TNA Impact Report 04.09.09

We start out the show with a video package talking about violence and its effect on TNA, talking about how the show may not be for the faint of heart and that blood will be shed. As all of that is being said, highlights of the past few weeks are shown and after that we head right into the regular opening for the show. We have lights, we have lasers, we have pyro and we are LIVE in High Definition from Orlando!! Mike Tenay and Don West welcome us to the show and talk about the Lethal Lockdown Advantage Series. Tonight, match two in the best-of-three as Booker T will take on Samoa Joe. From there, we get the all-too-familiar music of the Main Event Mafia with Kurt Angle in the lead. Noticeably absent after last week’s kidnapping are Booker T and Sharmell.

Sting starts out, asking Jeff Jarrett for some answers and that he wants those answers in the middle of the ring, not behind closed doors. Jarrett’s music hits and he’s heading down the ramp with a purpose and a microphone. Jarrett asks Sting what he wants and tells him that he’s a busy man. Sting says he wants answers and asks why he was booked into a match with Samoa Joe by Mick Foley when he has to fight Foley at Lockdown. He asks who is really in charge, Foley or Jarrett? He asks Jarrett what he’s going to do about it and Jarrett says that he’s knee-deep in backstage shit and he doesn’t need Sting to add to the pile. Sting says that if Foley’s running the show, he should just admit it, which makes Jarrett angry as he says that he’s still the one in charge. Sting says that since he got a warm-up last week, Foley should get a warm-up this week and if Jarrett’s really in charge of the company it shouldn’t be that hard for him to pull off. Jarrett asks Sting what gives him the right to question his authority and Sting talks about meeting Jarrett twenty-three years ago and that he’s still standing as the TNA World Heavyweight Champion which means he has some stroke. He says he’s not asking Jarrett, he’s telling Jarrett to book Foley in a match tonight. Scott Steiner grabs the microphone and starts talking to Jarrett about how Foley is taking over and Jarrett is losing control. He questions why he’s putting the company in the hands of Samoa Joe and AJ Styles at Lockdown and that there’s easier roads to go down. Jarrett cuts him off and tells him that it’s not an option as Steiner asks if the option is to throw away everything he’s worked on for the past seven years. Steiner says they need to have a man-to-man backstage but they’re interrupted by the….Motor City Machine Guns?? Guh??

Jarrett looks just as shocked as I am as Shelley and Sabin make their way into the ring. Shelley says that they were in the back playing Resident Evil and Street Fighter and that they couldn’t help but hear what Sting was saying. He says that it wasn’t fair for Sting to have to wrestle, but that’s what happens when Foley is the boss around here. BURN ON JARRETT!! TOTAL BURN!! Shelley explains that they’re a team for hire tonight and he talks about the TNA Turkey Bowl where he had to put on a turkey suit that was extremely itchy and smelled like burnt hair. He says that there isn’t a day that goes by that he hasn’t thought about it and he suggests that the MCMG’s vs. Mick Foley in a handicap match sounds like a hell of a warm-up match. He asks Jarrett if he’s still the guy with the stroke or if he has to go to the back and text someone, e-mail someone or smoke signal them. Jarrett says that if that’s what they want, that’s what they’ll get and he books the match for tonight. The Guns look happy, the Mafia looks happy and Kurt Angle looks like the cat who swallowed the canary. We head to the back with JB in Mick Foley’s office. Foley says he’s at a loss for words and borrows the words from KC and the Sunshine Band because that’s the way, uh huh, uh huh, he likes it. He talks about how proud he is of Jarrett for standing for himself and says he’s looking forward to taking on the Guns tonight beacuse they’re on fire. He says that he’s going to tweak the match a little bit though, leaving JB confused as to what tweaking is. You know JB, what that Honduran pool boy does to your nipples at the hotel pool when Impact isn’t taping….tweaking.

Random Commercial Observation #1: I’m not a sci-fi guy or anything and I would never profess to be, but even by sci-fi standards that new Star Trek movie looks like it’s been made of 100%, pure, uncut suck. I might just be clinging to Captain Kirk or something, but it looks like they’ve taken what made it Star Trek away and just turned it into a space-age Transformers. I may be wrong, but I’m just going by what I saw.

We head back into the offices of TNA and we see Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett talking with JB acting like a mic stand. Foley says that Jarrett found his smile tonight and asks if he can add a little sizzle to the steak by tweaking the match. Foley starts trying to play Jarrett’s guitar while singing “Tweak It”. Jarrett grabs the guitar and Foley leaves, leaving JB to ask Jarrett if he’s upset about Foley or about the Steiner thing. Before he can get the question all the way out, Scott Steiner comes into the office and Jeff Jarrett sends JB packing. Smell the intrigue!!!

Match One:
Sheik Abdul Bashir w/Kiyoshi and Team No Limit vs. Suicide

This one is non-title so expect some shenanigans. Lock-up and Suicide pushes Bashir into the corner, backing off for a break. Bashir tries a sneak attack but gets caught and Suicide is on fire early on with some of his unorthodox offense. Bashir rolls out to the apron and catches Suicide with a clothesline across the top rope before stomping away at Suicide in the corner. Irish whip attempt from Bashir gets reversed and Suicide hits some right hands and a clothesline before scoring with a modified atomic drop. Suicide tries his running turnbuckle smash, but Bashir shoves him off into the buckle before sending him out to the floor with a forearm shot. Kiyoshi and No Limit pounce on Suicide and hammer away with boots before sending him back into the ring. Bashir grabs Suicide and drops him with a reverse neckbreaker that gets two. Bashir with a flurry of shoulderblocks and a right hand followed by a HUGE Irish whip and a snap mare. Bashir locks in the reverse chinlock and the crowd tries to get behind Suicide. He fights to his feet, but Bashir drops him with a belly-to-back suplex. Bashir goes up to the top rope but gets caught and Suicide hits a MASSIVE slam. Clothesline and a kneelift from Suicide into his rolling frontslam!! Suicide knocks No Limit off the apron and turns around into a kick from Bashir into a modified Styles Clash/victory roll kind of move that only gets a two-count. Bashir gets the X-Division belt as No Limit distract the referee and as he tries to hit Suicide, Suicide kicks Bashir in the face. The referee is still distracted by Team No Limit and Kiyoshi heads into the ring to attack Suicide with a kick to the back of the head. Bashir hits his WMDDT right onto the X-Division belt and covers for the 1-2-3!! After the match, Bashir lays the belt on the prone body of Suicide, but the lights go off and when they come back up, Suicide and the belt are gone.

Winner: Sheik Abdul Bashir (pinfall, WMDDT on the X-Division Belt) *3/4

(Eh. This was more about the distractions and the cheating by Bashir than it was about an actual match. After months of being treated like a jobber, Bashir needs something to make him seem like a remotely credible threat for the multi-man X-Division Title match at Lockdown. Unfortunately for him, this wasn’t it. Not the best way to start the show.)

We come back from the break to see Rhino backstage with the US Navy guy from Destination X. Rhino talks about getting to sit down with Petty Officer Neal and how he was told a story by Neal at the show and that if he had the opportunity to do it in public would he. Neal said he would and that’s why Rhino has asked for this time. Neal tells a story about another guy he befriended on the USS Cole and how they both wanted to be professional wrestlers. Apparently, they got attacked by terrorists and his best friend who wanted to be a wrestler died. Rhino says that it would be his honor to train Neal to help him realize his goal and live his dream for himself and for his friend who didn’t live to do so.

Random Impact Observation #1: Call me a oversensitive, but that was disgusting. Trying to build sympathy for a guy off of an event that was an actual tragedy and trying to drum up some tears from Rhino for this was terrible. Beyond the bad acting from both of them, the whole idea is just desperate and sad. I’m tolerant of a lot of the things that wrestling shows put out, but this was manipulative, exploitative garbage.

We find out that there’s a commotion in the back as Don West does his house show shilling and it’s The Beautiful People and Madison Rayne. We saw them parading around backstage with scissors before the break and it looks like they’ve found their next victim. They’re laying the boots to Raisha Saeed in the locker room and they’re cutting her hair! Mike Tenay figures that Awesome Kong is going to be “pissed off” now. If she’s nearly killed people when she’s in a good mood, I don’t want to know what she’s going to do now that she’s pissed.

After the break, we get to see the same action we saw right before the break with the haircut. Apparently it went on during the commercial until TNA Security broke it up. That leads into TNA Rough Cuts, which is focusing on Team 3D and their wrestling school. Devon says that in the middle of their careers, they talked about opening up a school to pass on their knowledge to the next generation. He says that when they left the WWE, they got to see some of the next generation first-hand and were appalled by some of the guys. They talk about how they take a lot of pride in the students they train and how they want to put some decent professionals back into the system. Brother Ray calls it a college for professional wrestling and talks about how they’re like teachers with the TNA Frontline. Devon says that there are guys out there that don’t want to pass the torch and that for the business to continue, you have to help the younger guys. Ray adds that the Mafia have been around for a long time and have learned how to play the game and that the Frontline might not be as mentally tough. He says that they were trying to add the experience to the Frontline to help them combat that edge.

Mike Tenay conducted a sit-down interview with Sting earlier today and we head to that footage now. Sting says he was surprised when Mick Foley hit him with the chair both times because of their twenty-year friendship. He adds that if you’re trying to put some logic into something Foley did, he’s likely starting at the top with the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Tenay asks what’s going through the mind of Mick Foley and Sting says it would be impossible to get into Foley’s mind, adding that it’s easier to know what Kurt Angle is going to do next. Tenay asks about Sting’s impending retirement and his well-being at Lockdown and Sting says that he’s no spring chicken, talking about his knee injury in 1990 in WCW trying to climb the cage. He says that if he suffers an injury like that, he’s not going to be able to come back. Sting tells the story about seeing Cactus Jack wrestling in Germany against Vader with Jack’s ear getting torn off. He talks about seeing Gary Michael Capetta coming into the locker room with an ear in his hand and he talks about Jack coming into the locker room afterwards, pulling up his hair to show the bloody hole. Sting says that he came into the locker room and said “I think I lost my ear…BANG BANG!!” He talks about how that’s the mentality of the opponent he’s going into Lockdown against and that he’s concerned that this could end up being his last match at Lockdown. Tenay and West talk about the interview afterwards before we find out that Mick Foley is heading on his way to the Impact Zone to talk to the people! MORE TALKING, MORE COMMERCIALS, CROSS THE LINE!!!

After a commercial, we get to see some footage from earlier this afternoon with Lauren yelling at Abyss for the abuse that Dr. Stevie laid on him last week. Lauren threatens to report him to the board and Abyss begs her not to. Lauren injects herself into the situation, saying that she’s going to be at the next session to make sure that that kind of crap doesn’t happen again and that Dr. Stevie will know everything.

Mick Foley’s music hits and he’s heading to the ring with a microphone and what looks like a book titled “Crossing The Line”. Foley says to tweak, or not to tweak, that is the question. He talks about how people would ask why he feels the need to tweak a quality main event like he’s thinking about and that he’s decided to tweak because of what’s in the notebook he’s holding. Apparently, it’s the beginnings of his next book. He talks about Dewey, his seventeen year old son and his new hairstyle and that he had a birthday card on his refrigerator from the Motor City Machine Guns. He says that Dewey wears his hair like Alex Shelley and throws up a photo of his six year old Huey. He says that he went out on the road and came back to see his son with an Alex Shelley hairstyle as well. Apparently Foley hates goofy hair. Foley tweaks the match by making it a First Blood match and that to make sure there’s no interference, he wants Sting to be the special enforcer at ringside. He even invites Jeff Jarrett to come down to see what happens. He talks about making his home a Guns-free environment and then adds that after he’s done tonight and he’s carved up Alex Shelley, no one is going to want to look like him anymore.

JB is in the back with Booker T and he asks Booker about what’s happened after Samoa Joe took her out of the Impact Zone at the end of last week’s show. Booker says that normally he’s laughing and joking, but this is serious business because it had nothing to do with entertainment last week. He says that Sharmell hasn’t been the same since what happened and that tonight is his chance for revenge. Booker says that what happens tonight is going to be left up to his imagination. Booker walks off and Kurt Angle steps in, saying that he might be the leader of his team at Lethal Lockdown, but this isn’t about gaining an advantage tonight. Angle promises he’s going to be at ringside and he threatens Joe to bring his Nation of Violence to an Olympic gold medalist. Angle promises that Joe’s “tribal manslaughter” ends tonight. So wait, he’s actually KILLED people with that slingblade now?

After the commercial, we see some footage from during the break with Samoa Joe stalking through the backstage area of the Impact Zone. AJ Styles stops him and says that if Kurt is going out with Booker, he’s going to go out with Joe. Joe cuts him off and says that as far as he’s concerned, his Nation of Violence is a nation of one. I wonder if anyone’s ever told Joe that one is the loneliest number you could ever do. That leads us into….

Match Two: Lethal Lockdown Advantage Series
Booker T w/Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe

Joe charges the ring and attacks Booker with kicks and punches immediately. He chokes Booker against the mat and lays in some vicious stomps before choking Booker against the bottom rope. Booker comes back with a kick to the gut and some knees from the clinch before whipping Joe into the corner. Booker charges and Joe moves out of the way, hitting the enziguri before moving off the ropes. Kurt Angle trips Samoa Joe from the outside and Booker attacks from behind with a forearm. More knees from Booker put Samoa Joe down on his ass in the corner and Angle hands a steel chair into Booker. HERE COMES AJ STYLES!! He grabs the chair and takes it away from Booker before HAMMERING Angle on the outside. Joe with some punches into an Irish whip and Booker hits a kick to the gut, setting up for the axe kick. Joe reverses it into a HUGE whip powerslam!! There’s the cover and there’s the three-count!!

Winner: Samoa Joe (pinfall, powerslam) *1/2

(Way too short to mean absolutely anything. It’s good to see Joe finally deciding to wrestle instead of acting like an idiot, but it was just too damn short. Why even bother booking this as a match if you’re going to have it last less than two minutes AND feature a bullshit finish with outside interference.)

After a commercial break, we get to see a repeat of the finish that we just saw five minutes ago and the aftermath of Joe staring down AJ in the middle of the ring. Tenay and West are at the desk, talking about the lineup for Lockdown on April 19th in Philadelphia. That leads us into the video of the date with ODB and Cody Deaner at Universal Studios. It’s the two of them on rides, with Deaner threatening to vomit and ODB saying she’s seen some peckers in her life. The “hilarity” continues with Deaner being afraid of the Jaws ride. Deaner calls it the best day of his life (which is coincidentally one of my worst for having to see it) and asks if ODB had fun. ODB gives him a kiss on the cheek and he makes some frightening squeals.

TNA Rough Cuts comes back with Team 3D’s thoughts on their legacy. They talk about ranking in the upper percentile of great tag teams with Devon saying that it’s hard for them to feel like they’re better than some of their heroes. Devon says that their career is like a book because if you’ve liked the first ten chapters, they have so much more to offer in the next ten chapters. Ray talks about their legacy being secure because of the their numerous tag team championship wins. He says that every world title they’ve won has meant something different to them and that he views each win as a great responsibility. That takes us into yet ANOTHER commercial break.

Coming back out of the commercial, Lauren is with the Motor City Machine Guns and she asks if they know what they’ve gotten into tonight. Shelley says that legends are sometimes stories of mediocrity that are snowballed into glorified tales. He says that Foley’s snowball may be wrapped in barbed wire, and that the legacy might be all well and good, but that they’re the super athletes of tomorrow…today. Shelley puts up the IWGP Jr. Tag Titles, saying Foley can even take them back to Japan himself if he wins. Sabin asks Lauren if they would challenge Mick Foley if they didn’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they could win. He says that they’re not jabronies, they’re two of the best in the world and that Foley can barely get out of bed in the morning, let alone wrestle. At Foley’s expense, they’re going to make a name for themselves tonight and Shelley finishes off by saying that if they have to issue another ticket to the “Gun” show for Sting, they’ll do it. The gun show….tremendous.

Match Three:
Scott Steiner w/Kevin Nash vs. James Storm w/Robert Roode

Team 3D join the commentary team and Brother Ray calls it the biggest tag team match in the history of wrestling. Storm and Roode lay the eyeball on Team 3D as they walk down the ramp and then we get the video footage of Beer Money’s save on Team 3D last week. Ray gives them credit for the save as the bell rings to get this one underway. Nash tries to hook Storm’s foot and Steiner uses the distraction to attack from behind with some forearm shots. Irish whip into a reverse elbow from Steiner and he rams Strom’s head into the top turnbuckle before hitting a nasty chop. Scoop slam from Steiner and he sends Storm over the top rope to the outside. Storm skins the cat and ducks under a clothesline, kicking Steiner in the gut and taking him over with a reverse neckbreaker that gets two. Storm comes off the ropes right into a Steiner belly-to-belly and that gets two for Steiner. Steiner with a chp and he whips Storm into the ropes, missing a clothesline before dropping Storm with another one. Steiner hits the clothesline into the flexing elbow for two, following it up with his customary push-ups. Steiner with another chop and another Irish whip, but he ducks down to soon and Storm kicks him in the face. Storm ducks under a clothesline, but ends up dropped with the Steiner Flatliner. 1….2…Storm rolls the shoulder! Reverse chinlock from Steiner now, but Storm fights out of it with a turnbuckle smash and some right hands. Storm charges the corner off of an Irish whip and Steiner sends him over the top to the apron. Enziguri from Storm and he heads into the ring with a Backstabber!! That gets a long, LONG two-count and Storm looks frustrated. Irish whip reversal by Steiner, but Storm kicks him in the face on the charge in. Storm hits a big suplex on Steiner and we get a modified version of…..BEER…..MONEY!!!! Storm tries to set up for the superkick, but Nash hits him in the leg with the pipe!! Nash throws it in to Steiner and he lays out both Roode and Storm with pipe shots!! Team 3D come in and chase the Mafia away with their tiny, tiny championship belts. Team 3D get the TNA Title belts and hand them over to Beer Money leading to a staredown. Team 3D turn their backs to show respect and they staredown with mutual respect.

Winner: James Storm (disqualification, Big Sexy-ference) *

(Steiner really needs to work on broadening that offensive skill-set a tad. There can only be so many clotheslines, chops and Irish whips, but Steiner tried his best to fit one too many of each into this match. Storm tried his best, but there’s not a lot you can do with Steiner in five minutes, especially with a schmozz finish. Bleah. This show started out badly and hasn’t managed to get much better nearly 3/4 of the way through.)

After the commercial, we had to JB in the back with The Beautiful People. JB pimps his late-breaking news involving the major personality in the wrestling business making his way to TNA to try to get the TNA Mobile service over. I’ll get right on that JB. JB asks about the Lockdown match-up and Mi Pi Sexy’s makeovers as of late. Angelina Love says she’s done all of the skanks they’ve made over a favor. She adds that she wants the the TNA Knockouts Championship and she’s going to get it at any cost. She says that they said they would cleanse the world of ugly people, one at a time and that’s what they’re going to do. Apparently, Raisha Saeed is not going to make it tonight because she got left in a pool of her own hair, blood and vomit. Eeeeeewwwwww. Love promises a makeover for Awesome Kong tonight, adding that it’s long overdue.

Match Four: Handicap Knockouts Match
Awesome Kong vs. Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne w/Angelina Love

Random Impact Observation #2: TNA might want to burn that middle rope….I’m just saying. It’d be a shame to have the entire roster go down with the herpes.

The bell rings and Sky and Rayne attack immediately. They whip Kong into the ropes and try a double-clothesline, missing it and ducking under one from Kong before kicking her in the gut and hitting a double armbar. They drop Kong to the mat with a nice double team move and Sky grabs Kong to try a tornado DDT off the second rope. Kong blocks it and grabs Sky by the goozle, but Sky elbows out and pushes Kong right into a missile dropkick from Rayne. Kong comes back and picks Sky up for the Awesome Bomb, but Rayne knocks her over into a seated two-count for Sky. Kong reverses it and takes the sunset flip for the pinfall as Rayne turns her back!

Winner: Awesome Kong (pinfall, sunset flip) 1/2*

(Meh. A big old pile of meh. At least it was short enough to not drag the show down any further than it’s already gone.)

After the match, The Beautiful People go into full-on attack mode, hammering Kong down to the mat. Sky and Wilde hold onto Kong as Angelina Love has the scissors. Taylor Wilde comes out to save Kong’s hair and Kong stares down TBP as they back up the ramp. Before we hit a commercial we see the Motor City Machine Guns and Mick Foley making their way towards the Impact Zone. The Guns have their IWGP belts and Foley has his barbed-wire baseball bat. I’d take the bat every time.

JB is in the back with TNA founder Jeff Jarrett and he congratulates Jarrett on his DVD, kissing his ass profusely before asking about what the conversation with Scott Steiner was about. Jarrett says that next week, he’s going to name the fourth member of Team Jarrett and that he’ll be taking on Kevin Nash for the man advantage at Lethal Lockdown. Jarrett adds that it’s a former TNA Champion before heading off to check out the main event.

Match Five: Handicap First Blood Match
Mick Foley vs. The Motor City Machine Guns

Foley and Sting lay the stinkeye on each other before Foley makes his way into the ring, sending the Guns scrambling to the floor. Apparently Jeff Jarrett is not wanting to confuse the issue so he’s going to watch the match from his office monitor. Shelley and Foley start out and Shelley ducks under a lock-up before doing some jumping jacks. Shelley plays to the crowd and grabs a side headlock, but Foley shoots him off and hits a big reverse elbow before dropping some forearms onto Shelley’s face. Foley chokes Shelley against the middle rope and picks him up for a vertical suplex. Shelley reverses, they trade go-behinds and Sabin makes a blind tag as Foley sends Shelley through the ropes to the floor. Foley sends Shelley into the ringside barricade and Sabin hits a big missile dropkick off the apron to Foley, cracking Foley’s head against the concrete floor. They follow it up with a double-suicide dive that rams Foley’s head into the guardrail!! They pose in the middle of the ring as we hit commercial!

Back from the break, Foley is in the ring and hammering on Sabin with right hands and forearms. He whips Sabin into the corner and misses a charge, ramming his shoulder into the ringpost. Sabin tags in Shelley and they hit their tandem offense before Shelley holds Foley for a HUGE springboard missile dropkick from Sabin. They hit their dual kicks on Foley and Sabin climbs the buckles to mock Sting with a yell and some chest-pounding. Sting grabs Sabin and drags him to the outside, hitting him with a Scorpion Death Drop. Inside the ring, Foley hits a double-arm DDT on Shelley and follows it with Sawk-O!! Mandible claw on Shelley!! He sends Shelley out to the floor and the referee notices blood on the sock and tries to call for the bell. Foley cuts him off and intimidates him into letting the match continue. Foley heads outside and hits a suplex on the concrete floor on Shelley before heading over to the announce desk. Foley grabs a microphone and says that the little bit of blood isn’t what he promised. He says he promised to carve someone open and then promises that Shelley is going to suffer. He grabs the barbed-wire baseball bat and rolls into the ring where Shelley is trying to get to his feet. Foley starts raking the bat against Shelley’s forehead, but Sting WAFFLES FOLEY WITH A CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD!! Foley’s bleeding and the referee calls for the bell!!

Winners: The Motor City Machine Guns *1/2

(Some intrigue with the finish and Sting being out there, but this was mainly an excuse for Sting to get his receipt from a few weeks back when Foley took him out with a chair. The Guns made it fun with their cocky attitudes and the mocking of Sting and the subsequence comeuppance was gold. A weak main event to finish off a rather weak edition of Impact. I’d be very surprised if the ratings didn’t suffer a little this week to be honest.)

Post-match, Foley and Sting brawl on the floor until TNA Security separates them. Foley shows Sting the blood and attacks again!! They trade haymakers until the show fades out and we’re out from Orlando!!