411’s WWE Elimination Chamber Report 02.21.10

It’s time, boys and girls, for Elimination Chamber! And why do wrestlers put themselves through this shit?

We’re crazy to the max!

The set looks epic. They’re dropping the cage, which means a Chamber match to open the show! And it’s the Raw one!

WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match – John Cena vs. Ted DiBiase vs. Randy Orton vs. HHH vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus (C)

Cena’s first out Lots of boos for Cena but the quickly are either drowned out or they subside. Pop quiz: When was the last time that Cena was first through the curtain at a PPV? Teddy is next and I figured he would open with Orton. Speaking of The Viper, he’s next out and he gets to the ring in record time and to a massive pop. HHH does his thing, and Kofi comes out looking behind him to make sure he’s not jumped. Sheamus gets some good heat and stares down each person in the match in turn, He and Kofi will start us off.

Kofi starts with some stiff kicks and a flying forearm for 2. A dropkick gets 2 more on the champ. Kofi goes to the arm but gets caught with a kick to the gut and a knee to the head. Big “RKO” chant. Cole says Sheamus changed the complexion of WWE, and Lawler says not to talk about complexion. Kofi tries to mount a comeback but bites a big back elbow and a running foot to the chest. They each counter hip tosess onto the metal grating, Kofi hits an head kick and gets a 2 count. Kofi’s whip is reversed but Sheamus runs into a boot. Kofi tries a sunset flip but Sheamus drops down to counter. Again Kofi tries some kicks but he gets shoved into the side of HHH’s pod. Uranage backbreaker by Sheamus gets 2. The countdown stops and next man out is…HHH! He gives a sinister smile and stares down the Celtic Warrior. They face off while Kofi convalesces, and here come the fisticuffs! HHH gets the upper hand and nails the high knee. Knee drop by HHH gets 2. Corner clothesline by HHH, and he beats Sheamus down. Another clothesline gets a 2 count. Kofi is still lounging around, the idle layabout. Sheamus and HHH each try and take each other to the chainlink, each man blocks. HHH elbows Sheamus and clotheslines him back into the ring, but gets a boot to the face on a charge. Celtic Bomb tried, HHH gets out the back and hits a DDT for 2. KOFI off the top with a crossbody to Sheamus for 2! He has double chops for everyone, then whips HHH into Sheamus! 10-spot punches in the corner to Sheamus and a flying clothesline. SLINGSHOT BOOM DROP to HHH on the grating! Sheamus blindsides him with a clothesline and rolls him back inside for a 2 count. Countdown is on…Orton! He clotheslines everyone and stamps on Sheamus and HHH. He levels Kofi with a European uppercut then stamps on Sheamus some more. Kneedrop to the head of HHH.Cover on Sheamus gets 2. Orton sends Sheamus to the grating and then throws him into the chainlink! Again! And again! HHH comes over and he gets a hat trick of chainlink! Orton stamps away at Sheamus KOFI! He flies in and takes out all three men!!! Orton rolls inside, Kofi springboards INTO A DROPKICK! 1…2…no! A clip shows that Kofi jumped from one corner to the other to clear out the three men. HHH breaks up the Orton-on-Kofi violence and hits the jawjacker, only to get caught in a snap powerslam. Orton is in stalking mode, he’s got HHH in his sights!!! HHH pushes him off, Kofi misses the Trouble in Paradise! Orton tries the RKO on Kofi but is pushed into a HHH boot, Pedigree! NO! Orton backdrops him onto the grating! Kofi charges and he goes the same way! Sheamus is up and he rams Orton arm-first into the corner! Countdown! DiBiase! He goes after everyone except Orton, then stares him down in the corner. Orton is slumped against the bottom turnbuckle, and DiBiase offers his hand! He pulls Orton up and both men go after HHH. They stomp him down then go after Sheamus, ramming his shoulder into the post. They grind Kofi’s face into the chain and then choke him on it. Oh this is awesome, Kofi’s head is stuck in the chainlink while DiBiase applies a Boston Crab and Orton stamps on his back. HHH and Orton exchange rights until DiBiase clocks him from behind. Orton holds HHH while DiBiase lays the boots in, then they throw him to the grating. They throw HHH back-first into the chain, and now Orton is setting HHH for the elevated DDT…he stops, goes to the grating and DROPS HIM ON THE STEEL INSTEAD!!! Only one man can adequately describe that:

He dead!

The countdown starts as Orton and DiBiase circle the door to Cena’s pod. Here he comes and he is a house! En! Fuego~! Shoulders and clotheslines everywhere! 5-knuckle shuffle for Orton! Throwback for DiBiase…Super FameAsser to DiBiase! He takes him up for the Attitude Adjustment…stops to use DiBiase to smack Orton….drops him TO THE GRATING! Orton has recovered enough to throw Cena out onto the grating, leaving Orton as the last man up. I think Kofi is still stuck in the fence. Orton tries to take Cena to the chain but it’s reversed! STF to DiBiase!!! Orton breaks it up! Chinlock backbreaker! He stalks Cena and Cody Rhodes is at ringside with a pipe! He’s trying to get Orton’s attention but Orton wants none of it, so Cody drops the pipe in the ring anyway. RKO countered by Cena! Attitude Adjustment…DiBiase has the pipe! He nails…ORTON! He nails Cena! He looks at both men…covers Orton! 1…2…3!

Ted DiBiase eliminates Randy Orton via pinfall (pipe shot)

Sheamus levels HHH as Orton and DiBiase stare each other down. Sheamus picks up Kofi but gets countered with a headscissors back into the ring! Kofi…Trouble in Paradise on DiBiase! 1…2…3!

Kofi Kingston eliminates Ted DiBiase via pinfall(Trouble in Paradise)

Sheamus NAILS Kofi with the pump kick. Celtic Bomb…connects! 1…2…3!

Sheamus eliminates Kofi Kingston via pinfall (Celtic Bomb)

Cena gets hit with a knee trembler by Sheamus. Cena gets him up for the Attitude Adjustment but Sheamus escapes and hits the uranage backbreaker again. Powerslam gets 2. He hangs Cena in the tree of Woe and stamps away, then lifts Cena for the Celtic Bomb…HHH low blows Sheamus1 PEDIGREE TO THE CHAMP! He drapes an arm over him! 1…2…3!!!

Triple H eliminates Sheamus via pinfall (Pedigree)

Cena struggle to his feet…STF! HHH struggles and fights and struggles…Cena holds on…HHH fights for the ropes…Cena wrenches back…HHH looks to be fading…HE TAPS!

Winner, and NEW WWE Champion: John Cena via submission (STF)
Rating: ***½

NO CHANCE!

Vince McMahon is out! He congratulates Cena and says he’s going to WrestleMania, as long as he can defend his championship RIGHT NOW against…

WWE Championship Match – Batista vs. John Cena (C)

Mysterious~ strikes again! The bell rings and Cena lands a right hand with very little mustard behind it. SPEAR by Batista sends Cena to Kansas City! BATISTA BOMB! 1…2…3!

Winner, and NEW WWE Champion: Batista via pinfall (Batista Bomb)
Rating: **

Well, that cheapens Money in the Bank.

Recap of the Bret Hart angle.

WWE Intercontinental Title Match – Drew McIntyre (C) vs Kane

Holy hell, Drew’s new music is awesome, and it suits him perfectly. He is also the new challenger for the Slow Walk of the Night award.

Drew opens up with a flurry but runs into one stiff right from Kane. Kane beats down Drew in the corner and gets a snap mare and a basement dropkick for 2. Headlock takedown by Kane. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. Kane gets a shoulder block and a cover for 1, then back to the headlock takedown. Swinging neckbreaker by Kane gets 2 more. Drew avoids a charging Kane and lays in the forearms in the corner, then tries a clothesline. Kane stays on his feet, so Drew comes off the ropes and runs into Kane’s arm. Drew ducks another clothesline and kicks away at the knee of Kane, then cranks Kane’s arm over the top rope. More shots in the corner by Drew and a lungblower-type move to the arm gets 2. Armbar by Drew transitioned into a top wristlock. Kane gets to his feet and just POWERS drew over the top and to the floor. Whip by Kane but he drops his head and gets kicked, armbar DDT gets 2 more. Another armbar applied by Drew, Kane punches out but eats a Japanese Legitimate Businessman’s Kick! Future Shock…Kane back drops out of it and kicks Drew in the face. Shots in the corner, a whip and a corner clothesline. Kane charges again into a boot, Drew goes up top but leaps into a throat thrust! 1…2…no! Side slam by Kane gets 2 more. Kane goes up top…flying clothesline! He sets for the chokeslam…GOOZLE! Drew bails to the apron, but Kane catches him. Both men on the apron and Kane hits a big boot, sending Drew to the floor. More floor beatdown by Kane, he rolls the champ back in and goes back to work. Drew bails again and has had enough but Kane chases him down! Kane takes him to the railing and rolls him back in, GOOZLE! Drew backs to the corner, the ref tries to break the hold…thumb to the eye by Drew! FUTURE SHOCK! 1…2…3!

Winner: Drew McIntyre via pinfall (Future Shock DDT)

Maryse greets Gail Kim backstage and trash talks her again in French. Gail surprises her by pointing out that she too speaks French. Then she gives her the Maryse hand gesture! Tremendous.

WWE Divas Title Match: Maryse vs Gail Kim

This just in, Maryse is smokin’. Gail comes storming out, and we’re ready to EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! Vickie is pissed that the Raw Divas have been making disparaging remarks about the SmackDown Divas. As a Diva herself, she can safely say that the hottest women are on Smackdown. She postpones the match to a tag team match. Yes, she really said that.

Michelle McCool and Layla vs. Gail Kim and Maryse

Gail takes Layla over with a pair of arm drags. Gail tries to tag in Maryse but it goes awry. Layla hits that beautiful roll-through rollup of hers for a one count, then lays in some kicks. Whip by Layla but the charge misses, Gail with a rollup for 2. Whip and a shoulder charge in the corner by Gail, she goes up top but Michelle comes running over and kicks her off and to the floor! Tag to Michelle and they hit the double baseball slide. Michelle rolls Gail in and gets 2. Camel clutch applied by Michelle. She breaks the hold and whips Gail in but drops her head and eats a boot. Gail tries to tag but Maryse pushes her away and into the Styles Clash! 1…2…3!

Winners: Team LayCool via pinfall (Styles Clash)
Rating: ¼*

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking Pinky?”
“I think so Brain, but Gail Kim doesn’t even look like Kin Jong Il, why would I search her for WMD’s?”

The Miz is backstage with Josh to talk about NXT. He asks about Daniel Bryan and says he may be King of the Indies, but Miz sees a guy who’s first in line at the Star Wars convention, a guy who’s as big a loser as the St. Louis Rams. MVP interrupts Miz’s catchphrase and points out that he pinned Miz on Monday and said that earned him a US title shot…tonight. Again?

WILLIAM REGAL is out! He puts over NXT and shuts the “WHAT!” crowd up effectively. He wants respect because he has more experience than the other pros.

I just noticed that JR tweeted this during the Chamber match:
Wish King would backhand Striker. Cole directing traffic. Chamber hard 2 follow. Striker’s on an adjective rush. Intervention pls.

Edge interrupts Regal. This should be amusing. Regal asks him what he wants. “I’m sorry Lord Snugglesworth” – Edge. He’s here to tell the WWE Universe something they might actually want to hear. He talks about his choice of champion, and says he will make that decision on Raw. But tonight he’s here to do something else. SPEAR! Wow, didn’t see that coming…

There goes another Sarcasmatron.

WWE US Title Match – The Miz (C) vs. MVP

Big Show is out with Miz. Mark Henry is out with MVP. The commentators are still talking about Daniel Bryan. He’ll get some kind of push out of this.

Miz trash talks and gets slapped and then gets the red-headed stepchild treatment. Knee lifts to the gut by MVP, a slam and a knee drop gets 2. Miz catches MVP with an elbow but then gets tossed overhead with a belly to belly throw. Clothesline on the outside by MVP, he throws Miz inside and gets 2. Miz reverses a whip and hits a back elbow, then a running kick to the ribs. MVP ducks a clothesline and hits a flying forearm and some mounted punches for 2, then gets an armbar. He tacks on a dragon sleeper but Miz turns into it and whips MVP to the corner, MVP tries to leapfrog Miz charging in but Miz catches his legs and DROPS to an inverted lungblower! SWEET. 2 count only off that move. Miz stomps away and hits a Boss Man attack. Lawler asks Cole if he was mentored, Cole says he was for 13 years and for tonight’s event. That’s a barb at JR who announced on Twitter that he sent Cole some notes for tonight. Miz kicks MVP in the ribs and gets a 2. Chinlock by Miz. They are back to talking about Daniel Bryan being impressive in the ring. MVP with a small package! 2 count only, and he gets kick for having the audacity to try it. MVP rolls him up again! 1…2…no. Shades of Monday night. Miz goes to the mount and lays in some lefts. MVP lunges with a HUGE shot sending Miz to the corner but Miz reverses the whip and hits a clothesline for 2. Half camel clutch applied by Miz. MVP stands up…ELECTRIC CHAIR! 1…2…no! MVP with some rights but Miz comes back with a kick and a French Kiss DDT! 1…2…no! Stiff elbow to the head by Miz and another chinlock. Again MVP gets to his feet and he backs Miz into the corner, Miz takes him down again. Another running kick to the ribs. Miz hits the running clothesline in the corner, then goes up top…CROTCHED! MVP slugs away at Miz, goes up top with him…Miz fights him off and headbutts him down…MVP is up…KURT ANGLE style suplex off the top! Miz is BLEEDING! Stop the match!! They slug it out on their knees, to their feet and MVP wins the exchange. Flapjack, jawjacker and it may be time to fly high, no lie, you know this…BALLIN’! 1…2…no! Miz makes the ropes. Big Show hauls him to the floor, Mark Henry rams Show into the corner post and Show returns the favour by LAUNCHING Henry through the barricas and demolishing it! On the inside, MVP charges with the Yakuza…MISSES! Big Show knocks him out! 1…2…3!

Winner: The Miz via pinfall (Big Show KO Punch)
Rating: **3/4

Recap of the Raw Chamber and aftermath, to allow the ring crew time to set up the Chamber again.

World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match – Rey Mysterio vs. John Morrison vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Undertaker vs. CM Punk vs. R-Truth

Rey chucks his t-shirt to a guy who is close enough to touch the Chamber. Morrison is out and showing no ill effects on his ankle. This match has all sorts of potential. 5 very talented, very quick men, and The Undertaker who has had some great performances in this type of match. THE UNDERTAKER’S DONG is on! He practically sprints to the ring (by his standards). Here comes my boy Punk with his disciples. He has a mic and talks about the 4 men who are locked in a prison of addiction, like they are locked in the Chamber with him. He wants them to think of him beating them not as failure, but as him saving them and setting them free. R-Truth interrupts with his rap. You’d think someone would have told him what “up” was by now.

Punk and Truth to start. Truth takes Punk down with a shoulder then eats a leg lariat and gets 2. Whip by Punk, Truth avoids a couple of attacks and hits a leg lariat of his own for two. He throws Punk onto the grating but Truth gets a double-leg and CATAPULTS Punk into the chain! He takes Punk into a pod then goes up top…SOMERSAULT SENTON off the top into Punk! Truth whips Punk into the chain thrice then rolls him inside and hits The Stroke. Truth misses a kick. Punk takes him up for the Go 2 Sleep! Truth out the back, he misses the corkscrew elbow and gets NAILED with a stiff kick and the Go 2 Sleep! 1…2…3!

CM Punk eliminates R-Truth via pinfall (Go 2 Sleep)

Punk gets the mic and points to Taker, telling him he better pray that his pod opens last because Punk is going to make him tap again. He points to Morrison and says he will prove that his decadent rock star lifestyle leads to no good. Then he wants us to feel CM Punk flow through him. Ew. The countdown is on…REY! He comes out with right hands and the springboard senton! Crossbody gets 2! He rolls through a sunset flip and kicks Punk’s head to the 5th row! 1…2…no! Drop toehold by Rey, 619 position! Here it comes…POWERSLAM by Punk! 1…2…no! He sets for the Go 2 Sleep, REVERSED! Rana by Rey! 1…2…no! Rey goes on the attack on the grating, he tries the rana but Punk holds on! He swings Rey into the chains HARD! And again! He throws him into the ring, cover! 1…2…no. Running high knee by Punk, he runs and LAUNCHES Rey between the ropes and head-first into a pod! Jesus! 1…2…2.809! Punk perches Rey up top and gos up with him, Rey fights him off and Rey is climbing the pod! Punk chases him and NO WAY! NO FUCKING WAY! G2S from the top??!!! No, Rey slides off. He kicks out the foot of Punk, crotching him, and goes up top…RANA to the steel! Springboard splash! 1…2…3!!!

Rey Mysterio eliminates CM Punk via pinfall (Springboard splash)

Countdown hits right away and it’s…Jericho! He eats a monkey flip right away! Rey flips over the back of Jericho but gets levelled with a clothesline. BIG flapjack by Jericho. Lionsault attempt, Jericho lands on his feet bit Rey dropkicks the knee! 619 position…connects! Jericho rolls out of the ring to the grating, Rey tries a springboard but Jericho ducks, Rey holds on to the chain! Jericho yanks him off and Rey lands face-first on the steel! Jericho takes him to the chain twice, Rey rolls inside and Jericho hits a slingshot splash for 2. Jericho stands on Rey’s back. Rey fights back with some kicks but Jericho hits a snap mare and locks in a modified arm-in chinlock. ASK HIM! Rey fights out, ducks a clothesline and hits a quebrada press for 2. Rey avoids a charge, tilt-a-whirls himself and locks in a guillotine choke! Striker pisses me off by calling it a dragon sleeper. Jericho rams Rey into the turnbuckle to break the hold and then locks in the Walls! The countdown is on with Rey still in the hold! Morrison! Jericho breaks the hold to confront Morrison but it does him no good as he eats a dropkick, and another for Rey. Jericho gets launched to the grating. Morrison attacks Rey and tries to lift him to the grating, Rey lands on his feet! Springboard INTO A STIFF KICK by Morrison! Jericho reverses a knee lift by Morrison into a schoolboy for 2. He whips Morrison in but charges into a boot, Morrison to the top but Rey jumps up with him and pushes him backwards into a pod! Rey charges Jericho but gets lifted on to the grating! He pushes Rey into the chain and sets for MORRISON with a flying double clothesline over the corner post! Inside he hits the standing SSP for 2. Rey hits a back elbow to a charging Morrison and ranas him into 619 position…JERICHO intercepts with the spinning shock treatment! 1…2…no! He whips Rey to the corner but eats the flying Chuck from Morrison! Mysterio ranas Morrison to the bottom turnbuckle! He puts Morrison up top…here comes the super rana…MORRISON BLOCKS! Starship Pain…CONNECTS! 1…2…3!

John Morrison eliminates Rey Mysterio (pinfall, Starship Pain)

Kicks to the chest of Jericho, he goes to the well one too many times and Jericho catches the leg! Leg trip by Jericho, he locks in the Walls! Countdown is on…Undertaker time! He bails jericho with right hands and hits an avalanche. Snake eyes and the big boot connects. Another boot for Morrison, big leg to Jericho gets 2. Chokeslam time…GOOZLE! Another goozle for Morrison! They both fight it off and hit a double suplex on Taker. They clothesline Taker up and over, Morrison with a Magistral cradle! 1…2…no! Jericho rolls outside then backdrops Morrison to the grating. Jericho toys with Taker, which may go down as the dumbest move ever. Taker gets pissed and Jericho tries to hide in the pod…unsuccessfully. Taker pulverises him then hits an avalanche on Morrison, and a second. Snake eyes by Taker and the big FLYING CHUCK! He nailed it! He’s selling the ankle injury though! Instead of the pin he goes for Starship Pain…KNEES! Jericho thinks this would be a good time to go after Taker, but Taker sits up and Jericho flees to the pod and closes the door. Taker looks out of it but throws Morrison to the grating and stamps away. He throws Morrison into the pod door and the plexiglass gives but does not go down. Taker goes for the Last Ride on Morrison…Jericho charges and spears Taker! Morrison hangs on to the chains as taker charges Jericho…Jericho moves! Taker goes THROUGH the pod plexiglass! Morrison comes off the chains with a crossbody!Morrison and Jericho roll into the ring, kick to the head by Morrison on Jericho! 1…2…no! Morrison forgot about Taker and gets goozled! CHOKESLAM to the grating! 1…2…3!

Undertaker eliminates John Morrison via pinfall (chokeslam on the grating)

Taker stalks Jericho, Jericho charges and eats a pair of rights. Corner beatery by Taker now, he backs up and hits a running high knee in the corner. He tries a running boot but Jericho moves! He goes up top with Taker…superplex connects! 1…2…2.68! Knee drop by Jericho and some rights, he comes off the ropes GOOZLE! Jericho rolls through to the Walls! Taker counters with Hell’s Gate…BLOCKED! Walls locked in! Taker has nowhere to go! He rolls to his back and almost gets the Hell’s Gate, Jericho fights and uses the ropes as leverage to escape! ZOMBIE SIT-UP! He picks up Jericho for the Tombstone…Jericho out the back! CODEBREAKER! 1…2…2.9003! Jericho with the 10-count punches in the corner, Taker grabs on! LAST RIDE! He makes the sign for the Tombstone…MICHAELS COMES THROUGH THE GRATING! SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! Jericho covers! 1…2…3!!!!!

Winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Jericho via pinfall (HBK’s Sweet Chin Music)
Rating: ***3/4

Michaels stands stoically over Taker as Jericho leaves.