411’s UWF on ESPN Classic Report 01.11.08

Aaaaaand we’re back with more UWF action. I apologize for the deal this time around, but my priority on Thursday nights remains writing about TNA, so Herbie Abrams’ boys had to take a back seat. I’m here now, though, and I’m ready for more hot Ivan Koloff action!

Episode One (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on 10/15/90)

Match Numero Uno: B. Brian Blair vs. Rikki Ataki

It’s mat wrestling and racism early on, as Blair slaps on a hammerlock and Herb Abrams talks about how he thinks that Japan needs more gyms. Rikki tries to show up his opposition by grabbing the ropes off of a Blair Irish whip, but the Killer Bee blasts him and sends him to the floor. Ataki is suplexed back in to the squared circle and hit with the Bee’s knee. He starts to make a comeback with an inverted atomic drop and some blatant choking on the ropes, but Blair catches him off guard with a strike and nails a lariat. A powerslam is next from Brian, and the sharpshooter finishes off Ataki.

Match Thoughts: I don’t try to pretend that I know what’s going on in wrestlers’ heads during a match, but dear god did B. Brian Blair look like he didn’t give a damn what was happening in the ring on this particular evening. His performance was the very definition of “going through the motions,” and the sharpshooter that he applied looked more like a gentle caress of Rikki’s legs than a submission hold.

Bob Orton, Jr. is in Captain Lou’s Corner. Sadly, Orton is lacking the lime green title belt from 1992. Albano puts over the Cowboy’s ability to suplex people, while Orton asks Captain Lou how a man who’s just a couple of years older than Ace can get so fat. Orton starts talking about Nikita Koloff, and a full minute goes by before Albano finally comes up with a comeback to Orton’s weight-based insult. He then randomly walks off camera for fifteen seconds before coming back in to the shot. Lou also called himself an idiot somewhere in the interview, using the old line about putting his brain in to a pigeon and watching it fly backwards. THIS. WAS. AWESOME. The entire thing came off like Albano packed as many stimulants in to his body as possible prior to the promo, while Orton did the same thing with depressants. Go out of your way to see this interview.

Billy Jack Haynes is addressing us after a commercial break. He’s here for the toughest competition in the universe. Well, I’m sure that he’ll run in to some little green men if he gets his hands on whatever Captain Lou ingested prior to the Corner.

Match Numero Dos: Billy Jack Haynes vs. Larry Ludden

Ludden asks for a test of strength, so Haynes punches him in the stomach. Helluva babyface right there. Billy Jack gets in a back body drop and a slam as Bruno and Abrams argue about what, if anything, Haynes will learn from this match against Ludden. A lengthy chinlock is next, and Abrams starts to argue with Sammartino about how frequently Bruno used that move during his career. Sammartino says that he didn’t employ it all that frequently, and I’d be willing to bet that he knows more about his matches than Herb freakin’ Abrams does. As I was typing that sentence, a three count was registered, and I had no clue what it resulted from. A replay shows Haynes hitting a legdrop but not any ensuing pinfall, so I’m guessing that the ref screwed up and counted three when Haynes didn’t want him to.

Match Thoughts: Billy Jack has been better in his UWF squashes than I ever remember him being elsewhere, but tonight was mangled by what I can only assume was a premature ending of the match by the official. It’s a shame, because I was looking forward to Haynes’ jobber-killing German suplex and his awkward second rope offense. Oh well, maybe next time.

Match Numero Tres: Paul Orndorff vs. Steve Williams

Dr. Death ambushes Orndorff at the bell, beating the holy hell out of him in the corner with rights and a boot to the throat. He misses a charge out of the three point stance, though, allowing Orndorff to get a quick rollup for two. An Orndorff sunset flip also fails as we go to our first commercial break. When we come back, Dr. Death is working over Mr. Wonderful’s leg, slamming the limb in to the ring apron and dropping elbows on it. Orndorff starts to mount a comeback with elbows and a clothesline, but he misses a kneedrop. This does more damage to his bad leg, but he continues to reel off punches at the big Oklahoman. Paul runs in to a boot, though, and the abdominal stretch is applied by Williams. Orndorff goes to the eyes to escape and delivers ten punches in the corner, which Bruno tries to put over as a dangerous highspot. It turns out that Bruno is right, because Williams takes advantage of his opponent’s position to hit him low. That’s not a disqualification for whatever reason. Dr. Death then goes to work on the kidneys and applies a bearhug, which Orndorff escapes with the ear clap. The cameraman gets in good and tight on that move as well, just to make it clear that no part of Orndorff’s body came anywhere near Williams’ ears. Paul then kicks Williams low, causing Dr. Death to roll to the floor. Orndorff follows him and grabs a rope, which he uses to choke the former Varsity Club member. Again, there’s no disqualification. We do get a double count out, though.

Match Thoughts: Well, these guys were the two most talented wrestlers on the UWF roster at the time (with the possible exception of Orton), so it’s no surprise that putting them in to the ring together resulted in the best match shown on ESPN Classic thusfar. Hell, it’s the only match on ESPN Classic thusfar that has even begun to approach “good.” Time constraints and the cheap finish kept it from being anywhere near as awesome as it could have been, but, while it lasted, it was an enjoyable, hard hitting affair. The two eventually went on to have a steel cage match against each other in the promotion, and I can only hope that contest eventually makes the airwaves. It’s not a great match from what I recall, but it’s probably the best that we’ll ever get out of Abrams and company.

The show closes with Luna Vachon and her tag team the Blackhearts. (One of whom is David “Gangrel” Heath, who would go on to become her husband not long after their time together in the UWF.) Luna channels Kevin Sullivan and cuts an out there promo about roadkill, sacrificing cats, and demons from the other side. She still made worlds more sense than Lou Albano did earlier in the show.

Episode Two (Footage originally aired as part of UWF Fury Hour on 11/12/90 & 7/91)

Match Numero Uno: Colonel DeBeers vs. Rikki Ataki

Ataki’s armbar is ineffective early, as DeBeers quickly escapes it and gets in a knee. After that he hits a freaking ENZUGUIRI, which was the last move I expected to see out of the forty-five year old Colonel. A double stomp is next, but Ataki fires back by ramming his opponent’s head in to the turnbuckle, after which DeBeers does the Flair flop. The South African goes to his opponent’s eyes to turn things back in his favor, but he quickly finds himself the victim of an Alabama Jam from the jobber. Ataki showboats instead of going for the cover, and that proves to be his undoing. Colonel gives him the avalanche knee from the second rope and a DDT to wrap things up.

Match Thoughts: Okay, I think we have a new contender for “Best UWF Squash.” I have no clue why these two decided to work so hard in a throwaway television match, but Ataki busting out a top rope legdrop and the surreal visual of a 70’s style wrestler executing the back brain kick made me giddy with excitement. Well, at least it did at 1:30 in the morning. I don’t know what effect it would have if viewed at a time when I have all of my mental faculties about me.

Match Numero Dos: Don Muraco vs. Terry Cooley

The Magnificent Muraco makes his ESPN Classic debut! Cooley is massive. Seriously, he looks like he could pass himself off as Headhunter C. Muraco takes down the big man early with a drop toe hold and lays on top of him for a while. That supposedly constitutes offense. Cooley gets the ropes and forces a break of the non-hold, after which he hits some shoulders in the corner and an avalanche. Muraco rallies with a back body drop, but shoulderblocks don’t get him anywhere. A cross body does take Cooley off of his feet, though, and it also leads to the three count.

Match Thoughts: Between this and the Bob Orton vs. Midnight Star match from yesterday, I’m trying to figure out what the UWF’s obsession was with booking their stars in matches against job guys who were significantly larger than them. It never looks good, because the name wrestler winds up having to sell for too much of a match in which he should just be plowing through his opponent. At least Muraco was smart enough to keep the bout short given the circumstances.

Match Numero Tres: B. Brian Blair w/ Honey & Captain Lou Albano vs. Louie Spicolli

According to the commentary, there is some sort of issue between Blair and Bob Orton at this point, though we haven’t actually seen it air. Spicolli is absolutely svelte compared to what he would become later in his career, though his nickname of “Cutie Pie” needs to go. Blair shoves him out of the ring early and then suplexes him back in. Jesus, how many times am I going to have to see that spot on this show? A slam is next from the future Florida politician, but he misses an elbow and gets choked. Louie attempts a second rope elbow but fails, which leaves him open to a series of jabs and a Mr. Wrestling #2 kneelift. The powerslam and the sharpshooter again finish things off for Blair.

Match Thoughts: Though he was being used as enhancement talent, Spicolli looked worlds better than most of the other job guys making the rounds on UWF television, as he was actually capable of taking some decent bumps and running the ropes without coming off as an absolute tool. Veteran WWF job guy Ataki is probably the only person on these shows who has wrestled better squashes. Blair, on the other hand, was just there. I know that he has the ability to put on a fine match when he’s motivated to do so, but that motivation again appeared to be lacking.

Match Numero Cuatro: David Perry vs. JR James w/ Bobby Rogers

This match is from a TV taping that took place on a July 20, 1991 taping and reportedly aired the same month, though I don’t have the exact date of the Fury Hour episode it was on. All of the other matches on this show have been from the November 12, 1990 Fury Hour. Also, I don’t know if the Bobby Rogers at ringside is the same Bobby Rogers who worked Florida indies throughout the 1990’s. (Real name Mike Rapuano.) If it is, the guy went on to lead quite the bizarre life. He has reportedly attempted to sell his kidney on eBay, claimed to be a former WWF Lightheayvweight Champion, and offered to have one of his fingers cut off on an ECW pay per view. He even spent a couple of years in prison for defrauding credit card and communications companies. Professional wrestling certainly attracts some unique characters, doesn’t it?

Anyway, on to the match. The two men fight over lockups early, after which Perry lands some punches and a decent looking dropkick. James responds with a flying back elbow, and the announcers are completely ignoring the action in the ring to talk about how great Herb Abrams is for giving new wrestlers chances. James drops a leg when the commentary teamm gets back to calling the match, and then Perry gives him a clothesline. There is an unexplained but disgusting looking brown stain in the middle of the canvas. Maybe they had Sid wrestling a title match in there earlier. Perry’s momentum is briefly cut off when he gets distracted by James’ manager, but he ultimately hits the superkick and get the victory.

Match Thoughts: I’ve never seen or heard of David Perry outside of these UWF shows. In his prior outing on ESPN Classic, he looked like he could be a pretty decent firey babyface with a couple of good looking athletic spots and decent comebacks. Well, either his prior match was an unusually good Perry bout or this match was an unusually bad one, because he looked like nothing special here. I suppose I’ll have to wait for a third Perry match to come around before I finally make a judgment about the guy’s level of talent.

Match Numero Cinco: Steve Ray vs. Ivan Koloff

And now we’re back to the November 12, 1990 show for god knows what reason. Ray gets a hiptoss and an armdrag early on, and a few members of the crowd are actually chanting “Wild Thing” at him. Steve gets Koloff off his feet and teases kicking him a kick in the abdomen but for some reason decides to let him up instead. Ivan offers him a handshake but kicks Ray in the gut as expected. Back rake! Koloff then moves in to biting his opponent, and he tries to toss him to the floor. Ray’s leg gets tied up in the ropes, though, and Koloff chokes the beach boy as he hangs there. The referee spends a comically long amount of time trying to free Ray, and it gets so bad that Ivan actually walks over and attempts it as well. Koloff then tries to use a chair on the floor, but he misses and gets rolled in to the squared circle. Ray connects with a back body drop and a dropkick before trying for the ten punches in the corner. Ivan escapes, only to be dropkicked and clotheslined for two. A suplex is next for Steve, but it also fails to get the job done. The surfer hits a cross body block from the top rope, but Uncle Ivan rolls through and scores the three count.

Match Thoughts: The opening of the match wasn’t terrible, and the close of the match wasn’t terrible. The middle segment, though, was a true comedy of errors. I began laughing uproariously when both the referee AND Ivan Koloff repeatedly failed to free Steve Ray from his position in the ring ropes, and I really didn’t stop for the rest of the match. At least the bout managed to elicit some kind of emotional reaction from me, which is more than I can say for the majority of the UWF main events that we’ve seen thusfar.

Overall

This was, without a doubt, the best block of UWF television so far, both in terms of intended and unintended quality. As previously noted, the Orndorff vs. Williams contest was probably as close to a good professional wrestling match as we’ll ever get out of these shows, and the squash featuring DeBeers and Ataki had some surprisingly exciting moments. On the unintentional comedy side of the coin, we had the screwy finish in the Billy Jack Haynes match, Steve Ray hanging upside down for an uncomfortably long period of time, and the gloriously wacked out Lou Albano/Bob Orton promo. If you’re a wrestling fan with a TiVo and you’re not programming it to record this stuff, something is wrong with you.

Reader Feedback

Fellow chronic insomniac Eddie Chicago wants to talk Dan Spivey and Bob Orton:

Dan Spivey looked like a beast. My only real exposure to him was with the Skyscrapers, and he was always overshadowed by Sid. And Orton’s promo was really good. He stumbled a few times but it seemed real, not SHOOT BS, just he was feeling what he said.

There were always rumors circulating that Dan Spivey was originally considered for the Kane gimmick in the WWF but that he couldn’t accept the role because his knees were shot by that point in his career. If he were put in the gimmick and booked as half of the monster that the UWF tried to make him out to be, he probably would’ve been a success. I almost feel bad for the guy, because everything I’ve heard about his career makes him sound like one of those wrestlers who was always moments away from getting a big push, only for something to go wrong at the last minute.

Oh, and I would be remiss in not mentioning his late 1990’s attempt at becoming a male model, which produced great photographs like this one:

Just be glad I spared you the shot in which he was wearing nothing but a speedo.

JLAJRC was also captivated by Cowboy Bob, but he’s got a more pressing question on his mind:

I’m actually enjoying this show, although there is usually nothing else on that this hour. Ryan, have you thought about doing a TNA-style rant on this show as fun one-off? Dan Spivey would look more intimidating if he wasn’t dressing like Brutus Beefcake. It was kinda weird seeing Bob Orton as a face. He seemed practically jolly and giddy during his promo.

I don’t think that my TNA format would work on the UWF shows, unfortunately. My style of TNA review works for Impact because the show is full of overly complicated storylines and nonsensical promos that can be ridiculed in detail. Though the UWF shows are bad, they’re bad in an entirely different way that I think lends itself more to the format that I’m currently using. There aren’t really any plots to dissect or angles that are failing to properly build to pay per views. It’s just lousy wrestling matches and the occasional promo from a man with little to no comprehension of the English language.

And that’ll do it for January 11. Yes, I should be back with more of the same tomorrow. Until then, be sure to add me as a friend on MySpace to get a bulletin notification every time that I post a new column here on 411.