411’s NWA: TNA Report 12.11.02

– Before we get going I’d like to acknowledge the passing of Stereolab’s Mary Hansen. I’m sure the seven people who like Stereolab AND professional wrestling are reading this right now and are in agreement with me that she was taken away from us way too soon. Rest in peace, Mary. You’ll be missed by all that knew you and all that knew of you.

– Nothing takes the edge off of a tragic loss like a night of pro wrestling. Oh wait, but this is Sportz Entertainment Xtreme…

– Live from the TNA Asylum

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West (in all shocking blue silk this week)

– The show opens with a montage looking back at last week. Roddy Piper and Vince Russo hate each other and The Harris Twins are the MOST DANGEROUS MEN ALIVE!!

– Shot of the crowd and hey it’s eight million signs for Athena. Athena is not here tonight though. I will now go on the internet and find out where she is so I don’t get a jillion hateful e-mails from all you Athena marks. Actually, I won’t. I don’t give a rat’s ass about Athena, I hope I never see her again.

– Opening contest: Jason Cross vs Tony Mamaluke
Jason Cross is a six year pro from Georgia that I’ve never heard of. We don’t get TNA Xplosion in New York City so save your e-mails. Back and forth to start and Cross hits the first killer move of the night with a pumphandle German suplex. They be spillin’ to the outside and Cross hits a really great looking spiral plancha but gets caught on his moonsault attempt from the ring steps. Back in and Tony puts Cross in the Tree of Woe but misses with the baseball slide. Enziguiri by Cross onto Mamaluke followed by a Cross Blockbuster. Goes on top again but gets crotched. Mamaluke tries to capitalized but gets hit with a rolling double underhook faceslam from the top rope! Damn, that was really impressive. Cross goes up again this time for the Crossfire (shooting star legdrop) and connects but appears to mess up his knee in a bad way. Tough break. Mamaluke immediately hits a shinbuster then a dragon screw legwhip and finally locks on the Sicilian Crab for the quick submission at 6:32. **3/4 The finish looked rushed but the match was really, really good for what there was.

– B.G. James comes out with a guitar. I believe it’s the silver Chosen One signature model. He says the guitar is from Russo to Jarrett to ensure Jarrett retains the NWA title against Curt Hennig later in the evening. James is accompanied by The Harris Twins and they proclaim themselves Team Asscrap. Well actually, I proclaim them that. I think he said they were the “Gleesome Threesome” or something. I really don’t care. James says that it was Russo’s writing and his in-ring talent that propelled DX and the WWF to the pinnacle of its success. Wow, I love the revisionist history lessons we get from this show. Next thing you know, Sonny Siaki is going to accuse The Rock of being a Siaki knockoff. Bullet Bob comes out and we get some rambling about some things. The Harris Twins are punished for last week with a tag team title shot (makes sense to me!) and B.G. James gets The Truth in the first-ever Chairs N Chains Match. Basically a chain match with a steel chair tied to the middle of the chain. Sounds promising enough, I suppose. Blah blah blah and somehow it ends with a big brawl between Team Asscrap and The Truth, Brian Lee, and Slash. Yawn.

– The announcers discuss Jarrett’s world tour this past week defending the NWA World title against guys like Sting and Lex Luger. Man, Shawn Michaels doesn’t even work American house shows.

– Goldylocks interviews Jorge Estrada who has lost his smile.

– Kid Kash vs Jorge Estrada
Lockup starts things off and after a brief back and forth we spill onto the arena floor. Estrada hits some sort of lucha libre move that I don’t know the name of because I suck at calling lucha moves and hits his head hard on the floor in the process. Slowly back into the ring and Kash hits Greenbacks in the Wind. But Estrada takes charge with a springboard legdrop followed up by a hiptoss DDT. Kash rallies back with a missile dropkick and spinning DDT. Some hard chops ensue and Kash hits a brainbuster (that Tenay calls the “Moneydrop”) for the random pinfall victory at 5:31. * Match wasn’t so good and I do love me some Kid Kash for the most part, but this just sucked.

– Scott Armstrong and Bullet Bob are like totally pissed off at B.G. James. Scott’s gonna talk some sense into him though. He’ll be back to being Jeff Jarrett’s guitar tech by the end of the night!

– America’s Most Wanted vs Divine Storm (w/ Trinity)
I’ve been loving AMW in recent weeks, so this could rule. Chris Harris starts off with Chris Divine and this match is going to be a nightmare to call because two guys have the same first name and the other two guys got the same last name and oh, it’s gonna be messy if The Harris Twins interfere. Some feeling out and both men tag out to their similarly named tag team partners. Q. Storm is tossed out by J. Storm followed by Divine. Both men are on the outside and both guys in AMW proceed to hit back-to-back planchas! Those dudes totally bust ass in that ring! Trinity hits one of her ultraswank moonsaults to complete the awesomeness of the situation. AMW toss Divine Storm back in the ring and the massacre continues as James Storm hits a massive missile dropkick on Quiet Storm. Tag out to Divine who takes control with a Brooklyn Legsweep. Harris is in trouble as Divine and Storm take turns beating him down. Divine attempts a top rope manuever but Harris just shoves him off the top like he’s a toddler. Tag to Storm who cleans house on everyone and there’s actually too much action to call. This match is starting to rule! James Storm hits an Alabama Slam on Divine and this sets up the Death Penalty. Trinity runs in and hits a low blow so Divine can get the ultracheap pinfall win at roughly 7:00. That horrid ending loses this match a 1/4* but it still rocked while it lasted. **3/4

– B.G. James tells Scott Armstrong to go hop in a time machine and job to Horshu on WCW Saturday Night. Well, that’s what he should’ve said. He said something about highways and smoking pot, I think.

– Recap of A.J. Styles assaulting Red.

– “The Phenomenal” A.J. Styles (w/ Mortimer Plumtree) vs The Amazing Red
Red goes right after Styles and we get an angry round of fisticuffs to start things off. Red hits the 718 and sends Styles packing. Red goes for a plancha but Styles catches him and nails him with a brutal backbreaker bomb (never seen that one). Styles back in and controls with a rear chinlock. They get up and start doing some chops. An awesome and completely indescribable exchange ensues which ends up with Red powering out of a Styles Clash attempt and going for a DDT only to have it countered with a sidewinder suplex by Styles. Red is tossed outside where Plumtree does his heel schtick to justify being a paid employee of TNA. Red gets dropped on the steel steps by Styles. Styles plays cocky heel in control as Red plays plucky babyface that can’t be pinned once they get back in the ring. Styles goes up top, gets crotches, reverses a rana into the Styles Clash but Red wriggles out and hits a stiff kick to Styles’ head. Back up again and now both men are STANDING on the top rope and Red hits the MOST AMAZING HURRACANRANA I HAVE SEEN IN A LONG-ASS TIME!!!! Damn right that gets the pinfall at 11:11. Holy CRAP! That match has to be seen to be believed. Get it off of Kazaa if you can. ****

– Tag Team Title Match: Disciples of the New Church (w/ James Mitchell) vs The Harris Twins
Styles and Plumtree join commentary and amuse me while I witness the most vanilla brawling ever. Damn, this is so bad. It makes me wish I was watching a Big Boss Man match. At least he has that awesome move where he does a baseball slide and then punches you in the face. Bubba Ray Dudley should steal that. B.G. James waddles out and delivers some weak chairshots to give The Harris Twins the win and the straps at 4:19. BUT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s Percy Pringle! He’s all like, “Yo, that wasn’t a clean finish.” And the ref was all like, “Good looks homeslice. I be reversing this joint and giving the belts back to my jiggaz Da New Church.” Well at least The Harris Twins didn’t win the tag titles. Everyone decides they want to beat up Percy Pringle after the match but America’s Most Wanted makes the save. DUD for the whole thing.

– X Title Match: Jerry Lynn vs Siaki Maivia… er… Sonny Siaki
This match has in-ring ring introductions. I like that TNA puts title matches on a pedestal over regular matches. That’s how it’s SUPPOSED to be. Match starts out with the usual feeling out and Lynn locks in an armbar. They get up to a vertical base and Lynn dropkicks Siaki out of the ring. This seems to be the format for all the matches tonight. Siaki seemingly favors his wrist a little after an exchange on the outside. Back in and Lynn nails Siaki with a guillotine legdrop. However, Siaki regains control with a Stungun (oh now he’s ripping off Steve Austin! Just kidding.) Siaki hit a bad looking clothesline and a decent enough superkick. They brawl on the outside and Siaki uses a not-so-giant swing on Jerry Lynn into the steel barricade at ringside. Still pretty cool. Lynn is tossed back into the ring for a two-count. Lynn rallies back with a DDT and a sitout powerbomb for two. Of course, if Lynn wasn’t a midget and was a real man like Batista that would’ve been the end of the match right there. I really hate WWE sometimes. Oh well. The ref gets bumped and Lynn reverses the Siakilypse with the Cradle of Filth but no one is there to make the count. Lynn hits a sideslam and goes on top where he is crotched by some large breasted woman I’ve never seen before. I await four hundred e-mails calling me a retard because I didn’t know she did some work in UPW like three years ago or some crap like that. Siaki grabs Lynn and hits him with the Siakilypse for the pin and the X title at 12:04. **1/2 Only good because Jerry Lynn can carry anyone to a watchable match. I’m still not convinced Siaki has got anything special.

– Chairs and Chains Match: “The Truth” Ron Killings vs B.G. James
You reckon these guys are gonna get rowdy and move some things? Like the Harris Twins earlier in the night, James comes out of the crowd to no entrance music. That’s sort of a neat way for the Russoites to come to the ring for their matches. Truth leaps off the chair and pounds on James to start. The Truth hits a missile dropkick (the 45th of the evening by my count) onto James smashing the chair into his face. Truth follows it up with a nice looking axe kick and then the match turns to complete crap. The chain falls off and it becomes really aimless brawling. Truth puts James and this match out of their collective misery at 4:05 with a Falcon Arrow. DUD. That was way worse than I thought it would be. Shame on my optimism.

– Montage for the upcoming World title match between Jarrett and Hennig.

– Mike Tenay sits down with Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett is talks about how being the NWA World Champion is a life long dream, some other points:
– Syxx-Pac is a coward for leaving TNA.
– He won’t discuss Owen Hart.
– Roddy Piper is an “old-timer” but has some problems with his remarks from last week.
– Isn’t saying anything about a possible alliance with Russo.

– NWA World Title Match: Jeff Jarrett vs Curt Hennig
Hennig has the fruitiest entrance music of all-time. That, to me, guarantees he won’t win here. Jeremy Borash announces Hennig as a former WCW U.S. Champion, WWF Intercontinental Champion, and AWA World Champion. Hey, all those belts are extinct thus making them not credentials. The match gets off to a nice enough start. Total old school stuff. Lots of psychology on the leg by Hennig, he even busts out with an Indian deathlock. Jarrett rallies back and goes to the outside where the guitar that Russo left for him was. He teased picking it up but opted to back in there and get the win with the Stroke. But Hennig hit him with a mulekick and the match goes to hell from there. Russo runs out and delivers some really weak guitar shots (the thing doesn’t even dent) allowing Jarrett to score the pinfall at 7:42. * because of that horrid ending and really the match wasn’t so hot either. Jarrett and Russo get all in each other’s faces as A.J. Styles runs in and attacks Jarrett. Man, I’d LOVE to see that match.

– Hey, TNA has set up a feud I can totally get into to. Jarrett and Styles can probably have some classic, here’s hoping they do. This week was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than last week. More wrestling and less Harris Twins. That’s all it takes to please me. See, it’s not so hard.