411’s NWA TNA PPV Report 02.18.04

This is not exactly a great week for former wrestling stars. Brutus Beefcake’s coke habit causing an anthrax scare in a Boston subway, Jake “The Snake” Roberts accused of animal cruelty. The next thing you’ll know, Koko B. Ware will be arrested for sexual harassment. “Would you like to have sex with the bird-bird-bird-bird-biiiiiiirdman?”.

I have a serious question for my readers…What will come first? TNA Bound For Glory PPV or the next Guns N’ Roses CD, “Chinese Democracy”? Sometimes, I wonder.

This is TNA, february 18th 2004, my name is Dave Gagnon and I’m here for a third straight week.

The show starts with a serious warning from AJ Styles about watching this PPV without paying. It’s wrong. AJ Styles: “Do you remember when I was teaming with Air Paris? No? We had a feud with Kid Romeo in WCW. Doesn’t ring a bell? Nevermind”.

A video recaps previous events: TNA under new management….JJ will fire Lynn if he drops the ball at the Americas Cup….sure enough, Lynn dropped the ball at the Americas Cup…Mike Tenay is fired for, oh, at least a week…A new DOA will be named tonight. Well, they did say that Russo would be back on TV soon…

TNA video opening with nothing but Jeff Jarrett beating people up.

Your hosts for tonight are Scott Hudson and “Lady In Red” Screamin’ Don West.

Opening Match: Jerry Lynn, That Poor Guy Sonjay Dutt, Skipper and Chris Sabin -vs- Jason Cross, Shark Boy, Jimmy Rave and Rod Strong
I wonder if Rod Strong is related to Steve Strong. Good to see Cross back. Big “ICP” chant from the crowd. The match starts with a bunch of spots thrown together and, sure enough, those guys knows how to jump around. I am not complaining, I like a good spotfest to start a show. Shark Boy earns his pay by biting Jerry Lynn’s ass. Lynn protests by biting the ref’s ass. Sonjay Dutt comes in and gets more offense in the first 5 seconds than in all of his matches at the Americas Cup combined. A fun match but the crowd is dead. Don West screams this : “SHARK BOY WILL BE A FUTURE X CHAMPION, MARK MY WORDS!”. Yeah and Eddie Guerrero will be the WWE champion someday. Oops, I can’t use that one anymore. After selling a shoulder injury for a while Lynn still manages to get the win with a piledriver on Jason Cross. Lynn doesn’t even have time to celebrate because The Jarrett Squad hits the ring and a guitar shot end Lynn’s TNA career. What a way to go.

Jarrett takes the mic and has words for us. No guy in the roster can hold his jockstrap. Especially when Jarrett is booking. People chant for ICP. This will be a long night. Jarrett challenge Chris Harris for a non-title tonight.

Several weeks ago, The New Franchise helped The Redshirts take the tag titles away from The 3 Live Krew. Road Dog is so angry at the situation, he calls them “The French Fries”. Ooooh, burn! What an insult. Road Dog reminds us that Michael Shane is Shawn Michaels’ cousin. One main events WMXX, the other…well…at least he hangs out with Traci. Traci’s hot.

The Red Rooster interviews The New Franchise. Tonight, Michael Shane is on his own. Chris Harris interrupts and accepts the challenge. It’s not about titles, it’s about pride.

Second Match: Shawn Michaels’ Cousin (w/Traci) -vs- K-Kwik Killings (w/Road Dog)
Road Dogg is at the announcers table while Konnan is at the spanish announce table. Killings dominates early but gets too cocky and Shane takes the advantage. Shane works the knee for a while, he even pulls out the figure four leglock. I wonder if Douglas still has heat with Flair. Killings comes back with a *Vince McMahon voice* baaaaaaaaack body drop which sends Don West into a frenzy: “WHAT A FEAT OF STRENGHT BY RON KILLINGS! I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW POWERFUL HE IS”. Killings is about to finish Shane until he gets distracted by Douglas attacking Konnan. Shane almost beat Killings with the most dangerous move in the business: the rollup. You always see matches end in a rollup, it would be my finisher if I were a wrestler. Traci attempts a LitaRana but she gets powerbombed. Killings gets dropped on Traci’s cast, leading to a superkick by Shane for the win. HBK2K, he ain’t.

The Red Rooster is with The Redshirts and Kid Kash. There’s dissention in the ranks. Young is still afraid of clowns so Kid Kash volounteers to face ICP in the Juggalo Street Fight. ICP vs Gilberti and Kash later tonight.

Third Match: The Redshirts -vs- The Lonestar Dustin Rhodes and El Leon (that means The Lion, by the way)
Dustin’s new nickname is The Lonestar, which makes sense because he is the only star in the match. Dustin without the Goldust outfit is like Jenna Jameson with clothes: it just feels weird. A quick “Gooool-Duuust” chant by the crowd. Maybe they got tired to chant for ICP. Bill Apter is here, the man who fascinated a generation with his mark magazines. You just don’t see headlines like “Kamala’s Master Plan To Destroy Hulkamania” anymore these days. Big ICP chant. This crowd is bored out of their minds. Loooong beating on Rhodes until the hot tag to El Leon. Hot like a canadian winter. Heel miscommunication leads to El Leon’s rock bottom for the win. The Naturals attacks Dustin until El Leon makes the save with a chair. Can’t wait to see those two wrestle someday. Boring match with a dead crowd. I am sorry to say this but Dustin without Goldust is like Robert Englund without Freddy Krueger.

The Red Rooster is with The Gathering in a dark room. Apparently, Raven is in big trouble.

Backstage, dissention between Jarrett’s goons. Out of nowhere, Legend gets the guitar shot treatment by Jarrett. With ICP and all these guitars breaking, this review should be posted in the 411 music zone. Thank God they can’t afford Toby Keith anymore.

Recap of Johnny Fairplay imitating Andy Kauffman, getting attacked by Urlacher and his appearance on CBS’ Early Show.

It’s time for “Playing Fair With Johnny” with the ultimate ladies’ man and the cat’s meow, Johnny Fairplay himself. The most hated man in America gets no heat at all. Judging from the fans’ reaction, nobody watched Survivor in Nashville. Chyna isn’t here tonight because she made ridiculous demands such as flying first class. Fairplay replies to a chant for ICP by saying “Yeah, these guys suck”. Fairplay rips HHH and his big nose. Fairplay: “What’s bigger between HHH’s nose and Chyna’s adam apple?”. Chyna will have a CD come out soon. I have a good title for it: “Chynese Democracy”. AJ Styles interrupts and mentions the juggalos because it’s the only way to get a pop or heat tonight. AJ is about to attack Fairplay but The Hoss Abyss makes the save, leading to…

Fourth Match: AJ Styles -vs- The Hoss Abyss – Winner Pick His Partner
You see, they are the champs but they hate each other. The winner of the match will pick a partner and they’ll be the new tag team champs. Logically, AJ’s partner will be D-Lo while I see a reunion for Abyss and Kid Kash. West is really impressed by AJ’s kicks. Great spot: AJ counters a chokeslam with a victory roll. A table is set up in the ring. AJ tries to powerbomb Abyss through it but Jarrett comes in with a kick in the nuts for the DQ. Lots of JJ tonight. ICP chant. Is this a Juggalo Championshit Wrestling show or what? Abyss tries to chokeslam AJ through a table but it doesn’t break. So Abyss goes to the second rope to splash AJ through the table but it falls on the side and it’s just a big mess. Let’s just say that this spot was uglier than Nick Nolte’s mug shot.

Two weeks ago, the biggest stars of TNA, The Insane Clown Posse, made their debut. They’re so big, they’ll probably be traded to the Yankees soon. According to Violent J it’s two warriors vs two byatches tonight at the asylum.

Fifth Match: ICP (two warriors) vs Kash and Gilbertti (two byatches) – Juggalo Street Fight
And NOW the crowd is hot. The match is all ICP: DVD by Violent J, double brainbuster suplex, the old Hart Attack, Violent J moonsault. Shaggy miss an alabama jam but he wins with a sunset flip on Kid Kash. The count, however, was very fast. Kid Kash doesn’t like it and slaps the ref. According to Scott Hudson, Kash will receive an automatic 5000$ fine, which is unlikely considering the fact that he is the boss’ go-to guy. It’s a 3 on 1 beatdown on the ref but Swinger and Diamond saves. Swinger then turns on Diamond and it’s a beatdown on him. As it turns out, Swinger DID sign the royalty oath. The Blackshirts makes the save.

Red Rooster is with The Lovely GoldyLocks. Goldy hates men. She then talks about threesomes and, well, it just made my night. We then find out that Mike Tenay is in the house.

Sixth Match: The Gathering -vs- Raven and Terry Funk
Hudson suggests that Funk has no more brain cells left. Funk is already bleeding, now that’s dedication to your craft. I wonder what’s with CM Punk and his Pepsi obsession. Pepsi logos on his tights, the Pepsi tatoo. Now we know that CM Punk likes Pepsi and Brutus Beefcake likes Coke *rimshot*. Funk has things well in hand in the beginning but The Gathering gets the upper hand and it’s a long beating on old man Funk. The crowd is finally popping for something besides the clowns. Dinero’s torso is covered with Funk’s blood. Hot tag to Raven who gets the win with the evenflow ddt on Dinero. The Goldberg-like streak for The Gathering is over. They are sore losers however and they attack Raven after the match. Jim Mitchell comes in with a stun gun. Let’s just hope that he can handle it better than Scott Hall did. He is about to stun Raven but Funk takes the bullet instead.

Red Rooster is with Scott D’Amore. D’Amore feels like Team TNA blew it last week. He has no trust in americans so he ask for canadians to avenge TNA. Now that’s the spirit. March 10th (that’s 4 days before WMXX), TNA Canada will face Team Mexico in the second Americas Cup. Team Canada will be led by Teddy Hart. Let’s just hope that he will throw up all over the place after a couple of backflips. My VCR is ready.

Next week on TNA:
– The 3 Live Krew -vs- Michael Shane, Shane Douglas and Traci
– Abyss vs AJ Styles, Tables Match…this time, the winner picks his partner if he wins

We have an announcement from Raven. He made the mistake of caring about other people. He then talks about bloody intestines, rusty forks and sodomy. Just another valentine’s day for Pat Patterson. He will team with Sabu next week. Yet another ECW reject in this feud. Raven: “And if that doesn’t work, I’ll bring Hack Myers! Or Dances With Dudley…hum…do you think Ulf Hermann is still available? Maybe Brakkus…I don’t know…I’ll make phone calls”.

Main Event: Wildcat Chris Harris -vs- Jeff Jarrett
Back and fourth action until Jarrett attacks Harris with a chair. You don’t get disqualified when you are the owner of the company, though. JJ hits The Stroke but Harris kicks out at two. Spear by Harris for a near fall. Harris is about to win when Kash yells to referee Rudy Charles that he will be fired if he counts the pin. That’s great strategy. Alabama Jam by Harris and once again, Charles stops at 2. Belt shot by JJ in front of the ref and just when Charles is about to disqualify him, JJ force him to count the pinfall. Tenay interrupts Jarrett’s celebration to announce that he got his job back (surprise, surprise). And the new DOA is….Vince Russo. Yet another triumphant return after yet another hiatus. Don’t you hate when people do that? I am not mentionning anybody in particular…

Round 3 of the Jarrett/Russo feud in the coming weeks. For someone who hates being a TV character, Russo sure shows up often.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for your great emails in the past few weeks, it’s always great to get your feedback.

See you next week.

Gags