411’s Impact Wrestling Report 08.18.11

411’s IMPACT WRESTLING REPORT 08.18.11
Championship Roll Call:
TNA WORLD TITLE: Kurt Angle
TNA TV TITLE: Eric Young
TNA X-DIVISION TITLE: Brian Kendrick
TNA KNOCKOUTS TITLE: Winter
TNA TAG TEAM TITLES: Beer Money
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM TITLES: Tara & Miss Tessmacher

Hi, hello & welcome to 411’s Impact Wrestling Report! I’m Steve Cook, and if you’d like to be 411’s new Impact reporter feel free to send a sample to Larry Csonka and/or Ashish. The sooner the better, I say! I know some of you probably won’t like my recapping style complete with sarcasm & lack of match ratings, but fear not…for it’s a

Last week Kurt Angle explained why he’s joined forces with Hulk Hogan by turning heel on Dixie Carter & promising she‘ll never get her company back. Dixie hasn’t been on the show in months, in case you’re wondering.

Opening Promo!

Sting enters with a bat & a chair. He then throws himself around the ramp a little bit and acts like he’s getting beat up. He runs down to the ring & takes a back bump & a couple front bumps. Well, why not? That’s proof he’s lost his mind, and a re-enactment of what happened to him last week. The reason he remembers is because he watched it on tape. He remembers that the force he was being hit with was so unbelievable that he couldn’t talk. He was nervous. He remembers the fire in his eye, and how awesome it was to have his rear end handed to him by the greatest of all time, Hulk Hogan. The Hulkster still has the eye of the tiger. The 21 inch pythons kicked in, and the people & Sting both want to see him back in the ring. Speak for yourself, Sting & Impact Zone! Sting thinks it’s appropriate that they start the official Hogan chant because he wants Hogan in the ring tonight.

We don’t get Hogan, but we do get…Ric Flair. So Cal Val holds the ropes open for Naitch, who hasn’t been in the Impact Zone in quite some time. Did he understand that Sting called Hogan the greatest wrestler of all time? They’ll talk about that later on. When they put the tag Icon on Sting, that made him special. People ask Flair when he’s going to wrestle Sting one more time. The fans chant “One More Match”. Off comes the jacket. Sting is an iconic figure in Naitch’s eyes. He’s healthy, strong as a bull, just as much of a man as he was 20 years ago. Flair says that if he’s going to be the man he wants to be, he has to wrestle Sting again. If Flair beats Sting, Sting has to retire. If he loses, he’s gone. If Sting beats Flair, which is next to impossible, Flair will serve Hogan up to him on a silver platter, as God is his witness. Flair wants the Stinger answer, so Sting takes off the trench coat. Sting asks the Impact Zone fans what they think. They approve. Ric smells like garlic, but Sting accepts the offer. Wooooooooooo says Naitch.

So we get Sting vs. Ric Flair…at some point. They didn’t say when, but we can probably guess it’ll be at No Surrender on September 11.

Hulk Hogan is not happy with Ric Flair backstage, but Flair says that he’s got Sting right where they want him. Flair is 1500-1 against him, maybe 1500-2. I think Flair’s math is a little off. Hogan unloaded with everything he had last week. He should be dead. Hogan’s mad, but Flair wants to have a beer and catch up on old times. He owns Sting, he’s got his number. Hogan, having seen some Sting vs. Flair matches, is not sold on this. Flair needs to round up the troops and make sure Sting doesn’t breathe another breath after tonight. Hogan says Flair better take care of this because he will never wrestle again. Flair hugs him & promises to take care of it. He woos his way out of the office.

BFG house show clips show Bully Ray bragging about beating Devon.

Match 1: Bound For Glory Series Match: Scott Steiner vs. Devon

Matt Morgan, our Bound For Glory Series analyst, joins Mike Tenay & Taz for commentary. Devon goes to work right away with punches, a shoulder block, a neck breaker, and a standing diving head butt gets a two. Whip into a kick by Steiner, chop, side slam by Devon gets a one. Devon’s family is in attendance as usual. And all of a sudden Steiner rolls up Devon, puts his feet on the ropes and gets the victory!

Winner: Scott Steiner (about a minute)
Not long enough to have an opinion on. Wrestling matters!

Steiner gets seven points.

After the match Samoa Joe shows up and attacks Devon! I don’t even know what that move was, and now he puts Devon in a modified ankle lock. Devon’s sons enter the ring & Joe stares them down before The Pope shows up and gets in Joe’s face. Joe exits stage left.

During the break, Joe tells the backstage camera that he did exactly what he said he’d do. If he can’t win this tournament, he’s going to take everybody down. He won’t stop until the Bound For Glory series is no more. Don’t put the tiger in his cage. Nobody has the balls to fire him. He’s Samoa Joe & he’s just getting started.

Match 2: Eight-Man X-Division Gauntlet: Alex Shelley, Tony Nese, Kid Kash, Robbie E (w/Cookie), Zema Ion, Jesse Sorensen, Mark Haskins, Austin Aries

Does Haskins always wear a John Morrison starter kit? Dear God that’s horrible. This match will determine the rankings for the X Division. I know, I know…

Christy Hemme tells us the first two in the ring are Shelley & Haskins. Haskins kicks Shelley into the corner & punches him down. Shelley fights back with kicks & chops. Forearm strike by Shelley, he calls for Sliced Bread, doesn’t get it, Haskins with a nice little Matrix thing into a Diamond Cutter for two. Up top…atomic drop off the top by Shelley, big knee, he goes for sliced bread, backslide gets nothing, Haskins drops Shelley head first onto his knee for the three count? Hmmm.

Robbie E is next, and he immediately argues with Cookie, so Haskins rolls him up for three. That was productive. If your girl’s mad at you and has been for a week, would you really take her down to the ring with you for your match? Probably not.

Next is Ion. Big dropkick off the top. Funky little move by Ion where he pushes Haskins into a kick. I’ll say this, these guys are doing some interesting moves. Ion slams Haskins. 450 finishes Haskins.

Jesse Sorensen is next, and he springboards into a leg drop for two. Ion knees out of a brain buster, Stun Gun gets two. Ion hits knees on the 450, Sorensen with a modified Cross Rhodes finishes Ion off.

Tony Nese is in now, he drops Sorensen with a clothesline for two. Into the corner, running knee gets two. Sorensen misses the kick, Nese with a wheelbarrow German gets two. Nese misses a Lionsault, Sorensen with another modified Cross Rhodes to finish Nese.

Here comes Kid Kash and here comes a commercial! OK, we’ve got people doing some flashy moves but wow is there no rhyme or reason to this. Six minutes in and we’ve had five eliminations already.

Kash & Sorensen have been wrestling the entire break. Figures that the moment somebody’s in there longer than a minute we go to commercial. Kash with a splash off the top gets two. He calls for the Moneymaker, but Sorensen counters for the three count!

Austin Aries is your last competitor. Kash decides to hit the Moneymaker on Sorensen just because he can. Of course Tenay doesn’t remember the name of the move. Aries’ cocky cover on Sorensen doesn’t get the three-count. He rolls up Aries out of the Brainbuster, but then Aries hits the IED…follows it up with the Brainbuster, thanks for coming!

X Division Rankings:

1. Austin Aries
2. Jesse Sorensen
3. Kid Kash
4. Tony Nese
5. Zema Ion
6. Mark Haskins
7. Robbie E
8. Alex Shelley
An interesting little exhibition, and it was really great for those with ADD, but honestly it ranked pretty low among X Division gauntlets.

Aries talks to Christy about how he just took out seven X Division stars. He’s all blown up after a minute of wrestling. He’s going to take Brian Kendrick’s title and there’s nothing Kendrick can do about it because he’s the greatest man that ever lived. Brian Kendrick comes down to offer a handshake, and since Aries turns it down Kendrick opts to attack Aries from behind! That’s no way for a champion to act. Security comes down to pull Kendrick off of Aries.

Flair complains about taking off his watch and having to tape up so he can beat up Sting. Sadly they don’t show him putting the blade under the tape.

Earlier tonight Ric Flair challenged Sting! Jeez, we’re not even at the halfway point yet and we’re recapping the beginning of the show.

Sting paces backstage.

Last week, Immortal & Mr. Anderson parted ways. Both of Anderson’s eardrums have been ruptured and he’ll be sidelined indefinitely. On the bright side, I bet life backstage would be much easier if your eardrums were ruptured and you couldn’t hear any of these clowns.

ODB & Jackie Moore are walking around backstage. ODB gets to take on Mickie next and apparently they’re being offered multi-year contracts? It’s weird how they were mad at Velvet Sky because she had a job, and now they’re always on TV & she isn’t.

Traci Brooks introduces herself to Eric Bischoff. She talks about how she was the Knockout Law a couple of years ago and it took a lot of pressure off of TNA Management at the time, so she was wondering if she could re-apply for that job. Bischoff seems interested in the idea, or at least he’s interested in Traci’s chest. You know I won’t blame the man for that.

Match 3: ODB (w/Jackie Moore) vs. Mickie James

Mickie gets her title shot against Winter on the September 1 edition of Impact. ODB gets the early advantage with shoulder blocks, but Mickie fights back, snap mare followed up by a seated dropkick for two. ODB gets the fall away slam, then does the kipup & the Boom thing. ODB is solidly in control, Mickie bounces off her on a shoulder block & ODB gets a two count. She drives Mickie into the corner. Bearhug by ODB. Mickie fights out, a sunset flip goes nowhere, but Mickie does get a dropkick, then a neck breaker leads to both girls being down. Both kipup at the same time. They exchange forearms. Clotheslines by Mickie. ODB whips Mickie into the corner but she eats a boot. ODB knocks Mickie off the apron & onto the floor. Jackie is not attacking Mickie like she usually does to ODB’s opponents. Thez press off the top by Mickie! ODB blocks the DDT, she splashes Mickie in the corner but misses the broncobuster. There’s the DDT & there’s the three count.

Winner: Mickie James (about six minutes)
Pretty decent contest from the ladies here. Good back & forth offense & Mickie looked motivated.

Jackie shows Mickie respect. I guess she read Booker T’s tweets about the Young Bucks yesterday.

Winter talks to Angelina Love about the electricity she feels holding the Knockouts title. It’s almost sensual. She runs down Mickie James & talks about how Angelina will be there and have her back while Mickie has no one. To be honest I wasn’t really paying attention as I was busy thinking about Terra Calaway’s girl crush on Winter. Sorry, folks!

Match 4: Bound For Glory Series Match: Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles

Hey, this could actually be really good if it gets a little time! Maybe if AJ is lucky he can pass Matt Morgan in the standings. Jerry Lynn is ringside for some reason. We get some nice back & forth action to start, with no clear advantage for either man. Styles lands the first big move with his dropkick. Backbreaker by Styles gets two. Slam by Styles, knee drop gets a two count. Lots of chops on this show. Monkey flip by RVD sends Styles flying high in the sky. Rolling Thunder by RVD! Two count. And Jerry is now up on the apron to complain about the count. RVD tells him to calm down. RVD with a spinning heel kick, he goes up top but AJ crotches him on the top turnbuckle. AJ follows him up…RVD blocks the superplex & shoves AJ down to the mat. 5-Star Frog Splash hits nothing but knees! AJ covers for a close two count. AJ motions for the Styles Clash, RVD backdrops him out of it. Styles Peles RVD & covers…but Lynn pulls the referee out of the ring! The referee disqualifies RVD!

Winner by DQ: AJ Styles (about six minutes or so)
Not the quality you’d expect from these guys if it was a PPV or something, but it was decent enough for TV. Of course the ending stunk, but that’s the storyline they’re building so what can ya do.

AJ gains 3 points & RVD loses 10.

AJ is not impressed with Jerry, and RVD is really not impressed. Somebody really needs to tell Jerry the rules of the Bound For Glory series before RVD falls below Samoa Joe in the standings.

I was looking up Jackie Moore’s age for the Ashter and it sounded like Eugene was talking. Turns out it was RVD complaining about Jerry Lynn costing him points. Now, when were RVD & Jerry ever the best of friends anyway? That’s my main beef with this storyline, they’ve never really associated with each other outside of the wrestling ring before.

Flair wanders around backstage like he’s Matt Hardy looking for a ghost. Sting’s making some noise. I guess. And there’s Sting. Of course the second he pops up, Gunner attacks Sting from behind. That doesn’t work well, and Flair declares Gunner fired. Boy, I’m sure this will get Gunner over. Sting beats him up some, throws him into some walls. Good times. Sting tells Gunner that he will go somewhere someday. The moral of the story here is that in TNA, the older you are, the tougher you are. If Mae Young ever arrives in the Impact Zone, everybody’s screwed.

Eric Young is in a car in Los Angeles. The end-all be-all is Scott Baio. He’s on the list. What list? Hell if I know? Eric tries to wrestle a random woman. He asks a TMZ cameraperson where Scott Baio is, and the cameraperson sends him to the golf course.

It looks like EY will find Baio next week. Thank God I’m not recapping next week, but I might have to talk about it on a podcast. Oh who am I kidding, Larry wouldn’t lower himself to talking about Young vs. Baio.

Promo Time

Crimson makes his way into the Impact Zone with a noticeable limp. I guess they don’t pay him enough to afford crutches. It’s been a long week of pain & thinking (goes hand in hand for some of these people). He used to have a lot of respect for somebody, but now they have some personal issues they need to discuss. He asks Kurt Angle to come on down, and the TNA Champion obliges. Crimson reminds Angle of how he promised to eliminate all of the young guys. Crimson was his first target, and the mission failed because he’s right there, standing in front of Kurt & pissed off. Kurt appreciates Crimson’s respect, but he can’t return it. Crimson is nobody going nowhere. They brought Kurt in to make him. Without Kurt, Crimson is an uncoordinated, green-ass bitch. Kurt’s been making people his whole career, and they know who they are. Where’s it gotten him? Spit on, kicked in the balls & disrespected. Crimson claims that none of them have ever disrespected him. The young guys put Kurt on a pedestal, it was their honor to compete with him. Guys like Crimson can’t shine Kurt’s gold medal. When he looks at Crimson he sees nothing. Crimson’s not going anywhere in this business. Crimson begs to differ. He’ll be somebody, he already is. If Kurt wants to find out who he is, he’ll meet Crimson in the ring next week. He’ll show Kurt why Crimson is the Here & the Now. He’s real, he’s damn real. Nyuck nyuck nyuck.

I gotta say, I’m with Kurt here. Later on it’s announced that Kurt will take on Crimson on next week’s show.

Mexican America promises to make history tonight in their final match with Beer Money for the tag team titles.

Jeff & Karen Jarrett join Tenay & Taz at the announce table for the main event, presented by 5 Hour Energy. What happened to the commercials with the hot chick complaining about her weight? I hated the concept, but I do miss the girl.

Match 5: TNA World Tag Team Title Match: Tag Team Champions Beer Money Inc. (Robert Roode & James Storm) vs. Mexican America (Anarquia & Hernandez w/Rosita & Sarita)

They’re bleeping “AAA” when they talk about Jarrett‘s title belt he carries around. Odd. The canned heat for Mexican America is pretty noticeable. Roode & Anarquia start, Roode takes him down early, Anarquia shoulder blocks Roode down, but Roode enters with an elbow. Roode stomps him down in the corner. Tag to Storm, they send Anarquia into the corner, Roode shoulder blocks him, Storm covers for two. Storm with a nice combination for two. He sends Anarquia into the corner while JJ names luchadores. Hernandez gets in a cheap shot & Anarquia takes advantage. Tag to Hernandez, a double team puts Storm down for the two count. Hernandez runs into Storm & Storm goes down for a two count. Double shoulder block by Mex-Am gets two while the announcers talk about the Guerreros. Storm’s attempt at a tag is cut off. Storm finally gets the tag and Roode cleans house. He tears Hernandez’s shirt for some chops. Anarquia breaks up the pin attempt. Roosde monkey flips Anarquia into a Storm DDT. Double suplex by…

BEER!

MONEY!

Rosita enters the ring and antagonizes Beer Money for reasons only known to her, so Karen runs down to defend her. This brings Jeff down as well, and the distraction allows Anarquia to toss Storm over the top rope. Roode with a spine buster! Sarita distracts the ref, so Hernandez wipes Roode out with the belt, and history has been made in the Impact Zone!

Winners & New Tag Team Champions: Mexican America (about seven minutes)
OK match. A pretty typical TNA main event with decent enough action and lots of people running down for the finish.

Jeff & Karen join the party with Mexican America as the Mexican flag blocks the crowd from seeing anything. Roode & Storm look forelorn as we fade to black. So long & good night, everybody!