You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 8.30.07: Summerslam Special

I shelled out for Summerslam this past weekend, despite the fact I did not love the card. Back in the day I’d watch damn near every Pay Per View I could, and the card would fluctuate from watchable to awesome. Then came the dark days when I’d only buy a PPV if the card was good, which gave pretty even odds. These days, I’ll pay for the Rumble, Mania and Summerslam because I know that the WWE will pull out all the stops for these three events and I’m guaranteed to enjoy them. But the rest of the time I just don’t bother.

To be honest watching Summerslam this year had little to do with the card, it was mainly because Monday was a public Bank Holiday in England and so I got the day off. For all you US residents, watching live PPV’s in England means staying up till 4:00 a.m. which can kinda fuck up your working day.

But this year’s Slam event did provide me with plenty of material. So join me now in both the pointing and the laughing.

This Week’s Idiot: Summerslam

Well, parts of it at least. I’ll run through the show and do this is chronological order.

The Set
This is a minor quibble, but with WWE promoting Summerslam as ‘the biggest party of the summer’ I was expecting some sort of party atmosphere. JR and Lawler in Hawain Shirts. Some sort of beach or party themed set. WWE didn’t even shell out for some sand on the damn floor. Say what you want about WCW, but they always went all out with their sets, especially for themed events like Bash At The Beach and Halloween Havoc. I wasn’t expecting the show to be actually on the beach like WCW used to do…but I was told it would be a part, I expected it to be a party and I did not receive a godamn party.

Kennedy Gets Pinned
Dude, seriously…what the fuck? Okay so they want Umaga to retain the title. Wise decision, since Umaga is getting over nicely as a face and Mr. Kennedy is so far beyond the Inercontinental Championship is not even funny. Why in holy hell didn’t Carlito do the job? Mr. Kennedy is primed for a top slot as pretty much everyone agrees he will be revealed as Mr. McMahon’s bastard son. Why job him out on PPV right before the biggest angle of his career? More to the point, why wouldn’t you job out Carlito?

Power Ranger Rey!
That silver body-paint was retarded. Clearly it was conceived so they can sell a brand new Rey Mysterio action figure, but it just looked bad. It looked like they’d tried to paint him white, like some horrible reverse Minstrel Show. It freaked me out. Gold body-paint would have looked a hundred times better. Also, Rey’s music still sucks ass. Bring back the classic Rey Mysterio music! The one we can all sing along to! All together now…
Who’s that jumping out the sky? R-E-Y! Mysterio – Here We Go!

Steve Austin – Unannounced Idiocy
Stone Cold Steve Austin is still probably the most popular guy in the WWE and he doesn’t even work there anymore. He always draws huge ratings for his silly little cameo appearances, and he got an insane pop at Saturday Night’s Main Event, just in case anyone in McManagement thought his appeal had faded. Look. The dude built the modern WWEmpire. What part of your grand marketing plan thought that it would be a good idea to not promote his appearance at Summerslam? How exactly does not telling fans that he’ll be there, make you any more money? Shall I get out the flow-charts again? The ones that explain why money is a good thing?

The Great Khali Vs Batista
Sadly I missed this match because I had to blink. In case we all needed further proof that the WWE doesn’t give a flying fuck about Smackdown, the World Heavyweight Title match lasted all of 5 minutes and ended when Khali hit Batista with a steel chair and got himself disqualified. Let’s not forget that Khali is over seven feet tall and is an indestructible killing machine. Exactly why he would need a steel chair when he is able to crush Ric Flair’s skull with his bare hands, I’ll never know. Now I know nobody wants to see Khali try to put on a 30 minute wrestling classic, but this was a cheap, cheap finish at one of the biggest shows of the year and frankly I felt cheated out of the money I’d spent. I paid for a shitty Khali/Batista match and godamn you all, I want to get what I paid for!

McMahon’s Bastard Angle
The WWE did not wrap up the ‘Mr. McMahon’s Son’ storyline at Summerslam, which they should have done. The comedy skits have been funny and all, but this angle is not strong enough to survive another 4 weeks of TV. What else can they do? Have Vince speculate who his son is on Raw, ECW and Smackdown three times a week for four more weeks? Summerslam was the perfect big stage to pull the trigger on this thing. Now it’s gonna get bloated and annoying. Kinda like me after a big meal.

Dead Man Not Rising
First rule of wrestling? You sell next month’s show on this month’s show. The WWE are supposed to be building up to the big return of The Undertaker to wreak his bloody vengeance against Mark Henry at Unforgiven in September. But you wouldn’t have known it to watch Summerslam. Another crappy video package like we see every week on Smackdown was all they had. I’m not saying bring the Dead Man back a month early, I’m saying do something to carry on the storyline. Use Mark Henry. Use the druids. Use Taker’s music. Do some of that freaky lighting and sound stuff. It’s last big PPV of the year and that crowd would have popped huge for Taker’s music or for some voice-over of him making cryptic threats. Yet another nail in Smackdown’s coffin.

You’re An Idiot Because – Sand, Carlito, Gold Body-Paint, Bad Advertising, More Khali, Pull The Bastard Trigger & Scary Music…Was That Everything?

Last week you had a choice of who to vote for Idiot Of The Week. Your options were…
“The Punisher” Andrew Martin
Jeff Hardy
Batista’s New Book

And the winner is…Last Week’s Idiot: Jeff Hardy

Batista got a whole lot of votes this week, but it looks like people despite Jeff Hardy almost as much as me. Before I go I’d like to print one letter from Karen Pontious who is very concerned about the sheer amount of lies I tell.

hey reread what u wrote about batista for one thing u have his age all wrong? don’t u reread what u write before u post it and how do u know for sure this is going to be in the book the book not even out yet. u are just going by what someone else wrote about the book. thoought let u know u made a mistake on his age

It’s important to point out that it is universally agreed throughout the world that Batista is like, 50-something. Dude’s old. I’m not saying he couldn’t kick my ass in a street fight, I’m just saying it’s more than likely to be a street-fight over who drank the last of his prune-juice and why I keep turning up my boom-box and listening to the hip-hop. Guy’s fucking old.

And also…yeah none of the stuff I commented on last week had been confirmed by even one trustworthy source. I got it from rajah.com so make of that what you will. It was pure, pure rumour and speculation about a book that hasn’t even come out yet. But it was a dry and barren week for stories and I did what I had to do. Made fun of a very old man with scary, scary veins all across his wrinkled, brown and leathery body. Am I concerned about Batista reading this? No. It’s on the Internet. If someone reprinted it on a chalk-board…then I’d be concerned.