411’s TNA Impact Report 03.12.09

Like every other week, we open with a video package featuring the split between Kurt Angle and Sting and all that has entailed in the past few weeks. It gets interspersed between footage of last week’s fight between Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle that saw Angle get tossed from the Impact Zone like James Storm at last call. From there we see Kurt Angle stewing in the Main Event Mafia locker room with Mike Tenay promising that we’ll get Angle’s reaction tonight.

We have pryo, we have lasers and we are LIVE-ish from the Impact Zone in Orlando!! Tenay tells us that this week we’re going to get to see a six-man tag elimination match between Beer Money Inc. and Matt Morgan and Team 3D and Abyss. Kurt Angle makes his way down to the ring with a microphone as Tenay informs us that Don West is MIA without explanation so far this week. Angle tells Jarrett to come out to the ring and that he’s going to get his money’s worth with the Cross The Line promotional tagline because he crossed the line last week. Angle says that Jarrett tried to impress his “butt buddies” by throwing him out of the Impact Zone and by buying suits for the Frontline. Angle adds that he’s sick in the head and that he wants Jarrett to come out to the ring so he can show the people just how crazy he is. He promises that tonight it’s Jarrett and on Sunday, it’s going to be Sting. He screams that the entire world is his and asks if Jarrett is a big pussy, if he has any balls or if he’s chickenshit. That brings Jarrett out to the ring with full entrance and pyro, guitar in hand. He drops the guitar and makes his way down the ramp, but TNA shareholder Mick Foley shows up and cuts him off. BG James shows up and they both try to convince Jarrett to leave the Impact Zone and go back to his hotel room. Angle continues the shit-talk in the ring and as Foley and James finally convince Jarrett to leave, Foley gets on the microphone and asks Angle if he’s lost his mind. He asks what happened to the Olympic hero he met ten years ago. Angle tries to cut him off, but Foley cuts HIM off and says that before Angle tried to break Foley’s ankle, it was still about him. Foley talks about putting his own money on the line because he believed in TNA and believed in guys like AJ Styles, Samoa Joe and even Kurt Angle. He calls Angle one of the best he’s ever seen in the ring but adds that he’s eaten up by his own ego and that he’d do anything to hold onto his spot, even if it meant bringing TNA crumbling down. Foley says he thought he could reason with Nash, Steiner and Booker, but they’ve turned into Angle’s personal group of goons. Foley tells Angle that the only one he can place his faith in is Sting and that Sting is onto the fact that Angle has been using him all along. Foley says that Sting will walk out of Destination X as TNA World Heavyweight Champion and that the balance of power will have shifted and that means that Angle’s reign of terror will be done. Foley says that since Jarrett is gone, he’s going to fight Angle himself. Foley tries to goad Angle into taking a shot at him and says that he wants to Angle to hit him so he can have the opportunity to “Cactus Jack his ass”. Angle backs away and slowly leaves the ring as Foley stands tall, grinning like an idiot in the ring. Yeah, I called him an idiot. Anyone that wears sweatpants, running shoes and a suit jacket that looked to be made out of old couch cushions qualifies as an idiot.

We go to the back and see Jim Cornette in his office talking to JB about how Cactus Jack is tougher than a two-dollar steak and that he’ll step up to the plate. Sting shows up in the office and Cornette says that he needs a favor from Sting and that he has management all over him about Angle and Sting dominating the program. He says that all of the guys in the back are unhappy about not getting any time on TV and that they’re grumbling which makes management angry at Cornette. Cornette asks Sting to give someone else a chance at the limelight and says that he’s going to give Sting and Angle the chance to pick someone to back and that those two wrestlers will go one-on-one in the ring. Angle and Sting will still get to be at ringside, but the spotlight will shine on the wrestlers in the ring. Sting agrees and says that he’s “all the way in”, with Cornette saying that he respects him and that he’s the man. JB acts like a neutered dog because apparently he doesn’t get it. Cornette explains that he’s been in the business for a long time and that if you’re going to have chaos in your show, it needs to be chaos you created and that you can control. He adds that it’s good for business and business is about to pick up.

Random Impact Observation #1: These segments that feature twenty minutes of nothing other than the same re-hash week after week need to stop. It’s not the in-ring interview part that bugs me, but rather that once the in-ring interview is done, we have to head to the back to get reactions to the interview or something to add on to the interview. Nothing ever gets the chance to stand on its own because it’s just shoved right against something else immediately. Boo TNA.

When we come back from the break, we find out that TNA broke their record for viewers again last week, with TNA thanking them for their support. We go to the back with Lauren and she’s got Mick Foley and the winner of Survivor’s fifth or eighth or fourth season or whatever, Jenna Morasca. She says that she loves TNA and she loves Kevin Nash and that she took her million dollars from Survivor and invested it into millions more. Foley and her head off to talk business as Matt Morgan comes into the set. Morgan asks Lauren where her retard boyfriend Abyss is and asks if he’s going to accept the challenge for the 10,000 thumbtack match at Destination X. Lauren answers for Abyss, saying that he’s not going to mutilate his body anymore and that he won’t accept. Morgan says that he’s going to get him to do it one way or the other and adds that “The Blueprint” gets what he wants whenever he wants while trying to put the moves on Lauren. Lauren slaps him and runs off as Morgan cackles away.

Match One:
Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Rhino

Before the match begins, Tenay reminds us that Lethal Consequences will take on Steiner and Booker with both teams getting to choose two additional partners each. The bell rings and Bashir kicks Rhino in the gut, but Rhino fires right back with right hands. Rhino with an Irish whip that gets reversed and we miss a move as the camera cuts away to Don West finally showing up for Impact. West looks like he just rolled out of bed. In the ring, Bashir hits a big Irish whip into the corner on Rhino and drops him with a clothesline for a two-count. Bashir hammers away with knees to Rhino’s back and chokes him with the sole of his boot as West wonders why no one told him they were moving the start time of the show up this week. Tenay gets all pissy and tells him that the show starts the same time every damn week as Bashir staggers Rhino with some right hands into another two-count. West claims he’s coming down with the flu and Tenay asks if it’s a code word for “hangover” as West just looks into the camera like he’s Jack Benny or something. Rhino fires back with right hands and whips Bashir into the buckles but eats a pair of boots on a charge in. Bashir gets two off of that and drags Rhino up by the hair, dropping him right back down with a neckbreaker for another long two-count. Reverse chinlock from Bashir as West and Tenay continue to bicker like an old Jewish married couple. Tenay makes me laugh by saying that it smells like a brewery at the broadcast table. As opposed to the usual smell of vodka and moonshine dripping out of Tenay’s pores every other week. Rhino fires some right hands to the gut and drops Bashir with a belly-to-back suplex as both men try to fight to their feet. Bashir tries a turnbuckle smash, but Rhino blocks it and gets one of his own. They trade shots and Bashir tries an Irish whip but eats a pair of clotheslines and a reverse elbow from Rhino before getting shoulderblocked into the corner. Bashir blocks a belly-to-belly, but Rhino just powers him over anyways. Rhino tries for the GOARRRR, but Bashir moves out of the way. Rhino gets a quick go-behind into a roll-up and scores the three-count.

Winner: Rhino (pinfall, roll-up) **

(Not a bad match actually. It lost a little when West showed up and the camera started missing moves all over the place, but this was better than I thought it was going to be. I’m glad to see that it looks like Bashir is finally moving past the Shane Sewell deal and into something else. It doesn’t look like it’s going to be something that means anything down the road as Rhino is strictly mid-card at this point, but at least they’re trying something new.)

After the match, Bashir low blows Rhino and goes under the ring for a steel chair. He just WAFFLES Rhino in the face with the chair and gets his little tablecloth headdress to lay it on top of Rhino. He prays to Allah or whoever as Rhino lays under the cloth, likely with a new lump growing out of the front of his head. Further in the back, JB is with Angelina Love, Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne. Sky says that you don’t punk TBP without getting something back. She says that they’ve proven that blondes are beautiful and smart and adds that they’ll play dirty if they have to to get ahead. She claims that they’re formed a new sorority called Mi Pi Sexy and that now that the sides are even, it’s on like Donkey Kong for Destination X. Love takes the mic and calls JB a limp-dick before adding that tonight is Madison Rayne’s official initiation into Mi Pi Sexy with The Beautiful People at ringside. She says that if they need to, they’ll bring the hazing to a whole new level as they threaten TNA official Traci Brooks.

Random Commercial Observation #1: That MLB 2K9 commercial is pretty damn funny. Actually a fairly original concept too, which is rare for commercials these days. Kind of creepy to see someone next to their digitized doppleganger, but it was still funny.

When the commercial break is over, Angle is in the dressing room trying to find someone to wrestle for him. Steiner and Booker say that they already have their match while Nash says that he has a tube in his arm and wouldn’t be able to do anything even if he wanted to. Angle sends a couple of the MEM security to try to rustle up someone before we see a video package of the AJ Styles/Booker T feud. That leads to Booker in Jim Cornette’s office with Cornette saying that he has his belt. Booker says he’s going to sue someone’s ass and Cornette says he can’t have the cops on the premises all the time and that he’ll only give the belt back if Booker signs a release saying that he won’t call the cops or press charges against AJ Styles for anything. Booker signs and says he’s going to beat AJ’s punkass and it’s going to be on Cornette’s head. Booker says he wants to catch Styles on the street and Cornette says that he won’t have to find him on the street because he has a contract for Booker to fight AJ Styles at Destination X. Booker says he won’t sign anything without his lawyer around and Cornette goads him into it by saying that he understands that Booker is feeling like he might be too old and he’d get embarassed by someone as talented as Styles. Booker says he’s going to beat him like a bidet…and then leaves. There are no words.

Back to the broadcast table and we get the rundown for Destination X this Sunday. The big news is the participants of the Ultimate X match as it’s Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns with the debut of Suicide thrown in for good measure. We go further back and see Eric Young talking to Sting, asking for his shot. Sting says that he’s said that there’s a handful of guys that have the respect he’s looking for and that Young is one of them. He says that he couldn’t let Young go out there with the way that Angle is because it would weigh on his conscience. Young says that he still respects Sting and that he wants the chance to be taken seriously and for Sting not to make the mistake of not taking him seriously. Young says he wants the spot and he wants the chance, the same chance that Sting had when Ric Flair gave it to a snot-nosed, bleached-blond punk. Sting relents and says that since Young put it that way, he’ll give him the chance to prove himself.

After yet another commerical break, we hear about the different and very violent side of Samoa Joe since his injury at the hands of the Main Event Mafia. We get a video package of everything that’s happened to Joe since the whole feud began and Joe says that he’s had a fear. The fear of what he could do to people if he doesn’t keep himself in check. He says that in three days, his Nation of Violence will be real and that nothing will be the same when he finally makes his return. Solid piece of business from Joe there, but they really need to cut the stupid shit out with that lawnmower blade thing he’s carrying around. We go to the back and Lauren is with Lethal Consequences. She asks them about the eight-man tag match for later tonight and if they’ve decided on their partners. Lethal calls her “Scary Sherri” and says that Steiner and Booker have used them as doormats for long enough. He says that they’re going to chose Morales and Santana as their tag partners tonight, which leads to LAX coming into the picture. Hernandez says that the time for talking is done and that they’re going to take back their barrio starting tonight. Hernandez says that it’s time for the Main Event Mafia to go to a donkey show or something like that, which seems to be the entirely wrong way to take things. COMMERCIAL TIME!! CROSS THE LINE!! TNA IS (four minutes of) WRESTLING (in nearly an hour of show)!!!!

Random Commercial Observation #2: Yeah, that other guy from the Bowflex commercial. The one that plays in the band. He’s just as big an asshole as that one that sold his fat clothes. Seriously, does that machine ooze out something into your pores that makes you an insufferable douche?

Back from the break, Angle is trying to recruit Kiyoshi to be his representative. Kiyoshi and Team No Limit bow to Angle when he tries to ask them about if he’ll wrestle and Angle gets pissy. He kicks Kiyoshi and MEM security throws them all out as Angle gets all xenophobic and says that if you can’t understand English, you shouldn’t come to America.

Match Two: Six-Man Tag Team Elimination Match
Matt Morgan and Beer Money Inc. w/Jacqueline vs. Abyss and Team 3D

Tenay suggests that this could be the last time we see Team 3D as a team in TNA. West wonders why anyone would take the Off The Wagon Challenge since Beer Money are that good. Brother Devon and Roode start the match out with Roode taking over immediately with punches and chops, but Devon fires back and whips Roode into the ropes for a big shoulderblock. Big bodyslam follows it up and Devon comes off the ropes to drop an elbow for a two-count. Tag to Brother Ray and they double-team Roode with a sidewalk slam into a legdrop that gets two for Ray. Ray rams Roode into the top turnbuckle and hammers away at Roode’s gut before tagging Devon back in. Roode hits a pair of right hands and tags in Storm and they try for a double-clothesline but Devon ducks and takes them both out with a double-shoulderblock. Spinebuster from Devon on Storm gets two, but Roode gets involved to break up the count. As Ray and Roode fight near the outside of the ring, Jacqueline sneaks in and low-blows Devon, leading to a Last Call superkick from Storm!! 1…2…3, Devon is eliminated!! With that, Roode starts opening up on Ray as we head to commercial.

Back from the break, Roode and Storm are double-teaming on Ray, hitting a double-suplex into…..BEER!!! MONEY!!! Roode goes up to the second rope and tries for a kneedrop, but Ray gets out of the way. Ray hits a big back bodydrop on Roode, but Storm comes in to spit some beer into Ray’s eyes. Referee Slick Johnson (finally wearing pants), disqualifies Storm and sends him to the back, leading to Tenay and West arguing about the DQ. Sit-out Bubba Bomb follows on Robert Roode and he’s eliminated too. Morgan heads into the ring and drops Ray with a MASSIVE chokeslam and he gets the three-count on Ray. That leaves Morgan and Abyss and Abyss is slow to enter the ring before they start trading haymakers. Abyss hammers Morgan down to the mat in the corner and tries to charge, but Morgan moves out of the way and hits a clothesline. Morgan chokes Abyss blatantly in the middle of the ring and Morgan throws him into the corner for his patented Insanoflex elbows before missing a charging boot. Abyss with an avalanche in the corner into a sidewalk slam that gets a long two-count. Morgan staggers to his feet and reverses an Irish whip attempt into a CHOKESLAM!! No pin attempt though as Morgan decides to go for the bag of thumbtacks instead. Abyss catches Morgan and CHOKESLAMS HIM!! Abyss sees the bag of tacks on the canvas and he picks up the bag now with West asking if he’s going to be man enough to use them. Lauren runs down from the back and tries to tell Abyss not to do it and he turns around right into the CARBON FOOTPRINT!! EAT MY BOOT, FREAK!! There’s the cover and there’s the 1-2-3!!

Winner: Matt Morgan (pinfall on Abyss, Carbon Footprint) **1/2

(All six guys had their work boots on and this was pretty good before the commercial break. The rapid-fire eliminations killed it for me at the end and if this is what they were going to do, they could have easily just had it be Team 3D and Beer Money in an interview segment/fight and Morgan and Abyss in a separate match to build to the pay-per-view. It’s not as if we’ve never seen Abyss/Morgan before so they wouldn’t be giving anything away, especially with the gimmick on Sunday. Good match, but it could have been a lot more if they’d had more time. Maybe one less Kurt Angle interview segment backstage. I know that’s crazy, but it’s just a thought.)

After the match, Morgan pitches the referee and lays out the thumbtacks before trying to get all physical with Lauren. He chokes her and threatens to drop her into the thumbtacks, but Abyss attacks and drives him from the ring with a flurry of punches. Morgan smiles as he heads up the ramp and apparently Abyss has accepted the 10,000 thumbtack match at Destination X. West is beyond excited that someone’s going to get thrown into tacks at the pay-per-view. Can’t be as painful as actually having to watch it I suppose.

We come back into the Impact Zone after the commercial break and we see the exact same thing we just saw before the commercial break. I’m betting this leads to an interview with Abyss. West and Tenay continue bickering at ringside as West says that he doesn’t want to stereotype blonde women but it was the stupidest thing he’s ever seen. He adds that a woman should know her place and we get DISGUSTED TENAY!! He tells him to pull a Don West and take off. West says he’ll gladly leave and tells the truck that if they need him, he’ll be at the hotel bar. Tenay says West won’t have to ask anyone for directions. My guess is that it’s because Tenay already has it saved into the GPS of their shared rental car. The Abyss promo I just predicted comes up and he slobbers on the camera and screams, saying that once he’s done, Morgan is going to have more holes in him than A-Rod’s story. He says that he’s going to avenge himself and his girlfriend by making Morgan his bitch on Sunday night. Lauren tries to plead with him, but to no avail.

Match Three:
Madison Rayne w/The Beautiful People and Cute Kip vs. Taylor Wilde w/The Governor and Roxxi

Mick Foley joins Mike Tenay at ringside, saying that Don West was out of line and that he couldn’t stand to see Tenay’s sad puppy eyes at the table anymore. I wonder if Jarrett will be yelling at him for the rest of the night. Wilde hits a quick trio of armdrags and follows it with a reverse elbow into a two-count. Rayne heads over to her corner for some comfort from the sluts, both male and female. Wilde hits a big bodyslam but misses an elbowdrop, taking a pair of kicks that put her down on the mat. Rayne with a cover and she gets a bunch of two-counts before getting into Traci’s face. Wilde gets a roll-up into a two-count off of the argument, but Rayne drops her with a clothesline and pulls the hair before laying in a blatant chokehold/pin attempt that gets two. Wilde with a pair of forearms and she whips Rayne into the ropes for a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker that nearly breaks Rayne’s neck. Wilde tries for a sunset flip, but Rayne holds onto her balance. She tries to grab Traci, but Traci won’t latch and she just shoves Traci back. Traci shoves Rayne over into the pin and that gets the three-count.

Winner: Taylor Wilde (pinfall, sunset flip) *1/2

(Too short to mean anything and you knew with Traci involved that it would likely end up being her that factored into the finish somehow. I like that they’re trying to give these gals a story, but this is a far cry from when the Knockouts had Gail Kim and Awesome Kong at the top of the card. A for effort, C+ for execution because it’s just not that interesting.)

After the match (Man, have I typed that a lot tonight), Sky, Love and Rayne attack Wilde in the ring, laying out Traci to boot while Cute Kip runs protection. Roxxi and The Governor trip him up and crotch him on the ringpost before heading into the ring to clean house. The Governor attacks Sky and hammers her with mounted punches before Cute Kip comes back in to spray perfume in Roxxi and The Governor’s eyes. The Beautiful People both hit their finishers and stand tall at the end of the segment.

We head to the back with JB and ODB and JB is asking what a guy has to do to get to first base with ODB. She says that hello ususally works and JB tries his luck, nearly killing ODB when she chokes on her booze. ODB says that second base is when someone offers her a drink or buys her a drink. She smacks Borash’s face into her tittays and tells him that a triple will cost him. JB asks if it’s like the Craigslist thing because that never works for him. ODB tells him that she needs to be wined and dined, likely by a dollar menu meal at Mickey D’s NUTZ. She says that if someone wants to round all the bases with her, they have to give her a big box of stogies. JB offers up a cigarette and she says that’ll work because she’s horny. She throws him up on the table and mounts him, probably giving him more action than he’s seen in his entire life. That was almost scarier than either of Chyna’s pornos. The Main Event Mafia make their way down to the ringside area and Mike Tenay promises that we’ll know what they want after this commercial break!!

Random Commercial Observation #3: That Absolute Poker commercial with the 2-7 off-suit getting razzed in the lunchroom was outstanding. It might just be that I’m a poker guy and that I’ve actually won a couple of good sized pots bluffing that hand, but it just made me laugh for the entire commercial break.

When we come back from the break, Booker is getting into Mick Foley’s face and talking some shit on him with Kevin Nash riding shotgun. They go nose-to-nose and yell at each other before TNA Security come out to pull Booker away. Booker says he wants Foley’s ass and threatens him again. I honestly have to wonder if Sharmell is a beard at this point since Booker seems to want a lot of guys asses. From behind, Steiner ABSOLUTELY LAYS OUT Foley with a pipe shot and asks if they think that they’re playing a game or something while beating on him. BG James comes out to check on Foley as Booker and Steiner talk all the way up the ramp with Nash grinning like a Cheshire cat. Honestly, Mick would probably still think that this was a better announcing gig than the one he had on Smackdown, even with the gash on the side of his head. Commercial time.

We get video footage of what’s happened during the break and we see Foley saying that he’s not going into the ambulance to get stitched up because he’s got somewhere else he needs to be. BG James tries to reason with him and ends up telling Jeff Jarrett about what’s going on as Foley busts back into the Impact Zone. That leads to Rough Cuts and they’re previewing the Ultimate X match at Destination X. Chris Sabin says he’s going to prepare mentally and physically, while Alex Shelley says he’s going to look for every corner to cut and every shortcut to take. He says he’s looking out for his own safety and Chris Sabin’s safety. Consequences Creed calls Suicide the X-Factor of the match and Shelley gets in a great line about being reasonably sure that he’d “kill himself” to get his hands on the X-Division Championship belt. Tremendous.

Match Four: Eight-Man Tag Team Match
Lethal Consequences and LAX vs. Booker T, Scott Steiner and the Motor City Machine Guns

Well, you had to know that one was coming. The crowd boos the HELL out of the Guns and they soak up every single one of them walking down the ramp. Shelley and Homicide start things out with some attempted chopes from Shelley, but Homicide ducks under and lands some punches into a slingshot right into Hernandez. Hernandez catches him and drops him with a belly-to-belly before tagging in Jay Lethal. Lethal off the top with a double-axehandle on the arm and he hits the jabs before going into the hip toss/cartwheel/low dropkick for a one-count. Tag to Creed and they wipe out Shelley with some double-team offense before Creed covers for two. Creed gets a cheapshot from Sabin on the outside as he tries to run the ropes and Sabin follows that up with a springboard dropkick as Shelley holds onto Creed. Shelley and Sabin pose before Shelley tags in Booker T. Short-arm clothesline from Booker drops Creed and he follows that up with some kneelifts to the body and head. Tag to Steiner and he hammers on Creed with forearms before picking him up for into a backbreaker. Steiner rams him into the turnbuckles chest-first and drops him face-first onto the mat before flinging him into the corner. Chops from Steiner on Creed and he rakes the eyes before scoring with the belly-to-belly suplex. 1….2…JUST broken up by Lethal before the three-count. Steiner tags in Sabin and he hammers Creed before the Guns do some illegal double-teaming. Creed fights it off by springboarding over a sliding Shelley and dodging a charging Sabin, sending them crashing into each other. He tags in Lethal who comes off the top with a springboard dropkick, missing Sabin who ducks, but cracking Shelley. Lethal send Shelley into the corner and hits the enziguri before turning to Sabin and hitting the handspring elbow into a two-count. All eight men start brawling with Sabin and Hernandez left in the ring. Hernandez sends Sabin flying with a shoulder tackle and goes for the Border Toss, but Sabin shakes himself free and hits an enziguir. Sabin charges off the ropes and ens up right into position for the HUGE BORDER TOSS!! There’s the cover…1….2…3!! Shelley tried to save, but it was too late!!

Winners: Lethal Consequences and LAX (pinfall, Hernandez Border Toss on Sabin) ***

(What a surprise. The match I liked the most this week didn’t have a commercial break raping it for time and it also had the most young TNA talent involved. That’s about all that really needs to be said.)

JB is in the back and he says that he and BG have both seen Foley like this and nothing good can come of it. Foley agrees and says he doesn’t want anything good to happen out of it. He says that he’s looking forward to some very bad things happening and that he didn’t get into the ambulance because he can’t be in the hospital and at ringside for the main event at the same time. Mick wonders if he brought it on himself by calling the MEM a bunch of goons and says that he knows that Kurt Angle ordered the hit on him. Foley says that this might not have been why he got into TNA, but it’s why he got into wrestling because his own blood comforts him. Foley says that he’ll be at ringside and that he’s going to make a difference. He promises that things are going to change and that they’re going to change for the worse. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this according to BG, but Mick tells him that it has and it makes him very happy before looking into the camera like a maniac. Good to see that young whippersnapper Foley getting some mic time. I’m sure it will help him get a foothold with the fans as he desperately tries to get over and make a name for himself.

After the commercial break, we head back to Kurt Angle’s locker room and he’s trying to bargain with Brutus Magnus to be his representative. Magnus tells him that he’s got to be smoking something if he thinks he’s going to help Angle after what happened to Jeff Jarrett last week. Angle panics and tries to think of something, choosing one of his goons from MEM Security to get into the ring. Apparently that chap’s name is Rocco. Ugh.

Match Five:
Rocco w/Kurt Angle and Sal vs. Eric Young w/Sting

Young doesn’t even get his own music, having to enter with Sting’s music and video package. Gotta love that. We cut to a camera in the back and we see that Mick Foley is making his way out of his office and into the Impact Zone as we hit yet another…..commercial!! TNA!!! WE ARE BILL-PAYING!!

The match finally gets underwy and Young gets some advice from Sting before ducking a right hand from Rocco. Young pops him one in the chops and runs before ducking another shot and firing away with a flurry of punches. Young springs off the ropes, but gets NAILED by Rocco with a forearm shot. Knee to the ribs by Rocco and he fires off a kick to the back of the head to follow. Rocco rams Young into the top turnbuckle and hits a pair of right hands before he just throws Young across the ring. Stomps and punches from Rocco on Young in the corner as the crowd chants for Young. Rocco with a big Irish whip into an even BIGGER avalanche, nearly smearing Young into the turnbuckles. Rocco tries another one, but Young gets the boot up into the face, following with a dropkick out of the corner. Young tries a second-rope cross-body, but Rocco catches him and drops him with a Mark Henry-esque slam. Rocco heads out to the apron and climbs up to the top rope for a big splash, but YOUNG ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY!! YOUNG WITH A KRYPTONITE KRUNCH!! HOLY SHIT!! There’s the cover and there’s the three-count!!

Winner: Eric Young (pinfall, Kryptonite Krunch) *

(An absolute mess and really only gets the star because of the Kryptonite Krunch at the end. It looked like a botch on a Death Valley Driver on the replay, but it’s still impressive as hell. EY is strong like bull.)

Angle tries to attack Young and Sting as Sting raises Young’s hand, but Sting fights him off and into the corner. MEM Security guy Sal comes in to try to stop him, but Sting fights off both members of MEM Security and Angle before the numbers game becomes too much. HERE COMES MICK FOLEY!! Foley’s in the ring and he’s laying the right hands on Angle and MEM Security!! Down goes Sal, down goes Rocco. HERE COMES SCOTT STEINER!! Steiner lays out Foley as Grandpa Nash slowly pads his way down to the ring. Nash chokes Foley with his tennis shoe and HERE COMES JEFF JARRETT!! CHAIRSHOT FOR SAL!! CHAIRSHOT FOR ROCCO!! ANOTHER CHAIRSHOT FOR SAL!! ANOTHER CHAIRSHOT FOR ROCCO!! Jarrett tries to hit Steiner and Nash, but Sting protects them. Jarrett gets on the microphone and tells Kurt Angle that the three-ring circus stops right now. He says that at Destination X, it’s going to be one-on-one, man-to-man between Sting and Kurt Angle. He adds that the only way that he knows it’s going to be one-on-one is for him to make himself referee and to make Mick Foley the special enforcer. Kurt goes mental on the outside as Jarrett tells him to choke on those nuts. “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?? I’M KURT ANGLE!!” And with that, it’s time to fade to black as we’re out of time in Orlando!!