411’s WWE Armageddon Report 12.14.08

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to 411’s PPV coverage for Armageddon 2008. We’ve got some solid matches on this card, but we also have some ass to sit through. And not the good kind of ass. Ready to rock and roll? Let’s do this!

For some reason, the video packages for Armageddon always seem to be better than for any other PPVs. We are LIVE from Buffalo, NY and here! We! Go!

Non-Title Match: Matt Hardy © vs. Vladimir Kozlov

Striker and Grisham get to call this one. Excellent, I don’t get to see ECW so this is a rare chance for me to enjoy them. Hardy was able to draw a fairly good match out of the Moscow Mauler for the Beat the Clock, so this might be even better without the stipulation.

Kozlov yells that Stolichnaya is real vodka, and we are under way. Hardy tries to stick and move early, his blows do not faze Kozlov. Kozlov picks up Hardy and drives him to the corner, drives in some shoulders, Kozlov charges but gets an elbow from Matt. Matt rolls through another lift but gets no count. Kozlov goes for a slam but Matt gets another roll up for 2 this time. Matt applies a headlock but Kozlov shoves him off and hits a modified back suplex. Hardy is thrown shoulder-first into the post, then does it a second time. Headbutts in the corner by Kozlov, and he applies a modified kimmura. This is much better from Kozlov, more variety. Matt tries -to fight out but Kozlov takes him over with a fireman’s carry and maintains the hold. Top wristlock now. Matt kicks Kozlov to get free but Kozlov hauls him up by the arm and slams him down. I bet that sucks. Those white trunks are risky, I bet Sid never wore them. Hardy fights out but Kozlov traps his arms and headbutts him repeatedly in the chest for a 2 count. Back to the arm. Hardy with rib shots to escape but Kozlov thinks a single-arm DDT would be more fun. 2 count for Kozlov and back to the kimmura. No, vary it, try an armbar or something. Hardy turns into the hold but Kozlov follows to keep the pressure on. Hardy makes the ropes. Matt to the apron, Kozlov comes over and gets dropped throat-first into the ropes for his trouble. Shots from Matt, he goes up top and hits the big sledge. Kozlov pushes Matt off but drops his head and gets kicked hard. Kozlov thrown to the outside! Crossbody from the apron by Matt…no! Kozlov catches him! Matt slides out and takes Kozlov’s head to the post twice! Back inside, Hardy hits the Side Effect for 2. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate, Kozlov pushes him off and Matt catches him charging with a boot. Matt to the middle rope and gets caught with a palm thrust to the throat! 1…2…no! Matt gets the rope. Kozlov drags him to the middle of the ring, Small package! 1…..2…no! Matt is laying in shots in the corner, Kozlov throws him into the top of the ring post! Damn. Battering Ram! Uranage slam gets 3 for Kozlov.

Winner: Vladimir Kozlov via pinfall (Uranage Slam)
Rating: ***¼ I enjoyed that, although many won’t. It still dragged a bit in places, but Kozlov is still learning to be at the top of the card and this was an improvement over the Triple H match.

Backstage, La Familia are laughing at Matt. Edge leaves for his match and Chavo wants to know how Vickie and Edge did it, took out Jeff that is. Thank GOD, I did not want a blow by blow of the consummation of their marriage. Vickie swears she had nothing to do with it, and tells Chavo to FETCH HER COFFEE BITCH! 2 sugars! No, 2 Splenda, she’s watching her figure. Yeah we’re watching it too, looks like double 0s.

Finlay tells Horny to stay backstage. Yeah like that will happen.

William Regal is out with Layla and his belt, and a PIMP throne.

IC Title Contender’s Tournament Final Match: CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio

M-m-m-mask! MASK! Always riding on Venom’s trail! Sorry. Lillian fucks up and says CM Punk is one-half of the WWE tag team champions. Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzt! WRONG. We have a lovely basket of fail for you at the front desk. Seriously Rey, PINK?

Rey has control of the arm early, Punk gets a quick rollup for one. Mysterio gets a rollup for one. SERIOUSLY, salmon pink? Punk with a facelock. Some douche in the crowd is yelling “Miz and Morrison”, and some other douches are replying “SUCK!” Meanwhile some good chain wrestling is occurring in the ring. Side headlock now by Punk, Rey pushes him off and gets mown down by a shoulder block. They exchange takedowns and quick covers until Rey goes for the 619 and gets caught with an arm drag. Go to sleep try, Rey out with an arm drag of his own. Rey charges at Punk and gets lifted to the outside, right in front of Regal. Slingshot crossbody by Punk! He caught him a touch high, right on the head. Back inside Punk gets a cover for 2. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Punk gets 2, and we go to a body scissors by Punk. Punk rolls him over and gets a 2 count. Kick to the hamstring by Punk, Rey catches himself on an Irish whip and goes to the apron, and catches Punk with a couple of shoulders. Punk stops Rey and crotches him, and Rey is in the tree of woe. Kicks by Punk, he charges with a knee but Rey sits up and Punk’s knee catches turnbuckle. Moonsault press by Rey! 2 count only. Punk catches Rey running the ropes and hits a snap powerslam for two. Fujiwara armbar by Punk! Remember when that was a finisher? Rey tries to make the ropes but Punk turns the hold into half a Regal Stretch!!! Rey finally makes the ropes. Whip by Punk, Rey ducks under and hits a tilt-a-whirl into a Fujiwara of his own!! Nice spot. Punk makes the ropes and both men are hurting. Punk to the outside, Rey goes to the top HIGH crossbody to Punk! Both men are down on the outside, do I smell double countout? Nope, they’re back in. Springboard senton by Rey, and a crossbody gets 2. Victory roll gets 2 more and Punk rolls through it for 2 of his own! They exchange kicks, Punk misses the high knee but is able to stun gun Rey and then hits the high knee/bulldog combo for 2.67! Suplex by Punk countered, Rey grabs Punk’s hands and pulls them through Punk’s legs to take him down! 2 count only though. Punk in 619 position, but he ducks it!!! Go to Sleep…countered into a headscissors! 619 connects!!! Springboard splash MISSES!! Punk gets rolled up out of nowhere! 1…2…2.72! back elbow by Rey, he goes for another victory roll but Punk catches him! GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP! 1…2…3!

Winner: CM Punk by Pinfall (Go To Sleep)
Rating: ***3/4 This was a tough one to rate, because it was very good, and better than the previous match, but was in no way worth four stars. However, I feel it was better than just a quarter star more. I think it’s right at the rating I gave it, because it was much fun, with a few botches. Rey also seems to have hurt himself.

Regal applauds, and Punk appears to have broken another nose as Rey is spurting blood.

Jeff Hardy is channeling Toad and cuts another promo claiming he’s going to win. One day, he might actually be right.

We get a recap of the HBK-JBL feud so far. For some reason JBL is making his way to the ring.He’s here to introduce his newest employee, Shawn Michaels. Michaels comes out and does not look like it’s a job he wanted. Shawn has a mic and admits that the economy has hit him. He is in a tough spot. He bought houses, cars, motorcycles, and gave handouts to every high school buddy who needed it. He paid for all his own surgeries because he didn’t want to become beholden to WWE for the rest of his life. Once he got married he got an investor to put his money in the stock market….you know, standard rich man made poor. Bottom line, he doesn’t have much time to make back all he’s lost. Because he has people who depend on him, he took JBL up on his offer. He doesn’t like JBL but he is very good financially and that’s what Shawn needs right now. He is not going to become a wrestling tragedy who limps into high school gyms to wrestle. He is not going to let his brothers and sisters lose their houses. If he has to be booed or called a sell out to prevent that, then so be it. Man this crowd is hot tonight. JBL takes the mic from Shawn and offers his hand. Shawn shakes it to a chorus of boos as JBL leaves the ring.

Eve has Orton and The Legacy. Cody Rhodes does all the talking, saying Batista doesn’t have the skills and the pedigree to compete with Randy. Manu says Orton will expose Batista as a fraud. Dang, fat dude can talk too. Orton says nothing. He doesn’t need to. Great way to put over the stable.

Belfast Brawl: Mark Henry vs. Finlay

There is enough moisture in Henry’s beard to bathe Hornswaggle. Finlay does in fact come out alone but for some reason puts down the shillelagh. Finlay starts off with some stiff shots but Henry just picks him up and dumps him outside. Henry follows and gets caugh with a drop toehold into the announce table! He tries to drive Henry back-first to the post but Henry turns it around and Finlay gets it. Whip to the barricade by Henry. Finlay fights back but gets his leg swept out while his is on the apron and he takes a nasty bump. Back inside and Henry lays in the kicks. Big splash misses and Finlay goes to work with knees. He’s going to look for some PLUNDAH~! Trash can! Kendo sticks! Trash can! Kendo sticks! Trash can! Finlay gets on the apron but Atlas hits him in the back with a trashcan lid! Kick to the head by Finlay on Atlas! Finlay gets in the ring and his head gets slammed into Niagara witha lid shot from Henry. Damn. Finlay is in 619 position and gets sat on by Mark Henry, who slides through the ropes in the process. Impressive, and Finlay sold the hell out of it. Headbutts by Big Drippy. Henry charges but Finlay grabs a trash can and CREAMS Henry with it! Kendo stick shots galore! It’s a caning bonanza! Kneeling DDT! Another trashcan shot gets 2 for Finlay. Henry comes back with more headbutts, then stands on him. Banzai drop misses! Finlay is going for the shillelagh but Henry nails him with a big boot to the skull! When the hell did Henry learn to lift his leg??? WOW Henry just snapped the shillelagh over his knee. Kendo stick blocked by Henry, and he breaks that too. Apparently panda bears can’t break bamboo, and Henry just did. Bear hug by Henry, and Hornswaggle is out! He gets knocked off the apron as Finlay is pushed into him. Atlas looks under the ring for Horny in order to perpetrate some man-on-midget violence. In the ring, Henry presses the trash can into Finlay’s chest with all his weight. Ouch. Finlay looks to be done, and Henry throws the steel steps into the ring. Henry charges with the steps, basement dropkick by Finlay takes Henry down! A second shillelagh appears, courtesy of Hornswaggle! WHAM! 1…2…3!

Winner: Finlay via pinfall (shillelagh shot)
Rating: **3/4 This was far better than the last Belfast Brawl at Mania. The weapons were used well, Henry looked vicious and Finlay looked smart. Strange that they are protecting Finlay, but oh well.

Santa Haas is backstage with the Divae. Santino and Beth interrupt so Santino can brag about the Slammy. And since he won the Slammy (they call it Slamantha), he is going to take the next present…The Boogeyman!!! Santino screams and runs, but Golddust! Goldie and Boogey break into song as I mark the hell out.

Video package for Orton-Batista. And now…

Randy Orton vs. Batista

Orton is coming out with the whole Legacy. They should have all 3 of them do the Orton pose. If this were a battle of ink, it would be a tough one to call.

They lock up and go around the ring in the tie up. Orton eventually gains control with a headlock, Batista takes him to the ropes and they break. Back to the headlock for Orton, who goes to a takedown. Kick to the guy by Orton, Batista shoves him to the ropes and erases him with a shoulder block. Batista is taken to the outside where those punk kids lay into him…the ref catches them and ejects them! Damage has been done though as Orton takes Batista’s shoulder to the corner post (never seen that before) and goes to work on it. The arm, not the corner post. That would be dumb. Hammer lock by Orton, converted to an amrbar. Batista powers out and hits a pair of charging clotheslines in opposite corners. Powerslam by Batista! He tries for the Batista Bomb but Orton goes to the eyes to counter, slides out the back and hits a neckbreaker! Knee drop by Orton gets 2, then he applies a neck vise. Again Batista powers out with a body slam, then rams the shoulder into Orton’s midsection. Whip, Batista ducks his head and gets booted for it, but Batista uses Orton’s momentum to take him outside. Batista rolls Orton back in, Orton catches Batista as he comes through the ropes with a stiff kick and a rope-assisted DDT for 2. Orton stomp time! Batista rolls under the rope so Randy goes to the floor and lays in the forerams. Batista falls off the apron to the floor. Back inside and Orton gets 2, then applies the Randy Orton Special chinlock. Batista flips Orton off, but Orton ducks the follow-up clothesline and goes back to the chinlock. Never let Orton face Kozlov. Orton has a body scissors on as well, Batista stands up with Orton still attached, he rams him into the turnbuckles a couple of times before dropping him with a side suplex. They exchange punches, an exchange won by Batista, who then cleans Orton’s clock with a clothesline. Another clothesline takes Orton to the floor! Back inside AGAIN and Batista…goes up top? Orton catches him and goes up with him for a superplex…connects. 1…2…2.74! Whip reversed, Spinebuster!! 2.77! Another Batista Bomb try, countered into an RKO try, countered again…Boss Man Slam by Batista! 1…2…no! Batista sets for the spear…countered with a huge kick by Orton! Spinebreaker gets 2! Orton wants the RKO…either that or he is making love to the mat. Here it comes…blocked! Go Flasher by Batista! 1…2…2.89! That was nice. I think it was a Go Flasher, I’m having a brain fart. Orton gets a boot to Batista’s gut and hits a DDT to regain control. This has been a very good match. Orton sets for the concussion kick, but Batista slams him into the corner. Shoulder charges, he goes for the 10-count punches but Orton tries to pull him down…Batista Bomb connects out of nowhere! 1…2…3!

Winner: Batista via pinfall (Batista Bomb)
Rating: **3/4 Wow. Far better than I expected. A few people were saying that Batista didn’t have his working boots on, but I thought he did well. There were a few awkward moments where both men seemed to be trying the same thing, but overall this was very enjoyable.

Now I remember! Mark Jindrak used it, called it the Mark of Excellence. It’s similar to the Go Flasher though.

Santa’s Little Helper Match: Michelle McCool, Maria, Mickie James and Kelly Kelly vs. Victoria, Natalya, Jillian and Maryse

I thought Maria and Michelle were mad at each other? God this is going to suck. Fun to look at though. Maryse and Mickie (NOT Maurice, as Cole called her) to start, Mickie appears to dislike her as she is nailing her with forearms. Maryse tags in Natalya, and this could be good. BITCH SLAP by Natalya, Mickie with a Thesz press and another bitch slap from Mickie! Kelly Kelly is in and Striker calls her a hot Hebrew. Natalya cranks her arm and gets taken to the heel corner for beatery. I just heard a Sooner say Oy vey. Clothesline by Natalya gets 2. Who’s your daddy, Natalya. Oh yes he is. Jillian is in now, and Striker calls HER the jazzy Jezobel. The commentary is saving this match. Scoop slam by Jillian, she goes for a cartwheel spalsh but Kelly gets her knees up and tags Maria! Forearms by Maria, whip to the corner by Jillian, who charges Maria and gets an elbow followed by a bulldog for 2. Victoria breaks it up and we have a cluster. Maria takes control before Michelle tags herself in and hits the Cool Clash for 3 and the win! On what planet is that less devastating than the Angel’s Wings?

Winners: Michelle McCool, Maria, Mickie James and Kelly Kelly via pinfall (McCool on Jillian, Cool Clash)
Rating: *½ Meh. If it hadn’t been for the commentary, this would have sucked bigger time than it actually did.

KHALI! Khali is here with new pimp-ass Punjabi MC music! Kiss cam time! Michelle gets volun-told but she bails before the deed can be done. The Sultan of Sideburns decides that all 3 should get a shot, but the ladies seem reluctant. Oh Christ, this can’t end well. Singh has a backup plan….MAE YOUNG! Oh God here comes the vegetable Pad Thai I ate for dinner…holy hell she inhaled him! Cut to the back, quick!

World Title Match: John Cena © vs. Chris Jericho

There’s a fair amount of cheering for Jericho, and considerably less boos than normal for Mr Cena. When you think about how much this man has done, the good to great matches he’s had with almost anyone, I find it hard to understand why people think it’s cool to hate him. Anyway, after SOOPER SPESHUL ANNOUNCING, ’tis match time!

They hook up with intensity and Jericho gets a headlock. Cena throws him off and Jericho gets the shoulder block takedown. Boots to the neck by Jericho and a punt to the ribs. Jericho goes for another punt but Cena spears him and lays in the rights. Both men outside, Cena takes Jericho to the steps and follows him back in, only to get caught and stomped. Jericho in control now and whips Cena to the corner, Cena comes out charging with a clothesline. Cena misses a charge and Jericho applies a sleeper. Cena tries to fight out but Jericho holds on. Cena stands up into the FU position!!! Countered into a DDT by Jericho! Great way to play off the finish of the last match. Cena is on the apron, Jericho goes for the springboard dropkick but Cena CATCHES HIM!!! FU position! Jericho fights free then hits a facebuster from the apron to the steps!!!! Back inside and Jericho gets 2. Cena looks out of it as Jericho lays in the boots. Evil heel chokes by Jericho. Snap mare and Jericho applies a modified chinlock. Cena escapes, Jericho charges into the corner and misses. Flying tackles by Cena, followed by the Blue Thunder Bomb. You are unable to visually perceive my personnage! 5 Knuckle Shuffle connects. Cena goes for the FU, countered again! Walls of Jericho attemped and Cena counters! Belly to belly by Cena gets 2. Cena charges into an elbow then eats a missile dropkick for 2 more. Cena gets an arm drag and goes for the Throwback but it too is countered! Lionsault!!! 1…2…2.81!!! Chargin clotheslin in the corner by Jericho, he perches Cena on the top and goes for the superplex, but Cena reverses into a top-rope gourdbuster! Top-rope fameasser! 1…2…2.88!!! Cena is stalking Jericho now, tries the FU AGAIN and AGAIN it is countered into the Codebreaker this time!!!! 1…2…2.93!!!!!!!!!!1 Fuck that was close . Jericho charges, FU! Cena can’t capitalise! He rolls over…1…2…2.90!!! Both men are down and seemingly out. Cena up first, goes to Jericho who was playing possum! Small package gets 2. Step-up enziguiri misses, STFU! Jericho fights it and fights it, and Jericho turns it into the Walls! Cena is in the middle of the ring! He’s crawling for the ropes but Jericho drags him back! Cena somehow rolls through and locks in the STFU! Jericho taps right away!!! What the fuck sort of fucking bullshit is that? He couldn’t fight it for a while first?

Winner: John Cena via submission (STFU)
Rating: ***¼ The ending pissed me off and knocked off some points. This was another good outing for these two, who work very well together. Cena was looking vulnerable until Jericho tapped after 2 seconds of the STFU. The rest of the match was even and didn’t bury Jericho.

Edge won the text vote regarding the identity of Jeff’s attacker and we skip to a video package around the main event, including Edge and his beard winning the WWE title.

WWE Title Match: Edge © vs. HHH vs. Jeff Hardy

JR mentions that Hardy debuted at 16, a couple weeks after I could have done with hearing that for Ask 411. Thanks JR. The greatest heel in the business today is out and looking natural with the belt around his waist.
Sounds like there’s a sizeable Toronto contingent in the crowd.

Hardy starts off hot, taking it successfully to both men. He whips Edge into HHH then HHH into Edge, before hitting a corner splash on both and using HHH’s back to hit Poetry in Motion on Edge! Nice start. Hardy throws HHH out but turns his back on Edge and gets levelled. Edge charges and gets thrown outside! Hardy slignshots over and hits a crossbody on Edge as HHH flees, then reappears on the scene with a strong clothesline as Hardy recovers. Hardy tries to fight back but he gets thrown into the barricade. HHH and Edge go at it in the ring now, Edge in control. He lays in shots to HHH’s forehead, HHH tries to come back but Edge gets a Yakuza kick for 2. Edge with a whip but HHH counters with the high knee, then a reverse neckbreaker. Corner clotheslines by HHH, Edge reverses a whip but ducks his head and eats the facebuster. HHH goes for a Pedigree which is broken up by Hardy, who then gets a facebuster for his troubles. Pedigree try to hardy is stopped, HHH goes after Edge again but Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind to break it up again! Hardy is whipped in, he went for the Whisper again but slipped and Edge goes for a back suplex off the top. HHH comes over and sets Edge in the Doomsday Device position…Whisper in the Wind!!! Fuck Me Edge is dead!!! That’s Motrin pain, right on the back of the head. All 3 men are down. Hardy covers Edge and HHH breaks it up at 2. HHH whips Jeff, again he goes up and HHH catches him with a boot tio the gut. Pedigree tried and countered, Hardy hits the corner mule dropkick on HHH. Edge comes up behind Hardy and hits the Edge-cator for 2. Edge wants a spear on someone, Hardy leapfrogs it and Edge hits HHH! Hardy takes Edge over the top with a clothesline and hits the Twist of Fate on HHH!!! Swanton! 1…2…NO!!! Edge pulls Hardy to the floor! Hardy is thrown into the barricade. Tremendous, Grisham and Striker have their Slammy on their desk! Hardy blocks an attempt to introduce his face to the announce table, and turns the tables on Edge. Edge is thrown to the barricade and now Hardy has lost it as he takes apart the Smackdown announce table. HHH comes out of nowhere to catch Hardy in the back of the head, and now he’s taking apart the Raw announce table. HHH is standing alone, he has Hardy on the announce table (the Raw one) and goes for the Pedigree…no! Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate…No! Edge comes charging across the tables, HHH sidesteps and Edge spears Hardy off the Raw table through the Smackdown table! Edge and HH eventually back in the ring, Pedigree countered and Edge-cution! Edge is thinking Spear…SPinebuster by HHH! Kick, wham, Pedigree! KOZLOV! He throws HHH into the steps, and here’s Matt Hardy! Jeff goes to the top, Edge is out! Kozlov pushes Jeff Hardy off the top!!! Kozlov and Matt Hardy fight to the back and everyone is dead! Edge is in the ring, HHH is getting back in. Spear! 1…2…2.79! Edge has a crazed look, he’s gone for a chair! No, 2 chairs! Strike up the orchestra, it’s time for a…NO!!! Jeff blocks and hits Edge with the chair! Hardy up top and gets crotched by HHH! Damn this is pulse-pounding! Kick Wham Pedigree to Edge! Hardy hits a Swanton! 1…2…3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hardy has done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winner, and NEW CHAMPION!!!!! Jeff Hardy via pinfall (on Edge, Swanton after Pedigree)
Rating: ****¼ OK, some of that rating is for the title win that I’ve been calling for for months. However, this was a VERY exciting and solid match that any of the 3 could have won. Tremendous match and once again, Edge is a part of the best match of a show.

Jeff Hardy celebrates in the ring as the commentators say nothing to let him have his moment. Surprisingly Matt Hardy does not come out for a celebration. Hardy is on top of the set with the belt as we fade to black.