411 WWE SmackDown Report – 01.29.04

The views and opinions expressed herein are those solely of the author and may not necessarily reflect those of the rest of the human race.

Say hello to all the apples on the ground
They were once in your eyes but you sneezed them out while sleeping
Say hello to everything you’ve left behind
It’s even more a part of your life now that you can’t touch it
A Perfect Circle, “The Nurse Who Loved Me”

…and that’s about the patience I have for personal shit this week. If this were a column (or even a BlackLog post) instead of a recap, then maybe. Although that’s even dubious because, in severe circumstances, I’m a certified expert in bottling shit up. Some of it’s gone on my Blog but even that was very little. Of course having eaten the mydoom virus didn’t help either, but that’s been a blessing all things considered…

Enough. Let’s get to the Pre-Report Pimping Ritual.

As always, we start with the Samu to my Fatu, Stephen Randle and the News Experience. But wait – our Samoan Savage is missing! In for the virused Jack Daniels (and I’ve felt that one, too) this week is Aaron Conley with YOUR NWATNA Report.

I never get to pimp the Friday Music Bootleg a day before it’s posted (as it’s obviously logistically impossible), but I do get to pimp Cameron’s first Foray into 411Black, even if there’s no Nipsey Russell reference to be found anywhere in it.

Matt Nute is finally getting some well-deserved recognition from readers and writers alike for “The Finish Line”, and this week’s Royal Rumble edition is a great example why.

Mathan Erhardt gives some tips on karaoke (and being a frequenter of such things, I can attest that he knows what he’s talking about). Not only that, but he also graces Black with some great ideas to spice up the NFL.

Ryan T Murphy defends the honor of our home area of Central Florida and also gives the lowdown on one of the most controversial (and entertaining) periods in 411Music Staff history.

Ken Anderson weighs in on the media crucifixion of Michael Jackson and gets his umbrella back!

Will Helm dissects Ghostbusters 2 for your reading pleasure…

And finally, whatever you do, check the new feature on Evocator’s lovely T.I.T.S..

And that’s that. Let’s shrug the rest of this fucked up week off and get to some Rasslin’, shall we?

SmackDown – 012904

As is customary, time to get out your tickets (this means YOU, Murph):
Cash 3: 858
Play 4: 1941 (Good movie!)

Show opens with…credits? What, no Rumble video? I’ll be damned…

Paul Heyman is out and is immediately interrupted by Vince McMahon. McMahon teases Benoit’s arrival, but then states it won’t happen because Benoit has gone on to Raw thanks to the ever-popular “legal loophole” that he blames on Paul E! McMahon states that “the winner of the Rumble will go on to face the champion at WrestleMania”, but it was never specified which champion, and since Paul E made Benoit’s life a living hell, he left. Vince demands an apology, and Paul says screw Benoit! Paul E invokes Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart as examples that left and Vince did better without. Rather ballsy there, dude. Tonight, in the tradition of America and Vince McMahon, someone gets the chance to go on to No Way Out via the Royal Rumble – 15 SmackDown superstars will compete for the chance to meet Brock Lesnar. Hardcore Holly will replace the injured Morgan, and Benoit’s replacement will be Eddie Gurrero, but everyone else that was in the Rumble Sunday will be in tonight. Paul tells Vince they can make network television history with this, and leaves the ball in Vince’s court. Vince agrees and it’s on for later tonight as we go to:

Commercial.

“Game Over” isn’t coming on until March? Well crap, that’s a while to wait. Whatever happened to February sweeps?

Back to
The Basham Brothers (with Shaniqua) © vs. Paul London & Billy Kidman – WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Holy shit! Paul London’s on SmackDown! I’m already hyped for this one! Kidman and Danny start of with the collar-and-elbow tie-up. Kidman is shoved off the ropes and comes back with a shoulderblock. London and Doug are tagged in, collar-and-elbow tie-up and London is shoved of the ropes and comes off with a kick to the midsection for Doug. Off the ropes again, but Danny holds up the 2nd rope so London can graciously tumble through and land rough on the outside. Danny steps in illegally for Doug and greets London coming in with a spinning back suplex. Tag to Doug who gets in a stomp, punch, and the ever-painful Velocity Lock~! (the modified arm-stretch surfboard). London almost fights out, but Danny is tagged in and applies another Velocity Lock~! Jesus, come on. London mule kicks out of the Lock and makes the lukewarm tag to Kidman! High cross body on Danny, clothesline and an enzugiri on Doug for 2, but Danny breaks the cover. Spinebuster for Kidman as he goes for the Shooting Star Press, but gets crotched on the top rope by Danny. Doug catches and spikes with a DDT for the 3-count. The Bashams retain in…rather boring fashion…

In the Back, Dawn spins the tumbler for Kurt to draw a number. Kurt has his complaints, but Paul states that he wants this to be completely legitimate. That’s a switch. Kurt again dedicates a victory to our armed forces and is glad Benoit went to Raw, thus giving him a second chance. Kurt draws his number and his eyes pop out of his head right before he hauls ass. #1, perhaps?

The Rumble is later tonight as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, the Chavos are mulling over their wounds. Chavito wonders how Eddie could do something like what he did to them at the Rumble. Chavito vows revenge and says he will prove who the biggest star in the Gurrero family is.

Elsewhere In The Back, Eddie asks Dawn to blow his ball for good luck. The one out of the tumbler, silly. Rey Mysterio enters, accompanied by boxer Jorge Paez. Eddie rubs on both of them for luck before Rey leaves for his Cruiserweight Title defense and we go to:

Commercial.

Back to video of Cena’s injury from the Rumble, courtesy of Big Show.

In The Back, Cena hits on Dawn and implores her to grab his ball (which one isn’t certain this time) before Paul interrupts. Cena draws and runs into Rhyno on the way out. Rhyno threatens to injure Cena’s knee for good. Cena pulls a Top Gun (“You stink!”) in response and leaves for Rhyno to draw his number.

Jamie Noble (with Blind Nidia) vs. Rey Mysterio © – WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Replay of Nidia tripping up Noble at the Rumble is replayed. Noble gets a quick takedown and a 2-count to start the match. On the mat, Rey gets a front facelock into a rollover for 2 of his own. Noble with an arm-wringer into a hammerlock and turns it into a cover for 1. And again. Northern Lights suplex gets 2 for Noble. Noble goes back to the hammerlock but Rey elbows out. Off the ropes, Noble is leap-frogged before Rey gets the headscissors takeover. Rey comes off the ropes but gets caught in a tilt-a-whirl into an inverted Torturerack. Nice. Rey escapes and trips Noble for the 619, but Noble is up to clothesline Rey coming in. Off the ropes and Noble is tripped again by Nidia and Rey takes advantage of the distraction with another headscissors (our official Move Of The Night!) of the top rope. Noble gets Rey down and stomps away before hitting a backbreaker for 2. Noble locks in a seated abdominal stretch. Rey escapes and a pumphandle slam by Noble is reversed into a bridge and a 2-count. Noble drives Rey into the turnbuckle back first and slides outside to use the steel ringpost for help in a bow-and-arrow. Ouch! Back in the ring, Noble chops away at Rey, but misses the charge. Rey goes up top but gets caught in a pretty superplex by Noble and the standing 10-count is on! Noble rolls over and gets a close 2-count. Corner whip by Noble, but the charge meets boot and Rey covers for 2. Kicks by Rey followed by the Irish whip. Rey gets caught in powerbomb position, but turns it into a sunset driver (for lack of a better term) for 2. Noble goes for the Tiger Driver, but Rey turns it into the 619~! Noble ducks the West Coast Pop and dumps Rey outside. Noble goes up top to pounce on Rey, but Nidia is standing in the way…! Noble, fed up, tosses Nidia in the ring and cusses her out. Noble whips Nidia into Rey, but Nidia stops short of hitting him. Noble charges her with a clothesline, but Nidia ducks out of the way and Rey gets a shoulder into the Noble’s gut and the springboard senton for 3 and a successful defense. Post-match, Nidia reveals that she can see! and leaves Noble alone in the ring.

We now go to Rue in the SmackDown Studios in Connecticut (and deeamn is she looking good!) where she talks up the Playboy “rumor” that the mag is looking for the first females tag-team to grace the cover of Playboy as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to In The Back, Paul has Dawn pick the Big Show’s ball. Dawn notes that Show has big hands and Show responds “chicks like it big”. Believe it or not, some chicks prefer it small, though…

Elsewhere In The Back, Josh Matthews asks Brock if he’s afraid of Goldberg (prompting a Goldberg chant from the crowd…!). Brock says that, when he arrived, he was labeled a “Goldberg wannabe” but now that he’s been King Of The Ring and the youngest WWE Champ ever, Goldberg is now the Brock wannabe. Brock lays an open challenge tonight to prove he ain’t skeered as another “Goldberg!” chant pisses him off.

Elsewhere In The Back, Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas pick their balls. Benjamin almost does so literally, but Haas corrects him. A Production Assistant bursts in to take Paul to Eddie Gurrero, who’s unconscious. As Rey and the paramedics tend to Eddie, The Chavos arrive and are in apparent shock. Rey accuses them of a beatdown but the Chavos plead innocent. Rey goes after them but is pulled off by referees. Eddie is in bad shape as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Brock Lesnar © vs. Orlando Jordan – Non-Title Match
Brock kicks Jordan in the side of the head to start. Well that’s just rude. Brock gets the shoulders in the corner and sends Jordan outside. Brock celebrates in the ring but pays for it when Jordan comes back in and dropkicks Lesnar out of the ring. Brock does some serious stalling outside before entering. Brock goes for the clothesline but misses and Jordan opens fire before getting a sunset flip for 2. Jordan gets 2 again before Brock gets him back in the corner and shoulders him some more. Corner whip and a charge by Brock but Jordan gets the elbow. Brock answers with a clothesline and gets down on the mat to slap the rear naked choke on Jordan and keep it on seemingly forEVER. Orlando is finally back up and elbows out but takes a knee to the midsection. Another corner whip and charge by Brock gets knees to the face. Jordan goes after Brock’s legs and takes him down. 2 dropkicks by Jordan get a 2-count. Corner whip and a charge for Jordan this time but Brock is out with a nasty clothesline. One Brock Lock later and Jordan taps out.

Footage of SmackDown superstars visiting injured troops in a DC hospital takes us to:

Commercial.

Back to replays of the Undertaker messing with Kane’s head – old school style – makes me smile.

In The Back, Josh asks Vince McMahon if he thinks the Undertaker is back. Vince answers: “What is this, Crossing Over? Do I look like Jon Edward?” Haaahh! Last time Vince checked, Undertaker was Buried Alive at the Survivor Series. Vince tells Josh he shoulda asked him who was going to win the Rumble – now that would have been a good question.

Elsewhere In The Back, Kurt Angle confronts Paul about Eddie’s spot in the Rumble. Paul says it’s simple – when it’s Eddie’s turn to enter, he will if he’s here. If not then Angle’s odds get better. Makes sense to me. Kurt needs to concentrate as the Rumble match is now.

The rules are announced for the Rumble – 90-second intervals, over-the-top, both feet touching the floor to be eliminated.

SmackDown Royal Rumble – winner goes on to meet Brock Lesnar for the WWE Title at No Way Out.
And Kurt’s reaction to his drawing was spot on as Kurt is introduced as the #1 entrant and we go to:

Commercial.

Back to Rhyno’s introduction as #2. Rhyno kicks Kurt to start and punches Kurt in the corner, but Kurt retaliates. Kurt with a corner whip, but Rhyno reverses it and GORES Kurt~! Owitch! Rhyno can’t lift Kurt to toss him over, so he stomps on him and tries it once Kurt is up on his own. No dice – Kurt fights him off and gets the Angle Slam as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#3 – Charlie Haas.
Haas opens fire on Kurt and chokes him out in the corner with the boot. Haas goes after Rhyno some before firing Kurt off the ropes for a dropkick. Rhyno jumps Haas and goes for the elimination but Haas won’t budge. Kurt then jumps Rhyno and then Haas. Rhyno goes down but Haas is back on Kurt. Haas dumps Kurt over the top but Angle lands on the apron and slides back in as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#4 – Shelton Benjamin
Benjamin gets an overhead belly-to-belly suplex on Kurt. Haas and Benjamin then get the Bossman Doubleteam on Rhyno. Kurt returns with a belly-to-back suplex on Benjamin before going back after Rhyno. Kurt nails anything that moves before Haas whips him off the ropes and connects with the powerslam. Rhyno and Benjamin fight in the corner as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#5 – Bradshaw
Bradshaw enters and nails Haas with the Clothesline From Hell, and then one for Rhyno. Shelton Benjamin eats a big boot from Bradshaw as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to The Cat (#6) outside with Lamont as Tajiri (#7) enters, but not before nailing poor Lamont with a Buzzsaw Kick. See, now that was just uncalled for. Replay shows Cat dancing in the ring and taking everyone else out before dancing again, but Kurt got back up and sent The Cat out the hard way. The clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#8 – Billy Gunn
Gunn immediately hits the Fameasser on Bradshaw. Gunn almost tosses Benjamin, then almost tosses Haas but neither hit the floor. Rhyno gets a spinebuster on Tajiri and Gunn works Kurt Angle over. Benjamin tries eliminating Angle as Tajiri gets the handspring elbow on Haas. Kurt gets the Ankle Lock on Benjamin, but Billy Gunn breaks it up as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#9 – Big Show
Everyone stops to greet Show coming in and they ALL try to eliminate him, but Show sends all of them sailing in the ring. Show clubs away at everyone before eliminating Tajiri with the Chokeslam over the top. Another attempt to get Show out results in another trip across the ring for all involved. Bradshaw gets a big boot in on Show, but Show ducks the clothesline and Bradshaw sails up, over and out. German suplex attempt by Kurt is blocked by Show as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#10 – John Cena
Cena is wearing a knee brace and a noticeable limp. Show grins at Cena and Cena runs his mouth at Show before they open fire on each other. Cena clotheslines Show over the top but he lands on the apron as we go to:

Commercial.

Back to During The Break: Nunzio (#?) is eliminated by Cena but Cena hurts his knee during the attempt. On someone that small? Show works over Cena as the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#13 – Eddie Gurrero
Eddie is hurt, but he’s here. A-Train (#??) jumps Eddie, but charges and gets sent over and out by Eddie. Eddie beats on Haas, then Billy Gunn. Show gets Eddie up in electric chair position but Eddie escapes and kicks Show as Benjamin stomps away on Kurt and the clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#14 – Rikishi
Show chops Cena in the corner. Rikishi is in and punches Billy Gunn before a superkick sends Gunn over onto the apron only. Rikishi and Show go at it and Show is knocked into prime position to take the Stinkface~! Show is grossed out as Benjamin takes the Stinkface~!, then Gunn! Ass for everybody! The clock counts to 0 and brings in:
#15 – Hardcore Holly
Show Chokeslams Rikishi as Holly enters and attacks Gunn before trying to dump Kurt. Cena attempts to life the Big Show up for the elimination but his knee gives way. Cena is dumped over onto the apron and Show kicks him to the floor for the elimination. Everyone then goes for a 3rd try at dumping Show over, and, with Cena’s help, they succeed in eliminating the Big Show. Eddie is on Haas in the corner as Rhyno tries dumping Benjamin. Eddie goes after Gunn and Holly nails Haas. Replays of the prior eliminations. Come ON! The match is still on for fuck’s sake! Back to Haas on Holly, then Holly on Benjamin. Kurt tosses Gun over but Gun hangs on to the ropes and stays in. Eddie eliminates Haas and Angle eliminates Benjamin. Kurt then gets the Angle Slam on Rikishi, setting him up for the Frog Splash~! By Eddie. Kurt then dumps Holly for the elimination. Holly, good and pissed off, talks trash to Kurt as a small “Na Na Na Na, Goodbye” song is sung to Holly from the audience. Well, that’s certainly telling. Sorry, Ego. Gun is on Eddie, but Eddie attempts a monkeyflip. Gunn blocks and both men tumble over the top. Gunn’s feet hit the floor and Eddie rolls back in. Kurt and Eddie then both jump Rikishi, but Rikishi holds his own. Superkick on Angle and a spinebuster for Eddie. Rikishi goes for the Banzai Drop on Kurt in the corner but Angle rolls out of the way (prompting Tazz to exclaim, “The White House just shook!”). Eddie tries to eliminate Rikishi but Rikishi elbows out. Kurt then tries and fails. Eddie and Kurt finally smarten up and team up to dump Rikishi up and over for the elimination, leaving Kurt and Eddie as the final two. Kurt with the go-behind takedown but Eddie elbows out. Kurt charges and almost gets dumped out but lands on the apron. They exchange shots before Kurt gets the Rolling Germans on Eddie. Eddie elbows out of the third one and gets dumped on the apron. Eddie gets the Ankle Lock on Kurt (!) from the outside, but Angle counters for one of his own back in the ring. Eddie is over the top as Kurt still has the Ankle Lock. Careful, son – that’s how you got eliminated Sunday. Both men go over the top onto the apron and roll back in. Kurt with punches and a forearm but Eddie gets the Irish whip and the back elbow. Rolling Verticals by Eddie before going up top, concussion and all. Kurt pops up and catches Eddie, but they both get crotched. Both men go over onto the apron again and back in. Angle with the Irish whip into the sleeper hold~! Eddie almost passes out, but fights back after a near-eternity and almost eliminates Kurt. Eddie slugs away at Kurt on the apron but Kurt hangs on and goes to suplex Eddie out. Eddie reversed and dumps Kurt out hardway to win the SmackDown Royal Rumble and head to No Way out to meet Lesnar. Angle is beside himself on the outside and Eddie celebrates in the ring to end the show.

Between the shortened matches and the Rumble, the show felt like a replay of Sunday’s pay-per-view. Very little storyline development (aside from Who Jumped Eddie In The Back?), but now we know whom Brock will face before WrestleMania.

L8. Thanks for reading, y’all.

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