The RAWtopsy — 07.31.06

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Monday Night Raw
by J.D. Dunn

July 31, 2006

Live from East Rutherford, N.J..

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Vince and Shane McMahon come out to celebrate the birth of Aurora Rose McMahon-Helmsley, who, Vince notes, is far richer than anyone in the arena. In celebration, they will team up against DX! That brings out DX for some shenanigans. They offer a few Jewish prayers for Aurora, thus losing the Mel Gibson demographic. Apparently, Triple H somehow acquired the McMahon family scrapbook. Hey, those photos look manipulated somehow, like they took them to some sort of Shop where they alter Photos. Hunter also implies that Aurora Rose looks somewhat like him. When did he get Sonny Crockett’s hair? The two sides argue over whose music is going to play them out with DX winning and there’s your first segment. Someone should go through all the Triple H & Vince McMahon segments over the past four years and count how many are based on altering photos or prop comedy.

Intercontinental Title: Johnny Nitro (w/Melina) vs. Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin.
You have to admire WWE booking. These three have a triple threat at the PPV, Carlito beats Shelton in a #1 contender’s match, then Shelton beats Carlito in a #1 contender’s match so we’re back where we started. That way no one has to look bad and no one gets over! Johnny, btw, needs an identifiable entourage like Vinny Chase. Maybe then they could tell him to watch out for Carlito who hits a sliding dropkick. Shelton waits for them to get absorbed in a brawl and then hits a spiffy somersault plancha on both men. During a break, Carlito gets knocked out with a superkick. Johnny tries a standing SSP but misses. Shelton rolls up Nitro near the ropes, but Carlito springboards into a sunset flip on him. Shelton lands on his feet off a monkey flip, and then Nitro lands flat on his face off a monkey flip. Shelton nearly gets the win on Carlito, but Melina puts Carly’s foot on the ropes. Shelton stops to argue, allowing Nitro to knock Carlito into him and roll up Carlito with a handful of tights at 7:16. Eventually, they’re going to have to pick one of these guys to elevate over the other two. Don’t ask me who because they all have their attributes. **1/2

Randy “It was for medicinal purposes” Orton promises to kill the legend of Hulk Hogan. Then, it’s on to movies and books. Not sure which movie he’s going to go see, but I’m sure it will have puppets. In fact, Randall has an offer to produce his own reality show, so he brings out the faux cast of “Hogan Knows Best.” Hey, that’s a *really* good Hogan impersonator. It just looks like they left him in the dryer too long. Randy kisses “Fake Brooke” who actually looks better than the real thing, so I’m not sure why he didn’t just keep her. JR is deeply disturbed by Randy kissing someone who looks somewhat like Brooke. Orton takes a shot at Lawler, thus ensuring that Lawler helps Hogan win at Summerslam.

Armando Alejandro Estrada stops by to thank Vince for making the Umaga vs. Shawn Michaels match. Estrada offers Vince some illegal cigars. You know, they’re just substitutes for big black cocks.

Since we’re going to be in Memphis, Lawler challenges Orton to a match. Oh, just take your whuppin’, old man. That’s your penance for recycling old Rodney Dangerfield jokes.

Trish Stratus & Candice Michelle vs. Mickie James & Victoria
Torrie Wilson is your special referee. I’d like to tame her shrew. See, that’s what we call a “callback” to the Dangerfield line. Be sure to write this down. There may be a test later. Jim Ross makes lesbian jokes, saying this will be the most Tivoed match by Rosie O’Donnell and WNBA fans. JR, don’t be silly. Dykes don’t use Tivo. Hey, don’t blame me. He’s the one that brought it up. Why would he take that shot? BY GAWD, BEA ARTHUR IS AS MOIST AS AN ICE TEA GLASS ON AN AUGUST DAY! Candy actually does some wrestling, working over Vickie’s arm. Mickie dominates until Trish gets the hot tag and cleans house. Trish counters a rana to a powerbomb, but it only gets two. Mickie argues with Torrie, who is at least as good as a ref as Gene Kiniski. That allows Trish to hit a sloppy Stratusfaction for the win at 3:50. I like how they have absolutely no ambition with this division other than to get as much ass on basic cable as they can. 3/4*

Mick Foley steals Melina from Johnny Nitro to announce he will be taking on Ric Flair tonight…as a partner. Well, maybe not. HISTORIC MOMENT — Foley has changed his shirt. He mentions that he is friends with adult film star Christy Canyon. Oh yeah, well I’m MySpace friends with Molinee Green, Nicole Oring, Tiffany Shepis, Jezebelle Bond and Monique Parent. I’ve also got SoCal Val on there just in case the wrestling thing doesn’t work out for her. One day you’re hosting Global Impact, the next you’re on the couch with Evan Stone. Ric Flair interrupts to say he drank more than one glass of wine while writing his book (and, it seems, before the show). He compares Foley to Bruiser Brody, Stan Hansen and Terry Funk, saying Foley doesn’t match up. They start riffing on each other’s families, prompting Foley to bring up Flair’s absentee fatherism and arrest. Flair knocks him to the outside for that. Coach comes out and informs us that Vince authorized a Flair/Foley match for Summerslam. Foley no-sells it, saying he wrestles when and who he wants. See, *this* is what the new ECW should be — honesty times 1,000. I’m not entirely sure who to root for here. Foley is aligned with Melina but hates Vince and Coach, plus he has a virtuous view of women and family while Flair is an admitted son of a bitch. Good stuff here.

John Cena vs. Matt Striker.
Striker runs through the dictionary to prove that “homey” is not a word. Um, he forgot “homely” and “homily.” Edge and Lita (the queen of juganomics) replace King and Ross on commentary. Cena runs through Striker like Ex-lax through a widow woman and finishes with the FU/STFU combo at 1:07. Cena and Edge are set for a match at Summerslam where the DQ rule is waived so Edge can lose the title on a DQ. Usually, that means that the babyface gets himself disqualified. 1/4*

Rory McAllister (w/Robby McAllister) vs. Johnny (w/The Spirit Squad).
Rory’s the bald one for those who care. The SS interferes early and gets tossed. Johnny drops a knee and grabs a sort of Cobra Clutch. Rory comes back with a double ax-handle and a Billy Robinson backbreaker. Johnny hits him with the Johnnykick. GET HIM A BODYBAG! Oh, that’ll never get old. Johnny stops to argue with Robby and gets rolled up at 4:24. 3/4*

Diva Search elimination. The crowd is lukewarm to the ladies. Rebecca gets eliminated. Didn’t know. Don’t care. This has been the law of diminishing returns.

The ATF catches up with Triple H, who just happens to have a bunch of Cuban cigars in his bag. Hunter says he doesn’t even smoke. Well, if he’s not putting them in his mouth, I shudder to think which hole he is putting them in. Hunter has to go “downtown” to answer some questions, leaving Shawn to fend for himself. Remember kids, if you support warrants, the terrorists win.

Shawn Michaels vs. Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada).
Shawn sticks and moves early, darting to the outside. Vince and Shane come out to block his path, though. Apparently, Shane interfered to give Umaga the advantage. Umaga hits a roundhouse kick. HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! Umaga controls for a bit with nerve holds and headbutts. Michaels avoids the buttalanche and chops his way back. He hits the flying forearm, but Estrada breaks up the kip up. That’s enough of a distraction for Umaga to hit the press Samoan Drop. He sets up the Spanish announce table, but Shawn goes low and hits the Picture-Perfect Elbow. Shane tries to interfere and takes the flying forearm. *There’s* the kip up. You knew he’d work it in somewhere. Unfortunately, he kips up into a Samoan Lariat from Umaga at 11:44. After the match, McMahon whips Shawn with his belt. Oooh, ooh! Make the Summerslam tag a “Country Whippin’ Match” like in the old days! I find it amusing that five Spirit Squad members couldn’t help the McMahons gain an advantage, but Umaga can. Vince makes a Hunter/Umaga match for next week. **3/4

Final Thoughts: Basically the same show they’ve been putting on for a few months now, except they actually allowed the heels to get a bit ahead here. I wish there were a little more emphasis on Edge (you know, the champion) instead of the DX/McMahon feud ad nauseum, but I do like the fact that they’re building week to week.

J.D. Dunn