The RAWtopsy 01.02.06

I’m all over the place this week. Check out my Top Ten Matches of 2005 right here in the wrestling section. Also, the Enlightenment brings you Wrestling Gold Vol. 3 and some classic territorial stuff. Over in the Movies section, you can check out my review of “American Gothic: The Complete Series,” which I think is one of the best unsung series of the 1990s.

WWE Raw — 1/2/06

Live from the Continental Airlines Arena.

Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler.

Mistah Mackman strolls out to start off our show. He’s not going to take any crap from anyone anymore. Hey, fuck you, Vince. I have tenure. From now on, Vince is only out for himself. He’s going to start booking Raw for his own personal enjoyment instead of going by what the fans want. See, it’s an inside joke because that’s what he’s been doing all along. Tee-hee. As an example of said personal enjoyment, Vince has booked…

Kane vs. Shawn Michaels.

Superkick means disqualification, according to Vince. Shawn gets caught on a crossbody but slips off Kane’s shoulder and chops him. Kane tosses him to the corner and pummels him as only Kane can. Well, Kane and every other big guy. Shawn gets two off a small package and two more off a sunset flip. Kane stays on top and chokes Shawn down in the corner. Shawn chops his way back and clotheslines Kane to the floor. Pescado! Vince distracts Shawn long enough for Kane to recover and clothesline him. We come back from commercial to Shawn holding a sleeper. Styles gets an inside joke with King, asking him what it would be like if they banned the piledriver. Of course, the piledriver was banned, King just waited until the ref’s back was turned or he got bumped. Kane tosses Shawn aside and drops a leg for two. They slug it out, and Shawn botches a counter of a chokeslam. Shawn with the flying forearm and kip-up. Shawn DDTs him in lieu of the superkick, but it only gets two. Kane gets a big boot, which is the best move that Vince has ever seen apparently. Shawn ducks a flying clothesline and drops the big elbow. He says to hell with it and starts tuning up the band, willing to take that disqualification. However, Vince gets on the mic and threatens to take Shawn out of the Elimination Chamber if he does it. Shawn argues long enough for Kane to recover and chokeslam him for the win. *3/4

The video promo for HHH vs. Big Show is very good as they specifically pull out the quote of Show saying that he can destroy someone with his own bare hands and then show HHH smashing his hand with the sledgehammer.

Todd Grisham comes out and gets some instructions from Vince McMahon, possibly to call Shawn a “retard” and then hang up on him although I can’t confirm that. According to WWE.com’s “Unlimited,” Todd tells Shawn that Vince made him the #1 entrant in the Elimination Chamber. Meh, big deal. He went through 29 to win the Rumble. Of course, that was in the Mantaur days.

But onto other stuff. Gregory Helms is very upset with Jerry Lawler for making fun of him on commentary during his Hurricane days. He comes out for some verbal sparring with the King. Did anyone else notice that Helms has conveniently adopted much of the style and mannerisms of Christian? Lawler says that Helms is “just a guy” without the gimmick. That’s pretty much the WWE mindset and probably a veiled dig at TNA’s X-Division. Helms slaps him, so Lawler knocks him out of the ring and challenges him to a match at New Year’s Revolution. Helms runs away from the 60 year-old man like a coward. Yeah, that’s definitely a Christian imitation.

Vince grills Mickey James on why she kissed Trish last week. Kurt Angle and Daivari bust in and complain about getting screwed last week. Vince says he doesn’t care; he just wants to see someone bleed. They get all “Dodgeball” on each other – “I’ll take my chances in the tournament.” “Yes, you will take your chances.” “That’s what I just said.” Mickey’s eventual response is cut off in favor of…

…showing the kiss again. Lawler is popping some wood, but the other guys think it’s creepy because Trish wasn’t into it. Or — maybe she is into it and just doesn’t want to admit it to herself.

Speaking of wood, a very sweaty Trish works out by running stairs. Todd intercepts her and asks how the kiss made her feel. Was it like a retard? Trish says it made her a little uncomfortable, but she’s going to go hit the showers. Hmm…Todd mentions a lesbian kiss and suddenly Trish has to go take a shower — possibly with one of those shower massagers?

Maria is hosting kiss-cam where they show people in the audience making out. God, they’re New Yorkers, don’t encourage them to breed. I kid the New Yorkers. The Plastics interrupt and blame Victoria’s neck injury on Maria not helping out. Vicky challenges her to a match.

Victoria (w/Torrie, Chloe & Candice) vs. Maria.

Victoria smacks her around for a bit. Torrie rubs Chloe’s ass in Maria’s face. Still gotta be cleaner than kissing C.M. Punk. Candice interferes too behind the ref’s back. But Vicky misses a Stinger Splash, and Maria gets the upset win with a schoolgirl rollup. The evil bitch crew jump Maria and strip her to her bra and panties, but Ashley Massaro makes the save. Double clothesline to Torrie & Candice. WHORE! WHORE! WHORE! to Victoria. They catch up with her too and DDT her (or Double DDDT her according to Coach). 1/4*

During the break, Vince comes out and makes the first ever “Bra & Panties Gauntlet Match” involving all the non-title match Divas.

Mickey apologizes to Trish by stealing her towel and complimenting her boobs. Trish, somehow, is even more offended. It’s probably a good thing she couldn’t read my mind then.

Edge and Lita come out to justify their treatment of Ric Flair. After all, everything Edge is saying is true. He even has the home video footage of the incident where Flair beat up some poor motorist and slapped the figure-four on him. Well, I think we’ve all wanted to do that at some point. It would have been funnier if I had not just seen the episode of Seinfeld where George chases down the guy he thought flipped him off. The real Ric Flair comes out and attacks Edge. Lita keeps him from applying the figure-four, so Edge scurries away while Flair applies it to Lita! That’s some good cowardly heelin’.

The Keib is going to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Hopefully, this leads to Randy Orton appearing on “But Can they Sing?”

Shelton Benjamin vs. Chris Masters.

Remember when these two were building a feud around Summerslam? Didn’t think so. Shelton gets two off a crucifix early. A reverse rollup gets two more, but Masters blocks a small package. He counters a backslide to a clothesline and peppers Shelton’s head with punches. Masters could really use some work on his punches. He stops to yell, “Who’s the man?” at the audience. Masters could really use some work on his trash talk. Shelton comes back with a flying forearm and the leg whip, but Masters’ foot is on the rope. Masters catches him in mid-air and counters to the Masterlock, but Shelton slips out before he can lock it in. Chinlock neck breaker gets two. Shelton gets an accidental glancing blow with a wild swing. Masters could really use some work on his timing. Masters ducks a second one and applies the Masterlock for the win at 4:00. Very sloppy, and the crowd was out of it. 3/4*

Ben Roethlisberger took in a WWE event this past week in preparation for his playoff game with the Cincinnati Bengals. Steve Cook mentioned that he’d trade sex with Tracy Brooks for a Bengal win this weekend. Is it a good trade? Well, it is for Tracy. I kid Steve Cook. He’s a good guy. Give him a round of applause.

Triple H comes out to talk about everything he does in the ring being planned to the smallest detail. They cue up the wrong footage, possibly to demonstrate the concept of irony. Yadda, yadda, yadda. He’s going to injure Big Show permanently at the PPV. Big Show interrupts wearing a cast that looks somewhat like Emeril’s chef hat. In fact, the cast is so big that Show can use it like his own personal sledgehammer. Seems like there was a “He-Man” character like that. Hunter runs away before he becomes a victim of the cast.

The Smackdown Rebound is Melina filing suit against Batista. Whether it distracts Batista or not is up to debate, but MNM is able to regain the tag titles with the help of Mark Henry.

I miss most of the next segment by accidentally tuning into “Barbershop.” Oh wait, it’s not “Barbershop.” Shelton Benjamin is moping in the locker room when his mama walks in. Damned if it’s not Judy Bagwell! Okay, it’s not, but it would be funny if it was. She chastises him for losing and threatens to whup him with the belt if he doesn’t get in the shower and wash away the stench of his own failure. On the plus side, you can pour delicious syrup out of the top of her head.

First Blood Match: John Cena vs. Kurt Angle (w/Daivari).

Big boos for Cena’s opening rap. He eventually wins most of them over, though, in spite of themselves. Angle interrupts and we’re on…right after a commercial break. Angle hits a series of Rolling Germans, and Daivari exposes the turnbuckle. The crowd is back to hating Cena, so all is right with the world. Kurt charges but gets backdropped to the floor in typical, insane Kurt fashion. Daivari hits Cena with Angle’s medals, trying to bust him open. Big “Let’s go Angle!” chant. Cena punches his way back to big boos. They tease the fact that Cena might be cut open, but it’s just that — a tease. Angle hits the Angleslam and gets a chair. Of course, it misses and Cena takes it away. Daivari jumps on Cena’s back to distract him long enough for Kurt to recover. The FU is countered to the Ankelock. Cena rolls through, tossing Angle into a weak ref bump on Chad Patton. Angle begs away from a chairshot, and Daivari gets involved again. Angle hits Cena with a chairshot, busting him open. The ref is out, though. Angle goes for the FU, but Cena counters to the STFU. Daivari revives the ref who sees Cena bleeding and calls for the bell. Chris Masters, Carlito, Kane and Shawn Michaels come down to join in a big brawl. Shawn finishes Kane off with a superkick, but Cena catches him with a desperate FU. All six men are left laying. **

Final Thoughts: Well, the card was rounded out with another Divas match and the Helms/Lawler contest. So, two more Divas matches basically. I don’t care much about the Elimination Chamber because everyone in it has been so poorly booked up to this point. On the other end of the spectrum, the HHH/Big Show match was been booked quite well, but it’s almost under the radar (something you don’t often say about HHH). I’m also kind of digging the Mickey/Trish feud too, and not just for the pr0n. Last year’s NYR looked good on paper and came off horribly. Hopefully, this year’s goes the opposite route and comes off better than it looks going in.

J.D. Dunn