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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: Phil Herman’s Unearthed
Image Credit: Cheevies Film Productions
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #620: Phil Herman’s Unearthed
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never once thought about taking a trip to Bunker City, Montana, because there is no such place as Bunker City, Montana, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number six hundred and twenty, I take a look at the mega low-budget horror anthology flick Phil Herman’s Unearthed, which was released on home video in early December, 2024 and is available now to watch for free on the Tubi streaming platform.
Phil Herman’s Unearthed</
Phil Herman’s Unearthed (I’m not sure if it’s also known simply as Unearthed, although I don’t think it is simply because there are so many movies titled Unearthed but I could be wrong about that) is one of those mega-low-budget horror anthology flicks that is generally entertaining but entirely too long. The flick also has persistent soft sound, which makes it difficult to understand what people are saying and forces you to turn the sound way up on your television/laptop/phone/however the heck you watch movies on Tubi. Clocking in at around 105 minutes, Unearthed features four unconnected horror stories (the movie thinks they are connected and they sort of are but that connection is tenuous) that are “hosted” by a weird guy called Doom (played by Christopher Kahler). The “hosted” segments could probably be considered a fifth story, as at the very beginning of the movie we see Doom head out into the woods, dig up a coffin, open that coffin, and take an old book from a dead woman that decomposes on screen within seconds. Doom then takes that book to a room where he looks into the camera and starts telling stories from that book. When the movie ends, it sure seems like Doom returns to the woods to maybe rebury that book in that coffin that he dug up at the beginning. We don’t actually see Doom do that, but we do see him head back into the woods, so it’s probably not wrong to assume that that is what is happening. Of course, it’s also possible that Doom isn’t doing that at all (if this is the case, it’s a fine “real life” example of what Everett McGill’s Mr. Penn said in 1995’s Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, “Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups.”). And it’s also possible that I’m super wrong on the hosted Doom segments actually being a real story in the movie. It could be that the Doom segments are just “host” segments and that’s it.
The first segment is “The Ties That Bind,” directed by Derek Braasch, a story about two cops looking for a missing woman who went off into the woods for a hike alone and then disappeared. What happened to the missing woman? Was she kidnapped? Killed? Did she just disappear because that happens sometimes to people going hiking in the woods? As the cops investigate and put together a search party, the lead cop thinks the woman’s disappearance might have something to do with an old case that sent a potentially innocent man to prison. Maybe. As the story and the investigation continues, unexpected twists and turns develop and the reality of the missing woman isn’t what you expect.
The second segment is a sci-fi horror story called “Look Towards the Sky” (directed by Will Devokees) that is about possible alien abductions. Essentially, a woman’s brother, who has been missing for some time, reappears one night and claims that he was abducted by space aliens. As the woman’s brother tells his abduction story, the woman’s father engages in skepticism because, well, why wouldn’t he? When has anyone claiming to have been abducted by aliens ever come across as anything other than goddamn crazy? Of course, this being a sci-fi horror story that’s part of a mega low-budget horror anthology movie, space aliens are real, space aliens are abducting people, and alien spaceships are flying all over the place. But why is all of this happening? Why do space aliens want to abduct people? Just what the heck is really going on here? Just like “The Ties That Bind,” “Look Towards the Sky” doesn’t end the way you expect it to.
The third segment, directed by Marcelo Fabani, is “Clean House” and will likely divide audiences as it’s done entirely in Spanish with no subtitles. “Clean House” is all about a woman that is possessed by some sort of demon and a priest that is brought in to deal with that possession. Again, just like the previous two segments, “Clean House” doesn’t play exactly like you expect it to and contains some nifty surprises. It’s also the most visually complex segment in the movie, which is surprising considering the look of the previous two segments. Now, that isn’t to say that “The Ties That Bind” and “Look Towards the Sky” aren’t fun to watch and look at and whatnot, but “Clean House” looks and plays completely differently than the previous two segments. That difference is jarring. And while I would have liked subtitles so I could understand the dialogue, I think not having subtitles adds to the segment’s suspense. And it also helps that the actors in this segment give the best overall performances in the entire movie.
The fourth and final segment is “Highway Rivalry” and deals with a police investigation into a notorious serial killer, a woman that appears to have accidentally poisoned her jerkoff boyfriend, and a pickup truck driver that may or may not be that notorious serial killer that the cops are looking for. This segment also includes a supernatural element that somehow doesn’t quite work (it’s very hard to accept, at least it was for me) but makes you smile anyway because of how completely unexpected it is. Again, the supernatural element doesn’t really work, but I appreciate that director James Panetta and company tried it.
It’s at this point that you may be wondering why this movie isn’t titled Unexpected instead of Unearthed, as “weird stuff happening completely out of the blue” is far more prominent among the four segments than “unearthing” anything. My guess is that Unearthed sounds far more ominous than Unexpected and that movie mastermind Phil Herman and company wanted the movie’s potential audience to understand ahead of time that what they’re going to watch is a horror anthology. “Unexpected” seems to suggest something else. Even if all of that is true, I still think Unexpected would have been a better title. Unexpected suggests a playfulness that Unearthed just doesn’t. Of course, had the movie been titled Unexpected, it might have had to been called Phil Herman Presents: Unexpected!, and maybe Herman didn’t want to have an exclamation point in his title?
The movie’s overall soft sound is its biggest detriment. “Clean House” has better sound than the other three segments, but not by much. I just don’t understand why more emphasis and production value in general isn’t afforded to sound and sound design in indie genre cinema. Yes, it will cost the production more money, but if the audience can’t hear the dialogue in your movie and the overall sound is so damn low that you have to crank up the volume on your watching device, do you think that audience is just going to roll with the punches and not worry about ruining their speakers while trying to pay attention to the monster movie or whatever it is you’ve made?
The acting is generally decent across the movie’s four segments. Some of the line reading in “The Ties That Bind” is a bit stiff, but that stiffness somehow adds to the charm of the world of the segment. The same goes for “Highway Rivalry,” which is also the hardest to hear of the four segments. The special effects are quite good, especially the decomposing woman in the coffin scene and the various bits of bloody violence we get to see. The space alien that we see in “Look Towards the Sky” is a little too CGI looking for my tastes, but the movie also doesn’t linger on those CGI effects so the alien doesn’t look too bad. The spaceship effects are better than I thought they would be. The “Doom room” from the host moments did grow on me despite thinking they’re a little too hazy (it might have worked if the “Doom room” had just been Doom sitting at a desk in a black void. That kind of thing can be super creepy if done right).
I want to celebrate the movie’s opening theme, which is catchy as hell. Composers Marvin Maddicks, Jr. and Bobby Thompson clearly do top notch work.
Phil Herman’s Unearthed is the first Phil Herman movie I’ve ever seen. According to his IMDb page, Herman has been in the moviemaking game since at least 1990. And while I have heard of some of the movies listed under his name on his IMDb page, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of him before. Where the heck have I been all of this time that I had no idea who the heck Phil Herman was until now? After seeing Unearthed, I know I will now have to keep an eye out not only for his old stuff, but also for whatever new stuff he decides to be a part of. And while it’s true that Phil Herman’s Unearthed is a bit uneven, it’s still worth checking out. So, if you’re a fan of horror anthologies and/or the mega low-budget horror movie world, you should definitely seek out Phil Herman’s Unearthed and give it a shot. It’s worth seeing and experiencing, flaws and all.
So see Phil Herman’s Unearthed. See it, see it, see it.
And be sure to check out the next The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, as I will be reviewing another Phil Herman production, Jacker 3: Road to Hell. So, you know, be on the lookout for that.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: 4
Explosions: None.
Nudity?: Yes. Several times.
Doobage: Six production company logos at the start of the opening credits. A deer in the woods. Hole digging in the woods. A woman inside of a coffin that starts suddenly decomposing. Talking to the camera. A woman puts on some boots, a hat, and a backpack. Texting. A fire at night. A woman I in a blue coat. Super attentive police detectives. More stuff out in the woods. A search party. A discarded hat and what appears to be a jump rope. A story about an old case. A flashback. A serious hand wound. A search dog. A shoe print. New shoes. Old shoes. Bullet to the leg. An argument about a future arrest. A creepy smile. A series of photos. A guy on the patio. A spaceship. Guy taking a shower. Screaming. Shaky hands. Booze drinking. More flashbacks. A laser tool. Talk about an alien experiment. Neck cracking. A woman working in a field. A grainy home video with no sound. Vials of stuff. A woman reading. Coffee drinking. More field work. General hole digging. A bell that lifts into the air all on its own. A ringing phone. A lit candle. A Bible with pages flapping in the wind. Face cracking. Bible to the face. A YouTube video maker that tells a story about some highway incident. A car driving down the highway. Multiple voiceovers. Some truly sad looking food. More shower taking. Potential poisoning. Attempted running away. A suitcase. Nail through the wrist. Axe to the thigh. Axe to the shoulder. Public bathroom hooey. Hand washing. Knife to the back. Gut stabbing. More hand washing. A strung up dead body. Another stabbing. Even more flashbacks.
Kim Richards?: Implied as possible in the future.
Gratuitous: Phil Herman Presents. Associate producers and executive producers. Drinking booze from a flask. A search party montage. Cops putting evidence in a plastic bag. The Submarine Port Diner. A guy in the background eating a hamburger. Miranda warning. A weird Walmart story. A shoe with a hole in it. A binder that has “Instructions” printed on the binding. Breakfast. A police lab technician with an unexpected haircut. A big red door. A “hospital.” A drone shot of a car driving down the road. A local TV news report. A mega low-budget CGI alien. A lactose free milk carton with a “missing person” picture on the side. A “There is no God” speech. A painting of Jesus. People speaking Spanish. A lack of subtitles while people speak Spanish. A “spirit message” over the phone. A rosary. A spinning newspaper. Newspaper stories that explain stuff. “The Road Reaper.” A local TV news story about the Highwayman serial killer. Shower masturbation. Hitchhiking.
Best lines: “I sure hope you know what you’re doing.” “Has her behavior been any different?” “Is this somebody’s idea of a sick joke?” “Honey, it’ll be okay. He knows I’m innocent. He’s just doing his job.” “Are you kidding me? I love that little turd with everything I got.” “Are you okay? You look worried.” “Luke, is my father innocent?” “And don’t forget the shrimp fried rice.” “Don’t talk about my Dad! You don’t know what you’re talking about!” “You’re not making any sense!” “I killed Kelly!” “That bitch.” “It’s 12 A.M. I’m calling him.” “I just wish he would talk to me about this.” “Dan, go get towels!” “They’re killing me!” “All right, so let me get this straight. You’re saying he just appeared in the backyard naked?” “I hate to ask but what the fuck is going on?” “How do I approach someone and tell them I’ve been abducted by aliens?” “What makes you so goddamn special?” “The only way to save yourself is to give up willingly.” “You want answers? Look towards the sky.” “Frank! This is genocide! And I for one am not going to stand by and watch my country turn to shit! I pay taxes for Christ’s sake!” It looks like we’ve run out of time. Make your choice.” “They won’t hurt you. They’re just… curious.” “Hi, Todd. How was your day?” “Are you fucking kidding me? Did you fall asleep?” “I never do anything like this. Where ya headed?” “That’s a lot of baggage to be carrying around.” “You’re starting to sound like a fan!” “Dead? Dead.” “I hope he ain’t sick.” “Asshole? That sounds like fighting words.” “I thought Satan would like my work. It makes me happy.” “Good luck to you and your hell spawn catching up and enjoy your participation award.” “Well, that happened.”
Rating: 7.5/10.0
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Phil Herman’s Unearthed
Christopher Kahler– Doom
check out the rest of the cast here
Directed by Derek Braasch. Will Devokees, Marcelo Fabani, Phil Herman, and James Panetta
Screenplay by Derek Brassch, Will Devokees, Marcelo Fabani, Phil Herman, James Panetta, and Nina Trader
Produced by Ikuzo! Studios, Herman Productions, Cheevies Film Productions, Devokees Productions, Lonewolf Studios Uruguay, and Michael Moutsatos Productions.
Not Rated
Runtime– 105 minutes
