The RAWtopsy – 10.23.06

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

October 23, 2006

Live from Chicago, Ill.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

K-Fed, who has a better Titantron than Gregory Helms did after his heel turn, comes out to vow revenge like he’s in fucking Boyz in the Hood. He thinks King Booker and Big Show are the keys to said revenge. We get some verbal sparring to plug Cyber Sunday and ECW tomorrow night, but the best line was by Jim Ross who called Sharmell “Sharmell Parker-Bowles.”

Women’s Title Tournament: Mickie James vs. Melina.
This is like the women’s version of Low Ki vs. Samoa Joe. Well, maybe not, but the thought was there. Mickie straddles Melina and fires off some forearms at one point, and then Melina actually has the ovaries to bust out the Dragon Clutch. Melina reverses one DDT attempt, but after an awkward whip reversal, Mickie hits her Tornado DDT for the win at 3:50. *

Carlito & Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin & Chris Masters.
See, this is a nice, comfortable midcard. But you know something? None of them have any real angles. Jeff plays face-in-peril almost immediately off a stiff Shelton kick to the face. He comes back with the Whisper in the Wind and makes the hot tag to ‘Lito. Carlito hits a springboard somersault senton into a quebrada on both of his opponents. Fans love that. But wait, fans don’t like wrestling. Unfortunately, Jeff tries to help out and gets tossed into Carlito, stunning him and enabling Shelton to get the rollup for the win at 4:24. After the match, Jeff and Carlito get into it, but Benji and Masters join the fray, creating a big brawl. I guess that’s the missing angle I was complaining about. Make sure you vote. *3/4

The Chicago Bears are in the front row tonight…AND THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE!

Edge and Randy Orton are remarkably chipper for losing last week. Randy dubs them Rated RKO. Gee, how long did it take for the marketing department to come up with that one? Edge says he’s invited potential referees Eric Bischoff, Jonathon Coachman and Vince McMahon down to ringside.

The WWE superstars share their thoughts on who’s tougher — John Cena or John Triton. I like how Maria is dressed as though she’s at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

K-Fed and Johnny Nitro plug K-Fed’s album and plot strategy.

Johnny Nitro (w/Melina & Kevin Federline) vs. John Cena.
Cena dominates early hitting a reverse elbow and a Fisherman’s Suplex, but Melina has the ref distracted. Cena goes after K-Fed, allowing Nitro to jump him from behind. Cena powers out of a neckvise but misses a flying crossbody. Cena spills to the floor where K-Fed gets in an arrogant slap. Before Cena can pop a cap in his ass, though, Nitro cuts him off with a pescado. Back inside, Nitro tries to put out Cena with a sleeper. Cena powers out of it, though. YOU CAN’T SEE ME! FIVE-KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! FU! The end. (7:27) Cena stalks K-Fed (whose doofy grin gives away his clever ruse). Unfortunately, Cena chooses to chase him up the ramp anyway and runs right into King Booker and the Big Show. Of course, when titles are on the line, even heel solidarity can’t survive, and Booker gives Show a Book End. K-Fed apparently aligns himself with King Booker. You know, I would think Kevin would be concerned that people would say he’s just sponging off Booker’s talent without actually having any talent of his own or reason for living and Kevin, well, he just doesn’t seem like that type. If they’re not going to keep K-Fed, they should at least sign Jack Evans, who is only 1/3 as irritating but 1000x a better wrestler. **

Non-Title: The Spirit Squad vs. Cryme Tyme.
JTG takes a swipe at one of them and winds up playing face-in-peril. Hmm, the same formula as the earlier tag match. It’s like the agents told them not to bother getting the crowd involved. Shad gets the hot tag and cleans house. The other members of the Squad try to get involved, but it backfires as Cryme Tyme is able to hit the 10-35 for the win at 3:00. After the match, Kenny hits Mikey with the flying legdrop and says he’s had it up to his heterosexual headband with the rest of them. He promises to get an actual win against Ric Flair tonight. If you were wondering if Cryme Tyme could just sell a beating, your question was answered in the negative tonight. *

This Week in Wrestling: the Chamber of Horrors. Hey, wasn’t Sting in that match? It’s almost like they want to associate Sting with something stupid for some reason. Well, it could have been worse. They could have brought up the White Hummer angle. And you know what the sad thing is? The highlights from that match look more entertaining than anything the WWE or TNA have done in the last three months.

Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada interrupt Eugene as he’s shooting t-shirts out into the crowd. Eugene accidentally shoots Estrada in the…ha ha…juevos, triggering a beatdown. You can vote for Umaga’s opponent at Cyber Sunday – Chris Benoit, Kane or the Sandman.

In the back, Hacksaw Duggan tries to check on Eugene, but Eugene goes crazy and kicks the crap out of him.

Ric Flair vs. Kenny (w/the Spirit Squad).
Oh, Kenny was just faking everyone out with the dissension act, but Flair is one step ahead of him, bringing Sgt. Slaughter, Roddy Piper and Dusty Rhodes. Rhodes backing up Flair? It’s as if the wrestling universe had been tipped on its end. Some stuff happens, and Flair goes after the SS, allowing Kenny to get the pin with a schoolboy at 1:28. After the match, the SS attacks, triggering a brawl between them and the old guys. 1/4*

Those DX hooligans talk about how typical the actions of Orton and Edge are. They also hock some DX merchandise a la Wayne & Garth in “Wayne’s World.” Triple H takes the elevator to the basement like Austin Powers, but Shawn’s is broken, so he has to take the stairway…TO HEAVEN?! Ha! I guess it was a Mike Myers marathon at the DX household this weekend.

Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff and Jonathon Coachman have a meeting of the minds. Eric and Vince agree to work together, but Vince receives an emergency call from his broker, so he says he won’t be there tonight. Hmm…could Vince find himself in financial peril?

Triple H (w/Shawn Michaels) vs. Randy Orton (w/Edge & Lita).
Bisch and Coach are at ringside, of course. Hunter hits his Rick Rude neckbreaker and Harley Race kneedrop. He follows that with an Arn Anderson spinebuster. Orton snaps Hunter’s throat on the top rope and hits a dropkick. Hunter comes back with a Tito Santana kick to the gut, but Orton cuts him off with a DDT. Orton rips off the rip offs by hitting a Garvin Stomp and a Larry Zbyszko stalling chinlock. Hunter comes back with another Harley Race knee and some Jake Roberts short punches. Lita trips up Hunter, allowing Orton to hit a stretch backbreaker. Orton goes for the RKO, but Hunter shoves him into the ref. Edge sneaks in and breaks up the Pedigree with a spear. Shawn and Edge get into it on the outside, and Edge tosses him into the ringpost. Edge tries another spear, but Hunter sidesteps him, sending him to the floor. Bisch slips a chair to Orton who wallops Hunter for the win at 6:02. This really did more for Bischoff than Edge & Orton, and it’s becoming obvious that the pairing isn’t being positioned as a serious threat to DX. **1/2

Final Thoughts: No matter how you cut it, the “fans book the matches” concept leaves the booking in a freefall. It’s especially evident with wrestlers like Umaga and Jeff Hardy, both of whom are just sort of meandering around waiting for you to pick whoever you want. And really, do you think it will matter which one of the three is the special referee? At least they seem to be getting a lot of media mileage out of the presence K-Fed. Not sure who it helps more, though, as I don’t see a lot of the people watching “The Soup” shelling out $40 for Cyber Sunday.