary fat guy Calhoun. Not much to say beyond that, actually. Calhoun tags in, does some fat guy moves, and then wins. As fun to watch as it was to read. 4 for 8.

BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE FALLS: ANDRE THE GIANT, ROCKY JOHNSON, “Superfly” JIMMY SNUKA, SALVATORE BELLOMO, & PEDRO MORALES vs. SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM, PLAYBOY BUDDY ROSE, RAY STEVENS, MAGNIFICENT MURACO, & MISTER FUJI
-Jesse emphasizes that this bout has a two-hour time limit, which would have been a spectacular way to cover for no-shows if there had been a blizzard in Philadelphia the day of the show. There wasn’t a blizzard and therefore no need for a two-hour match, so instead will just get a lot of cute booking and spots. Weird audio-mixing here, by the way; Gorilla is dubbing new commentary for the match, but with the original commentary track faintly audible in the background. (I caught two very clear “Wooooooooo”s from Dick Graham.)

-Johnson fires away at Fuji, who retreats in the corner for a moment, then tags in to Buddy Rose. Johnson does some of his 200-MPH offense of monkey flips, hiptosses, and leapfrogs, and every bit of it is just crisp and perfect. Proud as I’m sure he is of his son, Johnson definitely deserves a better legacy than “Rock’s dad.” Stevens tags in and Rocky just armdrags the hell out of him until Muraco tags in. Integrity preservation takes us to Snuka headbutting Muraco on the mat. Pedro tags in and punches away. Muraco tags out but he’s in the wrong corner and gets double-teamed. Andre tags in and boots him out to the floor. Muraco, back in the ring, goes for a side headlock, but Andre fires him into the ropes and bends over so Muraco rams into his ass and Muraco gets the hell out. Integrity preservation takes us to Muraco, back in, airplane spinning Bellomo until he gets so dizzy that he falls over and almost pins himself accidentally. Buddy Rose does his own airplane spin. Mister Fuji comes in to add his two thousand yen, then tags in Ray Stevens, but Bellomo escapes and tags in Snuka, who Gorilla calls “the wild Samoan” in a weird moment. Muraco eats a headbutt; Pedro tags in and he & Andre double team him. Johnson tags in and punches away, then tags Andre in, and Andre headbutts him so hard that Muraco gets his head tangled in the ropes. Integrity preservation to Bellomo & Fuji going at it, but Fuji catches him with a belly-to-belly suplex and scores the out of nowhere pin for fall one. Yes, that was just the first fall. I think I’ve already decided to give this a point.

-Fall two: The rules say the fall has to begin with the two men who ended the last fall. Fuji calmly picks up a still-groggy Bellomo, but Snuka comes off the top rope and dropkicks Bellomo on top of Fuji for the surprise pin and the match is tied.

Fall three: Fuji tags in Buddy Rose, but Bellomo manages to get over to Snuka and tags him in. Snuka with a sunset flip…for the pin. It’s a damn good thing we got treated to that first fall, I guess. Faces lead 2-1.

Fall four: Buddy & Snuka start with a side headlock. Shoulderblock by Buddy but Snuka meets him coming off the ropes with a chop. Andre tags in and gets a chop of his own. Buddy tags Fuji, who doesn’t want to come in, but when Andre starts to take advantage, he actually knocks Andre loopy and tags in Muraco. Stevens chokes him in the corner, but Andre fights him off with a headbutt, then Flair-slams Muraco from the top rope and chops Muraco off the ropes. Now it’s Buddy’s turn to get mauled. Cute moment of internal continuity as Andre does a double-noggin-knocker bit with Stevens and Snuka, his own partner, but of course, since it’s Snuka, it doesn’t phase him at all and hurts Stevens twice as badly. They may be racist, but at least they’re consistently racist. Stevens crashes to the mat and Andre sits on him for the pinfall, and the faces take the match 3-1. Ah, hell, I’ll still give it a point. 5 for 9.

Classical music means we’ve reached the end. As always, go to Game Show Utopia after you’ve run out of other websites to look at.

The 411: I can think of worse ways to spend 90 minutes...some of which I've already reviewed for this site. Anyway, the non-battle royal matches provide a pretty good variety of brawls and historical moments, and Fall One of that final match is actually a lot of fun. Feel free to take a look.
Final Score:  6.3   [ Average ]