411’s NWA TNA PPV Report 03.03.04

It’s been a great month for me in this new position. I am very happy to write for the website that gave me my chance in 1998 (that’s a long time ago kids, there used to be *3* national wrestling organizations).

Speaking of which, I am happy to announce that for the first time in over 3 years, there will be a new “Canadian Rants” parody on 411. Watch out for “The Inmates Running The (TNA) Asylum” next week.

And since it’s my first chance to publicly brag about it, I would like to point out that I had the perfect score in “The Hot Seat”, Widro’s original feature (that looks suspiciously like Kilborne’s 5 questions but, shhh, don’t tell anyone).

Finally, I’d like to do a little survey: Do you guys want me to do star ratings for each matches in my report? A couple of people talked to me about it and I was wondering what everybody is thinking on this issue. Email me your answer at [email protected] .

I am Dave Gagnon, this is NWA TNA, march 3rd 2004.

The show opens with a long video about Vince Russo’s return to TNA and Chris Harris’ quest to win the NWA world title. Vince Russo found God and according to Bob Ryder, tried to sell cookies to the TNA staff. Russo told them that it was peanut butter cookies but in a shocking swerve, it was actually cupcakes.

Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Screamin’ Don West.

Opening Match: Chris Harris vs Kevin Northcutt
Northcutt isn’t a Redshirt anymore so hurrah for The Blackshirts, they won the war. I guess it also means the end of The Artist Formally Known As Just Joe, Legend. The storyline here is that Russo wants to be sure that Harris will be ready for his match against Jarrett so he books Harris in several matches to toughen him up. And, people, this match is awful. Botched spots, rookie mistakes, boring chinlocks. Chris Harris wins with his new finisher “Live From The 504”. It’s quite the name for a finisher. So Harris live from the 504ed Northcutt for the win.
Winner: Chris Harris

The night isn’t over for Harris however, he will wrestle a mystery opponent later tonight.

Scott Hudson is with Trinity. Like every TNA interview, somebody interrupts, this time it’s Sonny Siaki. These wrestlers aren’t polite, interrupting people like that. You don’t see me interrupt other people’s columns (note to self: interrupt Aaron Conley’s next TNA Xplosion recap). Siaki states the obvious: his imaginary friend telling him to not sign Jarrett’s loyalty oath was Russo. He is joined by D-Lo, Killings, Diamond and Konnan. They all complain about the fact that they weren’t used properly by TNA but now that Russo is in charge, things will change. Siaki: “Not only we’ll get more exposure, we also have a huuuuuuge stack of cookies. Thanks a lot Vinnie Ru, God really changed you! Too bad that Road Dog ate all the special cookies”.

Second Match: Diamond, Konnan, D-Lo, Killings and Siaki vs Gilberti, Kash, Young, Swinger and Shawn Michaels’ Cousin
There’s so many people booked in this match, how can TNA can pay all of them? Swinger smartly avoids Diamond during the match. Heat segment on Killings until the hot tag to Simon Diamond. Swinger, once again, runs like hell. Pier 10 brawl, like Don West would say ” THIS IS GETTING CAHOTIC!!! CAN ANYBODY CONTROL THESE GUYS? ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE IN THE ASYLUM!”. Jobber David Young gets pinned by Diamond and, say it with me, Swinger runs like hell. Michael Shane attacks Road Dog (who did color commentary) and the heels beats up the faces until ICP, TNA’s biggest stars, runs in for the save. When you have rappers saving you from beatings, it’s time to quit wrestling and work in a subway station. Big pop for the clowns.
Winners: Team Diamond

Frankie Kazarian is back in TNA. He is mad at Jerry Lynn for not getting invited to participate in the Americas Cup. Kazarian: “Yeah, Sonjay Dutt gets invited but not me. What about me? What about Kazarian?”. Raven: “I told you to not do that”. Kazarian: “I’m sorry Johnny”. Raven: ” RAVEN!”. Kazarian: Raven! Yeah, sorry. My bad. No wonder I’m not getting booked anymore”.

Third Match: Frankie Kazarian vs Jerry Lynn
So I guess Jerry Lynn is really back. He must be on Uncle Zebekiah’s good side. Back and fourth match. Lynn hits the TKO but Kazarian kicks out at 2. A series of near falls eventually leads to the win for Frankie Kazarian.
Winner: Frankie Kazarian

Here’s a funny thing: Raven comes to the ring and hits his ddt on Kazarian. Life imitates art. Raven wants another world title shot. He gets interrupted by The Naturals. The Naturals and Kazarian teams up on him until Sabu makes the save. I smell a feud. Or Raven will just squash the three of them next week.

Jeff Jarrett, who was supposed to have the week off, is in the arena. A TNA PPV without JJ is like Christian Aguilera without a slutty dress: it just doesn’t feel right. JJ is with Shane Douglas. Somebody will get his ass franchised.

Scott D’Amore is with Team Canada. Petey Williams looks like a pizza delivery guy. Teddy Hart: “There’s no “I” in team”. Like Scott Keith would say: “I love shoot comments that aren’t shoot comments”. Wait, does it apply in this situation? Hmmmm. I guess not. Anyway, it was still funny to hear Teddy talk about working as a team. They guarantee that Canada will win the Americas Cup.

Fourth Match: Sonjay Dutt, Chris Sabin and Elix Skipper vs 3 Japanese Wrestlers
The japanese wrestlers are Ebison, Nosawa and Kishinsomething. Two of them wore clown masks. I had a clown joke but Meltzer beat me to it and wrote it in his last TNA preview. He is truly the most powerful man in the universe. Now, they alluded to the fact that Team Japan might get in the war against USA, Mexico and Canada, which is ridiculous considering that it’s the *Americas* Cup. The finish saw Skipper gave a member of Team Japan the Instant replay, followed by Dutt and Sabin both coming off opposite top ropes and landing him on for the win.
Winners: Team TNA

Scott Hudson is with The Lovely Goldylocks. Like Cheif Wiggum once again: “Why the prettiest ones are always the crazy ones?”. The storyline is that GoldyLocks is a crazy bitch and harass her ex-boyfriend non-stop. I think that we can all relate to that. Except my female readers. But maybe you once acted like a crazy bitch too.

We see a clip of Luger’s shocking return last week. Luger took forever to get in the ring.

Fifth Match: AJ Styles vs The Hoss Abyss – Falls Counts Anywhere Match
I was under the impression that we would see a tag team match tonight. Crazy brawl to start, until Jonny Fairplay attacks AJ Styles. Can’t wait to see the payoff of that feud. Three refs got bumped. Here’s hoping that it won’t lead to a ref strike like it happened in the WWF several years ago. I just don’t like to see refs out of work, they are people too. Abyss kicks out of the Styles Clash in a great nearfall. The match is so wild, even the blackshirt security can’t handle it. The match has no finish. A no finish in a falls count anywhere match? TNA is TRULY innovating. It feels a bit like a ripoff but it was a 15 minutes intense match and this feud is great.

Scott Hudson is with The Juggalos and ICP. ICP wants Jarrett’s Goons in a Dark Carnival Street Fight in two weeks. Because of the popularity of ICP, that PPV will be held in the Pontiac Silverdome.

Next week is the Americas Cup between Team Mexico and Team Canada. A big brawl between the two teams in order to hype the show. The question is: Will Juvy try to kill another man? Or who will Teddy Hart piss off this time?

Jeff Jarrett is in the ring and he is really mad. He’ll make short work of Vince Russo’s boy, Chris Harris, in two weeks. I hope for TNA that they will have a big show in two weeks because it will be the first PPV after WrestleMania XX. Jarrett wants to wrestle someone tonight: a stupid fan, Jeremy Borash, Tiny The Timekeeper, anybody. He is about to attack Tenay until Chris Harris makes the save…leading to this match…

Main Event: Chris Harris vs Shane Douglas
Douglas had the advantage early on but Harris made a comeback leading to his second win for the night. Harris won 5 matches in the last 2 weeks, meaning that he won more often in 2 weeks than the New York Rangers in their entire year. I’d like to thank them for sending Kovalev in Montreal, though. Russo confronts Harris and tell him that he will postpone the world title match because he feels that Harris isn’t ready yet. As you might suspect, Harris is not happy with this situation but the contract is signed so there’s nothing Russo can do. Jarrett charged to the ring and they two rolled around on the ring punching each other. Heavy D and Storm separated them.

Good show tonight, especially Styles vs Abyss.

Next week is The Americas Cup. I’ll see you next week with the recap of the event and “The Inmates Running The (TNA) Asylum.

Gags