The SmarK Rant For NWA-TNA – September 3 2003

The SmarK Rant for NWA-TNA – September 3 2003

– Taped show this week, as Jerry Jarrett is probably off having his spittoon polished or something.

– Taped from Nashville, TN.

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay & Don West.

– Opening match: Lazz v. Mad Mikey. You wouldn’t think there’d be a case of a guy named “Lazz” having the better name out of the participants in a match, but here ya go. Lazz appears to be a cross between Sting and Kip from Joe Schmo. Mikey takes him down, but gets fondled, which makes him MAD. He lives his gimmick. Mikey grabs a headlock, but gets Thesz Pressed, except not in the way Lou meant it to be done. Well, maybe it was, I mean maybe “Hooker” was a double-entendre or something, who am I to judge? Lazz does some, um, thrusting in the corner, and a Greco-roman liplock, so Mikey freaks out and pounds on him before hitting a double-arm DDT to finish at 1:52. Pretty obvious filler. ј*

– Super X Quarterfinals: Juventud Guerrera v. Nosawa. Juvy grabs a headlock and goes into the Rube Goldberg bulldog, and a leg lariat. He fakes a highspot and then follows with a springboard plancha. Chops and they head back in, but Nosawa clobbers him. Juvy escapes a german and spinkicks him for two. He misses a charge and gets superkicked, and they reverse until Nosawa dropkicks the knee and kicks him down for two. Juvy chops back and slides under for a Niagara Driver (or Viagra Driver, I always get those two mixed up), which sets up the Juicy Elbow for two. Nosawa comes back with a seated dropkick for two. Juvy finishes with the Drunk Driver and 450 at 4:30. Short but super hot. **

– Meantime, Jim Mitchell again promises to take Raven’s hair. And if he does, hopefully it’ll be a REAL haircut and not a Kevin Nash job.

– Super X Quarterfinals: Teddy Hart v. Jonny Storm. I think I already made all my Human Torch jokes in an ROH rant featuring Mr. Storm, so I’ll spare you. Teddy is looking quite freakish these days. He’s actually a really cool guy – I met him a couple of times at local shows here and exchanged e-mails with him following his little incident with the WWF’s training facilities where he was kicked out for his behavioral problems. Harts jumps Storm but gets spiked with a DDT. Dropkick and Hart bails, but Storm follows with a crazy somersault plancha. Back in, Hart catches him coming off the top with a stunner, and an armbar takedown, so Storm bails. Hart follows with an Asai moonsault that gets so much hangtime I’m shocked he didn’t have birdshit on his back when he landed. Back in, Storm gets a half-nelson driver for two, but misses a moonsault. Teddy comes off the top with a SICK DDT, and a shooting star press finishes at 2:46. This was like something out of Matrats, and not in a bad sense. **

– Meantime, Sonny Siaki coaches Simon & Swinger, despite having no involvement in the match later tonight. Shane Douglas makes peace. Yeah, that’s Shane – voice of moderation and reason.

– Super X Quarterfinals: Chris Sabin v. Jerry Lynn. I should also point out that this show is totally redefining the term “breakneck pace”, as there’s almost no pause between segments and things are just zipping along match-interview-match. And hey, I’d almost rather do that way instead of leisurely waiting for people to get set up. Sabin attacks, but Lynn pounds him down and stomps away. Sabin comes back, but gets powerbombed for two. Lynn keeps pounding and gets two. Sabin charges and gets dumped, but necksnaps Lynn and sunset flips in for two. Vertebreaker attempt is reversed to an F5 by Lynn for two. Lynn goes after the ref as a result, but Don Callis threatens him, and Sabin goes for the pin at 3:30. Kinda disappointing, but I always approve of a low blow being used as a killer finish. *1/2

– Meantime, Raven’s dreams aren’t dead yet. Might as well be with Jeff Jarrett booking the promotion, because no one else is getting that belt off AJ.

– Super X Quarterfinals: Frankie Kazarian v. Michael Shane. Shane grabs a headlock and gets armdragged a few times, and dropkicked into the corner. Kazarian gets two. Shane backdrops him and slugs away. Backbreaker gets two. Kazarian rollup gets two. Backslide gets two. Backdrop and Kazarian comes back with clotheslines and pounds away in the corner, but a charge hits foot. He powerslams Shane for two, but Shane escapes a suplex and an enzuigiri gets two. Superkick is blocked, and they reverse off that until Kazarian blocks a powerbomb with a rana for the pin at 3:23. Another frenetically paced match in a series of them. **

– Meantime, AJ & Russo smell a rat. I actually don’t mind Russo’s promos as a manager here, but he’s just too damn tall to be managing Styles. He’d be great with someone like Abyss. Now once again, I have to pimp Don Callis as the perfect manager for Styles.

– Super X Semifinal: Teddy Hart v. Juventud Guerrera. Juvy overpowers him and they criss-cross until Juvy gets a DDT of a tilt-a-whirl attempt. Ted takes him down with a Herb Kunze armbar, into a Russian legsweep. That is FUCKING SWEET. I don’t know why someone didn’t think of that before. He takes him down again with the armbar in a cool sequence, but Juvy chops back. Hart misses a blind charge and Juvy gets a headscissors. Ted bails and they brawl outside, where Hart gets an iffy rana off the apron and then moonsaults off the railing, slamming his knees into Juvy’s gut as a result of not enough room to move. Can’t really blame him there, although I’m biased anyway. Juvy blocks another Asai moonsault attempt and just viciously yanks him into the apron, so I guess they’re even now. He follows with a bodyblock off the apron. Juvy chops him down. Man, he hits hard for a girl. Hart goes up and gets crotched, and Juvy brings him in with a rana for two. Juvy gets the Niagara Driver for two. Hart reverses the pinfall attempt for two. I LOVE THAT. Everyone in wrestling should do that from now on. Hart drops him with a reverse tombstone (for lack of a better name) and he goes up with a SKY TWISTER PRESS for two. Holy flurking snit! This kid is nuts and needs to have a sit-down with Matt Hardy about bump cards. Juvy bails and Hart hits him with another Asai, but he blows out his knee. Back in, Juvy blocks a sunset flip with a spinebuster, and a seated dropkick for two. Juicy Elbow misses, but Juice Bottom gets two. Spinning powerbomb gets two, and Hart again reverses for two. Teddy blocks the Drunk Driver and goes up with the most vicious tornado DDT I’ve ever seen, for two. Back up, SSP hits, but the knee is hurt too much. Yes! Psychology in a spotfest! Juvy gets the Drunk Driver, but Teddy cuts him off on the top rope, only to fall victim to a top rope version of the Driver for the pin at 9:58. I’m pretty sure Hart just earned himself a job SOMEWHERE based on this. Total star-making performance from him, as he’s got the polish and moves to be a star NOW, and the usual great match from Juvy. ****1/4

– Meantime, the dudes in the red shirts get interview time. Honest.

– Super X Semi-Final: Frankie Kazarian v. Chris Sabin. Round 118. Slugfest to start and Kazarian short-arms him and dropkicks him three times, for two. Charge misses and Sabin goes ground-and-pound and a pair of running knees. Suplex puts Kazarian on the floor, but Sabin mistimes the highspot and Kazarian DDTs him on the apron. Back in, it gets two. Sabin ends up on the apron again, and Kazarian sunset bombs him to the floor in another sick spot. Back in, it gets two. Kazarian’s springboard is blocked with a german suplex by Sabin in a move so smooth I can’t do it justice, and he leverages Kazarian into the corner, setting up a tiger suplex for two. Sabin takes him down with a necktie submission, but Kazarian makes the ropes. Sabin runs into an elbow, but Kazarian can’t get a DDT. Kazarian springboards in but gets kicked, but comes back with the Wave of the Future for two. Kazarian goes up, but Sabin kicks him high and gets Back to the Future (the fisherman’s buster, whatever it’s called) for two. Sabin goes up and they fight there, as Kazarian gets the Flux Capacitor and both are out. Sabin charges and hits boot, but double-reverses a rollup for the pin at 7:31. This was more like it for them, and another awesome match in a row for the show. ****

– Meantime, Kid Kash interrupts AMW’s promo, and slaps Terry Taylor again.

– Super X Finals: Chris Sabin v. Juventud Guerrera. Juvy has apparently trained with the HHH diet for this show, as he was introduced at 170 pounds to start the show, and 202 pounds here. They slap each other to start and ges into a stalemate. Juvy slugs away and spinkicks him into a tilt-a-whirl and armbar. Sabin knees out of it, but Juvy chops him. Sabin powerbombs him and gets an enzuigiri for two. Sabin pounds away in the corner, but runs into a boot and Juvy chops him into a spinkick. Sabin bails and Juvy follows with a pescado. Back in, slingshot elbow gets two. Juvy gets a hammerlock submission, but Sabin counters a bulldog with a release german suplex for two. Sabin neckties him and goes up, but gets a brought down with a slam and dropkicked for two. Sabin goes to the eyes and into a surfboard, but Juvy escapes. Electric chair gets two for Juvy. They switch off on a suplex and Juvy counters a german suplex attempt, then a powerbomb attempt, then reverses a sunset flip and they go into a pinfall-reversal sequence that blows away anything seen on RAW in the past year alone. That was so cool, because it showed Juvy adapting like a Terminator or something. They even collapse from the effort. Nice touch. Slugfest is won by Sabin, with a knee, and they reverse off another suplex until Sabin gets a rollup for two. Juvy bulldogs him and both are out. That’s some awesome chain-wrestling, which is hard to convey in text form. Basically, there was no need for transitions between the moves – each one flowed from the last one without the need to reposition. Juvy heads up with a missile dropkick, but Sabin comes back with a body vice into a DDT for two. Juvy hits him with a TIGER DRIVER 91 (and the camera angle was the front-on brutal one, too, showing no air between the head and the mat). It gets two, but Sabin gets his foot on the ropes rather than kicking out. Good, because that’s a deadly move. Sabin snaps off a desperation DDT for two and goes up, but gets dropkicked on the way down for two. Juvy goes up, but Sabin crotches him (would that even work on him?) and a superplex gets two. They trade near-falls off rollups to really establish parity, and Juvy gets the Drunk Driver and 450 for two. Sabin comes back with the Back to the Future for the pin at 14:42. Finish was a bit out of nowhere, but the rest was MOTY territory all the way. Kudos to everyone involved in the tournament. ****1/2

– Clockwork Orange House of Wargames: Shane Douglas, Simon Diamond, Johnny Swinger, Christopher Daniels & AJ Styles v. Raven, Chris Harris, James Storm, Jeff Jarrett & D-Lo Brown. This is Wargames rules, with only one right and 90 second intervals. Jarrett starts with Daniels and they brawl into the cage, where Daniels pounds away. JJJ comes back with a spinebuster, and introduces him to the cage, but Daniels kicks him down and gets a kneedrop. Kendo stick to the ribs and nunchuks follow. More choking. He goes up but gets caught and caned. Into the cage and a little blood is drawn. Next in is Styles, and Jarrett sends him into the cage right away. Daniels assists in a beatdown, however. AJ cans him as Daniels retrieves a table. Eventually. Chris Harris is next for the faces, and he fires away on both and spears AJ. Daniels meets the cage a few times, but AJ & Daniels come back with a double-powerbomb on Jarrett, through a table. Simon makes it 3-on-2, and clocks Jarrett to draw blood. The heels perpetrate a beatdown on the faces, but Jarrett fights them off with his redneck ninja skills. AJ uses a sign to put him down again, but D-Lo evens things up. Jarrett’s a mess at this point. D-Lo cleans house, and Harris gets the Catatonic (aka That Fucking Spinning Uranage, or TFSU) on AJ and the faces hammer away until Shane makes it 4-on-3. Simon sends Harris into the cage, with not much going on. The heels keep pounding on the faces, until James Storm ties things up again. Storm uses a trashcan to clean house, and whips on Simon with a belt, which Jarrett guitars Daniels. He also chairs Styles. Swinger is last in for the heels, and the big beating begins. The faces are DONE. Over. Finished. Okay, maybe not, as Raven saves for the face team and the final portion begins. More weak brawling, with just too many people doing too much and nothing happening. All the faces eat cage and the heels randomly pound away. Raven comes back on Swinger, but Daniels slugs him in the corner. Three heels get whipped into the cage, then the tag champs, as the faces come back out of nowhere. Everyone punches away and Raven DDTs Douglas. D-Lo gets the Sky High on Daniels, but Simon & Swinger get the Problem Solver on D-Lo. Harris spears Simon, and Storm DDTs Swinger. AJ DDTs Storm. AJ goes up to finish, but Jarrett catches him with a Stroke from the top, and D-Lo and Harris hit stereo flying splashes on him to give, you guessed it, Jeff Jarrett the winning pin at 20:47. Just too long and too chaotic. **

The Bottom Line:

The main event wasn’t worth much, but you MUST go out of your way to catch the final two rounds of the X tournament. See the replay, bribe your friends, whatever. Another great, blowaway show for TNA, and they’re offering the 1 cent PPV next week with the Match of the Year thus far and some other great stuff, so get that too!

Geez, I’m starting to sound like Don West now.