The RAWtopsy 03.14.05

Mail bag:

What’s with all the Randy mail? For some reason he’s a hot topic this week.

Why is it that you smark faggots hate on Randy Orton all the time? Everytime I see him come out the audience chears for him louder then anyone else but maybe John Cena or the Rock. it's dumbass "smart" fans that killed Randy's push. And all of a sudden I read a hole bunch of stories about how Randy isn't liked backstage. Bullshit! Why did he get the belt in the first place then? He's better at promos then Batista who you smarks cum all of yourself for. He's a better wrestler too. Batista will suck at mania and you'll all turn on him too. Just wait. Your all just jealous because he can fuck any girl he wants and you worthless bastards have to jerk off to Cristie Heme. A year from now Randy will be making the WWE millions and I'm gonna laugh at all you cock sucking neighsayers. No one cares what you guys think anyway!

Jerry 3:16

-I can only assume this is meant for Randle and not me. He’s the one who calls Randy “dorkboy.” Personally, I have no problem with Randy, but I don’t blame those who do.

-There’s enough blame to go around for Orton’s failed push. I’d say he and the booking committee are at about 50/50. They couldn’t decide whether he was a hero or an anti-hero. They tried to ram him down the throats of the fans once he had even the slightest hint of a following. For his part, the infamous Sept. 6 “ape promo” didn’t help things. It was on the level of some bad Comedy Central Presents hack. “Ya ever notice how Triple H drives his car like this, while Ric Flair drives his car like this.”

-Getting laid does not mean you’re good at your job. Look at Fred Durst. Voted worst band in multiple publications last year. Last album tanked. Still fucks supermodels…sometimes for up to three minutes.

-The fans turned on Orton and embraced Batista. It’s hard to dispute that for any honest person who saw the Royal Rumble. They were actively cheering for Triple H in that match with Orton. It wasn’t just there either. Orton would blow the roof off the place one night and get jeered the next. You just can’t have that kind of inconsistency in a champion. Look at the major names and you’ll find they rarely get a response they don’t want (outside of Shawn Michaels for obvious reasons and any babyface in the Tri-State area).

-For another example, just look at how ready they were to boo Orton last week when he challenged Undertaker.

-So, while I think Orton has a lot of potential, I think he has a lot of room to grow both as a wrestler and as a person (foreshadowing next question).

Hey, I heard that Randy Orton got into trobble for shitting in Amy Webber's bag and that's the reson she quit. Is that true?

[Name withheld by request]

The rumor I heard was that he poured a drink on Amy Weber and left a nice little surprise in Rochelle Loewen’s travel bag after she blew him off (I mean rejected him). No idea if either of those are true or not, but Amy left in a huff for some reason.

Btw, Rochelle, if he did leave a giant turd in your bag, you might want to consider putting it on E-bay. I think that Jerry 3:16 guy would give you at least $50.

And also…which one is Rochelle?

So, what do you think will be the fallout from the whole Lita/Matt/Edge fiasco?

I’ve heard a lot of people say that it will not affect anything, but it already has if you believe that Matt was going to be the sixth man in the Money in the Bank ladder match, a situation that makes infinitely more sense than having Kane in there.

Long term, it will probably affect the draft lottery after WrestleMania. Even after they all cool off, I can’t imagine the WWE wanting to keep all three of them together in the same locker room (and yes, I know Lita doesn’t dress in the men’s locker room. It was metaphorical).

It’s an unfortunate situation for all three. Matt looks like a sap, Lita looks like a slut, and Edge looks like Ross Gellar after another failed marriage.

WWE Raw — 03/14/05

Live from Atlanta, Ga.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

We open with the Highlight Reel and Chris Jericho’s special guest – a sixteen-foot ladder. He’s going to reach the Holy Grail (neep) and become champion once ug-gain. He also wants to talk to Randy Orton about his challenge to the Undertaker. Orton says he wants to be a Hall of Famer one day, and to do that, he needs to beat the Undertaker at Mania. Mixed reaction (along gender lines, it sounds like). Jericho brings down another man who took on the Undertaker at WrestleMania – Jake “the Snake” Roberts. HOLY SHIT! He looks pretty bad, but who cares. IT’S JAKE ROBERTS! He’s out to do a favor for Randy’s father. He threatens to shut Randy’s mouth because he’s talking out his ass. Randy goes into full heel mode, asking Jake how he felt after jobbing to the Taker. Jake gets sick of him and goes for the bag. Randy tries to stop him, so Jake delivers a weak clothesline and goes for the DDT. Randy counters to the RKO and leaves Jake laying. Randy’s now pretty clearly a heel again. Let’s face it, that’s what he’s best at.

Handicap Match: Kane vs. Christian & Tyson Tomko.

Christian jumps Kane to start, but Kane presses him to a flapjack. Kane catches him for a powerslam, but Tomko breaks it up. Tomko comes in and “hits” some right hands. Tomko hangs Kane off the top rope, setting up a Christian reverse DDT. Christian tries to crotch Kane on the ringpost, but Kane pulls him into it instead. Christian walks back up the ramp and watches Kane dominate the rest of the way. He delivers a flying clothesline and finishes Tomko with the chokeslam. Christian comes back down to the ring and pulls out a ladder. Kane chases him away and gets some payback on Tomko for last week. 1/2*

Elsewhere, Ric Flair convinces Gene Snitsky that if Batista were to get hurt tonight, it wouldn’t be his fault.

Lita gives Christy Hemme some advice. In fact, she’s convinced Regal and Tajiri to help train her. Regal pisses her off, and she accidentally kicks him in the nads. Anytime Regal gets to make that face is a good segment. Next week he’ll teach her how to say, “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.”

Marty FUCKING Janetty makes nice with Shawn Michaels, and they decide to reform the Rockers and take on La Res. “Sorry I threw you through that window, Marty.” “Marty’s not here, man.” Best Raw of 2005 already.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Edge.

Edge jumps him on the apron and throws him into the Raw entrance sign. He strangles Shelton with his coat. FECAL POWER~! Edge takes him down to ringside and whips him into the ringsteps. Edge pounds on Shelton and has to be pulled off by the ref. The bell finally rings, and Edge knocks Benjamin to the floor. We come back from commercial to Edge trying to set up a suplex. Benjamin shoves him off and delivers a flying clothesline for two. Edge runs right into a forearm. Benjamin surprises him with a shoulderblock. Benjamin flails away at Edge and knocks him down with a right. Benjamin delivers a sunset flip off the top for two. He tries a springboard move, but Edge catches him and powerslams him. Benjamin leg whip nails the referee instead. Edge goes for the Impaler, countered to a T-Bone attempt by Benjamin. Edge counters that to the Spear and pulls out the ladder. Jericho comes out of nowhere and see-saws the ladder into Edge’s face. Edge stumbles into a T-Bone suplex as the ref recovers. ONE, TWO, THREE. Pretty good, but it’s hard to get a feel for it because of the middle portion being cut by the commercial break. **3/4

“Invasion Iowa” looks interesting. It would be better if Bill sang “Rocketman.”

The Rockers vs. La Resistance.

Why am I not recording this! They even use the old Rockers music! Of course, it just makes it sound like Paul London is coming out, but that’s neither here nor there. Ross calls Janetty a young man. Oh, that wacky JR. Janetty gets a float over armdrag and then a regular one. Grenier misses a charge, and Janetty gets another armdrag. The Rockers get their double hiptoss but botch the kip-ups. The Rockers clear the ring to a big pop. DOUBLE PLANCHAS! Conway finally pulls the ropes down, sending HBK over the top to the floor. La Res takes over with their offense, which would normally be okay but people (and I ) want to see the Rockers kick ass again. Marty makes the save on a cover. Conway delivers a reverse elbow on Shawn. Shawn suddenly delivers the flying forearm and kips up. He sends the champs into one another and makes the HOT TAG to Marty. Marty takes on the champs and delivers the Rocker Dropper to Grenier. Shawn stops Conway with Sweet Chin Music, and the Rockers get the win. Marty looked decent, considering his age. **1/4

You know, that last match just made me think of what a tragic waste Marty was in the 1990’s. He and Shawn were virtually equal in talent in 1992. Imagine if we had two guys wrestling at HBK’s level in the 1990s.

Flair tries to give Triple H a pep talk by reminding him of how Benoit made him tap like a little bitch.

Trish Stratus says she doesn’t sweat Lita because she ended her career. Trish says she’ll get Hannibal Lector to train her because she’s going to eat Christy alive. Trish takes out Maria to make her point.

Snitsky gets psychoed up as Ric Flair asks him if he’s ready to break some body parts. Batista sneaks up behind Flair and tells him he’s going to take Triple H’s championship.

Snickers now has commercial featuring Ric Flair.

Triple H vs. Chris Benoit.

I can only assume that since this is Benoit’s “hometown” that he’ll be returning the job. Call it the Booker T rule. Jerry repeats the “Triple H has never beaten Benoit” meme. Twice, including Benoit’s WWF debut, Jerry. They do some nice wrestling. Wrestling? Benoit takes him down and goes for the Sharpshooter. Triple H makes it to the ropes, so Benoit slams the back of his head on the mat. Benoit bowls him over on a shoulderblock. He counters a hiptoss to a backslide attempt. Hunter powers him over, but Benoit lands on his feet and takes Triple H down into the Crippler Crossface. Hunter is in the ropes, so Benoit takes him down again. Triple H bails to think it over. Benoit chops him and sends him into the crowd barrier. Back in, Triple H knocks Benoit to the floor as we go to commercial. We come back to Triple H getting two off a spinebuster. During the break, Triple H sent Benoit into the steel ringsteps. Benoit takes the Hennig Bump to the corner. That gets two. Triple H sets him on top. Benoit headbutts him to the canvas and goes up. Triple H crotches Benoit on the ropes and delivers a SUPERPLEX! ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Crowd chants, “You suck!” at the Game. Triple H goes for the Pedigree, but Benoit counters to a slingshot. They trade chops, and that’s like tugging on Superman’s cape with Benoit. ROLLING GERMANS! Six of them! DIVING HEADBUTT! ONE, TWO, THRE–KICKOUT! Triple H blocks more Rolling Germans. Benoit chops Triple H in the corner. In a nice spot, Triple H starts to fall, but Benoit holds him up so he can give him more chops. Triple H reverses a whip, and Benoit takes the Bret Bump. Triple H kicks out of the Sharpshooter. Triple H goes for the Pedigree, but Benoit reverses to THE CRIPPLER CROSSFACE. Shades of one year ago! Triple H rolls through and gets out of it. Benoit gets MORE ROLLING GERMANS! He counters another Pedigree attempt to the Sharpshooter. Flair jumps on the apron, so Benoit releases the hold and goes after him. As a result, the ref throws Flair out of the match. Hunter takes the opportunity to hit a lowblow on Benoit and get the Pedigree for the win. Really good match with a relatively clean (albeit clichйd) ending. ****

Smackdown Rebound is JBL blowing up Cena’s title but failing to bring home the WWE Tag Titles.

“When Harry Met Sally” commercial with Kurt Angle and Christy Hemme. What makes it so funny is that it goes on and on like some Seth MacFarlane joke. Linda McMahon at the end was a nice touch.

Muhammed Hassan and Khosrow Daivari interrupt for some protestation. He says it is a joke that he’s not a part of WrestleMania. I don’t get it. They accidentally cue up Charlie Haas’ music as Hassan leaves. CHARLIE HAASAN, BITCHES! Hassan leaves without incident. What, no Duggan?

Christy makes Lita promise to show her how to beat “that bitch.” Lita runs into Snitsky who gives her a breathy welcome back.

Batista vs. Snitsky

Winner gets his first name back. Triple H and Flair come down to observe. It occurs to me that Snitsky deserves a great deal of credit for pulling Batista out of the doldrums. Remember, it was Snitsky who challenged Triple H for his title back in November, forcing Batista to step up and become a real monster. Of course, that’s also when he started getting really over. Batista no-sells a shoulderblock, and Snitsky demands Batista try one. Batista clotheslines him instead. Batista charges into a big boot. Snitsky goes to work on Batista’s legs, trying to cripple him. Snitsky delivers a nice pump-handle slam, but it only gets two. Batista makes the big comeback on the outside. Back in, he delivers a pair of corner clotheslines and gets a spinebuster. JR calls him the Sultan of Splat. Batista goes for the Demon Bomb, but Flair breaks it up for the DQ. They try to triple team him, but Batista makes his own save. They try again with chairs, but Kane makes the save. I’m assuming Kane vs. Batista next week just to drive a wedge. Yep, Triple H makes it official as he heads up the ramp. *

Final Thoughts: Easily the best Raw of 2005. It had wonderful nostalgia with Roberts and the Rockers. All the promos were spot on. The wrestling was pretty good, including one stellar match between Triple H and Benoit. They really are flooring the gas on the way to Mania.

J.D. Dunn