Down With The Brown: Best Of The WWF Vol. 1 (1985)

Best of the WWF Vol. 1 (1985)

I’m working on getting some new stuff in the next few weeks, I just couldn’t bear to go back to WWF matches from 1994 as I originally had intended.

RAW was a really interesting bag as the first hour played like vintage RAW, then the second half perhaps showed us the possible new direction they may be heading. Pushing guys like Shelton and even letting Tajiri go over Kane can only be a positive. The WWE was only able to beat WCW and win new fans back in the day by pushing guys who just needed one chance to run with the ball (Steve Austin, Mick Foley, The Rock, Road Dogg- laugh if you want, the guy was HUGE in the late 90’s, and HHH were all mid-carders who didn’t seem to have the support to become stars. Until they were given that chance.) I’m not saying Shelton is the next Rock, but his stock went up tenfold just from a superb all around performance as he went from a guy in the background getting jumped to major player in 90 minutes.

Quick question to my readers as I am poised, now that I have money, to get a few of the new WWE DVDs, namely the Foley one and the Steel Cage Bloodbath DVD. I was curious to see the 2004 Royal Rumble was priced lower than either of the other DVDs. So here’s where you the reader come in. I don’t care about the card at all. All I care about is the Rumble match with Benoit. To be blunt, is it worth $20?

Another quick plug, if you’ve never been to wrestlecrap.com, I highly recommended it. This week profiles quite possibly my favorite heel angle in wrestling history. It involves Ted DiBiase and a basketball. Hilarious read.

I’m also making an offer now too while I’m at it. If you taped Curb Your Enthusiasm this season (the whole 4th season), E-mail me please. I’m really going through withdrawals now.

I’ve been hesitant to review the early Coliseum tapes, it kinda seems like they’ve been done. And then I get a letter asking about the two masked guys on the opening of the Coliseum tapes (The Cobra and the Black Tiger, featured in Vol. 1), and I realize, well, maybe there ARE people that haven’t seen these yet. Who am I to prevent them from the knowledge I can give them?

This is the first of the classic “Best of” tapes, as we take a look at the WWF during 1984, right when the WWF expansion was in full swing, and the first big wrestling fad was occurring. Let’s get right to it.

Oh, and only because I just saw the latest in the increasingly idiotic McDonald’s commercials (and what’s sad is, the “I’m lovin’ it” spots are WORKING. Sales are up for the first time in years.) It’s the one where the guy used to be a loser, but now that McNuggets are all white meat, well, if they can change for the better, then so can he?

If you’re looking to processed chicken as a role model, you’re beyond help.

Here we go:

Your host is Vince McMahon back in the day when he didn’t so openly try to be a prick. Oddly, he tells us what’s coming up on the tape, but in a different order.

Match #1

Hulk Hogan & Andre the Giant vs. “Big” John Studd, Adrian Adonis, & Dick Murdoch

This is a handicap match, back when handicap matches were a rarity and didn’t occur every other week. This was supposed to be a 2 out of 3 fall match, but only one fall is shown here. By the way, check out the pre-match interview with Hogan and Andre. It’s one of the few slip-ups as you can see that Andre is CLEARLY only about six inches taller than Hogan, giving proof to the rumors that Andre was at most seven feet tall. Not that that isn’t tall, but not quite the 7’5″ as professed.

The heels walk from the dressing room and apparently have words with Vince McMahon who’s in the hallway. He gets offended by something said. Hogan comes to the ring, oddly without his title belt. Studd gets pelted with a beer from a fan. Hogan and Adonis start things. Adonis is in his tough fat guy mode at this point. Hogan actually reverses an armlock, Irish whips Adrian and he meets an Andre chop. Studd tags in, but he doesn’t want Hogan, he wants Andre. So Hogan obliges. And we edit to Andre destroying Adonis. Adonis tags Studd. Seems like a weird edit to make. Andre smashes Studd in the corner. Adonis & Murdoch try to intervene and Andre turns it into a battering ram, smashing all three guys in the corner. Andre goes for a backdrop but Studd kicks him and the heels go to work on Andre.

Murdoch busts out a top rope bulldog on Andre that looks pretty impressive. Cut to Andre being choked with the tag rope by Murdoch. Andre returns the favor by choking out Murdoch with it. Hogan makes the hot tag and he crushes everybody. But he blind charges Murdoch and he gets an elbow in the face for it. Adonis tries to capitalize by going to the top rope but Hogan catches him. He tries a slam but Adonis ends up slipping and he crotches himself on the top rope. Murdoch elbows Hogan in the face to break up any momentum. And we cut to Studd attacking Hogan. Murdoch tags in and Hogan and Murdoch run into each other. And Hogan makes the hot tag.

Andre destroys all three heels, headbutting Adonis & Murdoch to the floor. Studd gets pounded by Hogan and Andre and he’s decided he’s had enough and he bails to the dressing room. Andre follows him, allowing the two heels to attack Hogan from behind. But it’s not to last as Andre, who was the legal man to begin with, hits a big boot on Murdoch, hits a splash, and pins him, despite Adonis hitting Andre. Andre just blows it off and gets the win. Pretty decent outing as the heels come off very strong, especially considering it IS Hogan and Andre.

Match #2

The Fabulous Moolah vs. Wendi Richter

In a way, this was the first MAJOR wrestling match from a mainstream standpoint as this got national exposure of MTV thanks to the involvement of Cyndi Lauper in the angle. And while Cyndi Lauper’s name doesn’t mean much now, she was HUGE in 1984. Damn near equivalent of getting Britney Spears into a wrestling angle. (Her star is fading, I bet it happens sooner or later.) This all stemmed around Lou Albano playing Cyndi’s father in the Girls Just Wanna Have Fun video. Albano took credit for Cyndi’s success, but Cyndi took exception to his boast considering he was “in the video for about two seconds.” Albano hooked up with women’s champion The Fabulous Moolah and Lauper joined up with Wendi Richter and there you go.

Moolah claims to have been WWF champ for 28 years, but considering how inactive the title was for most of that time, it’s hard to give that claim too much validity. It’s like Kidman calling himself the three year WCW Cruiserweight tag champ.

Wendi Richter had the hoop earrings years before Jody Watley it turns out. This match is clipped all to hell by the way, so I’ll try to keep up. Moolah tosses Richter onto the announce table. Clip to Richter with an armbar. Clip to Moolah choking Richter on the top rope. Clip to Moolah choking Richter on the bottom rope. Clip to Richter with Moolah in a full-nelson and Lauper hits Moolah in the head with something that doesn’t look very painful. Richter hits a dropkick for two. Suplex gets two. Clip to Moolah backdropping Richter for two. Clip to Moolah hitting everybody’s favorite finish: the back suplex into a bridge except both shoulders are down, but the face lifts their shoulders first and so they win. And Richter wins the WWF title. Too edited to really rate fairly.

Match #3

Gorilla Monsoon vs. Baron Mikel Sciculuna

Boy, now THIS is one BIZARRE angle. Muhammed Ali is at ringside for this match, I’m assuming to help promote the upcoming Ali-Inoki disaster. The Baron jumps Monsoon but Monsoon no-sells everything and he tosses the Baron. Monsoon says something to Ali because suddenly Ali is out of his chair pointing and yelling at Gorilla. The Baron gets counted out and he leaves. Meanwhile Ali is taking his shirt off and he gets in the ring challenging Gorilla to a fight. The two trade jabs but Monsoon looks unphased. Ali points a finger at Monsoon, so Monsoon grabs Ali and he airplane spins him. A dazed Ali walks out of the ring and out of the arena. What the hell was THAT?

Gorilla doesn’t leave well enough alone as he walks over to Vince (wearing a jacket so red, it’s blinding me) and trash talks Ali. “This guy is nothing.” Vince concurs that Ali “entered a realm of which he knows absolutely nothing.”

Match #4

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka vs. Bobby Bass

Bass attacks Snuka to start but it goes nowhere and he ends up on the concrete. Headbutt, backbreaker, and it’s time for the Superfly Splash which the commentator calls “The Statue of Liberty.” The end.

Piper’s Pit w/ Jimmy Snuka

There are moments in wrestling that define what a heel is. And this ranks as one of the most infamous heel attacks in wrestling history. Jimmy Snuka comes on Piper’s Pit, but refuses to talk to Roddy Piper which drives Piper insane. So Piper starts insulting “the big shot” and starts insulting his heritage by bringing out pineapples, bananas, and coconuts to make Snuka feel at home. He’s only sorry he didn’t have a tree for Snuka to climb up. Snuka asks “Are you making fun of me?” Piper says no. Piper then bashes the coconut across Snuka’s head causing Snuka to fall back and knock the entire Piper’s Pit set down. The thing is that everybody remembers that. That’s what this feud is best known for. Personally, it’s what happens afterwards that I always found more shocking. (Kinda like how people always talk about the shower scene in Psycho, yet the second murder is MUCH creepier.) Piper takes one of the bananas, peels it, and mashes it in his face, then proceeds to whip him with his belt. Hard, I might add as he screams “Get up! You ain’t nothin’!” He further humiliates him by spitting on him. Snuka goes insane but by that time Piper has already left. Twenty years later and this stuff is STILL intense.

Match #5

“Superfly” Jimmy Snuka vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

This was the MSG match that has been covered in a previous column (check the Best of MSG in the archives.) Long story short is that Snuka was having serious issues with drugs and despite this being the hottest feud in the WWF, he had to be put on the shelf. So in MSG, Piper destroys Jimmy Snuka’s neck with a chair, causing him to be strechered out, and making way for The Tonga Kid to take his place. The weird thing is, NONE OF THAT is shown. Only Piper winning the match by countout as he pushed Snuka to the concrete as Snuka tried the Superfly leap. Oh well, Snuka was pretty much on his way out when this tape was released, so I guess there was no reason to give him any more time than necessary.

Match #6

The Cobra vs. The Black Tiger

This is a match for the WWF Jr. Heayweight title, a title that actually existed for quite some time, but was never defended in the States, mostly in Japan. The Black Tiger is Marc Rocco and The Cobra is George Takano just in case you’re wondering. And this is a rare example of the WWF letting the crusierweights do their thing. Back in 1982, Tiger Mask and Dynamite Kid tore the house down and nothing was done with it. This is a slight attempt to emulate that.

Tiger starts with a headlock but it gets reversed into an armbar by Cobra. A god-awful edit occurs as now Tiger is armbarring Cobra with no explanation, no rhyme or reason. They just switch places. Vicious clothesline gets one. Cobra backdrops Tiger and appears to be going for the mask. Reverse kick and a second rope kneedrop gets two. Crucifix gets two.

Tiger kips out of a headscissors. Cobra hits a stomachbreaker then turns it into a Boston crab. And from that we get a surfboard. Geez, I’m watching a N64 No Mercy match here. Cobra dropkicks Tiger in the face, and Tiger bails. He tries to sneak in with a top rope move but Cobra slams him off. Tiger gets Irish whipped and he gets a clothesline followed by a neckbreaker. What say we clip ahead?
Cobra makes a comeback with another dropkick and launches at the prone Tiger with a second rope plancha. Cut ahead to Tiger hitting a top rope splash. Tiger hits a suplex for two. Tombstone gets two. Tiger tries another but Cobra reverses it into one of his own. Cobra finshes with a senton bomb for the three. And the crowd is going NUTS here. So naturally, we never saw these two again. Clipped way too heavily to rate, but this could have been a four star match in its entirety. Especially when the crowd was sitting on its hands in the opening moments, but they were going crazy at the end.

Hulk Hogan trains “Mean” Gene Okerlund

Somehow Gene Okerlund got involved with Mr. Fuji in some way and he ended up in a tag match with Hulk Hogan. Not sure how or why, but we end up with a series of vignettes showing Hulk Hogan training Gene Okerlund. Hulk comes over to Gene’s house to find him smoking a cigar. Hogan gets pissed and says the training starts now. Hogan encourages Gene to drink raw eggs. “No fat and no carbs!” Good God, Hogan was an Atkins man back in 1984. Hogan sucks them down but Gene won’t do it.

Now and Hogan and Gene run around the lake as onlookers cheer on. Gene sneaks away to get a beer but Hogan finds him.

Now we’re at the gym with maybe the second best sight gag as Gene is wearing a Hulkamania shirt and Hogan is sporting a MeanGeneomania shirt. And the beauty thing is that neither one acknowledges it. Hogan and Gene bust out in the gym. Man, I need Hogan as a trainer. I think Gene got a better workout in thirty seconds than I do in thirty minutes.

More training as Hogan and Gene run up and down the stairs at the arena. We cut to Hogan running up the stairs with Okerlund on his back as Hogan mutters “You’re next.” And we cut to the best gag of the piece as Okerlund is crawling up the stairs with Hulk Hogan on his back. Funny and also disturbing.

Gene’s ready to wrestle as they bust a “Rocky running up the stairs” pose.

Match #7

Hulk Hogan & Mean Gene Okerlund vs. George “The Animal” Steele & Mr. Fuji

Pretty scary when Fuji may have the most wrestling ability of the four. Hogan rips Gene’s shirt off and it is not a pretty sight. Hogan destroys Fuji so Steele tags in, and this may be the only Hogan-Steele encounter. Only one I know of anyway. Cut to Steele hitting Hogan with an object but Hogan Hulks up. He destroys both men and Okerlund gets some offense by stepping on Fuji’s hand. Hogan high-fives Gene and that counts as a tag. Both men argue the call, so Okerlund comes in. Why he doesn’t tag Hogan back I’m not sure. Steele runs towards Gene and Gene crawls underneath Steele’s legs and tags Hogan. Hogan destroys Steele with punches. Cut to Fuji trying to use salt but Okerlund blocks it and delivers the worst boot to the face imaginable. Hogan slams Gene on Fuji and Gene gets the pin. Yeah, it’s a DUD, but it’s just so good-spirited. The match sucks, but the intentions were good.

Match #8

Bruno Sammartino vs. Larry Zybszko

One of the great heel turns in wrestling history, this was Bruno’s last high profile feud before his first retirement in 1981. Bruno had trained Larry but after years of mid-card status, Zybszko wanted a turn to shine, and tiring of being in his mentor’s footsteps, he challenged Bruno to a match. These days of course, we know what’s going to happen, but keep in mind, it’s 1980. Big angles like this didn’t happen very often. So here we have the match.

Collar and elbow tie up leads nowhere. Zybszko tries mat wrestling but Bruno reverses everything with relative ease. Larry gets a hiptoss and gets a quick two. Larry gets a side headlock but Bruno turns it into a drop toehold. Bruno adds a little insult by releasing every hold after a short period of time. And Larry is starting to get frustrated. He slams Bruno for two. Bruno returns the favor. And now Larry is looking angry. Bruno applies a hammerlock but he releases it again. Larry aplies an abdominal stretch but Bruno hiptosses him out of it. Larry gets another slam for two. Larry gets a half Boston crab but Bruno reverses it into a leglock. And Larry can’t gain any momentum. Another hammerlock by Bruno but he lets go. Criss cross leads to a Bruno hiptoss and now Larry is getting pissed. Bruno applies the bearhug but lets that go too. Larry starts yelling at Bruno, not appreciating the message Bruno is sending. Which is “I can beat you at any time.” Larry applies a hammerlock but Bruno casually tosses Larry to the concrete to break the hold. Bruno holds the ropes open for Larry. And all hell breaks loose.

Larry gets on the apron, knees Bruno in the gut, then wails away with fists and stomps. He rams Bruno’s head into the turnbuckle. And he grabs a wooden chair, shoves the ref aside, and he whacks Bruno in the head with it. Bruno does a wicked blade job as the blood pours down his face. Larry hits him again, but Bruno Hulks up, daring Larry to hit him again. Larry obliges, and the third chairshot sends Bruno unconscious to the mat. The segment ends with the aftermath, a still frame of Bruno’s bloody face, and a pool of blood lying underneath him.

You know what makes the great feuds GREAT sometimes? It’s the ones where the face subtly acts like a heel, and only the heel picks up on it, so that when he retaliates, he’s the bad guy. In all actuality, Bruno’s kind of a prick in this match. He takes Larry’s challenge so lightly, he never gives him the proper respect throughout the match, releasing submission holds and tossing Larry around like he’s nothing. Then he patronizes him by holding the ropes so he can come in. I don’t justify Larry’s actions, but I can certainly understand them. And THAT’S what helped make this so great. If Larry just attacked Bruno for the hell of it, well, okay, you got a feud. But if you give a reason, and build on that reason, you’ve got something special. And Bruno, maybe subconsciously, is egging Larry on. In a way, he’s saying “You’re not in my league.” And Larry has no choice but to respond.

And this feud was so huge, Larry pretty much lived the rest of his entire career off that angle.

Bruno vows that he will destroy Larry Zybszko at the Showdown in Shea.

Which leads to:

Match #9

Bruno Sammartino vs. Larry Zybszko (Steel Cage)

This was the Main Event to 1980’s Showdown in Shea, at the time, one of the largest WWF events ever. This was the final blowoff to their feud as neither man had gotten a convincing victory over the other. Larry tries a sneak attack, but to no avail, as Bruno destroys Larry from the outset. He grinds Larry’s face into the mesh. Inexplicably, the picture freezes for a good 15 seconds, and we cut to Larry kneeing Bruno in the gut to take command. Bruno’s face gets bashed into the cage. He goes in a second time. Larry tries to climb out but Bruno yanks him down.

Cut to Bruno choking Larry out. Cut to Larry punching Bruno’s arm which has been bladed. Bruno fights off Larry with one arm. Larry gets his head rammed into the ringpost, and he gets rammed twice into the cage. Larry gets busted open and as he struggles to get up, Bruno yells something to Larry and he walks out the door the winner. Bruno and Larry have a final face off outside the cage with Bruno slapping Larry’s chest, and Larry grudgingly accepts defeat and raises Bruno’s hand in victory.

There’s been some controversy surrounding the end of this match. Apparently Larry’s heel turn went SO well, that big things were supposed to happen to Larry after this match. I’ve heard stories ranging from a big title feud with Backlund to a return to facedom and a possible run with the WWF title, but whatever the plan, it never materialized as Zybszko left the WWF shortly after this match, never to return again.

End of tape.

If this were a 2 hour unedited tape, I would have nothing but praise for it. But alas, they tried to cram too much stuff and too many of the matches are haphazardly hacked away so that more can be fit on the tape. The Piper-Snuka stuff is great, though the payoff is missing (Piper sending Snuka to the hospital.) The Richter-Moolah stuff is great but we get no history, no reasoning behind why this match was so huge. The Sammartino-Zybszko stuff is great, but the blowoff is reduced to five minutes of highlights. If more time could have been allotted, this could have been one of the great Coliseum tapes.

As it stands though, it’s a great piece of history, chronicling the major players of 1984, and looking at one of the great feuds of Bruno’s career. If you haven’t seen any stuff from this time frame, it’s a great place to start.

Thumbs up, recommended, B.

-Sydney Brown