411’s TNA Impact Report 12.10.09

Hey yo. I’m back with you for Impact for the first time in what feels like forever. But I bring good news: 411mania is hiring! Think you can review Impact? Are you reliable and do you have a talent for writing? Send me a sample and if it’s good, you’ll be the new Impact recapper! Writers for 411 get their name out there on the number 1 pop culture site around, as well as all sorts of other perks. Let’s start the show!

Hey look, they open with Hogan clips and Sting clips. Push that new generation! We cut to Foley arriving and Nash is sitting in his office. Nash has a deal to offer and has arranged a sit-down talk with Hogan and Foley. All he wants in return is to run Impact. Foley makes the deal which explains what I’ve seen of the card. He gives Nash a DVD of the footage of the Jarrett meeting and leaves with JB. He then gets on the phone and wants the security tapes for Foley’s office for the last 3 months…intriguing.

Nash is in the ring now with Eric Young. I thought Eric was in charge of this pairing? He is definitely playing subordinate here. Nash says he’s in charge and explains the deal they made. He then runs down the card:

British Invasion (all 3) vs Chris Sabin
Scott Steiner and a Knockout of his choice vs Lashley and Kristal
Eric Young vs Hamada for the Global Championship
Tara vs ODB in a Trailer Park Throwdown (Each girl must guzzle a 6-pack prior to the match)
Team 3D, Jesse Neal, and Rhino vs. D’Angelo Dinero, Hernandez, Matt Morgan, and Suicide (whoever gets pinned starts the elimination match alone at Final Resolution, stays for 5 minutes)
Lacey Von Erich vs. Velvet Sky
To the highest bidder, a title shot against AJ.

He also promises to make a run-in during the mud wrestling match.

We cut to Foley in Nashville, walking around in the production facility. Russo is on the screen! He says almost nothing. He meets up with a random guy who hasn’t seen Jarrett in months. He gives Mick the name of a restaurant where Jarrett used to hang out. PLEASE don’t make this a Foley road trip through Nashville. PLEASE.

Tenay and Taz hype January 4th.

HANDICAP MATCH: British Invasion vs. Chris Sabin

Williams starts with Sabin. Sabin goes to the arm but Williams grabs a headlock. Sabin rolls out and hits a kick to the chest of Williams. Williams whips Sabin and Magnus knees him in the back but Sabin kicks his knees out then sidesteps a charging Williams sending him to the floor. Sabin wants to fly…Big Rob wants to level him with a shoulder block. Ouch. Williams is back in and beats down Sabin for a bit before tagging Magnus, they hit the double team necktie. Tag back to Williams who hits a high knee in the corner then whips Sabin into the boot of Magnus. Tag to Big Rob who gets a scoop slam but misses the elbow drop. Williams tries to interfere but Sabin pushes him into Rob! Magnus gets the same treatment! Yakuza in the corner to Rob! Sabing rolls under a double clothesline and Magnus and Williams hit Big Rob! Sabin to the top…missile dropkick to Magnus and Williams! Tornado DDT…botched but Sabin saves it by turning it into a small package! 1…2…3???

Winner: Chris Sabin via pinfall (tornado umm…small package)

No way should one man ever beat 3 men unless it’s monster vs 3 jobbers. The Brits argue with Big Rob as we go backstage to Christy Hemme who is with Scott Steiner. He cuts an awesome Steiner promo including threatening to beat up Miles Lashley if he gets in the way. Hemme says he’s 2. Scott says no, he’s one and a half, but he doesn’t discriminate by age. I love Steiner.

Foley is walking through Nashville and has gone to a senior’s home to talk to Ruby. She hasn’t seen Jeff in a month or so. Foley wants to be told if Ruby sees Jeff anywhere. OK…

Scott Steiner and a Mystery Partner vs. Bobby Lashley and Kristal

OH SNAP HE PICKED KONG. Never saw that coming. So ummm…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! At this time I am contratually obliged to remind you that King kills bitches dead. Even when dressed like this:

Kristal looks terrified. Lashley kicks Steiner and gets a scoop slam. Steiner bails on an Irish whip and gains control with shots in the corner when he re-enters. Whip by Steiner but he charges into Lashley’s elbow. Shoulder gutbuster by Lashley and a speat in the corner. Vertical suplex for 2. Steiner reverses a whip and Kong trips him, then Steiner levels him from behind. Steinerline and Kong wants in. Steiner says “EH EH!” Kong is displeased and clotheslines Steiner! The distraction allows Lashley to regain control and hit a T-Bone suplex. Kristal makes the mistake of tapping her husband on the back and the ref has signalled it as a tag! Steiner stalks her as he whips Lashley into the steps, so Kristal gets in the ring…and is nailed by Kong. Slam by Kong and she’s up top!!! Backwards! Steiner decides to cover Kristal instead and gets the 3, then humps her. Kong looks pissed and Lashley chases off Steiner.

Winners: Scott Steiner and Awesome KONG~! via pinfall (Steiner on Kristal, ong’s scoop slam)

Joe is with Lauren, who announces Feast or Fired is back at Final Resolution and Joe is in it. Joe thinks they are trying to keep him out of the main event, but he will get the title shot in Feast or Fired. Beer Money want in the match too. Roode thinks it’s worth the risk, Storm does not.

The Beautiful People are preparing to mud wrestle, and they don’t want to do it. Well, Madison Rayne wants to be in the match but nobody asked her. Aww muffin. Nash shows up to convince them to wrestle, and suggests that Madison be the referee. Lacey thinks they’re going to get rated like those 5-star hotels, but they’ll get like six. NOT FROM ME!

Video montage on Sting and how he is pissed at Hogan signing. Then we get a replay of the announcement at UFC’s TUF10 finale.

Lauren is with Tara who is trying to drink beer. She doesn’t think it’s funny, she’s a world class athlete and shouldn’t have to drink before a match. But she’d drink three 6-packs to get her hands on ODB. I’d suggest washing them right afterwards hun.

Christy is with Eric Young. She asks about the title match tonight. Eric wouldn’t have it any other way. He says this match is an initiation of sorts, because they want her in World Elite. He wants hamada to try and beat her, to prove the haters wrong. Yeah, we really believe this could happen Eric. And Hogan will job to Shark Boy.

TNA Global Championship: Eric Young vs. Hamada

Hamada tries to fire up the crowd. Eric backs her to a corner and breaks clean. The crowd is actually chanting for Eric. SPINNING HEAD KICK by Hamada! Eric to the floor and Hamada is going nuts! Headbutt! Chops! She rolls Young back in but runs into a boot. Eric climbs to the top but Hamada ctaches him with another head kick. TOP ROPE RANA! 1…2…2.8006! Scoop slam by Hamada, moonsault! Misses, Young covers and uses the ropes! 1…2…3!

Winner: Eric Young via pinfall (missed moonsault)

The Beautiful People are discussing how to break a ratings record tonight so they can get a big bonus. Madison suggests a wardrobe malfunction. I heartily endorse this product and/or service. Lacey thinks they should just wrestle instead. FAIL. Then they talk about kissing on air. OK I’m watching the segment anyway girls, no need.

Foley is now at some corner diner looking for I40-East. He gets directions and lo and behold, Jeff Jarrett is in the bar. Wearing a BloodRayne skull cap no less.

Christy is with ODB who is gargling booze. You stay classy ODB.

Trailer Park Throwdown: ODB vs Tara

Tara appears tipsy. She makes as if to throw up into a bucket but instead waffles ODB with it, sending her to the floor. Then she beats her with a tiki torch and goes to nail her on the head with a cooler but gets booze spit in her face. ODB wraps her in crime scene tape and hits her with something hard. Cookie sheet I think. She hits Tara with a plunger (yes I just typed that) and rolls her back inside. Catapult into the ladder that is set up in the corner! ODB climbs the ladder, thinks better of it and instead grabs a 3-step ladder. ZOMG SPLASH OFF THE LADDER! 1…2…no! That had to be at least 20 centimetres off the floor. ODB chokes Tara in the corner with a tiki torch but Tara flips her over and to the mat. They exchange trash can lid shots from their knees, an exchange that Tara wins. She wears ODB out with it and hits a scoop slam, puts the lid over ODB and hits the standing moonsault! She tries to go up top but is too intoxicated and falls down. ODB chokes her with a chain then uses said chain to execute a facebuster onto a chair! 1…2…3!

Winner: ODB via pinfall (Facebuster into a chair)

Foley wants to know where Jeff has been. He says Jeff looks like hell, and Jeff says he has been living in hell. He wants to know why Mick is there. Foley says that Double J can’t stay away from wrestling, and Jarrett says that Double J can’t, but Jeff Jarrett can. SPLIT PERSONALITY!

Team 3D, Jesse Neal, and Rhino vs. D’Angelo Dinero, Hernandez, Matt Morgan, and Suicide

Jesse Neal looks really rather aggressive. Brother Ray has a mic and says that the Pope isn’t gonna mke it into the match tonight. That explains why Jesse Neal is wearing his jacket.

Back from commercial and Morgan takes Rhino to the corner right away and hits his back elbows in the corner. He misses the charge though and Rhino tags Devon, who gets leveled by Morgan. Devon comes back with a shot to the gut but runs into a clothesline. Tag to Suicide who comes off the top but Devon avoids the axehandle and tags Ray. Suicide avoids a right and tries an arm drag but Ray blocks. Suicide tries again and gets a pair of arm drags and a dropkick. Whip to Suicide, he avoids the charge and goes up top but Neal shoves him off and to the floor! BIG boot by Ray to Suicide. Tag to neal who lays in some rights and some Demolition-style shots to the back. Rhino tags in and hits a corner spear. Tag to Devon who beats down Suicide with stiff rights but runs into a boot. Dropkick by Suicide and both men are down. Neal tags in and so does Hernandez! Slingshot shoulder to Neal! Shots for everyone! Whip to Neal and a back body drop. He avoids a charging Rhino then clotheslines Devon to the floor. Neal attacks from behind but gets obliterated by a shoulder tackle. FLYING MEXICAN to the outside onto Ray, Devon and Rhino! Hernandez is back inside, DOMINATOR! 1…2…no! Neal kicks out. Ray is in, Bubba Bomb to Hernandez! Carbon Footprint to Ray! Belly to belly by Rhino on Morgan! Springboard missile dropkick by Suicide to Rhino! Saving Grace by Devon to Suicide! Deon tries to superplex Hernandez, Super Mex fights it and hits the Border Toss! SPEAR by Jesse Neal! 1…2…3?????

Winners: Team 3D, Jesse Neal and Rhino via pinfall (Neal on Hernandez, spear)

OK it was a decent spear, but remember when Hernandez was getting pushed?

Post-match the heels stomp down the faces until Pope’s music hits and he comes limping out with a cane. That’s enough to chase off the four men beating down the 3 men. Right.

MUD WRESTLING MATCH: Lacey Von Erich vs. Velvet Sky

DAT AZZ CUBED! I love you Kevin Nash. Ummm…Velvet mounts Lacey. They uhhh…roll around. Ummm…Velvet gets a cover for two, then they trip up Madison. IT’S ALL STICKY! Somehow Velvet gets the pin for 3.

Winners: Every red-blooded straight male via GOD DAMN

Lauren is with Black Machismo, and the Open Invitational is back next week! Lethal has all sorts of excuses and rambles. A lot.

Foley and Jarrett fight with handbags at 20 paces. Mick calls Jeff a chicken, but nobody calls Jeff McFly chicken.

AJ is out for his match with the highest bidder.

TNA World Title Match: A.J. Styles vs. Desmond Wolfe

Well now. Angle comes down to ringside to watch. Wolfe locks in a full nelson and transitions to an armbar. AJ tries to roll through but Wolfe holds on. Scoop slam by AJ but Wolfe STILL holds the arm. AJ finally figures out a counter and grabs an armbar, Wolfe escapes and runs into the swank dropkick by AJ. Shots in the corner by AJ, whip but he misses the charge. Divorce Court by Wolfe. Japanese arm drag and then back to the arm. Everything Wolfe does is targeted on the arm, and it’s awesome. Wolfe charges into a boot and AJ is on the rampage! Forearms a-plenty and a modified neckbreaker across the knee by AJ. That hurt his arm and he sells it. AJ gets lifted to the apron but comes flying back in with the springboard flying forearm! Both men collide and Wolfe’s foot comes up into AJ’s groin on the way down. Looked inadvertent but Wolfe makes it clear that it wasn’t. Wolfe measures for the lariat but Daniels is at ringside! He distracts Wolfe long enough for AJ to get the rollup, the bridge and the 3!!!

Winner: AJ Styles via pinfall (rollup with bridge)

Wolfe is pissed and gets in Daniels’ face. They brawl! The refs break it up as we go to commercial. Now why couldn’t that close the show instead of another Jarrett-Foley segment?

They’re talking about Dixie Carter. Jarrett is nervous about Kurt, but Foley says deal with Dixie first. Jarrett agrees!