411’s AAA/CMLL Report 3.21.05

Welcome to week #5 of Lucha Libre on 411. Can you believe we’ve made it this long? Well we’ll make it longer as long as you guys keep reading. I’m ‘Mr.I can’t BUY a freaking plug’ Newton Gimmick. I actually read other folks columns around here, but no one reads mine. I feel so lonely. Haha, it’s okay though I got some emails from people in Mexico last week. So that’s right 411, ignore me all you want, I’m about to tap into a whole NEW audience. The Latino audience. Read it and weep boys. I’ll remember you guys when I’m stepping on you to get to the top. Anyway, we’ve got some exciting Lucha action this week. But first, some of my ramblings.

So a few non-lucha notes will start us off this week. The Jannety-Angle match on Smackdown is getting a lot of varying reviews. But I want to toss my thoughts in, because I can honestly say it was the best match I’ve seen WWE have since WM last year. Let me explain why. Marty looked good on RAW, but wasn’t blowing anyone’s mind. Even on Raw, HBK kinda treated Jannety like he didn’t stand a chance against Angle. Kurt comes out, and basically says he’s not impressed. Then Marty comes out, and looks very much like some Indy wrestler. He doesn’t seem to have the same fanfare he did on Raw. He looks almost scared. He knows he’s a lamb to the slaughter. Angle and Marty battle just a bit, and then Angle pretty much signals this one is over. Then Marty is like, “NO! Screw this!” and just goes tit for tat with Angle. Did Angle dominate a lot of the match? Sure. But Jannety put on a show that made me remember, this guy ain’t no chump to Angle. He’s been in there with Bret Hart, with Greg Valentine, with Rick Martel, with Tito Santana, with Big Boss Man, with Razor Ramon, with Jim Neidhart, with Ted Mother F-ing Dibiase…. Marty Jannety has just as much chance of pulling this one out as HBK does. That’s what made that match. Its that, even though I knew Marty was going to lose. That he was there to lose, that I still bought into the story of a old wrestler, who was always good and never quite got his due. To be tossed aside like a chump by Kurt Angle, Marty just wasn’t going to let that happen. The intense underlying story is what made that match so great. In wrestling, there are good matches based on pure workrate. There are good matches based on pure storyline. There are bad matches based on workrate, and there are bad matches based on storyline. What makes that match special, is if you just looked at the workrate, you saw a 3 star match. But if you looked at the overall picture, the storyline, the struggles of a guy like Jannety who just dropped off the face of the Earth…you didn’t see some 3 star match, you saw a 4 star epic. Better then over half of the stuff we’ll see at Mania this year. I had mild interest in seeing HBK/Angle before this. Now I have a huge interest in seeing the match. But even HBK-Angle won’t have the magic that Angle-Jannety had, because HBK is a backstage politician, a bone-fide legend. While Marty remains a guy who was just as good HBK, but never got the chance to shine. That match had emotion. Emotion that you don’t see every day. Emotion that’s in special matches like Vader-Flair, or Mutoh-Tenryu. Kudos to you Marty, for making me realize why I am a still a wrestling fan.

Speaking of Jannety, it appears WWE is hiring him as a result. Rumor has it they are working him to RAW, to continue to be overshadowed by HBK for the remainder of his career. I say put him with Charlie Haas, re-package them as a tag team and let them take the tag division up a notch. Of course that’s fantasy booking, cause it requires WWE to focus on their tag team division.

Also on a related not to last week’s Booty Man reference. I saw the Brutus Beefcake WWE classic figure out in the store. I gotta say, I nearly snatched that dude up. I’ll eventually get him. I started out picking up the Classics figures. I got soured on the line very quickly though when the Andre figure was just a Big Show figure with Andre’s head. The Warrior figure showed a yellow belt, and came with a black one. I won’t even mention the INSANE wrong facts that were on the back of the packages. I think they listed Sgt.Slaughter as 3 time WWE champion. Anyway, with all that aside I gave up on the line. But after seeing Dibiase, Roberts, Neidhart and now Beefcake in the stores I want some of these guys. I think WWE has a good market here. All we had was those crappy LJN figures when we were kids. Now they are selling cool versions of our favorites, for about $12 a pop. If they sell a Repo Man figure I’m buying three!

Lastly, I got a email about the blue monkey Ewok creature that accompanies Shocker to the ring. You may remember that I thought they called him Kemonito but that I wasn’t sure. Well one of my many Spanish speaking friends chimed in with a explanation on that little critter.

“The name of the blue monkey is “kemonito”, which is a deformation of que bonito which means so nice and monito means little monkey.”

A big thanks to Javier Ramos for that. I still don’t really understand why Shocker needs a ‘Cute Little Monkey’ to accompany him to the ring, but at least he has a name now. I guess its sort of like Koko B. Ware and Frankie. Anywho….

Now let’s get to the real reason we’re here. LUCHA! Its a huge week this week, because for the first time since I started the Lucha Libre columns here on 411, I’ve got a hour of CMLL and a hour of AAA. The original pitch for this column was that it would be like the Monday Night Wars, packaged into one column. A one hour show from both of Mexico’s top Lucha promotions, that I would review, rate and say who had the better week. Unfortunately since I started the column Galavision has screwed their programming around to the point where it was either 2 hours of CMLL, or 2 hours of AAA. But this week, they finally changed things back to their original format. Hopefully Galavision keeps this format, but if not, then at least I got to do a week of this in the original format.

In case you aren’t aware of what the two Lucha Libre promotions are about…..here they are in a nutshell:

Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre (CMLL): They have the most masked wrestlers. Including the current versions of El Santo, Black Tiger, Atlantis, Blue Panther, Hector Garza, Ultimo Guerrero, Shocker, Lizmark Jr, and L.A. Park. They wrestle in a regular 4 sided ring. LA Park is the real La Parka. This is considered the more ‘pure’ Lucha federation.

Triple A (AAA): Triple A is known for some of the more outrageous gimmick matches and gimmicks. Some of their more famous wrestlers include Cibernetico, Abismo Negro, Latin Lover, Psicosis, Charly Manson, Dos Caras, Heavy Metal, Zorro, Intocable and La Parka. Juventud Guerrera and the wrestler formerly known as (WWE’s) Essa Rios also round out the roster. They wrestle in a 6 sided ring, much like NWA-TNA. They are the #1 promotion in Mexico, but are hurting after several defects to CMLL.

Our old buddy CMLL is up first…

CMLL 3-20-05

Three commentators welcome us to the show, with some various clips of CMLL action. I notice that we seem to see a lot of 3 man announce teams in Lucha, which has totally died out up in the states with the fall of WCW. Anyway, they hype the show, and a few live events and we’re ready to go with match #1!

Earlier in the day, Mistico and Misterioso and Volador Jr had a talk. They are all in street clothes, but still wearing their masks. They look like they are on their way to a Mexican soap opera….

We cut to ringside, as this match is on! Here comes Misteroso with his skank of choice, and she’s sporting some tight blue vinyl. Volador is next, and he’s got a girl in white. Lastly we have Mistico and he’s got the hottest Lucha skank of the bunch in gold and white. All three guys are wearing nifty little trench coats.

And now their opponents! The Rudos all have skanks of their own, and actually a couple hotter ones then the tecnicos. Mephisto comes out in a druid cloak, but still has a hottie. Gotta love Satan worshipping valets. Averno fits right in with Mephisto, but Olimpico looks a little out of place.

Mephisto, Averno & Olimpico versus Volador Jr, Mistico & Misterioso

There is no doubt in my mind that I’ve seen this match. Galavision is doing some really weird stuff with their Lucha. I’m going to have to try and find the most current editions, because they are really shelling out some re-runs here. Anyway, this match is on. Everyone sort of jockeys for position and now Volador and Mephisto step into the ring to be the first two in for their respective teams. Mephisto and Volador take each other down with a series of arm drags. They tag out to Averno and Mistico. Averno has one of the coolest Lucha masks on the market. These two seem intent on exchanging chops back and fourth. Leapfrog by Averno leads to a pancake faceplant. Mistico gets irish whipped then does a headscissor and actually STANDS on Averno’s shoulders for a minute before hitting the scissor. He sends Averno outside and planchas onto him. Mephisto and Volador back in. Double dropkick, and then Volador puts the incoming Olimpico in a Gory Special. He submits from that. As he lets him out he turns it into a Widow’s Peak and slams him down. They toss him onto the ground, and dogpile him. Scoring a pin, and giving the first fall to the tecnicos.

Winners of Fall #1: Mistico, Volador Jr & Misterioso

We get some replays as the second fall starts. Misterioso and Olimpico go at it. Olimpico drops Misterioso with a back elbow and drops some sentons, before Misterioso catches him with a superkick. Misterioso continues the assault and Olimpico heads for higher ground. As he does Averno comes in from behind and clobbers Misterioso with a dropkick. Misterioso tags to Mistico who comes in and hurrcanranas Averno. I think Mistico might be the most entertaining of the three tecnicos. Misterioso cheers on the outside, as Averno tags out to Mephisto. Mistico tags out to Volador who comes in and is met with a barge from Mephisto. We need some more fat wrestlers in the U.S. so the barge can come back as a move. Back in the day if Andre the Giant or Yokozuna hit you with a BARGE, the match was nearly over. Now you never see it used unless it s amid-ring collision. Anyway. Mephisto tags to Olimpico who comes in like a house of Jalapeno but gets sent outside and eats a Volador twisting plancha! In comes Mistico who whips around on the ropes, but Averno grounds him with a full arm drag and twist. Both men battle to their feet, when Mistico comes off the ropes for a Frankensteiner, but Averno drops him with a powerbomb. He hooks his feet on the top ropes, and gets the pinfall. Mistico is the captain of the team for the tecnicos, so that counts as one fall. We’re tied 1 to 1!

Winners of Fall #2: Averno, Olimpico and Mephisto!

And we’re off to commercial break! As we get some replays of the vicious powerbomb, as well as the dastardly cheating tactic of hooking the ropes with his feet for leverage.

– We get a commercial for Historia del Futbol which is some show about the HISTORY of Soccer in Mexico. As if there aren’t already enough soccer programs.

– We also get a commercial for Vincent Fernandez. He’s a singer in Mexico, who looks EXACTLY like Burt Reynolds. Has anyone seen this guy? Young him looks like young Burt, and old him looks like old Burt….its freaky!

We’re back for the third and final fall, as a hot little Lucha skank holds up the third fall sign. Then because we’re watching Lucha, the camera pans to a hot American lady in the crowd. Can’t blame them there. Meanwhile back in the ring. Olimpico and Averno irish whip Volador and flip him up for the Mamalukes old finisher, but instead Mephisto comes in and they do a TRIPLE TEAM SPIKED POWERBOMB! Ouch. Then the heels take to beating on Misterioso while Mistico is forced to watch on the outside. He’s seen enough and tries to get in but Mephisto kicks him off the apron before he can help. Triple Team inverted powerbomb, doesn’t look as cool. But they do it to Misterioso anyway. Mistico comes in and pounds on the rudos, but falls victim to the 3 on 1. As Mephisto feeds him a double big boot in the corner. They continue to beat on him and kick him to the outside. They fake like they are going to do a double plancha. Then they set Volador up to eat a dropkick from the inside to the outside. Misterioso is back in the ring, and he tries to make a comeback. Averno and Mephisto set him up, and Mephisto hops over the top rope and yanks Misteroso off the apron with a sweet sunset flip/powerbomb move. This leaves Averno in the ring with Mistico. They two captains exchange blows for only a moment, and then Averno tries to powerbomb Mistico, but he turns it into a rana for the ….1 ….2 …..3!

Winners: Volador Jr, Mistico and Misterioso

The rudos complain as we get a replay, and head to commercial break.

Verdict: Nothing to complain about here. While this was a bit ‘by the numbers’ it was pulled off very well. They did this stupid thing where they kept faking planchas, and that aggravated me. Aside from that, this was a fast paced, fun matchup.

– This week on Archivos del Mas Alla (Mexican Tales from the Crypt) a mysterious girl’s eye. Then some fire, and a tale of death and revenge. Its soo creepy. Its like Phantasm without the Tall Man.

– Be sure to watch Planeta Sur, and learn about the Earth and animals. Its for all ages….under 6.

– Direct TV para todos, has all your favorite American movies and shows, but in Spanish. So I guess if you got Direct TV and don’t speak English, you should give that a try. Real Time with Bill Mahr, and Chronicles of Riddick, are shows they try to hype. I’m sure thousands of Latinos really wanna see shitty Vin Diesel movies in Spanish.

We’re back and its time for Dr.Wagner (Manuel Gonzalez) to talk. I’m not sure what he’s talking about but it says ‘Descanse en Paz’ so maybe that means he’s retiring or something. He jabbers on and the fans clap, and give him a Mexico flag. Good job on the career Dr.Wagner, but is this a different guy then Wagner Jr? Me thinks so. Whatever, we’re off the commercials again.

– You can speak Spanish and still be a part of the U.S. Marine core. I’m not sure if that makes ANY freaking sense.

– Some news show has a special about a guy who hits a pig with a Pipe Wrench…..They show it. That’s the most bizarre footage I’ve seen all week.

We’re back and Atlantis performs one of the most ignorant entrances this side of the Undertaker. Lets just say it involves body doubles, pyro and druid cloaks. His Partner Blue Panther has a must more traditional entrance, as does Mascara Sagrada. Though Sagrada has a hot honey with him, showing to use that he’s not a flaming homo, despite what his costume might imply.

Vampiro, Pierroth & Tarzan Boy versus Atlantis, Blue Panther & Mascara Sagrada

We start with random brawling all over. I hate these kinds of matches BTW. Anyway during all of this melee they decide to show a whole pan shot of Mascara Sagrada’s girl and she’s the hottest Lucha skank I’ve ever seen. I swear WWE should use all those Diva search girls in segments like this. Anyway Vampiro is beating on Atlantis for having a gay entrance. He headbutts him down on the outside, and rains some kicks into the ribs of Atlantis, while the fans boo him. Vampiro and Pierroth beat on Mascara Sagrada. Pierroth pins Sagrada off a backdrop. Then Tarzan Boy nails a missile dropkick on Blue Panther. Vampiro scoops Panther up and chokeslams him. Then Vampiro pins Panther for the formula-matic 1,2,3!

Winners of Fall #1: Vampiro, Pierroth & Tarzan Boy

Vampiro is either a really cool wrestler who is motivated, or a really sloppy wrestler who is unmotivated. I’m not sure which Vamp we have here tonight. As the second fall starts, Pierroth and Tarzan double team Atlantis. But now the faces all rush the ring, and its a Tornado Tecnico as they bounce around basing rudo’s heads in left and right. Clothesline takes Vampiro outside by Atlantis. Finally the tornado has quelled and Mascara Sagrada is beating on Pierroth with karate chops. Tarzan Boy comes in with a dropkick to end that garbage. Vampiro also comes in, and Atlantis and Blue Panther rush in, and grab double roll up pins on Vampiro and Tarzan Boy. They both get the 3 Count!

Winners of Fall #2: Atlantis, Blue Panther and Mascara Sagrada!

Can I say this match sucks yet? I mean seriously, this is the same crappy CMLL lucha BS that I hate. Why even have this be a three fall match, if all the falls are going to happen so quick and off such bogus crap. The 3 fall system, combined with the captains’ rule can really ruin what was otherwise a decent match. Anyway the third fall is on, and Atalantis beats on Pierroth. Atlantis is looking really old here, and misses a plancha on Pierroth but hits Vampiro anyway. We get some more random brawling. Vampiro and Blue Panther square off in the ring, and a powerbomb leads to a nearfall, but not a 3 count. They brawl to the outside, and then Pierroth and Atlantis square off. Pierroth kicks Atlantis in the nuts, and that’ll do it. DISQUALIFICATION!

Winners of Fall #3: Atlantis, Blue Panther and Mascara Sagrada!

Verdict: Worst match ever. Seriously though, why even have a match like this? Its just a colossal waste of time. The only thing this match did was show some frustration on the Rudos side, when Vampiro argued with Pierroth after the match for kicking Atlantis in the nuts when they nearly had the match won. Anyway, that’s our main event for CMLL and it shows the same problems that CMLL has every week. They have too many old guys, and too many by the books trios matches. If they really want to entertain me they should try some creative finishes, and not bullshit like DQ wins off lowblows.

That’ll do it for CMLL, and now we’ve got one action packed hour of AAA! Or at least I hope its action packed.

AAA 3-20-05

Jesus Zuriga and Andres Mardras welcome us to the show. I notice immediately that the AAA fans seem to be more Mexican. If that makes any sense at all. We get the opening AAA video, and we’re off to commercial.

– Funny AIDS commercial (Is that a oxymoron?) where a guy gets in bed with his girl, then another guy gets in. Then everyone the two have ever slept with gets in the bed. Its like 50 people. The guy immediately reaches for a rubber. WRAP YOUR WILLIE!

– We get a Los Reportos commercial.

– A women is ready to go on a big trip, and as she packs her skank clothes she hears a Galavision weather report, and remembers to pack her galoshes. Uh, okay then.

We’re back and its time for our first match. This is a mixed tag team match with Apache and Faby Apache battling Cinthia Moreno and Oriental. Not to be confused with CMLL’s Oriental, who is actually named Koreano but is often referred to as Oriental. Oddly enough there are like 5 Apache’s in AAA. Faby Apache is adorably cute, while just plain Apache is a fat dude with little skills at all.

Mixed Tag Team Title Match: Apache and Faby Apache versus Cinthia Moreno and Oriental

Cinthia comes out in this big gown and stuff, then strips it down to like the tiniest material ever. Apache is just ugly to look at, and I pray with everything in my soul that he’s not banging Faby Apache. We get prematch handshakes and kisses, which is funny on a lot of levels. This is for the belts so I guess that means a lot of respect. Faby Apache starts out with Oriental first, which is mind boggingly bizarre, but who am I to complain? Oriental works the arm, and Faby kips up and tries to reverse. Oriental is just toying with her, but Faby is flipping around and trying to use her speed and agility to counter the obvious power advantage that Oriental has. Oriental seems content to play with her a bit, and isn’t leveling her with any big moves, but instead just headscissoring her around and shaking her up. She lures him right over to her corner, where he takes a swing and Apache jumps in and dropkicks Oriental down. That was actually not a bad sequence. Sometimes the mixted tag element lacks a lot of reality, but that played out pretty well. As Apache beats on Oriental, Cinthia Moreno sneaks up to the top rope and dives off with a rana to Apache. She tries a moonsault and he blocks it. Apache goes for a bodyslam, but she flips out of it into a headscissor. She’s bacically beating Apache up, and then Oriental comes in. Apache gets the better of Oriental. This is where the logic falls apart at. Basically Cinthia just OWNED Apache, but Oriental can’t do squat to him. If Apache did half the stuff he does to Orinetal to Cinthia would be dead. Cinthia comes in and saves Oriental from a 3 count. Faby rushes in, and Cinthia catches her with a cross body block. Faby MATRIX-MOVES out of it, and kicks Cinthia in the back of the thighs. They scuffle a bit until Faby nails a picture perfect DDT! These girls are good, in case you are wondering. All the flip-flopping of lucha, tends to remove any awkwardness you usually have in women’s wrestling. Cinthia gets nailed with a irish whip clothesline combo. Faby tags out to Apache, and they double team Cinthia. Sending her into the ropes and hitting a double team Tijuana Slam. Then rolling her up into a drop toe hold, dropkick to the head combination. I’m feeling bad for Cinthia here, as she’s taking a beating from all sides now. Faby is very proud of herself, and another look at her face reveals just how freaking cute she is. Like, I don’t know if I could watch a match and see her beating beaten to a bloody pulp. She’s just too innocent for that. Quick exchange leads Oriental back into the ring and he sweeps both Faby and Apache down with a cross body from the top. Cinthia re-enters and in the melee, Apache swings with a hard left for Oriental, but he ducks and he CLOBBERS Faby Apache with a left hook. Ouch. Oriental uses that momentary shakeup to dropkick Apache out of the ring, and then helps Cinthia catapult herself over the top rope for a flip dive onto Apache. Take that Biznitch! Oriental begins trying to beat on the nearly KOed Faby, but she kicks him in the face and then does a huge srpingboard cross body plancha to Cinthia on the outside. Oriental follows her out, and gets caught by Apache. This leads to Cinthia trying to get inside and take advantage, but Faby catches her with a spin wheel kick. 2 and 1/2! Michinoku Driver by Faby to Cinthia looks to put Moreno away, but Oriental breaks it up. Before Oriental can do any damage, he’s yanked back outside the ring by Apache. Faby to the top rope, Cinthia springs up behind her…RUSSIAN LEGSWEEP FROM THE TOP ROPE! Cinthia turns that into a Mexican Surfboard and I just popped wood. Apache comes in and saves his girl. He tries to powerbomb Cinthia and she flips over out of it, and turns him into a OKLAHOMA ROLL! Fucking A! That’s the best Oklahoma roll I’ve EVER seen. Such velocity. It only gets two though, as Faby Apache saves her man. Then in a great moment of realism, Cinthia is trying to irish whip Apache, and he just turns around and slams her with a fist to the face and she hits the mat like a sack of potatoes. The fans boo him, and he’s like “What?” Now he puts her in a Mexican Surfboard. Dude Apache is freaking evil. She’s being ripped apart, as Oriental springboards into the ring and SPLASHES Apache just in the nick of time to break that up. Faby hits a missile dropkick on Oriental though, slowing his teams comeback up. Meanwhile in the ring, Apache picks Cinthia up and nails her with a BRUTAL whirrlybird powerbomb. If you ever saw Slash do that in NWA-TNA you know what I’m talking about. That gets a 3 count on Cinthia. Apache is freaking woman beater.

Winners of Fall #1: Apache and Faby Apache

Oriental is immediately in and tries to tackle Apache for beating his woman to death, but no dice. Apache fights him off. Apache nearly gets 3 with a roll up. Apache goes for the whirrlybird on Oriental, and he turns it into a X-Factor! Uh-oh…..That leads to a La Magistral cradle and the 3 count for Oriental.

Winners of Fall #2: Oriental and Cinthia Moreno.

The way this match is worked out, Apache is out, Cinthia is out. This leaves Faby to face off with Oriental, man versus woman for the final and title deciding fall. Faby looks nervous as she should be. Oriental is like, “Hmm what to do?” Then he decides on decapitating her with a clothesline. He then drop toe holds her and does a STANDING MOONSAULT onto her. Flipping legdrop to her neck, gets a 2 count. He then picks her up and nails a F-U, followed by ANOTHER standing moonsault. 2 1/2 and Faby looks dead. He tries for another F-U, and she rolls that into a pin. He kicksout. Faby is tired, beaten and looks legitmately terrified. So what does she do? She grabs Oriental and nails him with a setout powerbomb that makes Batista look like a sissy! I’m not kidding. I’m sure Oritental did all the work there, but Faby pulled that off beautifully. She tries another and Oriental clobbers her. He picks her up for a powerbomb of his own, and she flips out of it behind him. She kicks him in the gut and he no-sells it. She kicks him, again and again. Then grabs him up, and HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Faby nails a pancake version of Kid Kash’s MoneyMaker move. I have no idea how she did that. That’s it. …1 …2 …3!

Winners and STILL Champions: Faby Apache and Apache

Apache comes in and hugs a exhausted Faby as the fans cheer. That was one helluva performance by all involved. Faby looks broken in half, as we get some crowd shots and head to commercial.

Verdict: I can tell you right now, that’s the best mixed tag team match I’ve ever seen. Though I felt I’ve seen this edition of AAA before, I can’t believe how good that match was. Faby Apache is really a great women’s wrestler, and she’s not hard on the eyes either. If WWE was to hire ONE, women’s wrestler this year it should be her. The match played out with a ton of great psychology that I thought was impossible in a mixed tag team match. Everyone put fourth a great effort, and the 3 falls were well spread out. The first fall didn’t happen for nearly 10 minutes. That’s much more believable then the 2 or 3 falls in 5 minutes that CMLL offered up in their main event.

– We get ANOTHER commercial for Historia del Futbol which is some show about the HISTORY of Soccer!

– Los Fabulosos Cadillacs are on the MTV Unplugged PPV crap. Anyone remember when WCW repackaged El Dandy and Silver King as Los Fabulosos and had them be managed by Stacy Keibler who was ‘in love’ with them. They were like Mexican pimps. Sadly before that angle could go anywhere, Russo came in and fired all the Luchadors. I swear had that angle been given 2 months, they’d be LEGENDS now.

Earlier today AAA’s version of Mascara Sagrada had a chat with someone. I believe this is about a big match they just had, where Mascara and Mascarita battled several other teams. Abismo Negro also cuts a promo. And we’re off to commercial again.

– I’m ignoring the commercials his time. HAHAHA!
We’re back and its time for our main event. I think.

Sangre Chicana comes to the ring. He looks kinda like Jake Roberts without the mustache. He’s old and tired. His opponent, Latin Lover is out next. Picture Buff Bagwell as the ‘Handsome Stranger’ in GWF. Then gay him up to the tenth power, and you have Latin Lover. He rips off some of Billy Gunn’s gay dances in the ring, and reveals his tiny briefs with lips on them. He pulls them down just enough to show us he’s in a thong….BARF!

AAA Title Match: Sangre Chicana versus Latin Lover

Heavy Metal is out here to watch this. As well as there are 4 Lucha skanks in the ring to pose with Latin Lover. This guy might be fruity, but I bet he’s banged EVERY hot chic in Mexico. Our referee is the ref with BATMAN suspenders, known simply as Bat-Ref. Latin Lover extends the hand and Sangre Chicana accepts. Sangre Chicana headbutts Latin Lover, but gets pushed up into the ropes. These two continue their feeling out process. Lover with a standing switch. Sangre Chicana reverse to a hammerlock. Anyone remember the old SNES game Hammerlock? Email me if you do. Moe Fudo in the HOUSE! Sangre Chicana gets taken down with a leglock by Latin Lover. Front facelock by Latin Lover. Sangre Chicana gets out and does a hipock takeover. Sangre Chicana chops Latin Lover down. Heavy Metal is jawing it with a fan outside. Sangre Chicana goes for a lowblow, but Latin Lover kicks him in the side of the head and applies a half Boston Crab. Sangre Chicana gets out of that with a shot to Latin’s knee. Sangre Chicana with a arm drag. Sangre Chicana applies a arm bar. Latin Lover gets out of it. Sangre Chicana with a full chop and then forearm thrust. Sangre Chicana goes for a clothesline and almost hits Bar-Ref. He stops himself just in time. Latin Lover goes for a dropkick to Sangre Chicana but he hits Bat-Ref and knocks him out of the ring. Sangre Chicana’s manager tries to kick Latin Lover, but misses and hits Sangre Chicana. Latin Lover gets a pin on Sangre Chicana but there is no ref. Sangre Chicana chops Latin Lover. Latin sends him into the ropes and nails a belly-to-belly. He applies a Scorpian Deathlock to Sangre Chicana. Sangre is out of it, but the referee is just now starting to move. As Latin wrenches on the Sharpshooter, here comes one of the Black Family. He SPEWS burning red mist into Latin Lover’s eyes. Sangre Chicana gets out of the hold, and pins Latin Lover. Bat-Ref crawls over…. 1 …..2 …..3!

Winner: Sangre Chicana

Sangre Chicana’s manager, Heavy Metal, Latin Lover and the Black Family member brawl into the crowd as Sangre Chicana holds his title in the air.

Verdict: Nothing special, but it was built up like a big title match. The problem is, there was too much calamity with the managers and Heavy Metal. They spent too much time focusing on that and not the World Title match. At the end of the day, it wasn’t offensive and seemed like a WWE title match on free tv would go.

We’re back for some more celebration from Sangre Chicana. Latin Lover and Heavy Metal are pissed, and they’ve brutalized the others. They point to Sangre Chicana as if Latin Lover will have his day again soon. As we fade to black, that’s the show.

That’s it for this week’s Lucha Libre report. Going off both shows, AAA versus CMLL week one, I have to give the nod to CMLL. They had two title matches, and while their main event wasn’t very good, neither was CMLL’s. The Mixed tag team match was a lot of fun, and provided me with several HOLY SHIT moments. CMLL had a nice opening 6 Man Tag, but that was about it. So in the first battle the winner is TRIPLE A!

AAA – 1 CMLL – 0

Be sure to tune in next week, and see if we get to see another head-to-head battle with Lucha’s top promotions. Don’t forget to read this column and send it to your friends. Its the best thing since green ketchup. Until then, I’m Newton Gimmick. Drop me a line if you loved it, hated it, or any of the above. See ya in 7! I’ll be chilling in the airship. Adios from the land of Grundo!