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It’s a night of Legends…and The Bella Twins! Hopin the fluff is kept to a mi—what was that now? An hour without commercials?

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Ugh. And I drank all this water…

On January 17, Jay Briscoe passed away, and although I’ll readily admit to having only JUST seen the bad-assery that they possessed the past year or so, I find no better way to honor Jay by officially renaming anything I deem a BANGER to a full-fledged, star-studded, Meltzer-melting BRISCOE!!!!

Myself and the readers have been looking for another word for Banger, namely as an opposition to overusage. Briscoes are undoubtedly two of the guys who would have amazing match after amazing match. While I can’t wear an armband daily, and y’all couldn’t see me even if I could, consider this a nod of respect to his talent and a way to remind people as often as possible to not forget the great work he’s left behind.

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It’s Monday…you know what that means.

The show starts and IMMEDIATELY, we hear the strums of an electric guitar, welcoming “The Real American.” Jimmy Hart is out first, but Hulk Hogan follows right after and gets announced. He wants to tell us something, brothers. He brings up RAW starting, and week after week it got bigger and better just like…well, we dunno cuz his mic is fuckin up! Tonight, they celebrate 30 years!

A stagehand comes out with a new mic, lol. He wants to know what we’re going to do when Hulkamania and The Eagles run wild on you.

If the mics are gonna go out on anyone…might as well be Hogan.

A video package for Monday Night Raw, the show.

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After all the pageantry, the sick sick beat of The Bloodline’ music hits and out they come.

A table is set up in the ring with three chairs on one side, and a single chair on the other. Sami Zayn gets a loud chant. Roman Reigns asks for acknowledgement then moves his seat to the head of the table. Paul Heyman on the mic and says he noticed a chant for ECW that is very near and dear to him. This elicits a louder version. He then tells Roman directly that ECW is dead, and he wish the same for Sami Zayn.

Heyman says Sami has been conspiring with Kevin Owens since Day One (Not the PPV). He has been making The Bloodline feel like the fans of the Eagles, and Sami will feel like The Eagles after Brock fucks them up. He says this is an open and shut case. He has exhibits all the way to P, but he can stop with four pieces of footage that demonstrate Sami is guilty as charfed.

We go to August 12, 2022 when Drew attacked The Usos while Sami makes his escape.

Exhibit B is August 29, 2022 where Sami opts to NOT strike Kevin Owens with a chair, allowing him to hit a Stunner on Jey Uso.

Exhibit C is Sami sitting atop the cage of Wargames by himself with his hand in the air. He even holds out “4 Life.”

We head to December 23, 2022 when Sami cuts in front of Roman to scream that they are The Bloodline.

Heyman wonders if maybe Sami wants to kill his father, castrate his sons? That was an assassination attempt to become head of the table. It was blatant. Prosecution rests.

Whole lotta exhibits.

Sami stands, says he had a whole defense lined up, laid out in his head, but the one thing he didn’t count on was how he’d feel when he came out. Listening to Heyman, after all the hugs and given him lovely nicknames…that shit hurts. Hurts so bad. Watching Heyman carefully craft this video, how could he think this? It hurts. After everything that has gone on, the fact that Heyman doesn’t see it. The people see it. They’ve seen it all, but the fact that they’d sit here and put him on trial to defend himself? It hurts. So basically, his defense is that he has no defense.

Sami drops the mic and takes his seat.

Roman looks upset, confused even. He’d like to get something straight – Sami has no defense? He’s got so much ego he wont even fight for this? So much that he cant even argue for this? He let Sami into his family, and this is the respect? Enough!

Roman Reigns: “SOLO!!”

Solo heads over to Sami, holds thr thumb up high, looks to swing….

BUT JEY USO HOLDS HIM BACK!!!

Jey says no disrespect, but Jey has his own footage.

A clip from June 3, 2022 where The Usos win over Riddle due to Sami’s production truck ploy.

August 19, Drew has Roman hurting in the middle of the ring, but Sami enters and takes the Claymore to the face for Reigns.

September 9, Drew looks to smack Solo across the back, but Sami takes the hit.

December 9, Sami stops Sheamus from getting involved in a match and keeping The Usos reigns alive.

November 26, at Wargames, Sami stops the ref from counting the three and even gives Kevin a Low Blow and a Helluva Kick before handing Jey Uso the win.

Jey tells Reigns it’s right there on tape for the world to see. Sami has taken so many bullets for the whole Bloodline. He calls Sami basically bullet proof. Everyone knows Jey despised Sami, but Sami saw the good in him the whole time and never gave up. That’s what family do.

JEy Uso: “Ey Sami Zayn, I love you like a brother, Uce. 100.”

He asks for crowd participation, and crowd wants Sami to stay in.

Both Usos stand, but Reigns stays seated while Solo stares on.

SAMI USO chant!

Reigns stands and tells Sami he finds him NOT GUILTY for now. He wants Sami to thank Jey because he bought Sami more time. In the mean time, finish out tonight nd make The Bloodline proud, then he doesn’t wanna see Sami again until The Royal Rumble. Go home, and he will see Sami at the Rumble, and that is where Sami will deliver his final test. Then, we’ll see if Sami really is The Bloodline or not.

Reigns leaves t he ring while The Usos stay in the ring to hug Sami and lei him up.

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The Judgment Day are out next.

They are getting their shot at the RAW Tag Team Championship now.

RAW Tag Team Championship
The Usos vs Judgment Day (Dominik Mysterio and Damien Priest)

Priest and Jimmy to start. Jimmy sends Priest out with ease. Priest stands on the apron, Jimmy kicks him in the face. Jimmy bout to fly, but Priest hops off the apron. Dom hops down as Jimmy leaves the ring. Dom talks shit, so Jimmy shoves him into a big Pounce from Priest. He sends Jimmy into the ring and tags in Dom. He beats down on Jimmy a bit then tags in Dom. Dom locks the head, whips to the ropes, Priest with a back elbow. Cover for 1…NO!!! Priest holds the wrists and pulls back on the arms, with a knee to the back. Priest lifts Jimmy, then clubs the back off the ropes. Priest shoves Jimmy, Jimmy turns. CLOTHESLINE TO THE FACE!! Tag to Jey! Tag to Dom! Clothesline! Another. Kick to the chin. Dom misses a right, SAMOAN DROP! HIP ATTACK FROM JEY! Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Dom with a right, Jey kicks, Dom catches, spins, Enziguri from Jey! Tag to Priest and he high kicks Jey. Jimmy gets a tag. GOOLE TO JEY!!! Tries for a chokeslam ,but Jey lands on his feet, both Usos grab Priest with a chokeslam! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! Jimmy to the top rope! Dom distracts, Jimmy hits a right, Priest with a right to Jimmy on the apron. Jey enters the ring, nad Priest hits HIM with a hard right! Another to Jimmy! He splashes with back elbows to both Usos then hits a Broken Arrow on Jey! Priest hits the ropes, and Jimmy is there to hit a Superkick! Priest hits his own! He hits the ropes and front flips over the top rope onto both Usos!!!

Priest grabs Jimmy, hits the ropes, huge clothesline. He covers! 1..2..NO!!!! Priest with a back elbow to Jimmy! Spinning kick to Jey on the apron! Dom to the top rope! There was a tag! Dom sits Jimmy up. DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Cover from Dom! 1…2….NO!!!! Rhea yells at the ref while Dom tags in Priest. Priest locks the head, flips Jimmy up, Jimmy lands on his feet. Jey gets a tag. Superkick to Dom!!! Another pair to Priest! Off the ropes! A THIRD TO PRIEST FROM BOTH USOS! Cover for 1..2….NO!!! Priest is laid out mid ring. Finn grabs Dom and rolls him in, ref checks on Dom, Finn crotches Jimmy on the apron! Ref turns just in time to see, and tells Finn He’s OUTTA HERE!!! Finn removes his jacket and gets pissed but more refs come down to escort him backstage.

Jey flies wit a frog splash, but Priest has the knees up! Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! SUPERKICK FROM JEY!!! Tag to Jimmy! Cover for 1…..2…….NO!!!! Jimmy is alone in the ring. He hits the ropes. Dives. RIGHT INTO PRIEST!! Jimmy tries to send Priest into the ring, but his leg is hurt. Sami and Jey go to check on him! Ref holds up the X. Jey checks on Jimmy, and so does Sami. Two dudes come down to help Jimmy up and to the. Back. Jey and Sami continue to check on him until

Adam Pearce comes down to verify if he’s hurt. If Jimmy cannot continue, then they forfeit the match and the titles.

Sami Zayn says maybe there is a solution. We got one Uso down. Jimmy Uso is hurt, Sami Uso isn’t.

Pearce says he did it for Judgment Day, he’ll do it for RAW XXX. It continues….now!

Sami and Jey enter while Dom and Priest await them. They go back and forth with rights! Sami sends Dom out, Jey and Priest en up outside. Priest enters, Sami sends him right back out, and Sami hits the ropes! He dives over the top onto Priest and Dom! Sami sends Dom into the ring! He looks to cover, Priest grabs the boot, Dom rolls Sami up!!!! HE USES THE ROPES! 1…..2….NO!!!! Dom with a barrage of rights! He swings, EXPLODER FROM SAMI INTO THE BUCKLE!!! He wants the kick, but Rhea is on the apron! Priest entrers the ring. SOUTH OF HEAVEN FROM PRIEST!!! Dom covers! 1…2…….NO!!!! Sami up, Dom sends him into the ropes, Jey in. SUPERKICK TO DOM! Kick to Priest! He goes to hit Rhea with one and realizes it’s her! He stops, Rhea goads him into a circle, Dom from behind, dropkicks Jey into the ropes. 619!!!! FROG SPLASH! COVER! 1….2……NO!!! SAMI SAVES THE TITLES!!! Priest in! Right hand! He run , Sami moves, Priest hits the post! Dome sends Sami over the top rope! He swings to Jey, Jey gets him on the shoulders, Dom slinks down.

Tag from Sami. Superkick to Dom! Jey sends Dom into the ropes! 1D!!!!!!!!!! Cover for 1….2……3!!!!!

Winners: The Usos
Holy cow what a rollercoaster of emotions!
Total Rating: ****
Match Time: 14:05

In the back, Roman says Sami made it right, but he still doesn’t want to see him till Saturday!

Further backstage, JBL and Baron Corbin walk up to…The Godfather!!!

He wants to know who the stooge is. He has a list for the poker game, and Baron ain’t on it. JBL asks to speak to the owner. Godfather knocks on the stand-alone door, and out comes Farooq!!! He also calls Corbin a stooge lol. JBL is hoping they can check the list again, see if there’s something they can do. Corbin hands out some money, and Farooq says they can work something out. There that gosh darned name is.

They walk through, and walk into Farooq’s fine establishment where multiple games are going on with various wrestlers.

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We come back to LA Knight in the middle of the ring! He is tired of the spooky shit. Bray is living on past glory, and with all the legends living on past glory, if any of them have enough tingle in their loins, come on down and give him a preview of his match at the Rumble.

Nobody answers his call for a bit until…

THE GONG!

It segues into American Badass.

Here he comes!

Taker circles the ring, LA Knight leaves, and tells Taker from the outside that before we take this anywhere, he agrees with Taker with. The lockerroom becoming soft, and the top of that list is Bray Wyatt, but he sure don’t fall under that umbrella. He enjoys this opportunity tho. Think of the irony of the headline: “LA Knight sends The Undertaker to the undertaker.” Knight wants to give Taker a pass. He will let Taker live to enjoy retirement and family, but don’t forget to watch the Pitch Black at the Rumble.

Lights go out completely, though. WE get a spotlight on Knight, and he waits. A piano note hits, another. The lantern pops up, it’s Bray Wyatt, and he’s behind Knight! Bray walks down the ramp to the tune of his music, and now LA is stuck between Taker in the ring and Bray walking down the ramp.

Knight enters the ring. Turns. GOOZLE!!!!!!

Taker gets him down to a knee. Bray stands on the apron. Taker stares him down. Bray enters the ring. Taker sends Knight into Bray…SISTER ABIGAIL!

Bray slinks away, looking directly at Taker.

Taker stares back, walks up to Bray and whispers something in his ear, then leaves.

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Backstage, Alpha Academy are playing a hand of poker with DDP and Alundra Blaze. Gable folds, claiming it’s the best move always. Blaze has a Full House but DDP has a straight flush.

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The Cage’s music hits, and he gets his own cute lil entrance as per usual.

Bayley makes her entrance, then we go to commercial.

Becky Lynch makes her entrance, but before she enters te cage, Dakota Kai and Iyo Sky attack!!! Iyo has a chain! Bayley comes out to bark orders. Huge swing to Becky. Damage Control enter the ring, and Kai locks the cage with a lock. Iyo and Bayley double team Becky. Becky mounts and drops right hands.

Adam Pearce, the worst official ever, comes down screaming for them to stop. Lol. He shakes the cage while Bayley and Kai assist Iyo with a moonsault. They then hit becky with triple team neckbreaker.

Damage Control climb the cage and sit atop it together while refs and Pearce check on Lynch.

Bayley takes this time to shill her new t-shirt with some thumbs down.

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D-Generation X is here!

X-Pac, Road Dogg, Triple H, HBK, and…

Um….

Kurt Angle?

Lol.

Road Dogg does his thing, introducing himself and stops at Angle, who is very obviously not Billy Gunn.

Kurt: “I always wanted to be in DX.”

He removes his shirt to show a DX shirt.

HBK says there is a test he must pass. Triple H asks Angle if he is ready. Angle wonders if this is the test. Lol.

Tripel H then turns tho the crowd to ask. They all line up. Road Dogg checks to make sure Angle is in position.

Triple H is about to ready us to suck it…but Imperium’s music hits!!!

Walter is here with Kaiser and Vinci, and they make their way down the ramp.

Ludwig Kaiser:“Shame on you for all that filth and nonsense.” Lol.

Gunther calls them degenerates, why are they celebrating themselves? Why are they making a mockery of this great sport. They are here to restore the honor of this and kick them out of his ring, unless anyone wants to do something about it.

Triple H stands front and center, going nose to nose with Gunther.

Triple H: “Im retired, dude…”

HBK turns to his side as the crowd chants. He says he is too old. He’s not doin it.

X-Pac says he has a bad case of shin splints, otherwise he would.

Road Dogg ain’t down. Triple H calls him Butterbean. DX huddles, minus Angle. They all turn towards him, then back into the huddle.

Triple H offers over Angle. He says no, no he won’t. Triple H calls this a bit of a jam. He wish there was someone that would be willing to come out and wanna fight…

SETH FREAKIN ROLLINS is game!

Methinks The Street Profits will also want the smoke.

HBK attempts to sing along, horribly, and Pac says there is only one of them and three of Imperium. If only there was a team to help even the score…

Of course there is…

Triple H: “This bookin stuff isn’t easy, ya know. It’s not like you can just book things on the fly and everybody knows what you want.”

He wishes there was someone that could come out and make sense of this situation.

ITS TEDDY LONG PLAYA!!!!

He’s got a soul patch of gray and the perfect idea for all of this! Imperium, tonight, he will face The Street Profits and Seth Rollins in a six man tag team match, playa!

HBK says we will need someone to keep this chaos in control. They huddle again, shoving Kurt away. But he has an idea. They huddle. Kurt has ANOTHER SHIRT UNDERNEATH! It’s a ref shirt. Triple H, ever the idea man, says this is official.

Well we took quite some time to get there but so far, so good.

Seth Rollins and The Street Profits vs Imperium

Jerry Lawler at the booth for this one.

Seth and Vinci to start. LOCKUP! Side headlock from Vinci, Seth drops down to his knees. They hit the ropes. Vinci hops over, leap frog from Seth, kick to the gut, kick to the face, rolling clothesline. He waves to Gunther. Seth wotrks the left arm, tags in Ford. Ford drops an elbow to the left arm. Vinci kicks the mid-section and hits a vicous chop to the chest. Whip and Ford reverses, then hits a dropkick. Cover for 1..2…NO!!! Chop from Ford, whip to the corner, Ford kicks out, but Vinci catches and hits a clothesline! Tag to Kaiser. Right to the gut then the back. Kick and elbow combo. Kicks in the corner. Kaiser picks up Ford, Ford chops, another, another, an other. Tag to Dawkins. Shoulder tackle drops Kaiser, then Dawkins flips Ford into a cover for 1..2..NO!!!! Kaiser kicks in the corner, right, locks the head, Dawkisn spins out, hits a right hand, and falls along side him. Tag to Gunther. Dawkins rolls out of the ring after tagging in Seth. But Seth decides to hop into the ring.

Seth and Gunther go face to face. Gunther kicks, right hand. Snapmare. Gunther sends Seth onto the apron, Seth fires back with a headbutt. Springboard, but Gunther with a huge cohp! He hits. Body slam to Seth!

Back to Ford getting the uppehand until unrther cheats and Angle gets in his face. Angle shove Gunther, and Seth sends Gunther ot the outside. Dawkins flies out of the ring, then Ford! Seth calls for his song, hits the ropes, but Gunther in with a chop!!! HUGE DROPKICK to Rollins! He lifts up for a powerbomb! Hits it! Stacks up for a 1…..NO!!!! Rollins sends Gunther into the ring. ANGLE SLAM FROM SETH!!! Lol. Angle is happy bout it. Tag to Ford. Tag to GVinci. Huge clothesline. Locks the head, Kaiser up top. Seth enters the ring, walks up the corner, Ford hits a back body drop. SUPERPLEX FROM SETH! Holds on, rolls through, onto Dawkins shoulders, HUGE Blockbuster from Ford!!! Gunther in! Seth With a Pedigree! Gunther rolls to the outside!

Dawkins with aspinebuster to Vinci! Ford with a frogsplash! Seth enters! STOMP TO VINCI!!!! Cover! 1….2…3!!!

Winners: The Street Profits and Seth Rollins
Nothing to wild to write home about here, but nice to see everyone involved and not buried.
Total Rating: **1/2
Match Time: 12:11

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Backstage, Ted Dibiase loses to Corbin, and we see Corbin alone at the table with a stack full of cash. BUT….

THE IRS IS HERE!!! HE tells Corbin not to forget to pay his taxes, and takes away all of his money except for a hundred dollar bill, leaving DiBiase to laugh and hit his catchphrase.

Ron Simmons: “DAMN!”

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Cathy is backstage with Bobby Lashley, who says tonight is NO DQ because he’s tired of all the excuses. He would still be champion if it weren’t for Brock Lesnar. He is done with Lesnar and done with the suspension, so he has only one thing on his mind.

In comes MVP who says he has no doubt Bobby will do all he said he was going to do. He will take back the title, then after that, they can pop some bottles and make new friends.

Lashley says he didn’t need MVP’s help or Omos either. He doesn’t need MVP’s help to win the title back either, so let him handle his own business tonight.

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Ric Flair is here to thank us. He says we keep the lights on, and keep him stylin and profilin. Diamonds are forever, and so is RAW. He drones on a bit before introducing his daughter.

Charlotte Flair is here to tell us RAW is where she went from a Diva to a Champion. She name drops some people and says it’s because of them, she is able to call herself the most decorated athlete of all time. She says she is the Smackdown Champion, yes, but RAW will always be her home.

Bianca Belair is here to stop all that noise. She tells Flair she respects everything she has done. Yes, Queen, do what you do…

BUT JUST NOT HERE.

Bianca Belair: “I go here now.” Hahahaha.

She does all she can to make sure RAW is the greatest show on television.

Sonya Deville enters the chat before Charlotte can retort. She is so sorry to break this up, but do you realize what an historic night tonight is? And they’re just out here talking about themselves…even though Charlotte named a bunch of others.

She brings up herself, someone who doesn’t get the spotlight they deserve. She used to run this show. Where are her flowers?

Charlotte tells Bianca this is her show, how bout she handle… “this.”

Bianca says her pleasure. If she wants the spotlight, she can be the center of Bianca’s attention.

Sonya Deville vs Bianca Belair

Sonya shoots forward, and Bianca side steps. Sonya with a go behind, Bianca reverses and drops that ass. Back elbow from Sonya. Side headlock. Rope work and Bianca shoves Sonya down hard. Bianca sends Sonya into the corner, shoulder into the onrer. Whip to the corner. Bianca lifts for a body slam, Bianca drops to her feet and pulls the hair from behind. Sonya to the corner, tells Charlotte this will be her. Corenrs Bianca, right hand to the gut, another, snapmare. She hits the ropes, Belair dodges, rollup for 1….NO!!! Kick out the corner. Bianca to the top rope, flips over Sonya, backbreaker to Sonya. Springboard moonsault to Sonya! Cover for 1…2…NO!!! Bianca sends Sonya to the outside. She hops to the apron, Bianca dropkicks her off the apron! Bianca to the apron, kicks Sonya away, hops over Sonya, Sonya kicks the leg and Bianca INTO the barricade.

We back and Bianca has Sonya upside down in the air. Delayed suplex is followed by a moonsault, but Sonya has the knees up. Kick from Sonya. Cover for 1…2..NO!! Another cover for 1….NO!!!

Sonya tries for a Figure Four, but Bianca blocks, spins, torture rack, KOD!!!! Cover for 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Bianca Belair
Lord, that was disjointed. Sonya gotta tighten up a bit and be there more for her opponent, because she was lead to an easy get and struggled.
Total Rating: *
Match Time: 8:58

Bliss says, for the last time, she is Bianca’s only obstacle, and if everyone would just leave her alone, maybe she would be ok. She doesn’t need anyone to tear Bianca’s face with her bare hands. She’ll spare Bianca’s eyes so she can see Bliss walk out the Rumble with the title.

This promo was made all while Bliss is staring in a mirror, which I assume is them trying to be deep.

Cody Rhodes video package.

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The Miz is here to complain about MizTV not being on the anniversary show. Where is his championship match? Where is his montage of moments? He is the first ever Grand Slam champ!

The crowd goes wild for something, obviously not Miz, and Miz takes the cheers.

It’s Kevin Owens! He enters the ring from behind, KICK! WHAM! STUNNER!

Owens stands in the center of the ring, not a single smirk given. He tells Roman may have said Sami is not guilty, but Roman is guilty of having held the title hostage for over two years, and on Saturday Night at the Royal Rumble, he gives us and Roman all his word that he will do everything he can to change that and give us all a champion we can be proud of. He also guarantees he will keep fighting until he hs nothing left. He will take the title or die trying.

Miz gets up and…

KICK! WHAM! STUNNER! Again!

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United States Championship No Disqualification Match
Austin Theory vs Bobby Lashley

Lashley starts off with the power, lifting and slamming Theory down hard then tossing him outside. Lashley sends Theory into the barricade on the outside.

We come back from break and Lashley is still taking his time murdering Theory. Theory finally gets a move in that gets a 2 count. He pummels the face a few times as we see a replay of Theory raking the eyes of Lashley while in a suplex position. Theory leaves the ring to grab a chair. He heads back in and smacks Lashley across the back. Theory sets the chair up in the corner. Lashley hits the ropes, sends Theory flying off the apron. Theory takes this as a opportunity to grab a table. He sends it into the ring. Lashley grabs Theory and tries for The Hurt Lock! Theory rushes to the corner. Bobby rolls him up! 1..2..NO!!! Lashley up. PAY DIRT! He sends Theory into the chair in the corner! Lashley sets the table up. Lashley leaves the ring to grab Theory, but he has a fire extinguisher and sprays Bobby across the face! Theory sends Lashley into the steps, and we go to break!~

Winner:

Total Rating:
Match Time: