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wrestling / TV Reports

The RAWtopsy 01.23.06

January 23, 2006 | Posted by J.D. Dunn

After you’re done with me, just leave a twenty on the night stand and go check out My first TNA Breakdown in nearly a year as well as everything else.

WWE Raw — 1/23/06

  • Live from Charlotte, NC.
  • Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman, and Jerry Lawler.

  • We open with a great, pretentious “trailer” for Edge’s match at the Royal Rumble. Of course, it’s no SNAKES ON A PLANE!
  • Edge and Lita lead us off as Lita clears the spooge out of her throat and introduces her man. He declares that he is not just some transitional champion like the Iron Sheik or Mick Foley, and he’s not going to lose the title 16x like Ric Flair. John Cena interrupts, naturally, and goes into a silly “Hollywood script” story about Edge and Lita involving the word “ho” about a dozen times and finishing with a funny payoff about Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
  • Stacy Kiebler is doing well in “Dancing With the Stars.” She says she had a hard time “being angry” for the tango. Yeah, we’ve seen her on Raw try to act hurt and angry. She just looks constipated…and no doubt that just turned some people on.

  • Kane vs. Carlito.

    Carlito gets mounted punches early, but Kane shoves him away and pummels him in the corner. Carlito blocks a charge and delivers a missile dropkick. Carlito gets some offense in before he pisses Kane off. Kane boots Carlito in the face and gets two off a leg drop. Carlito gets hit with the flying clothesline, but he counters the Tombstone to that chinlock backbreaker. LUCHALITO~! Emerges as he hits a springboard somersault senton. Joey actually calls it that. Hey! This isn’t a wrestling show! This is a drama. Stop calling wrestling moves. Carlito brings a chair in. It nearly backfires, but he WALLOPS Kane with a shot for the DQ. Kane sits up, and Carlito flees for the hills. 3/4*

  • Edge tells Lita to whore herself out to get him a partner…the Big Show. Lita: She’s like cheese you can have sex with outside.

  • Some Carolina Panthers are in the house. Well, it worked for Ben Roethlisberger.
  • Lita tries to convince Big Show to join Edge tonight with a little lap dance, but he’s a man of morals and doesn’t like what Edge did to Flair.
  • Elsewhere, Trish Stratus is stretching out when Mickie James comes in demanding to know why she picked Ashley over her. Mickie goes through all five stages of grief in ten seconds.

  • Back to the ring, Coach announces that he’s the final entrant to the Royal Rumble, but Jerry “dye job” Lawler objects and says they should settle it in a match. Somewhere, Val Venis weeps.
  • Trish Stratus & Ashley vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle (w/Torrie & Chloe)

    Ashley gets a nice springboard into a double ax-handle and drop toeholds Victoria. There was actually a majestral cradle in there too. Whoa. Trish tags in and gets a top rope huracanrana. Ashley and Trish do some doubleteaming, but Ashley tries another springboard, but Candice trips her up. “Vince’s Devils” team up for the Suicide Blondes’ old bodyscissors into a splash doubleteam spot. Ashley avoids the slingshot leg drop and tags Trish. Trish cleans house and hits Candice with the Stratusphere. Ashley comes off the top with a crossbody on Candice for the win at 4:05. Mickie runs down and attacks Ashley after the match. *

  • In the back, Mama Benjamin is straightening up the locker room. For God’s sake! Don’t touch peoples’ stuff! They’ll throw you out of the locker room. Shelton Benjamin whines to his mom about being called a “mama’s boy.” Hey, given some of the things I’ve heard about the clique and their views on race relations, he should be glad that that’s the least he called him.

  • Superstar Billy Graham is in the house to plug his DVD and book. I’ll get around to the DVD soon.
  • Shawn Michaels vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/Mama)

    Vince McMahon comes out and says that Shawn will be taken out of the Rumble if he loses. Shawn blocks a sunset flip for two, but Shelton finishes it for two of his own. Headlockery follows. Shawn pushes him to the corner, but Shelton scales the ropes and slips into a crossbody block for two. Shawn stops short on a leapfrog and sends him to the floor where Mama dabs something off his cheek with a Kleenex from her purse. Shelton springboards back in, but this time he catches Shawn’s superkick attempt and hits him with a spin kick. NICE! We come back from commercial to find Shawn hanging upside down near the ringpost, so I’ll guess he posted himself. Replay confirms it. Shelton gets two off a Samoan Drop. Shawn fires back but gets caught with an elbow and slumps to the canvas. Shelton sets him up on the top rope and slaps him. Shawn blocks the superplex and knocks Shelton to the mat. Shelton pops up and hits a MOTHERHUMPIN’ SPRINGBOARD ENZUIGIRI! Shawn falls off the top to the floor as we go to break. We come back from another commercial break to Shawn making the big comeback with the flying forearm and kip up. Atomic drop. Clothesline. Clothesline. Bodyslam. He goes up, but Shelton leaps to the top rope with him and superplexes him to the mat. A for effort. C for execution. Shelton gets a chinlock backbreaker and hits the spinning wheel kick. Shawn ducks a springboard move and clotheslines Shelton. FLYING ELBOW DROP! Shawn tunes up the band, but Mama gets on the ringsteps and distracts Shawn. Shelton sneaks in and rolls him up, but the ref is busy with Mama. Shawn rolls through with two handfuls of tights for the win at 19:55. Great match, horrible ending. ***3/4

  • Edge and Lita ask their second choice…Triple H to be Edge’s partner. He says he’ll think about it.
  • Vince comes into the locker room and congratulates Shawn for his luck. Shawn gets sick of him and tells him to do whatever he wants. Vince says he has more money than God and he’s going to spend it in order to make wrestling about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll. He offers Shawn a chance to go back to his youth and experience a little debauchery. Shawn’s all, “What would Jesus do?” and Jesus is like, “Dude! Take the hookers and blow! I didn’t and all I got was a bumpersticker shaped like a friggin’ fish and a chance to appear on somebody’s grilled cheese sandwich once a year.” Shawn turns Vince down anyway, and Vince promises revenge at the Rumble.

  • Royal Rumble Qualifier: Jonathon Coachman vs. Jerry Lawler.

    Coach gets a shoulderblock for two and gets the weakest crotch spot in the corner that you will ever see. Lawler takes over, but the Spirit Squad interrupts with a routine on the entrance ramp. They cheer Coach on, which distracts Lawler long enough for Coach to roll him up for the win. I don’t want to see anybody cheering until they hire Cheerleader Melissa. Now that I think about it, that wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Match was just an excuse to intro the SS and fill out the Rumble. 1/4*

  • Over-the-top 2nd Chance Match: Gregory Helms, Lance Cade & Rob Conway vs. The Big Show.

    Nothing match to put over the Show. They said that Coach and Lawler was to round out the Rumble and then they throw this out there to say that if any of the guys can throw Show out, they’ll get an entry. Think about that for a moment. Show easily tosses all three guys out. Triple H interrupts Show’s celebration and says he’s sick of making stars. Now he’s out for himself. HAHAHAHAHA!!! 1/4*

  • Edge’s mystery partner enters his locker room, but we don’t know who it is…yeah right.

  • Fucking whiny caveman, just order something, you douche.

  • Edge & Chris Masters vs. John Cena & Ric Flair

    Masters was about as obvious and underwhelming as you could get (okay, I thought Snitsky before the show started, but other than him…). Flair was also an easy call. This should be short, especially since they’re starting at 9:00 pm MST. Cena starts with Masters, but the crowd wants Flair. Cena hits a suplex and tags to Flair. Flair lays into Masters with chops. Masters comes back with a press slam and works the back. A powerslam gets two for Masters. Flair comes back, but Masters gives him another press slam. Edge misses something off the top. HOT TAG TO CENA! Back drop to Masters! He yanks Edge and gives him a flying shoulderblock. Protoplex to Masters! Lita saves Edge from an FU. Flair clips Masters’ leg as he’s going for the Masterlock, so Edge bails, leaving his partner behind. Cena locks in the STFU for the quick tap out at 6:18. Man, Masters does not like that hold. *1/2

    Final Thoughts: Pretty good stuff with one very good match sandwiched in between a lot of angle advancement. I won’t say “anyone” could win, but it’s certainly a more open field than most years. If the McMahon/HBK feud ends according to rumor, we could be in for a hell of a build to WM.

    J.D. Dunn

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