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Hey people, another episode of WWE Smackdown is upon us. I was pretty sick last week, and my physical health improved just in time for my mental health to kind of crater the last few days. Which is mostly my asking in advance for a little grace tonight if I’m off my game. This is a pre-taped episode of Smackdown so if you just want spoilers instead of the slog most pre-taped episodes are you can find them HERE. As for the card the main event is No Holds Barred match between CM Punk and Kevin Owens. Owens and Punk had the best match on Smackdown all year a couple months back so hopefully we get something similar here. Expect a lot of talking from Chelsea Green, Sami Zayn, Liv Morgan will probably be here to make everything worse, and some hype package for Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton. Last week Finn Balor brought the Demon persona back out to scare Gunther so expect them to interact again. Damian Priest is beefing with small tag wrestlers while they figure out what to do with him as a heel, Trick Williams might actually remember he has the US title, Jacy Jayne might remember she has the women’s US title as well. The tag division is still ass, but they’re half-assing MFT vs. Bakusai tonight with Shinsuke Nakamura against Tama Tonga. Still no Jordynne Grace, still no word on Drew McIntyre though at this point he’s probably just waiting for the Rumble to return. So we’ve got a pre-taped go home show for Crown Jewel, meaning it’s getting all kinds of “graded on a curve” when it’s all said and done. But hopefully the action is good.

First up is a hype video for CM Punk vs. Kevin Owens, so we’re salting for time a lot tonight is my guess.

Joe Tessitore and Wade Barrett are on commentary.

Oh hey, a RAW recap of Sami Zayn and Roman Reigns saying the same old crap to each other.

After that here comes WWE champion and slightly rotten bag of potatoes Sami Zayn to talk more at us. Sami does his usual schtick to start, they don’t even bother dubbing in a crowd reaction for him. Sami goes back to whining about Roman overlooking him, how he’s been overlooked forever, and how now that he’s got the trinket around his waist he doesn’t like it anymore. He goes on for a bit until Jimmy Uso of all people interrupts him. Jimmy’s got a mic, he recaps the history between him and Sami and says it’s taking all his restraint not to drop Sami. 946 is taking all of the Bloodline out and Sami did nothing but be a selfish bitch. Sami says in another world he might be with them, but he’s WWE champion. He thought Jimmy would understand Sami’s position more than anyone. Jimmy was the first one to kick Sami after Sami whacked Roman with a chair. Sami’s just doing what he has to do to get the respect he deserves. Buddy, you’ve got more than you deserve if we’re actually keeping track. Jimmy calls out Sami’s selfishness and warns him Roman is going to beat him at Crown Jewel but Roman does respect him. That makes Sami happy, he wants Roman obsessing about him and tells Jimmy to tell Roman he’ll see him in Saudi. You know, assuming no major attacks. Speaking of attacks the 946 jump Jimmy. Sami, still a selfish coward, watches and just leaves as Jimmy gets obliterated with an Ultimate Spinebuster and the double Samoan Drop. Oh and here’s Carmelo Hayes to cap it off with a Nothing But Net. Man Sami’s just boring at this point, I get the chickenshit heel persona but there has to be at least something compelling going on either as a character or with a challenger and there’s just nothing. Anyway that sends us to break.

We come back to Sami talking with his stooges Johnny Gargano and Candice LeRae. Johnny wants a title match, Sami lies and says he appreciates them and will talk to Aldis. If this is supposed to turn Johnny face when Sami’s generally crappiness as a human is exposed it’s not going to work.

To the ring and here comes Shinsuke Nakamura along with Kyoki. Oh, Tama Tonga got the jobber’s entrance.

Match #1: Shinsuke Nakamura w/ Kyoki vs. Tama Tonga w/ Talla Tonga and Haku

Quick strikes from Nakamura early, Tama fights back with strikes. They trade blows for a bit then Tama drops Nakamura in the corner. Some more corner work from Tama, Nakamura fights back with kicks but Tama drops him with a lunging elbow. Some bad looking corner kicks from Tama then Nakamura lands a knee, sets Tama on the top rope and lands a running knee to the body. Nakamura gets a little more offense in before a Talla cheap shot on the floor sends us picture in picture.

Lots of ringside brawling from Tama then they head back into the ring. Tama with a rest hold that goes on for a really long time. Eventually Tama clubs Nakamura down as we rejoin the broadcast. Nakamura wakes up and lands a striking flurry. German suplex from Nakamura but he misses a flying nothing and Tama lands a Flatliner. Suplex from Tama then a kneeling Angels Wings for a 2 count. Man the crowd just does not care about this. Nakamura fights back with some elbows, then a knee to intercept a headbutt followed by a spinning kick. Inverted Exploder suplex, Nakamura wants the Kinshasa but Talla distracts him so Tama rolls up Nakamura for 2. Cutthroat from Tama but everything breaks down as Kyoki fights with Talla and Haku, then Nakamura lands the Kinshasa to pin and win.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Shinsuke Nakamura won in 8:59 or so

Rating: 1.5 stars
Thoughts: Slow, not super interesting, and completely heatless. I get that Nakamura is never going to be where I’d like him to be on the card but we can’t think of anything better than this for him to do?

In the back Jackie talks with CM Punk. Punk says Owens is more emotional about this than he is, he gets to wrap a chair around Owens’ head and that makes him happy. But he’s not happy about losing the WWE title to a midcarder like Sami (his words not mine). Punk is tired of the ex-girlfriend energy from Owens and he’s ending it tonight then getting his WWE title back. That sends us to break.

Post break here’s Gunther for promo time. Gunther denies being scared of the Demon last week, he was just weirded out. He was trying to do everyone a favor and dispose of Danhausen. Now everything he’s said about Finn Balor is true, his career is barely hanging on and if he had any dignity he’d just retire. Balor isn’t trying to work hard and squeeze the last drops out of his career he made friends with Danhausen, put on paint, and played along with his bullshit (profanity censored). He used to respect Balor but now Balor has embarrassed himself and this sport. Gunther wants the real Balor to come out and confront him, no smoke and mirrors, just Balor man to man. That does bring out Balor with a mic of his own. Balor walks and talks to the ring, he doesn’t know what he taps into to make the Demon. Maybe it is just paint along with smoke and mirrors, but last week it was Balor who smashed Gunther through a table. It was Gunther who looked scared. If Gunther wants the real Balor here he is, no paint, no smoke and mirrors, just Balor with a demon inside waiting to get out. And he’s done waiting. The brawl is on, Gunther with the early edge but Balor elbows him, low bridges him, and hits a plancha. Back in the ring Balor lands a gamen giri, heads up top but Gunther throws him off the top rope. Gunther wants a powerbomb but Balor counters into a Sling Blade then a John WOOO dropkick which sends Gunther scurrying out of the ring as Balor is perched on the top rope. Gunther retreats and Balor stands tall.

In the back Byron talks with Fatal Influence. Jacy Jayne says the truth hurts, Alexa Bliss and Tatum Paxley were jokes as champions. Lainey Reid says they’re ready for their title shot, Fallon Henley says they’ll beat B-Fab and Michin.

We’ll get that title shot after this break.

We come back to everyone in the ring.

Match #2 – Women’s Tag Team Title Match: (c) Michin and B-Fab w/ Jade Cargill vs. Fatal Influence (Lainey Reid and Fallon Henley) w/ Jacy Jayne

Reid and Michin start us off. They tie up, then both women pull hair so we get a clean break. They do several things in stereo, allegedly this is comedy. Next they trade pin attempts then Michin lands a dropkick. B-Fab tags in and Reid takes some tandem offense. Backstabber from Reid then she tags in Fallon. B-Fab now takes tandem offense, man they seem to have hired Dunn back with this cutting and editing. Fallon with some corner work but B-Fab fights back and hits a sliding clothesline. B-Fab cheap shots Reid, Fallon then hits an elbow and running boot before cheap shotting Michin. Punches are traded then we get a double clothesline spot and everyone’s down. Tatum Paxley shows up behind Jade, Alexa Bliss is behind Jayne and we get attacks off the apron to both of them. The former champs storm the ring and we get a No Contest.

OFFICIAL RESULT: No Contest in 3:28

Rating: DUD
Thoughts: A waste of time really, this was all about the post match angle which will rush us to an undeserved WarGames match because we just have to have two of those every year.

The heels beat down Bliss and Paxley, Bayley shows up to help them out but Jade pump kicks her down. Charlotte Flair’s music hits and she charges the ring but then stops dramatically to stare down Jade. Jade and Charlotte trade strikes, finally the crowd is a little awake at least. Everything breaks down again but, despite the numbers being against them, the faces stand tall.

Byron talks with Kevin Owens. Owens brings up that Punk was rattled by Owens bringing up that Punk is the source of his own drama. At the Performance Center Punk had Shawn Michaels throw him out when Owens was getting medical help. Punk shouldn’t be in NXT, that’s the future and Punk is anything but that. Owens and Punk are almost the past, and tonight Owens is going to try and send Punk there quicker than Punk would like. See you in the ring Phil. That sends us to break.

In the back Byron finds Charlotte, Bayley, Bliss, and Paxley. Charlotte lays down the WarGames challenge, despite them still being one person short.

To the ring, here’s Smackdown GM Nick Aldis. Aldis plays with the crowd a little bit then brings out WWE women’s champion Chelsea Green to hype up her getting beat by Liv Morgan tomorrow. Green gets a mic and Aldis says they’ve had ups and downs but he wants to tell her face to face that he respects her. We might have the greatest women’s roster in wrestling history and he’s proud of Green representing his brand. He’s giving Green the chance to respond to Liv from last week. Green reminds us of the time a few months ago when she cut that great promo and we all cared for a few minutes. She doesn’t always believe in herself, she’s only human and admits Liv’s words have gotten to her. I mean I’d say her booking was more to blame than Liv’s words but that’s me. She knows Liv isn’t the only one calling her a placeholder or a joke, and it hurts because she tells it to herself too. She fights the urge to doubt herself every single day. Maybe she shouldn’t admit that but it’s true, she always asks if she’s championship material. Aldis gasses her up and tries to get the crowd involved. Mixed results for that. Green appreciates that but still isn’t sure she belongs with all the legends who’ve held this title before her. She wants to leave a real legacy, and needs to beat Liv tomorrow to do that. If Liv beats her tomorrow it’ll prove Liv was right all along. But if she beats Liv this wasn’t a fluke, and she deserves to be here and will cement her place as a true champion. That brings out Liv and her profoundly terrible music. Liv has a mic, because God hates us, and walks and talks to the ring. She mocks Green, fumbles a few words, then says Green just won the belt in a ladder match. Green was just lucky that Rhea Ripley got injured. She says the people support Green because they see themselves in her, a talentless person. Green isn’t a champion, she’s just a charity case and tomorrow Liv is going to validate all of Green’s insecurity. Green, like a loser, just stands there and takes the verbal assault. Look, we’re all bored and sick of Liv but they’re giving Green nothing to fight back with.

Byron talks with Trick Williams and Lil Yachty. Trick expected to be a double champion tonight, but this isn’t the end of his story. He’ll be world champion eventually. Damian Priest’s name comes up, Yachty says Trick doesn’t care about an emo goth whatever. Trick is still US champion and anyone who’s got a problem with him can come find him.

After this break Damian Priest will kill poor Nathan Frazer.

We come back to Damian Priest getting his entrance, Frazer is already in the ring. Frazer tries a few suicide dives before Priest gets in the ring.

Match #3: Damian Priest vs. Nathan Frazer

25 minutes between matches, and that’s with a charitable definition of the women’s tag being a match. Frazer with some fast moves early, he’s trying to use speed and pace to mess with Priest. Priest eventually is done with this and punches Frazer flat. Knees from Priest then a release Flapjack. Priest wants a finish, but Frazer flips free and low bridges Priest. Frazer tries a suicide dive but Priest misdirects him into the barricade. Priest with a Razor’s Edge onto the announce table. The ref checks on Frazer and calls it.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Damian Priest won in 2:14

Rating: Butternut. . . SQUASH
Thoughts: Delicious squash, exactly what it needed to be. It’s just unfortunate that you put a squash match on a show with what’s going to be only one real match on it.

Axiom shows up and Priest rams him into the ring post and we head to break.

We come back to a recap of Cena’s announcements, I’m especially fond of how they’re locking voting in his tournament behind a paywall. Cena will be on Smackdown next week, if you care.

Next a hype video for Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton.

Commentary run down the Crown Jewel card for us.

CM Punk heads to the ring, followed by Kevin Owens.

Match #4 – No Holds Barred Match: CM Punk vs. Kevin Owens

They get right to striking, Punk lands a clothesline and some punches. Owens fights back but Punk responds with knees to the body then his corner knee, but Owens counters a Bulldog. Both men avoid finishers then Owens clotheslines Punk out of the ring. Owens follows and bounces Punk into the announce table. Punk fights back then goes under the ring for a table but Owens grabs a chair from beside Punk and lays into him with it. You know, I love Owens for playing with tropes, Punk was looking under the ring and Owens just grabbed something that was next to Punk. Owens punches Punk over the barricade and we’re brawling in the crowd. They walk and fight, Punk drives a wheelchair into Owens. Owens fights back and rams Punk into a camera. Punk upends a barricade and tosses Owens onto it. Mounted hammer fists from Punk for a bit, Owens then runs him into the railing. Owens throws Punk over a trashcan, Punk gets a leg tied up so Owens grabs his other leg and yanks him for a crotch splitter for a bit. They fight back to the ringside area, Punk leaps off the barricade with a clothesline to drop Owens. Punk grabs the ring steps, the top portion, and brains Owens with them before posing.

Punk wants a piledriver on the base of the steps but Owens yanks his legs and Punk drops onto the base. Now it’s Owens who gets the table, it’s got the Slim Jim logo on it so it’s going to get used, and sets it up on the floor. Back by Punk Owens grabs a chair and whacks Punk with it before grabbing another table. Owens sets up the second table, also branded, beside the first. Punk fights back with chair shots of his own then he throws a chair and Owens into the ring. Punk goes under the ring again and finds a trashcan, he throws it into the ring but Owens comes back to life and hits Punk in the head with it. Owens puts the can on Punk then hits it with a chair, Punk still covered in the can is in the corner and Owens crushes him with a cannonball senton. The crowd want him to do it again, Owens removes the can and trash talks before braining Punk again. Owens hauls Punk up and tries a powerbomb but Punk backdrops Owens onto the can. They fight to the floor and Punk unloads punches while both men fight up to the stage. Owens rams Punk into the big screen, then Punk avoids a powerbomb and hits a Go To Sleep. This isn’t falls count anywhere though. Punk heads out to grab a big metal flat cart and uses that to push the lifeless Owens back to the ring, and of course just launches things into the side of the ring.

Back into the ring now Punk goes up top, he finally removes his t-shirt, and hits the elbow drop for a 2 count. Anaconda Vice from Punk, Owens gouges the eyes to get free then bites at Punk. Owens wedges a chair in a corner then hits Punk with the second, but of course Punk rams Owens into the corner chair then follows up with a DDT onto a chair but Punk’s cover is incredibly poor so Owens can roll a shoulder up. Punk sends more chairs into the ring, quite a few of them, and covers Owens with them then goes up for another elbow but Owens rolls to the floor. Punk with another chair shot on the floor then he puts Owens on the announce table, climbs up to the barricade then hits an elbow drop through the table which breaks. Both men are selling their ribs for dear life now.

Punk sends Owens back into the ring, then he looks under the ring again and this time finds a length of chain. Back in the ring now Punk wraps the chain around his knee, he wants another Go To Sleep but Owens counters with a headbutt then a superkick. Owens up top and connects with a painful looking Swanton Bomb for a near fall. Next Owens sets up the chairs, all six of them seat to seat and that’s never good. Owens puts Punk up top, he wants a superplex onto the chair configuration but Punk fights free and drops to the floor. Punk sweeps the legs of Owens on the apron then Owens rams Punk into the ring post. Owens punches Punk onto the tables he set up earlier, then he goes up top but Punk gets away and heads into the ring. Now it’s Punk punching at Owens on the top rope, Punk lands a kick then throws Owens onto the chair contraption but only another near fall. I appreciate Punk knowing he couldn’t superplex Owens.

On the apron now Owens avoids a Go To Sleep but hits the Fisherman’s Buster off the apron through the tables on the floor and both men are down. Back in the ring Owens hits a Stunner but Punk kicks out. Owens jabs Punk in the face with the leg of a chair, then he sees a bit of the chain length. Owens wraps his fist with the chain, Punk a punch and hits Go To Sleep but Owens bounces off the ropes and murders Punk with the chain loaded fist then falls on top of him to collect the 3 count.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Kevin Owens won in 22:25

Rating: 4 stars
Thoughts: This was maybe a hair below their prior match, it had a lot more hardware but felt like there was just a little spark that the title match had that this didn’t. That said that’s splitting hairs between two incredible matches, this was a wonderful violent and hate fueled brawl. They’ve set a pretty high bar for themselves but their blow-off match could be absolutely incredible.

Owens slowly staggers to his feet as the episode comes to a close.