411’s TNA Impact Report 04.02.09

Unbeknownst to me, Dish Network decided to change the name of TNA Impact to TNA Wrestling, completing fucking over my DVR timer and forcing me to miss the first half hour of the show. The rest of the show will be filled in later on (hopefully), but for now we jump in with The Beautiful People interrupting Mike Tenay and Don West at the desk with Velvet Sky calling the crowd perverts and marks before saying that we should be glad to breathe the same air as they do. Angelina Love tells Tenay that if he wants to plug the show, they can plug that Taylor Wilde is going to get a haircut. Love shrieks that she wants their music and then we head to a commercial break

After the break, we get a sit-down interview with Mike Tenay and Mick Foley. He asks Foley about the chairshot on Sting and Foley says that it had been building for some time because Sting is smug, arrogant and condescending and that for him to take the mantle of conscience of TNA, something snapped inside of Foley. He says that after it was done, he felt a certain pride in his actions before saying that he may have been giving Sting way too much credit in making his career in the past. He says that he misspoke when he said that the elbow he dropped on Sting was the greatest in his career because his career isn’t over and he promises to drop an elbow from the highest of heights in Philadelphia at Lockdown. He says that six months ago, he didn’t give a single thought to being TNA Heavyweight Champion because he didn’t dare to dream that big because he became someone who was willing to settle for his lot in life. He talks about his six-year old son and him wanting a leprecaun to deliver presents for St. Patrick’s Day and Foley tells Tenay the same thing he told his son. Why the hell not? Why the hell can’t he become TNA World Heavyweight Champion at Lockdown.

We head to the offices of Dr. Stevie and Abyss is talking about the Octo-mom and saying that he and Lauren would never be that irresponsible. Dr. Stevie says that he told Abyss not to use any more weapons and then wonders why he’s missed the last two sessions. Abyss says he was with his family and Dr. Stevie says he’s full of shit. He doesn’t seem happy that Abyss disobeyed him when it came to using weapons. Abyss tells Dr. Stevie that he’s accepted the Doomsday Chamber of Blood match at Lockdown against Matt Morgan where someone can only be pinned when they’re bleeding. Dr. Stevie gets up and shuts the door to his office before slapping the EVERLOVING MONKEY FUCK OUT OF ABYSS!! He gets in his face and screams at him about violence and how if he wants violence so badly, he’s going to get it. He sits down and asks if they’ll meet at the same time next week and Abyss agrees.

Random Impact Observation #1: Abyss squealing away while Dr. Stevie slapped him around like a strung-out whore was pretty funny. It just reinforced the whole feeling that Abyss is a glorified Mankind rip-off when he did it and it just made me chuckle. I have to admit that these Dr. Stevie segments would be a little more bearable if Abyss was meeting with Dr. Steve Brule instead. For your health!!

We’re back from commerical and TNA Rough Cuts is talking about Team 3D and their definition of hardcore. Brother Ray says that hardcore is busting your ass every single night and he and Devon talk about their injuries from various hardcore matches. Devon says that people who think that the tables are pre-cut or the trash cans are fake, let them get in the ring and Team 3D will prove it. Brother Ray says that they love doing hardcore-style matches and that that is the environment they thrive in the best. Devon talks about loving the Six Sides of Steel and how there’s no interference and no way out. Ray says that they have to give the people what they want in Philly and that when they’re in the cage, they’re going to be in their element.

Random Impact Observation #2: I loved the part in the Rough Cuts segment where Devon was talking about how the tables aren’t pre-cut and the corresponding highlight showed a table cracking where it was scored before the match without breaking. Out of a hundred angles they probably could have showed that where it would have looked way less exposing of the business, that’s the one they chose. Magnificent.

Match One-ish….maybe?
MEM Security vs. Team 3D

Random Impact Observation #3: I half expect Sal from the MEM Security to start selling me a Big City Slider Station. The resemblance is uncanny.

Rocco and Sal sweat their way down to the ring and roll up the sleeves on their 8X Husky dress shirts before Team 3D come down the ramp with their toy belts. Beer Money Inc. are sitting in on commentary and Team 3D get in their faces about it as Beer Money says that they just want to watch and that they respect Team 3D. MEM Security uses the distraction to attack Team 3D and the match gets underway with Rocco in the ring with Brother Ray. He kicks him in the back of the head and holds him for a big kick from Sal. Sal chokes Brother Ray against the middle rope and Ray fires back with some punches before Sal goes to the eyes and stops the momentum. Tag to Rocco and he hits a HUGE splash on Ray, nearly bouncing all the way up to the roof of the Impact Zone. Rocco Irish whips Ray into the corner and he faceplants out of it, taking another pair of kicks to the back of the head. Ray goes to the gut for a break and nearly gets away, but Rocco goes to the eyes and tags Sal back in. Sal hits the ropes, but Ray catches him and drops him with a BIG-TIME URANAGE!! If that had been Rocco, it might have broken the ring. Ray hits the hot tag to Devon and he cleans house, dropping Rocco off the apron before sending Sal to the mat with a big reverse elbow and a spinning neckbreaker off the ropes. Cover for two before Rocco tries to break it up. Rocco misses Devon and splashes Sal before getting taken down with a shoulderblock from Devon. Sal gets taken down with a clothesline and tries for a cover, but Rocco breaks it up again. Rocco hits a big bodyslam and heads up to the top rope as the crowd chants for Devon. Okay, NOW he finally decides to get up to the ropes. Devon cuts him off and Ray joins in for a double-super powerslam. 3D for Sal and it’s all over!!

Winners: Team 3D (pinfall, 3-D) *1/2

(Rocco and Sal aren’t very good and this was mainly here for the angle after the match with Beer Money. This was a bit more spirited than I thought it was going to be, but that didn’t make it any better unfortunately.)

After the match, Rocco and Sal attack Team 3D from behind with chairs and James Storm and Robert Roode get up into the ring with the New Japan tag belts in hand. Roode grabs a chair from Rocco and winds up before WAFFLING ROCCO WITH IT!! Beer Money lay out MEM Security and hand the New Japan belts to Team 3D!! All four men staredown in the middle of the ring and Beer Money head out as we go to the back with Mick Foley and JB. JB tells Foley to make amends with Jeff Jarrett and Foley calls Jarrett a party pooper. Samoa Joe shows up and says he wants the entire Main Event Mafia and that he wants Foley to make it happen. Foley tells him to put the knife away and he’ll see what he can do.

Lauren is in the back with Beer Money Inc. and she wants an explanation for the save on Team 3D. Roode assures her that what she saw was real and that last week they saw a very serious side of Beer Money in the sit-down interview. He calls what they just did in the ring a reassurance to all the skeptics. He says that at Lockdown, they want Team 3D at their absolute best so that there are no injuries and no excuses. He adds that until Lockdown, Beer Money have Team 3D’s backs. Storm says that they’ve sacrificed everything to be the best team in the world and that he wants Team 3D to bring their crazy fans because he wants to see the looks on their faces after the match when Beer Money are announced the winners. He says that only then, will everyone know that Beer Money Inc. are the best tag team in the world. He closes it out with his catchphrase and finishes up a surprisingly solid promo from Roode and Storm.

The familiar music of the Main Event Mafia hits and here comes the gang. Apparently, this is going to be Kurt Angle’s public apology to Sting for his actions of the past few months. Angle asks Sting to come out to the ring because he’s got something to say. That leads to Sting’s music and here comes the man himself. In a bit of a Hidden Highlight kind of deal, Sting is wearing all of his own gear with no sign of his affiliation with the Main Event Mafia at all. Angle starts off by saying that it takes a big man to come out and admit that he’s wrong. He talks about questioning Sting’s integrity, his loyalty and his word, also bringing up that he spit in Sting’s face. He says that if Sting had lived the life that Angle had, he’d understand why he’s so paranoid, but that’s another conversation. Angle says he’s going to humble himself and apologize before sticking his hand out for a handshake. Sting cuts him off and asks if he’s kidding. He asks if Kurt thinks that a simple handshake is going to erase everything that he’s done in the past few months. He talks about how when they started the Mafia, it was about respect and that that’s not what Kurt Angle is about. He says that they’ve talked about some of the young guys and called them spoiled brats in the past, but now he sees that Kurt is the biggest spoiled brat in all of TNA. He says that Kurt’s ego has gone too far this time and that he’s not buying it. Angle says he’s right about everything and that he is who he is and he can’t change that. All he can do is apologize and he looks at Sting before saying he’s sorry again. Sting turns his back and walks away, getting ready to head up the ramp and Kevin Nash cuts him off. Nash asks if he’s going to walk away from someone who’s just apologized and gets all Biblical on Sting’s ass, bringing up turning the other cheek. Sting tells him not to go there and Nash says he will as the crowd chants at Sting to walk away. Nash says that’s what the fans want because he’s the only one that can make a difference. Sting is one of the few people that Nash respects according to him and he says that he’s the only one that can make things right. He tells Sting that if he walks away, he’ll never know what respect is before he begs Sting to give Angle another chance. Before Sting can answer one way or the other, he’s cut off by Mick Foley’s music. Foley is up in the rafters of the Impact Zone, mocking the Mafia and he says that he wishes he could be down in the ring, but he’s been getting reacquainted with an old friend as he holds a barbed-wire baseball bat. He says that he’s got a job to do to make sure that Sting is ready for him at Lockdown, so he’s going to book Sting in a non-title match tonight against Samoa Joe to help him get ready. Sting looks rather distraught at this turn of events and Mick Foley’s music plays us out to the commercial break.

After the break, we head back to Dr. Stevie’s office and he’s got The Governor with him. Apparently, Daffney is back all the way as she says that she got sent away for five years to an insane asylum. She’s better now and she decided to go out and act again because she loves it. She talks about doing odd jobs and commercials and stuff before she got the call from Roxxi and Taylor to prank someone. She says that it was just supposed to be a job, but that The Beautiful People got out the scissors and cut off her hair. She says that all of the old feelings she tried to supress came rushing back and she breaks down in tears. She tells Dr. Stevie that her old doctor told her that a brain sometimes has a life of its own before she thanks him for listening and leaves the office. Creepshow.

Match Two…..probably
Madison Rayne w/The Beautiful People vs. Taylor Wilde

Wilde comes out all by her lonesome while Rayne has Sky and Love in her corner. Not a good idea. Tenay chastising West for blowing kisses to Sky and Love while West calls him jealous is tremendous. Wilde gets a quick go-behind on Rayne, but Rayne shoves her away. Rayne grabs a side headlock and holds onto it with a handful of hair before Wilde armdrags her way out. Dropkick from Wilde sends Rayne out to the floor and she tries for a baseball slide dropkick, but Velvet Sky drags Rayne out of the way. Sky and Love drag Wilde off the apron, smashing her into it face-first as she tries to get back into the ring and Rayne takes over with a Hot Shot across the top rope before covering for a two-count. Wilde goes to the gut to break Rayne’s stride and she whips Rayne into the ropes for a spinning heel kick that gets a two-count. Rayne kicks Wilde in the gut and comes off the ropes with a NASTY boot to the face. She picks Wilde up and hits some knees into a spinning neckbreaker that gets another long two-count. Rayne tries a slam, but Wilde reverses it, turning it into a bridging suplex for two. Rayne drops Wilde with a clothesline before covering for another two-count. Rayne whips Wilde into the corner but misses the charge and Wilde gets a pinning combination for the 1-2-3!!

Winner: Taylor Wilde (pinfall, roll-up) *1/2

(Eh. This suffered from the same problem that about ninety percent of the Knockouts matches have. It’s hard to care about these ladies when nearly all of them look similar and it’s especially true with Rayne and Wilde. The action was decent, but it felt a little bland to me. Call me picky, but that’s how I saw it.)

Before Wilde’s music can even hit, TBP hit the ring and beat her down, hammering away with punches and kicks. They hold Wilde in the middle of the ring and threaten her with the scissors. Love gives the scissors to Rayne and Wilde manages to get away during the exchange. Sky and Love scream in her face to go get Wilde and Rayne storms up the ramp and to the back, scissors in hand.

After the commercial, we head to the back and we see that Rayne, Love and Sky have cornered Taylor Wilde in the shower area of the ladies locker room and they’re beating her good. Rayne gets the scissors and as Sky and Love hold Wilde, Rayne gets a good couple of chunks cut off with the scissors. TNA Security comes to break things up and we head to the announce desk for shilling of the house show circuit with Don West going into full-on QVC mode. From there, they run down the card for Lockdown and we see AJ Styles and Scott Steiner heading to the ring for the first round of the Lethal Lockdown advantage challenge.

Lauren is in the back with Jenna Morasca and she asks about the comments Kurt Angle made about her. She asks Lauren what they were and Kevin Nash cuts them off. Apparently, they’re off for date. She stops to ask Lauren again about what Angle said and Nash says that Angle said she was the hottest thing in TNA. He gets into “Big Sexy” mode and they head off for a night on the town in Orlando, though god knows what they’ll do in Orlando.

Match Three…or so…
Scott Steiner vs. AJ Styles

Styles and Steiner talk a little before they finally hit a lock-up and Steiner goes right into a side headlock. Styles whips him off and Steiner drops him with a shoulderblock before sending him into the turnbuckles. Chop in the corner followed up by an Irish whip into the opposite corner by Steiner, but AJ stops a charge with an inverted atomic drop followed by a clothesline. AJ mounts Steiner and hammers away with right hands before continuing the barrage in the corner. Steiner goes to the eyes to take over and hits a big bodyslam into a kick to the lower back. He pushes Styles into the corner and chops him again, following that with another bodyslam attempt, but Styles floats over into a waistlock. Steiner breaks the lock with a low blow and both men are down as we head to commercial!

Random Commercial Observation #1: If you’re trying to have sex with an electrified cow’s heart, you’re retarded and you deserve to die. I feel better for getting that off my chest.

Back from the break and Steiner is working over Styles in the corner with knees and punches. Steiner whips Styles into the corner and tries to charge in, but Styles gets a boot up to drop Steiner. Styles blocks a right hand and hits one of his own before they start trading punches in the middle of the ring. AJ cuts that off with a big kick that gets him a long, LOOOOOONG two-count. Styles sets up for the Styles Clash, but Steiner just back bodydrops him over. Steiner charges, but Styles catches him with a beautiful bridging belly-to-belly suplex for a two-count. Steiner rakes the eyes and clubs Styles with a right hand before dropping him with a big powerbomb that gets a two-count. Steiner chops Styles in the corner and whips him across, but misses the charge again, taking a boot to the chest. Styles tries a short whip into the corner, but Steiner reverses it. Styles floats over and hits a big backbreaker before heading to the apron for his huge springboard forearm. Steiner pulls the referee into the way of the forearm shot and everyone’s down in the ring! Kurt Angle comes down the ramp and slips a chair into the ring to Steiner. Steiner whiffs on the chairshot and Styles hits a PELE!! HERE COMES JEFF JARRETT! Jarrett hammers away on Angle and Styles has the chair in the ring now. Jarrett stops Styles from using the chair and tries to reason with him so he doesn’t get disqualified and that allows Steiner to hit his front DDT-finisher dealie on the chair!! There’s the cover and there’s the three-count!!

Winner: Scott Steiner (pinfall, chairshot-assisted DDT thingie) **1/4

(Nothing outwardly offensive here, but it felt like they were repeating spots or sequences over and over again. How many times did we really need to see Steiner charge into the corner to take a kick or a punch or whatever. If there was less repetition, this one would have probably gained another quarter-star.)

JB is in the back with Sting and he asks Sting about the match with Samoa Joe tonight. Sting says it’s hard for him to do anything else but thinking about Joe because Joe’s snapped. He says that he’ll survive the match tonight and then promises that next week, Foley’s going to pay.

Match Four…or Five
Sting vs. Samoa Joe

Joe’s new music is different. I’m not sure how much I like it yet, but it’s different. Joe charges the ring and kicks Sting before firing off a flurry of jabs. He rakes Sting’s face against the ropes and Sting goes back at him with some kicks and chops. Joe kicks Sting’s leg out and boots him in the chest. Sting catches a kick and tries for a Scorpion Deathlock. Sting turns it over!!! Joe kicks away from it and tries to recover, but Sting is right on him with a clothesline. Irish whip into the corner by Sting and he hits the follow-up clothesline. Another Irish whip from Sting and he tries for the Stinger Splash, but Joe catches him and drops him with a uranage. Joe scowls down at Sting and picks him up with a choke, throwing him into the buckle and setting him up on the second rop in Muscle Buster position. Joe hammers away with punches and the referee gets in his face about it. Joe throws the referee down and that’s enough for the DQ.

Winner: Sting (disqualification, Joe’s continuing abuse of officials) 1/2*

(Way too damn short to mean anything. I’m really starting to get sick of seeing Joe throwing away wins week after week. I know that he’s supposed to be too hell-bent on revenge to want to care about winning, but it’s just starting to get silly)

Joe drops another couple of referees after the match as they try to come down to stop his rampage. He gets Sting up and DROPS him with the Muscle Buster. Joe picks him up and slaps on the Kokina Clutch for good measure. Booker T comes down to the ring to try to save Sting, but before he can get in much offense, Joe nearly kicks his head off with an enziguri. Joe mounts Booker with punches and then heads outside as Sharmell comes down to check on her man. Joe gets a chair and rolls back into the ring with Joe glaring at her. Stone Cold Samoa Joe threatens her with the chair and Sharmell begs and pleads until Joe drops the chair and leaves the ring. He grabs Sharmell from behind and lifts her onto his shoulder, taking her towards the exit as the crowd chants “TNA” for some odd reason. I really don’t get what the hell they’re trying to do with Joe. I really truly don’t. The end.