411’s TNA Impact Report 12.28.06

The show opens with a recap of LAX attacking Santa Runt, and also Kurt Angle hooking the ankle lock on Joe to close last week’s episode.

Jeremy Borash takes us into Jim Cornette’s office, where Kurt Angle is begging for a rematch. Cornette says he can’t do anything to force Joe into a rematch, and begs Angle not to disrupt tonight’s program. Angle assures Cornette that he’ll be good, then gets REEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAL close to Cornette and tells him that he WILL get his rematch…one way or another. It occurs to me that Kurt Angle would be even more menacing if he walked around naked. You think that sounds stupid? Hey, would YOU want a naked Kurt Angle cornering you in the shower?

TNA IMPACT IS ON THE AIR! Tonight we get the TNA Year End Awards! 411’s awards are better. Also, a 3-way Nightstick Match, Jim Cornette’s decision on who gets the title match at Final Resolution, and more!

Chris Sabin & James Storm vs Petey Williams & X-Division Champion Christopher Daniels

Pretty ironic how Storm breaks up with Chris Harris so he can prove himself on his own, and then his first televised match afterward is in a tag match. He still drinks on his way to the ring, but somehow it doesn’t seem as cool as Sandman’s entrance. But only if he has Enter Sandman as his entrance music, of course. If he doesn’t, nobody gives a shit about him. Kind of like James Storm.

Williams and Sabin start by exchanging wristlocks and clever counters. Williams blocks a boot and spins Sabin around and into a dropkick, then tags out to Daniels…but Sabin bails and tags out to Storm. Lockup and Storm takes a headlock. Storm into the ropes and comes off with a shoulderblock, then a second one. Daniels gets a hiptoss, eats boot on a backdrop attempt, then hits a flying heel kick on Storm, a hiptoss on Sabin, and an armdrag on Storm. Storm rams Daniels into the corner and tags out to Sabin, who comes in with a series of punches. Sabin with a three quarter nelson into a snapmare, and then a running dropkick to the back of Daniels’ head for two. Daniels comes back with elbows to the gut, but Sabin reverses into a Cradle Shock attempt, which Daniels escapes and hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Sabin tags Storm and the hot tag to Petey, who comes in with a lungblower to Storm and nails Sabin. Williams bulldogs Storm onto Sabin and gets a Russian legsweep on Storm. Sabin cuts off Petey as he sets up for the Canadian Destroyer with an enziguiri and goes for a chair, but Jerry Lynn pulls the chair and Daniels knocks Sabin to the floor. Daniels off the ropes and flies out of the ring with a crossbody through the ropes onto both Sabin and Lynn. With the ref’s back turned, Storm nails Petey with a chair and gets the fall.

Winners: James Storm & Chris Sabin

On the outside of the ring, Lynn tries to break up the fight between Daniels and Sabin, but keeps getting shoved out of the way. Instead, he decides to just say screw policy, and tears off his shirt and nails both Daniels and Sabin. Raw would be a lot more interesting if Arn Anderson came out and just stomped the crap out of wrestlers who were acting like dicks. Of course, Arn would end up making a pretty hefty paycheck since he’d be out there nearly every segment. But I digress.

Commercial

Borash hypes tonight’s three way Nightstick match, then asks Jim Mitchell whose side Abyss is on. Mitchell says that’s a good question, then asks Abyss himself. He tells Abyss that after all the embarrassment he has caused him, Abyss had better take care of Sting, or Mitchell will reveal Abyss’ secret. He says Christian and Tomko know the result, but Mitchell knows the cause. Hmmmmm. I bet he committed credit card fraud. The cause? He was poor.

Backstage, Joe says that Kurt Angle can crank on his ankle and leg as much as he wants, but he will not break the way Angle did. He continues by saying that Angle will not get a rematch because Joe has his sights set on a shot at the NWA Title, a title he never received a shot at despite being undefeated for 18 months and also beating the NWA Champion. Well, he’s right. But the thing Joe doesn’t realize is that he never won a battle royal where you eliminate people by throwing them into the ring instead of out. You have to EARN your title shots, Joe.

Team 3D is in the ring for some PROMO TIME! Brother Ray says he’s looked around and there doesn’t seem to be any tag teams left. Shane Douglas is done with The Naturals. VKM is too busy feuding with…VKM. It looks to Brother Ray like there’s only one tag team left…LAX. Hey, they forgot about AMW! Oh wait…never mind. Brother Runt comes down to the ring in his Santa suit and asks them where they were last week when LAX kicked his ass. Ray said that when they left for their vacation, they told him to behave and stay out of trouble, and instead he picked a fight with Abyss. Runt says he’s sorry for being a man and not a wimp. Ray asks him if he’s been drinking and as Runt takes a swig from his flask, Ray tells him he has a problem, which Runt responds to in true alcoholic fashion by spitting “Christmas spirits” into Ray’s face and then attacks Team 3D. Ray lays him out with a clothesline and goes for a table. Before we can have our clichéd spot of the night, LAX runs in and attacks Team 3D and a brawl breaks out as security runs in and tries to get between them.

Commercial Break

We come back from commercial and Brother Runt is out of the Santa gear and attacking LAX with a chair. Team 3D puts Homicide on a table and superbombs Runt onto Homicide and through the table! Wow, that was actually a really cool spot. They should have saved it for a PPV, though.

We go to the PCS, as this week the competitors do the limbo! Nash wants Lethal to do it for all their fellow black men, and Shelley gives him some soul power. Shelley goes under okay, but Senshi jumps over the pole…and gets points because we’re working under Backlund rules. Shelley and Lethal do the Backlund Bob-Off and Shelley falls. Final Result: Lethal is leading with 14 points after this week’s event.

Christian says that tonight, Jim Mitchell confirmed that Abyss and Sting have conspired to keep Christian away from the NWA Title. Christian says that he’ll win the match tonight, and will get his shot at the NWA Title at Final Resolution. You know what I would have done with Tomko if I was forced to hire him? I would have put him in the PCS. I would have loved to see him on the pogo stick.

Commercial Break

VKM is in Knoxville, Tennessee at a WWE house show to spread the word about TNA Impact and ask the fans if they like Big Dick Johnson. Since this made the air, you can guess what the answer was. Kip James meets a young boy who may very well be his son, except that he can’t remember screwing the kid’s mother.

Miss Brooks drags Eric Young into the bathroom as Robert Roode comes to the ring for…

Robert Roode vs Dancin’ Lance Hoyt (w/ Smokin’ Ron Killings)

Lockup and Hoyt takes Roode into the corner. Hoyt breaks clean as Killings joins Tenay and West for a smoke. Roode gets whipped into the corner and comes out into a backdrop. I’d probably be distracted too if I had to wrestle while my girl was sucking some retarded guy’s dick in the men’s room. Hoyt goes for the chokeslam, but Roode escapes and hits a tackle to Hoyt’s knee as Killings says that he’s going to quit smoking as his New Year’s resolution. Just cigarettes, or is he going to give up weed, too? I wonder if that means he’ll have to stop hanging around with BG James. I guess it doesn’t really matter that much now that I think about it, everyone forgets their New Year’s resolutions within a week anyway. Roode comes off the top and walks right into a chokeslam from Hoyt. Brooks comes down (having apparently given Young a really quick blowjob) and distracts Hoyt as Roode tosses him off the top for the win.

Winner: Robert Roode

Borash catches up with Young in the men’s bathroom and he has lipstick all over his…face. Apparently, Young just got his first erection, and he thinks he likes it.

Commercial Break

Nightstick On A Pole Match: Christian Cage vs Sting vs NWA World Champion Abyss

This match is, of course, non-title. Tomko distracts Abyss and Sting as Christian goes for the nightstick, but Abyss tosses him off the top and the two of them beat Christian up. Christian gets whipped into the corner and takes a Stinger Splash. Christian is whipped into the other corner and Abyss splashes him, and then Abyss tries to go for the nightstick as Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathlock. Sting releases the hold to pull Abyss down, then go after the nightstick himself. He also gets pulled down, and one skirmish later, Abyss gets sent to the floor. Christian escapes the Scorpion Deathlock, slams Sting, and delivers a diving headbutt. Christian goes for the nightstick, but Sting gets up and superplexes Christian. Both men are down as Abyss re-enters the ring and goes for the nightstick. Tomko grabs the ankle, drags Abyss to the floor, and whips him into the guardrail. Sting goes for the nightstick, but Tomko is in the ring and gives Sting a fallaway slam. Tomko grabs the nightstick, but Sting catapults Christian into the corner and Tomko falls, dropping the nightstick on his way down. Sting gets the nightstick and nails Christian with it…and the bell rings.

Winner: Sting

That’s it? No pinfall? What a drag. Christian and Tomko go after Sting with the nightstick, but Abyss comes in and cleans house. Mitchell is at ringside and is pissed as Sting and Abyss stare at each other. Sting gives Abyss the nightstick and leaves.

Commercial Break

AJ Styles is still pissed at Rhino for sticking his nose in his business, and it looks like we have AJ Styles vs Rhino in a Last Man Standing match set for Final Resolution.

In the ring, Jim Cornette announces Abyss vs Sting vs Christian for the NWA Title at Final Resolution, and there must be a winner. If they were going to do a three way anyway, what the fuck was the point of that last match? But now with that out of the way, Mike Tenay is ready to announce our winner for Mr TNA 2006. It’s down to AJ Styles, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, Sting, and Samoa Joe. One of these names does not belong. No, I don’t mean AJ Styles. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is…Samoa Joe! YAY JOE! Wow, this means almost as much as getting #1 in the PWI 500! Joe is in the ring and says it’s a…ha ha…tremendous honor, and he is now…chuckle chortle…Mr TNA. As he talks about how happy he is, Angle drags some skank Joe is banging out to the entranceway and says that either Joe gives him a rematch, or Angle is going to break her ankle. Joe calls him a pussy for going after a woman while Joe is in the ring, but Angle simply repeats his threat. Joe tells her to let him go, but Angle is through fucking around and puts her in the ankle lock. Joe doesn’t want this to happen because then she can’t stroke him off with her feet after the show, so he relents and finally grants Angle his rematch, and Angle lets go of the ankle. Angle tells Joe that he’s sorry and it wasn’t personal. Actually, he decides that it is personal after all. He puts the skank back in the anklelock and apparently breaks her ankle. Joe hobbles out of the ring and up the ramp, but Angle is long gone. Well, so much for Joe’s little foot fetish.

The show closes with a PPV by PPV recap of 2006 that had a lot of great moments in it.

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Well, nothing really earth-shattering this week. The only really notable things to happen were the announcement of the first three matches for Final Resolution. I wonder what they’re going to do with Joe and Angle after the third match. The one important thing we did learn this week, however, was that despite the knee injury, Samoa Joe did not lose his smile. That, my friends, is what you call a late Christmas present.