411’s TNA Impact Report 01.15.09

We start the show out with highlights from the Genesis pay-per-view including Alex Shelley’s X Division Title win and the aftermath of the Jeff Jarrett/Kurt Angle bout as well as the end of the show where Mick Foley and the Frontline stood tall. From there we get the TNA opening video and we are LIVE-ish from Orlando, with Mike Tenay and Don West promising all of the results and fallout from Genesis and they tell us about the big main event tonight with Frontline’s AJ Styles taking on the Main Event Mafia’s Kurt Angle with Mick Foley as the special guest referee.

That cues the Main Event Mafia’s music and here comes the gaggle, with Kurt Angle leading the way as Tenay and West lay out what he did to Jeff Jarrett after the match. Don West tells us about Kevin Nash’s surgery for his severe staph infection and he notices that they’re not in their suits, but their wrestling gear, complete with matching t-shirts. Kurt Angle grabs the microphone and talks about how there have been many great families in history with men that would literally take a bullet for each other. He talks about the live Impact in Las Vegas and says that he promised that the Mafia would be the greatest assembly of champions in the history of this business, which prompts a huge chorus of boos from the Impact Zone. Angle says he’s spoken the truth and that everything the MEM has set out to do, they’ve accomplished. They’ve left a trail of carnage, broken bones, shattered dreams and blood along the way while ending careers and Angle throws it to a video package that shows the Mafia’s greatest “hits” including Samoa Joe, Christian Cage and BG James and the others. That draws even more boos and Kurt Angle admits he gets chills every time he sees it before saying that he did what he said he would and he took Jeff Jarrett out for good. Angle brings up the sore spots with Nash’s surgery and Foley picking up the win, before saying that they’re dressed for war because the war comes to an end TONIGHT! Angle promises to take out…errrr…take on AJ Styles tonight in the main event and he talks about Mick Foley being the guest referee for tonight’s main event, saying that they have both Styles and Foley in the same place at the same time and that it will feel so good to have a multiple hit tonight. LAX’s music hits and HERE COMES HERNANDEZ!! He’s got his briefcase and he’s got referee Shane Sewell with him and he’s cashing in his Feast or Fired title shot!!! He asks Sting if he’s scared and as the Mafia tries to talk up Sting, Hernandez mugs for the camera. TNA World Championship match coming up NEXT!!

Match One: TNA World Heavyweight Championship
Hernandez vs. Sting (c)

Sting has his MEM t-shirt on, bringing memories back of Ric Flair from the final Nitro and there’s the bell!! Sting plays to the crowd as the Main Event Mafia circle the ringside area and they finally hit a lock-up with Hernandez pushing Sting into the corner and hitting a BIG chop to the chest and another! Irish whip from Hernandez and he charges in, but Sting back-bodydrops him to the apron. Forearms from Sting to Hernandez on the outside and he bounces off the ropes, but Hernandez slingshots over the top rope into a HUGE shoulderblock!! Sting fires back with some right hands, but Hernandez sends Sting flying across the ring with a shoulderblock. Backbreaker from Hernandez and he gets a long, LONG two-count before Sting rolls a shoulder. Delayed vertical suplex from Hernandez, but Sting counters it into a Scorpion Death Drop!! There’s the cover!! 1…..2…Hernandez kicks out!! Sting chokes Hernandez against the second rope before working him over in the corner with some boots. Sewell gets distracted and Scott Steiner takes advantage to do some choking from the outside. Sting steps on Hernandez’s throat and whips him into the ropes for a clothesline, following that up with some stomps to the chest and back. Irish whip from Sting after some right hands in the corner and another Irish whip, but Hernandez takes Sting down with a pair of clotheslines!! OFF COMES THE T-SHIRT!! Hernandez has Sting up and he’s looking for the Border Toss!!! Booker T throws the t-shirt back into the ring and hits Hernandez in the face with it and HERE’S THE MAFIA BEATDOWN!! There’s the bell and all of the members of the MEM are in the ring to beat up Hernandez. Booker T tries to give him a shot with the TNA Legends belt, but Shane Sewell grabs it! Booker tries to hit Sewell, but Sewell ducks it and SENDS BOOKER TO THE FLOOR!! Sewell’s looking at the belt and he puts it down to try to break up the attack and HERE COMES HOMICIDE!! RIGHT HANDS ON ALL OF THE MAFIA MEMBERS!! Booker T with a sneak attack shot and now it’s four-on-two with the Mafia choking out both members of LAX. Angle picks Homicide up and hits a HUGE Angle Slam!! Steiner grabs Hernandez and tries for a belly-to-belly suplex, but Steiner just DROPS HIM ON HIS HEAD!! HOLY SHIT, that looked so dangerous. Angle locks in the Anklelock on Hernandez, but HERE COMES AJ STYLES!! The Mafia’s getting they asses kicked!! Styles turns around and eats a HUGE kick from Booker T, right in the face!!! Angle locks in a Guillotine choke on Homicide and HERE COMES BROTHER RAY, HERE COMES BROTHER DEVON!! TEAM 3-D CLEANING HOUSE!! It’s a malfunction at the junction and it’s breaking down in Orlando!! LAX throws a table into the ring and Devon has Kurt Angle while Ray has Sting. Ray is laying the SHIT-TALK on Sting as he wails on him and they finally set Angle up and POWERBOMB HIM THROUGH THE TABLE!! The referees are in to try to clear up the carnage as Sting drags Kurt Angle out to the floor and the crowd is going nuts!!!

Winner: Hernandez (disqualification, Booker-ference) *1/2

(Nothing much going on in the match as it was basically there to bring about all of the post-match shenanigans, but those shenanigans were incredibly entertaining. I get that Sting is hurting and couldn’t do much, so I commend them for getting as much mileage out of this segment as they did. While the match rating is low at *1/2, I’d rate the segment with the brawling and surprise return of Brother Ray at about **** on the entertainment scale. Great stuff to start the show off with a big bang.)

Random Impact Observation #1: Brother Ray needs to REALLY re-think that mohawk with the sideburns look he’s now sporting, especially with the little hair island that’s sprouting on the top of his head. If he wanted to do something different with his hair, he should have rocked the double mohawk like Hawk back in the day.

We come back from the break and Team 3-D and AJ Styles are still in the ring, soaking in the cheers of the crowd as Brother Ray celebrates in the crowd. Brother Devon gets on the microphone and talks about how they’ve been a tag team since day one and that there’s nothing that they haven’t done. They’ve won every title there is and they’re the standard-bearers in tag team wrestling. Devon says that they haven’t shown yet, just how good they are as singles wrestlers. Devon says that he’s not going to start at the bottom and he’s going to kick the New Year off right by kicking Angle’s gold medal Olympic ass at Against All Odds on February ??. Brother Ray gets on the mic and says that the Main Event Mafia didn’t get the job done like they had hoped. Ray asks what the people think of his new mohawk and then says that back in New York where he’s from, the real Mafia would have dug a hole, put him six feet deep, buried him in lime and had a dog piss on him. Ray says that he got thrown in a dumpster and that it wasn’t shit, so he’s back. Ray talks about never really thinking about being singles wrestlers, but that since there’s nothing left to do as a tag team, they’re going to do it alone. Ray says that if Devon wants Angle, he wants Sting!! He says that Sting didn’t hit him with a 2X4 like Nash did, he didn’t hit him with a pipe like Steiner did, he didn’t hit him with a chair or leave him in a dumpster, but he did something far, far worse. He says that Sting did nothing and let it happen, watching them beat Ray within an inch of his life. He tells Sting that he knew it was wrong and that he can’t fool the people much longer. Sting’s exposing himself as the liar and cheat that he is and that the people are catching on, so at Against All Odds, Ray is going to beat a lesson into Sting and become the TNA World Champion. Sting messed with the bull and at Against All Odds, Ray is going to give him the horns and shove them right up his ass!

Lauren’s in the back with The Beautiful People and Cute Kip and they’re talking about how excited they are to be a part of the Governor’s Inauguration, despite Lauren pointing out that it’s Barack Obama’s Inauguration. Cute Kip says that he’s listened to it for months and that he’s sick of hearing them go on about it because it’s a total rib. The slores tell him to get over themselves and that they know he’s just jealous of all the attention they’re going to be getting. He tells them that he’s done and walks off to leave the skanks to compare STD’s.

Random Impact Observation #2: I was about ready to type about how excited I was to see two great back-to-back segments and how impressed I was with all of the work from everybody in the MEM/Frontline angle in the first half-hour of the show and then they had to bring out the two skanks to dumb up the show. The only good thing about those two is that by this time next week it will be all over….hopefully.

We’re back in the Impact Zone and Tenay and West are at the desk, talking about Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle’s match from Genesis before moving to a highlight package of the match, though they freeze-frame before we get to see Jarrett nearly kill himself with his no-hands plancha over the top rope that came up short and saw him slam his face onto the floor. Tenay talks about how tough to watch the beatdown at the end of the show was and West talks about how Jarrett suffered a broken bone in his foot, multiple kidney contusions, cracked ribs and a concussion. We head to the back and the doctor is not going to clear Angle to compete tonight, with Scott Steiner saying that it’s only one match and that he’ll take on Styles tonight in Angle’s place. Angle doesn’t want to hear it and sends the entire Mafia packing.

After the break, we get a video package highlighting all of the retarded bullshit that’s happened between The Beautiful People and “Sarah Palin”, showing all of the nonsense that’s building up to the payoff for the signing of the papers and the slores trip to the White House. That leads to The Beautiful People’s theme music and here they come, with “Palin” in tow. While all of this goes on, I scramble for my “Who Booked This Shit?” sign. Palin says that they’ve passed every test to join her for her Inauguration next Tuesday and that they’ve proven to the world that they’re fit to be role models. She brings up their change in fashion, letting their natural beauty shine through, meeting all of the adoring fans (huge boos) and shoveling all of the cowshit for Greenpeace. She says that all that’s left is to sign the paperwork and they both sign, with West saying that they didn’t read it, whcih is stating the obvious. As if those hookers could read. Palin gives them both a big hug and here comes Taylor Wilde and Roxxi to rain on the parade. Palin looks concerned in the corner. Wilde has a microphone and says that Sky and Love are the most phony, plastic bitches to ever step foot in a ring and Wilde says that for the past six months they’ve tried to think of a way to get back at them for embarassing the entire TNA Knockouts division. Palin sneaks out the backdoor of the ring as Wilde talks about trying to build the Knockouts division as The Beautiful People made a mockery of the sport of wrestling. Wilde says they have fake hair, fake noses, fake everything and fake boobs. Wilde says that they’re not Divas, they’re the TNA Knockouts and that once you take away all of the makeup and slutty clothes, the only thing left are two dumb blondes. Roxxi gets on the mic now and tells the hoes that there is no Inauguration, no meeting the President and she points out that the woman at ringside is not Sarah Palin at all. Roxxi says that punking them out wasn’t fun enough, because now it’s time for them to get mucked. A bucket of mud comes spilling down from the roof of the Impact Zone and covers the slores in muddy goop. Palin hugs Roxxi and Wilde and the three of them leave to let the two mongoloids cry in the ring in a puddle of slop.

We’re back from commercial and we see a replay of the end of the last segment, with Tenay and West whooping it up and having a good old laugh. They send it to the back with Lauren talking to the Kong-Tourage, Sojo Bolt talks about how no one calls her Sojo but her momma and that Barbie dolls like Lauren get popped off in her neighborhood. She says that if the three bitches want to play, they fight and that if they want it to go ghetto and be a streetfight, they’ll take it to the streets. Raisha Saeed says something in Arabic that sounds like “MC Hammer” and we head to a Rough Cuts segment featuring Sojournor Bolt, talking about her past. Jeremy Borash says that he heard a story about Bolt going on a date and she beat up her date before saying that he doesn’t want to date anyone that could kick his ass. Terry Taylor talks about the first time he saw Sojournor on an independent show and that she commanded everyone’s attention. Bolt says she’s been working for six years, driving everywhere around the country to build her career. She says that she’s going to keep going and that you never stop learning in the professional wrestling business.

Match Two: TNA Knockouts Six-Woman Tag Streetfight
Kong-Tourage (Sojournor Bolt, Rahka Kahn and Raisha Saeed) vs. Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and ODB

Random Impact Observation #3: ODB looks like a homeless person. That is all.

Saeed and Roxxi get things underway and Saeed hits an armbar with Roxxi flipping out of it to reverse to one of her own. Tag to Wilde and she comes off the top rope with a sledge before moving to an armbar. Saeed turns the tables and pounds on Wilde in the corner before tagging in Bolt. Bolt charges the corner but Wilde moves and drops Bolt with an armdrag takedown before ODB tags in. Bolt hits a lowbridge and sends ODB face-first into the corner and tags in Rahka Kahn for some slaps. ODB takes over again and tags in Wilde, who hits a big cross-body for a two-count. Kahn shoves Wilde into the corner and chokes her with a boot before tagging in Saeed for a HUGE slam as we head to a commercial.

Random Commercial Observation #1:

Funniest. Shit. EVER.

ODB and Saeed are in the ring after the break and ODB drops Saeed with a clothesline that gets a two-count before tagging in Roxxi. The referee is distracted and didn’t see it, so he sends Roxxi back to the apron as Saeed takes over with an Irish whip. Bolt and Kahn grab ODB and drag her outside to get a beatdown, but Wilde and Roxxi slide through with dropkicks to take down Kahn and Bolt. All six women fighting on the outside before Bolt and ODB get back into the ring. Bolt drops an elbow and covers to get a long two-count. Bolt chokes ODB in the corner and distracts the referee so that Kahn can continue the choking. Bolt whips ODB into the ropes and tries a clothesline, but ODB ducks it into a flapjack!! ODB grabs at her cooch and tries to roll over to get a tag as Bolt tags in Kahn. ODB somersaults through into a HOT TAG TO ROXXI!! Roxxi’s on fire, cleaning house on the Kong-tourage with kicks and slams before she rolls Kahn up with a backslide!! 1…2…Bolt makes the save!! All six women end up in the ring brawling with Wilde and Saeed cat-fighting away. Kahn sets Roxxi up in the ring for a chokeslam, but Roxxi blocks it and hits the VOODOO DROP!! 1…2…3!! Kahn pitches a fit in the ring after the match!!

Winners: Roxxi, Taylor Wilde, ODB (pinfall, Roxxi Voodoo drop on Kahn) *

(Again, there was lots of spirit here, but not a lot outside of some punching and kicking so it wasn’t a very good match. It honestly felt like everyone was hitting moves at random with no real selling and it was really disjointed in places. I might be a little harsh on it, but it could have been way better than it was.)

Booker’s in the locker room with Kurt Angle and he says that he needs to back off and let the Mafia handle things. He calls Team 3-D “The Dudleys” by mistake, surely costing TNA some money as he runs down Mick Foley and AJ Styles as a washed-up loser and a hick. He says that Angle needs to let him take care of business tonight. Angle says he wants a few minutes to think about it and they part ways.

Match Three: TNA Tag Team Titles #1 Contender’s Match
Matt Morgan and Abyss vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed

Morgan and Creed get things underway with Morgan trying to corner Creed, throwing him into the corner and trying a shot that misses allowing Creed to hit a short right hand. Morgan takes over with his power, throwing Creed into the corner again, but gain Creed moves out of the way of a charge and hits Organ with a right hand. Creed tries a pair of punches, but Morgan holds onto his arms and headbutts him in the face before tagging in Abyss. Creed wiggles free and tags in Lethal and they staredown before Abyss shakes hands with Lethal. Morgan loses his shit on the apron about the handshake and Lethal and Abyss run through some moves with Lethal hiting a handspring elbow and a flying foreram, followed by a double axehandle from the top rope with none of it phasing Abyss. Abyss hits a HUGE press slam on Lethal and tries a charge in the corner, but Lethal moves out of the way, tagging in Creed. Creed with right hands, but Abyss cuts him off with a knee and tags in Morgan. Morgan hits a massive kneelift to Creed’s gut and whips him into the ropes before missing a clothesline. Low dropkick from Creed and he hits a flurry of right hands before dropping into the splits as Morgan runs the ropes. Creed gets up and EATS A CARBON FOOTPRINT IN THE FACE!! Commercial break!!

Back from the break and Morgan is in complete control, hitting an avalanche on Creed as Abyss tries to tag in to Morgan. Morgan sloughs him off and continues to work over Creed, hitting a leg lariat with Creed laid across the top rope throat-first that gets a long, long two-count. Morgan pushes Creed into his corner and finally tags in Abyss, who hits some big knees in the corner. Abyss charges in for a shoulder, but Creed gets his feet up and slips under to tag in Lethal! Lethal and Creed are double-teaming on Abyss after they’ve knocked Morgan off the apron and they charge at Abyss. Abyss tries a double-clothesline that misses and Lethal and Creed hit a double-suicide dive on Morgan on the floor!! Creed’s back on the apron and he hits a shoulderblock to Abyss’ gut, followed by a pair of missle dropkicks from the top by Lethal then Creed. Creed with the cover and he gets a long two-count. Morgan’s back in the ring and he catches Creed coming off the ropes and hits a HUGE fallaway slam as Abyss catches Lethal and drops him with a big powerbomb RIGHT ONTO MORGAN ON THE MAT!! Creed dropkicks Abyss out of the ring, Lethal’s still on top of Morgan, there’s the referee and there’s the three-count!!

Winners: “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed (pinfall, Abyss powerbombs Lethal onto Morgan) **

(I have to give them some credit for having a fairly inventive finish to the match. It was your standard big man/little man match up to the finish, and it was pretty good as a match with all four guys working hard, but it felt like little more than preamble to the Morgan/Abyss pull-apart. That’s never a good thing and it ended up detracting from the enjoyment of the match.)

Post-match, Morgan piefaces Abyss and Abyss has had enough!! Abyss with right hands on Morgan and they’re throwing down!! HERE COMES SECURITY!! PULL-APART BRAWL!! It’s INSANITY IN THE IMPACT ZONE!! From there, we head into the MEM locker room and Jim Cornette says that there’s no way that Kurt is going to wrestle tonight as he’s not cleared so he’d better pick one of the other Mafia members to step in and take on Styles tonight. Booker suggests that they need a rousing game of “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo”, with Sharmell claiming that Booker called it first. Cornette shuts them all up and picks Steiner, saying that if any of them dick around and stick their faces into the main event, he’ll fine them so much it’ll make Panda Energy’s debt look like a trip to the Dollar Store. Well, he didn’t say THAT, but he made his point just as clear.

Brutus Magnus likes hearing bones cracking and loves to smell blood. Apparently. JB is in the back with Mick Foley and he asks about the hit list after congratulating Mick on the big win. Foley says that he nearly saw his leg broken at Genesis, and that what the MEM have been doing is not a joke. Foley says that he’s not just asking, he’s BEGGING a member of the Mafia to get involved in tonight’s main event. NO MORE GAMES, says Mick.

Match Four:
Scott Steiner w/his pipe vs. AJ Styles (Mick Foley as Special Enforcer)

Steiner menaces Foley on the floor with his pipe before Foley grabs a chair and backs him off. Styles bounces around and Steiner starts off quick with a takedown, paintbrshing the back of Styles’ head before Styles slides out to the floor. Styles back in the ring and Steiner grabs an armbar before forcing Styles into the ropes and paintbrushing him again. Foley gives Styles some encouragement and he heads back in, right into a kneelift from Steiner. BIG chop to the chest from Steiner and he tries a hip toss off of an Irish whip, but Styles reverses to one of his own, dropping Steiner with a headlock takeover that gets two. Steiner tries to whip Styles off, but Styles doggedly hangs on until Steiner tries a belly-to-back suplex. Styles flips over and lands on his feet, grabbing the side headlock again. Steiner cuts him off with an elbow to the face off of a go-behind and they run the ropes before Styles hits his PHENOMENAL DROPKICK!! Styles slingshots over the ropes to take down Steiner with a cross-body on the floor and we’re off to a commercial break!!

Styles is still in control after the commercial, hitting a kneedrop off of the ropes for a two-count. AJ plants a reverse elbow onto the back of Steiner’s head, but Steiner just lowbridges him and drags him by the tights into the middle turnbuckle. Steiner chops part of Styles’ titty off into the third row and hits a powerslam on Styles in the middle of the ring for a long, LONG two-count. Steiner rams Styles into the turnbuckle and hits another chop before smothering him with a big belly-to-belly suplex that gets another two-count. Reverse chinlock from Steiner and he’s cranking away at Styles’ head, but Styles gets to his feet and hits some elbows to the gut to break free. Styles charges off the ropes and Steiner catches him in a bearhug before he tries a belly-to-belly suplex and SLAMS AJ FACE-FIRST INTO THE MAT!! What the fuck was that disgrace? Was he TRYING to kill him? Steiner gets a two-count off of that monstrosity and follows it up with a Steinerline before heading to the outside to grab a steel chair. Steiner wedges the chair between the turnbuckles in the corner and referee Earl Hebner gets in the way of the chair to save Styles. Styles attacks Steiner from behind as he argues with Hebner and HE SLAMS STEINER INTO THE CHAIR!! 1….2…Steiner JUST kicks out!! Right hands from Steiner and Styles fires back with a flurry of them, Irish whipping Steiner into the ropes. Steiner back-bodydrops Styles onto the apron, but that’s a bad move as Styles hits the HUGE SPRINGBOARD FLYING FOREARM FOR TWO!! Steiner goes to the eyes and tries an Irish whip on Styles, but Styles ducks under and hits a BRIDGING SUPLEX for a long two-count!!! Styles whips Steiner into the corner and hits another big flying forearm before trying another Irish whip. Styles tries for a splash, but it looks like Steiner pulled Earl Hebner into the way!! Steiner hits his finish and heads for the steel pipe as Mick Foley rolls in to check on Hebner. Steiner takes the pipe and WAFFLES FOLEY WITH IT IN THE BACK!! Styles recovers and looks to hit the Styles Clash, but Steiner breaks free and WAFFLES STYLES WITH THE PIPE!! There’s the cover and there’s the three cou….STYLES KICKS OUT!! No three-count!! Steiner sets Styles up for the Steiner Recliner and he’s got those fingers LOCKED!! Styles fights it as Foley drums up the support from the crowd by pounding on the apron. Styles drags Steiner across to the ropes, but ends up right back in the middle with the hold locked on again. Foley’s on the outside and he’s got Sawk-o on to distract Earl Hebner as HERE COMES PETEY WILLIAMS!! HOLY SHIT, IT’S PETEY!! MISSLE DROPKICK FROM PETEY!! PELE FROM STYLES!! 1…2….3!!! Styles wins!!!

Winner: AJ Styles (pinfall, Pele) **1/2

(A lot better match than it deserved to be with Steiner involved, but he needs to stop doing those belly-to-belly suplexes before he fucking kills somebody. That was absolutely ridiculous, especially with how many injuries TNA has at the moment. This a decent main event, that while it wasn’t Angle/Styles, was still a lot of fun and the surprise with Petey showing up at the end was a nice touch to bring that storyline full circle.)

Styles, Foley and Williams celebrate in the middle of the ring as Steiner heads up the ramp looking like he’s seen a ghost!! We’re all out of time from Orlando!!!