411’s WWE Raw Report 11.06.06

Hey, I’m back again. Thanks to Larry for filling in last week when I was bogged down by the evils of work. My 11 hour shift was due to start just 4 hours after the end of RAW. That followed on from the previous days 12 hour shift. Evil week. I’m glad to see the back of it. Luckily I busted my ass so much that we’re now light years ahead of where we should be and everyone is really happy. Time to get back to doing something worthwhile – the wonderful work here at 411.

Tonight we’re in Columbus, Ohio. Hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Tonight Kevin Federline will be explaining his actions last night

CLIPS – we see the end of Cyber Sunday’s main event with Federline assaulting John Cena and costing him the chance to become a double champion.

PROMO TIME – ELO. They’re looking pretty cocky as the male part beat DX and Lita won the women’s title last night. Edge reitterates that there’s a new era on RAW as of…now. He says all DX are is lame jokes for 8 year olds and shilling merch. They won’t be here tonight because they lost last night? Edge rolls VT on last night’s win. That’s it, show everything for free so everyone feels screwed for buying the PPV. Orton says it’s DX’s first loss ever and blames the fans who voted for Eric Bischoff. He brings Bischoff out here. He thanks the fans for voting for him and also points out DX lost because of the fans. He thanks Edge and Orton for their performance. He also thanks Vince McMahon who understands his “controversy creates cash” motto. Bischoff says that Vince has rewarded him for his money making skills by making him GM of RAW again. Bischoff starts laying the law down by giving John Cena the night off. DX are banned from the building. He books Johnny Nitro in a match with Jeff Hardy for the IC title. BUT he’s interupted by Ric Flair & Roddy Piper, the tag champs. Flair reminds Bischoff about how he beat him up in WCW. Edge starts talking about his talk show, which Piper says is a “Piper rip off”. Orton can’t even rip off his old man right. Piper addresses Bischoff saying he was born to controversy. Bischoff books himself a main event: Flair/Piper v Edge/Orton for the tag titles, no DQ.

RINGSIDE – Ohio State’s football team

SHILL – The Marine. Cena has been on the chat show circuit. He’s done Howard Stern, Regis, BET, Conan. He says he’s having a blast but owes everything to the WWE fans.

IC title – Jeff Hardy (c) v Johnny Nitro w/Melina Perez

JR refers to Bischoff as “acting GM” so it seems this would be a one night shot. Hardy kicks Nitro outside and hits a pescado. Nitro begs off and drags Hardy into the buckles. Melina interferes and slaps Jeff about. Ref chastises her and she goes all meek. Hardy with a hairbreaker. Melina trips him up and the ref calls for a DQ.

Winner: Jeff Hardy wins on DQ after interference…wait

Eric Bischoff comes out here and restarts it with no DQ. Ad break! We return with Nitro in charge but Hardy hits a jawbreaker. He misses in the corner allowing Nitro to hit a springboard kick for 2. Nitro throws some punches for 2. Double crossbody leaves both guys down. Hardy up first with some clotheslines. Mule Kick gets 2. Gourdbuster gets 2. Nitro blocks the Twist of Fate but Hardy runs the buckles for Whisper in the Wind for 2. Melina jumps in there but it’s no DQ so it’s ok. Hardy dumps her like a bad habit and goes up top. But he’s taken his eye off Nitro who crotches him and belt shots him for the title.

Winner: Johnny Nitro via belt shot at around 9 minutes

BACKSTAGE Eric Bischoff says he can do anything he likes saying he’s totally in control. He books Spirit Squad v Eugene/Duggan. Whoever loses has to split up forever. Coach calls all this genius. In comes Maria who Bischoff remembers from his trial. He accuses her of using her ditzy act to get things so books her against Umaga tonight as punishment. If she doesn’t, she’s fired. Hardly seems fair but she shouldn’t have kicked Eric when he was down. Ross & Lawler aren’t impressed with Bischoff’s booking.

PROMO TIME – Kevin Federline. He says everyone enjoyed what he did to John Cena like they enjoy his CD’s. He challenges Cena to a match in Miami on New Years Day on RAW. Federline suggests that Cena won’t be able to see him.

Spirit Squad v Eugene/Jim Duggan

So the losing team has to split up. Johnny & Kenny are the Squad tonight, which is interesting given their problems. Eugene & Duggan have had their own problems with Eugene being somewhat stranger than usual lately. Kenny orders Johnny out of the ring so he can put a beating on Eugene. Back elbow scores for 2 and in comes Johnny. He walks into the Rock Bottom. Eugene gets the hot tag, already and Duggan cleans house. Lots of punches and the double noggin knocker. Ncky interferes preventing the Three Point Stance and Johnny rolls Duggan up using the tights for the win.

Winners: Spirit Squad with Johnny pinning Duggan with a handful of tights at around 2 minutes

POST MATCH Eugene is pissed off at Duggan for being such a loser and he wails on him. 2X4 ATTACK ON DUGGAN! Eugene has lost it.

HISTORY – Flair & Piper. They talk about differences and they got on really well outside the ring. That was brief.

Maria v Umaga w/Armando Alejandro Estrada

Coach has to drag Maria out here. Then he shoves her into Umaga. She bounces off and she’s about to cry. Umaga pulls her back up into the Samoan Drop. I notice he held onto her ass for a very long time before hitting that. Crowd boos. Maria is motionless so Umaga dumps her in the corner for the butt avalanche. Barely made contact for anyone concerned for Maria’s safety. Estrada calls for the finish but John Cena runs out here for the save. Umaga gets shoulder blocked out of the ring but Estrada stops him going back in.

POST MATCH Todd Grisham asks Cena what he’s doing here after Bischoff gave him the night off. He’s trying to make sense of all this. Bischoff was in a dumpster fired, now he’s GM again for a day. Federline sneaks past our “crack security staff” (heh) attacks him at the PPV and challenges him to a match. And now Umaga is beating up divas. Grisham is in the ring instead of backstage. Cena starts with Grisham who obviously wants a fight. FU FOR GRISHAM! He tells Bischoff to back off. He tells Umaga to try and beat the hell out of him next time instead of a diva. And K-Fed can “take that 300 million you stole from Britney when you married her” buy an army because otherwise he won’t get out of Miami alive. He accepts. This is a moment of clarity. Like only reading the 411 Live RAW Report on 411wrestling.com with me, your host, Arnold Furious. Meanwhile Cena finishes with “If you want some, come get some”.

BACKSTAGE Bischoff gets touchy about Cena being a speedbump on his highway. He likes Eugene’s reaction earlier. No DX in sight. Lita is there to offer to defend her title against Mickie James tonight. Lita has some controversy for Bischoff but we can’t hear it yet. Bischoff makes himself the referee for tonight’s main event because he did so well last night.

ELSEWHERE Carlito & Torrie get interupted by Shelton Benjamin. Shelton says the fans wasted their vote on Carlito last night because he lost. Tonight Shelton is going to slap him around the ring. He says he didn’t win the vote because he’s black. He blames the fans for being racist. Carlito points out he’s Puerto Rican and everyone voted for him. He calls Shelton a whiny, snivelling pendejo. Shelton doesn’t know what it means but he isn’t going to take it. Apparently little black kids in Yugoslavia listen to his theme song as a lullaby. Suddenly he’s aware of a presence over his shoulder. It’s Ron Simmons for his weekly DAMN.

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – November 7th 1985. Post Mania the WWF put on the Wrestling Classic. Their first PPV. The WWE pats themselves on the back by talking about their PPV success since this first one.

RINGSIDE – Cindy Margolis.

Chris Masters v ?

Bischoff makes a last second decision about Masters’ opponent…Jim Ross. Jerry Lawler answers the call instead. He wants a match against Eric Bischoff right here, right now. Bischoff tells Lawler to wrestle Masters instead. Lawler is up for that. Bischoff tells us that Lawler has to handcuff one hand to the top rope or he’s fired. Coach shows up to administer the handcuffing. Lawler lays Coach out and lets the ref handcuff him instead. Masters just puts a beating on Lawler who can barely even move thanks to the ropes. Lawler kicks at him but gets beaten down. Masters rips Lawler’s shirt off. The handcuffs are off at Masters request so he can slap on the Masterlock. Obviously it’s over.

Winner: Chris Masters via Masterlock

Lawler is hurt so he’s off commentary. Cryme Tyme replace him.

Shelton Benjamin v Carlito

Cryme Tyme like Shelton and shout support for him but he looks somewhat confused. “We know what you sayin’ son” – Shad. Shelton jumps Carlito at ringside and clotheslines him. Back inside for the powerslam. I’m not even getting one word in twenty off Cryme Tyme here. And those are “man” and “son” every once in a while. Although I’m cracking up and them reacting to everything. Carlito with a springboard back elbow for 2. Flapjack (OOOOOOH) gets 2. Shelton moves out of the way of the springboard senton and gets a boot in the face. Cryme Tyme are off after Shelton’s bling. Shelton looks somewhat concerned for his property allowing him to be caught in the Backcracker for the pin.

Winner: Carlito via Backcracker

Women’s title – Lita (c) v Mickie James

This is a re-match from last night. Coach joins JR on commentary. Lita lets us know what this match is all about. Mickie has to have one hand tied behind her back. Coach calls tonight’s show “can’t miss television”. Lita easily takes over and hits the Russian legsweep but she doesn’t want to finish up this quickly. Mickie is still down but she dodges the moonsault. Mickie kicks her while she’s down. Lita drags her into the buckles though and spikes her with that pendulum DDT for the pin.

Winner: Lita with a DDT

POST MATCH Lita gets the mic to point out she won the match. Then she introduces Eric Bischoff, tonight’s guest referee.

Tag titles – Ric Flair/Roddy Piper (c) v Edge/Randy Orton

Bischoff is the ref but it’s no DQ anyway. Piper keeps his shirt on tonight, thankfully. Flair starts with Edge and chops him. Backdrop from the Rated R Superstar though. Bischoff’s first count is rather swift. Flair tags out quickly and Piper wails away at Edge and biels him. Bischoff is deliberately slow counting for Piper who chases him. Sleeper! Bischoff thinks it’s a choke and breaks it. Orton uses a chair to break it himself, which is fine because this is no DQ. Piper gets a beating and is officially isolated. Edge clubs away for a quick two count. Piper swats at Bischoff. Chinlock from Orton and Bischoff tries to force Piper’s arm down on the three arm drop thing. Piper falls out of the ring and Bischoff goes to count him out quickly. Edge has other ideas and goes for a chair shot. Piper ducks and bashes Edge’s head off the post. Flair gets the tag and chops away at Orton. Edge runs in but gets punched. Flair with a double low blow, which is legal. FIGURE FOUR leads to Bischoff being bumped. Edge hits a spear. Bischoff is lying down for no reason. Chad Patton runs in to count 2. Piper posts Edge’s groin. Orton stalks Flair but in comes DX. Shawn superkicks Orton and HHH dumps Flair on top for the 3 count.

Winners: Flair/Piper thanks to DX interference

POST MATCH DX have Bischoff on his own. Edge ran away through the crowd. PEDIGREE! HHH has three words for Eric Bischoff – “Big Dick Johnson”. So out comes the WWE’s own male stripper. He jiggles his bits in Bischoff’s face. He has DX sprayed on his ass and Bischoff gets a stinkface. HHH throws Eric out and Big Dick joins in the crotch chopping for the pyro.

That’s it for RAW this week. I’ll see you all in seven.