The SmarK RAW Rant – July 28 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – July 28, 2003

– Yes, the world is shocked, SHOCKED, that I have given Vengeance the prestigious “best PPV of the year so far” award even with Undertaker going over John Cena clean. Can the WWE put on two good shows in a row? STAY TUNED!

– Yeah, so anyway, what you might consider “principle photography” in the movie sense is wrapping up on my next book tonight, as I finish off the last chapter and move onto some quick edits stemming from recommendations from those lucky enough to get an early, early look at the book, before submitting the book at the end of the week. Then the REAL work begins. Sigh. No firm release date at this point – they’re talking about October 2004 – but for contractual reasons it can’t be any LATER than that. So basically, don’t get all worked up about pre-ordering and stuff for quite a while. I will through out a teaser and note that the book covers everything from the Invasion in 2001 up until Wrestlemania XIX, and features newly rewritten and revamped match reviews and format for anything I had access to (i.e., the stuff from RAW & Smackdown had to stay the same unless it was on a DVD release), WAY more analysis and opinions on just about everything (I think I dedicated 8 pages to the gay wedding alone) and an entire chapter on HHH. Look for “One Ring Circus: The Death of the World Wrestling Federation” sometime in 2004.

– Live from Colorado Springs, CO.

– Your hosts are Coach & King.

– Opening interview: Vince (in a purple shirt that would have gotten Homer thrown into the crazy house) comes out to talk about the Linda situation. Hey, who’s yelling in Coach’s ear while he’s out there? Later tonight, he’ll confront Kane, and all hell will break loose, guaranteed.

– Booker T & Scott Steiner v. Test & Christian. Why do they keep programming all these guys together when all they have is bad matches? Test hammers on Booker to start, and a cheapshot from Christian puts Booker into the heel corner for some punishment. Christian gets a backbreaker and chokes away, and Test walks into a back kick that gets two for Booker. Steiner tags in and Test runs away, tagging out to Christian. Steiner no-sells and overpowers him with the elbowdrop, and starts chopping. Gorilla slam, but Christian recovers quickly and takes him down for some choking. Test comes in and struts, and stomps away. Corner clothesline and pushups, but Stacy is sadly not impressed. Steiner comes back with a belly to belly for two. It’s BONZO GONZO, and everyone but Steiner gets dumped. Highspot time! Oh wait, forgot who I was talking about. Everyone brawls on the floor, really badly, and the heels drop Steiner onto the stairs. We take a break as I again ponder what happened to that Test-Nash feud that could have given me enough material for 10 lifetimes. We return with Test getting the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER, but Steiner powers out and backdrops him. Hot tag Booker and he cleans house with sidekicks and Spinaroonis. Test comes back with a pumphandle, but Booker escapes and Test kicks Christian by mistake. Axe kick finishes Christian at 11:16, 4:00 of which was commercials. So vanilla you can make ice cream out of it. *1/2

– Video package of the HHH-Goldberg announcement. HHH’s hair looks so much better outside of the arena.

– Goldberg v. Steven Richards. Press slam into a spinebuster, spear, jackhammer, goodbye at 1:12. DUD Of note, they’re now using the EXACT WCW theme again, and they tried the pyro (although it was messed up). HHH interrupts afterwards and makes fun of Goldberg’s lack of opposition. Blah blah blah, let’s do it right now, blah blah blah, not tonight. Bischoff makes Goldberg v. Flair next week in Vancouver, however. Goldberg talking is BAD. Goldberg beating people up is GOOD. Why is this so hard to grasp? Give the guy a friggin manager already.

– Val Venis v. Rico. If you listen closely, you can pinpoint the EXACT moment of total crowd death during Rico’s entrance. Rico slaps him on the ass to start and they trade go-behinds, which Rico enjoys. They trade wristlocks and Rico’s rollup is blocked, and Val dropkicks him to the floor. Val goes for Jackie, and Rico attacks to take over. Back in, Rico pounds away and goes up with a double sledge for two. Choking follows. Suplex gets two. Corner clothesline and Rico kicks away, but gets powerbombed in the corner. This is way, way too long already. Val makes the comeback with a half-nelson slam for two. Seaman’s suplex gets two. Rico gets a Russian legsweep for two. They exchange forearms and Val gets a spinebuster and goes up, but Jackie trips him up. Val fights off Rico again and the Money Shot finishes at 5:00. Okay, gimmick’s dead, time to move on. Not a terrible match or anything, but they were left to DIE out there. *

– Meanwhile, the van carrying Kane arrives, as he continues to be under house arrest and yet flown around the country at the expense of the taxpayer so that he can beat up more innocent bystanders.

– Chris Jericho joins us to sing some John Denver and gives the silly company line about Shawn tapping out for the first time last week. He already submitted to Bret Hart at Survivor Series 92, just to name one. Unless you want to play semantics and say that it wasn’t a tap, it was a submission. But then he tapped to Shamrock outside of a match. So if you want to play full semantics, last week was the first time that Shawn Michaels physically tapped (rather than submitting) within a singles match. So there you are. Tonight’s guest: Randy Orton, and he relates Evolution’s love for the show on behalf of the group and gives him a t-shirt. Jericho’s touched. But he didn’t need help last week. “Heartbroke Joke” – Jericho’s the king. More dull banter brings out Shawn. They had GOLD with the RNN update stuff and Randy’s mock sincerity, and now he’s out there cutting these dull promos about how cool he is. Is HHH going around backstage and telling people they can’t interview main event style either now? If he had a nickel every time someone wanted to kill his career, he’d be a millionaire. And in fact, he is a millionaire, so I guess lots of people have said it. Shawn wants another shot at Jericho, but Jericho just feels pity for him. I feel pity for him, too. Orton attacks instead and Shawn gets beaten down until Big Kev makes the slowest save ever. I mean, Jericho had to stand there and stall while he limped out. The crowd popped for the save, and then literally 15 seconds later he finally made it out to the ring. Nash wants Jericho RIGHT NOW. You know, that never works for me in real life. I rarely find that I can grab a handy microphone and be like “Hey, buddy boy, why wait until next week to order that part for my camera, let’s do it RIGHT NOW!”

– Chris Jericho v. Kevin Nash. Nash pounds on him as we return from break, so Jericho spits on him and returns fire in the corner. Nash shoves him away, but “runs” into a boot. Jericho goes up and gets caught in a two-handed choke, but clips the leg and works it over. They slug it out and Jericho takes him down again and keeps on the leg, posting him. Stepover toehold, but he gets shoved into the corner and sideslammed for two. Big boot misses and Jericho goes back to the leg, setting up a bulldog. Lionsault misses and Nash comes back with a big boot, forgetting the leg injury completely in 0.2 seconds flat, but Jericho goes low for the DQ at 4:48. What a waste this was. Ѕ* Jericho grabs a chair, but Nash lays him out with it and hammers away. Geez, talk about a sore winner. You just knew Shawn wasn’t going to tap without Jericho getting destroyed and made into Nash’s bitch a week later. Well, there goes the crowd again. The beating by Nash goes on and ON as Nash finally chases him in terror into the crowd. What a friggin’ joke this company is sometimes. Speaking of jokes, Coach attempting to get “Big Nasty” over as Nash’s new nickname is equally as much of a joke. Especially since that was supposed to be Big Show’s name back when he debuted in 1999, until they dropped it after two shows because it sounds retarded.

– Meanwhile, Hurricane keeps training Rosey. They’re still trying to get this pathetic “S.H.I.T.” stuff over. JUST FIRE HIM.

– The crowd pops for the opening of the van. Man, it doesn’t take much with these guys. It should be noted that the doors of the van opening beat Nash’s reaction by about 5-1. They should just push the van. It can feud with A-Train. THEY’LL MAKE MILLIONS!

– RAW tag titles: La Resistance v. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak. This is a continuation of a Heat feud. For the 10 people who watch that show. Cade grabs a headlock on Dupree to start, and gets two. A shoulderblock puts Dupree on the floor, and Cade baseball slides the champs into the railing. Back in, a double dropkick from the jobbers gets two for Jindrak. A dropkick allows Cade to come back in for a double-team bulldog and a rollup that gets two. Dupree hotshots Cade to turn the tide, and Grenier tags in for his weekly blown spots. Fun fact: When I type “Grenier” in Word, it suggests “Greener” as a replacement. Bad suplex gets two. Grenier grabs the flag, drawing the Dudleys down and we take a commercial break. During THIS match? We return with things not much more exciting than before. Dupree gets a sleeper, but Cade makes the hot tag to Jindrak, who gets a bodypress on Grenier for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Jindrak gets a double-team dropkick on Dupree, but La Flapjack finishes him at 8:31. NO ONE CARES. I mean, seriously, 8 minutes of boredom for La Resistance winning clean with their boring finisher? ѕ* Dudleyz brawl with them afterwards. The gimmick has run its admittedly short-term course already, it’s time to change the titles or get these guys an actual personality. I mean, I suppose that Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak are the only ones left who are willing to put these shmoes over, but maybe that’s a sign it’s NOT WORKING.

– Meanwhile, it’s time for Kane to come out of his cage. The guards are so badass that even the tazers have laser-sights on them. You know, in case Kane bolts REALLY fast and they need the accuracy. Either that or they’re really bad shots in Colorado that they need laser-sighting from a foot away, in which case the guns ain’t gonna help much.

– WWE Women’s title: Gail Kim v. Molly Holly. It’s sad that Molly is the last defender of the Holly name. They do some mat-wrestling and Gail gets a rollup for two. Hey, a new move! Molly shoves her out of the ring on the ropewalk, and back in Molly gets two. Snap suplex and Molly elbows the back, and another snap suplex gets two. Bow-and-arrow as Molly seems perturbed tonight, but Kim gets move #2 (headscissors), only to get tripped into the ropes. Molly’s handspring is blocked with a boot, and another rollup gets two. Another rollup gets two. Yeah, Gail, work that new move. Flying headscissors gets two. Okay, headscissors, rana, we’ve established those. Kim tries some chopping and they head up, but Molly sends her down and the Molly Go Round ends the Gail Kim failure at 3:14. THANK GOD. Send her back to OVW for a while, PLEASE. Ѕ*

– Main event interview: Vince calls out Kane, who looks like Tom Noonan in Manhunter. The police unchain Kane on Vince’s word (how does THAT work?) and he yells at Kane. Vince gets all intense and calls him a Munster. Wow, that’s harsh. Anyway, Austin interrupts to announce that he’ll still be GM. And since he can’t attack people unprovoked, he wants to be provoked. He calls Kane names for a while, but Kane resists. Now Shane McMahon interrupts (just what we needed, more McMahons) and attacks Kane. Vince pulls him off, lest the power of the Shane-O-Mac Attack completely destroy the monster, but Shane fights him off and bangs on Kane with a chair. He knocks him off the stage, through a table. Kane laughs it off, however. End of show. Wow, so the monster heel sells for the owner’s son after demolishing Rob Van Dam. What a well-run and completely organized company this is.

The Bottom Line:

Wow, it didn’t take them long to flush THAT hot streak, did it? Shitty show tonight with a whole slew of bad matches and counterproductive booking. But Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak, they’re up-and-coming stars, by god.

And is JR pressing charges or what?