411’s WWE Experience Report 04.03.05

WWE Experience Report
04.03.05
Taped from: Hollywood, CA
Hosts: Todd Grisham & Ivory

On tap for ‘The Experience’:

– Legend Killer at it Again
– WrestleMania Promotion
– More WrestleMania Promotion

Tood & Ivory are PUMPED beyond belief, as they are coming to us from the 6700 block of Hollywood Boulevard in Hollywood, California. Ivory dances a little jig in her snappy black leather sun dress & shades, while Todd does all the talking in his golden dress shirt with black coat. Now it’s time for Todd to dance a jig as Ivory tells him he looks “fabulous,” and Todd literally shakes Ivory by her shoulders, informing her that WrestleMania is tonight. You think? Really?

Todd puts over that Ivory has WM experience, allowing her to boast that she is a 3-time Women’s Champion, and remind us that she wrestled just four years ago in Houston, TX in WrestleMania X7. This naturally segues into…

Feature #1: Highlight from RAW: Arm Wrestling Contest: Christy Hemme w/ Lita vs. Trish Stratus

Trish & Christy lock up, rarin’ to go …. 3 …. 2 ….. ohhhh, Trish pulls free! She’s not ready, and so proceeds to grab her burdensomely heavy Women’s Title Belt and do some not unflattering bicep curls. A Steiner bicep kiss later, and all preparations complete, as Miss Stratus is finally prepared to compete against Christy, and so begins our arm wrestling contest…

Christy with the early curl! This one’s over in 0.76 seconds!

Wait, wait … Trish needs a re-match on this one. Obviously she’s not the physical superior of Chri …. she loses again! Wait gives here??

Trish doesn’t know either, so she beats the snot out of Ring Announcer Lillian Garcia, before mule kicking the bent over Lita right smack in her rump. Christy, for some reason, can merely react much as a tawdry strumpet would, not doing a mere thing…

Ivory says “My god that’s going to be a great match! All these people here are coming to see it, right now!” I wonder what % of the viewing public actually believes that.

Up Next: Return of the CCC!

Commercials:

-Upcoming RAW schedule; feel the action & intensity: Inglewood, CA; Inglewood, CA; Brisbane, AUS; Newcastle, AUS; Sydney, AUS. An experience like no other.
-Do not try MX vs. ATV at home
-I wouldn’t even know how to try that at home

WWE Slam of the Week: John Cena commits Vandalism

Ivory huddles with two nine year old children, “Cody” & “Fred,” claiming them to be her “little helpers.” Be a bit more discreet next time, will ya Ivory? Geezz…

Feature #2: Highlight from SmackDown!: Singles Contest: John Cena vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

JIP … Cena in control in the SW turnbuckle .. oh Carlito supplants his authority! Two toe kicks and a couple right hands later, and Cool has gained a momentary advantage over the #1 Contender … Carlito poses for a bit, however, allowing Cena the time necessary to recover and make his comeback! Kick to the gut .. right hand after right hand … over to the SE corner, where he plants Carlito’s face into the cloth-covered turnbuckle multiple and myriad times … 1 …. 2 … 3 .. 4 .. 5 .. 6 ..7 … 8 .. 9 ……. 10! …Clothesline! Non-POUNCE flying shoulder block!! PUMP IT UP!

Ohhhh J. Bradshaw Layfield enters the ring, leading a veritable brigade of police officers! They’re here to arrest Cena for his PRE-MEDITATED VANDALISM last week on SmackDown! The cops storm the ring and cuff Cena, who is then led toward the back – he doesn’t quite make it all the way there, however, as JBL verbally berates him, before kicking John squar’ in the nuts. And thus, Cena is finally forced to truly bow at the feet of a ‘wrestling god.’

But will he be bowing this Sunday??

Feature #3: Highlights of WWE Superstars in Hollywood

John Cena states how good it feels “to be back on the Westside,” Adam Copeland signs a few autographs alongside Maria, William Regal speaks to some municipal parliament of some sort, Stone Cold makes rounds about the talk show circuit, Trish hits the streets, and some little kid says he’d choose WrestleMania over his own mother.

The dastardly ingrate.

Up Next: Who says he didn’t win ‘Tough Enough?’

Commercials:

-Eugene offers a woman chocolate, but she quickly turns them down
-Man, I’ve never seen a woman refuse an offer of chocolate.
-Did you see that study a few years back that showed how chocolate triggers the same nerve centre reactions in women as does an orgasmic experience?
-See, Eugene knows what he’s doing. Retard, I think not.

WWE Rewind: Kurt blindsides Michaels >> Hassan still yet to be pinned

Ivory hopes the Angle-Michaels feud will end tonight. Surprisingly, she didn’t editorialize, as she is wont to do, and openly root for babyface Shawn.

Feature #4: Highlight from SmackDown!: That Journalism’s a Tough Gig

Backstage at ‘SD!,’ Josh Mathews is STANDING BY with Kurt Angle. “Kurt, has your strategy for WrestleMania changed since you failed to take out Shawn Michaels?”

Whaaa?? Kurt is APPALLED that Josh would even SUGGEST he failed in his wanton attack this past Monday night. Now, to answer the question, Kurt just has one simple illustration for Josh ….

….

Deboing the crap out of him! Kurt elbows Josh right in his face and escorts him down to the ring, where he throws Josh LITERALLY THREE QUARTERS THE WAY ACROSS THE STAGE!! Man, Josh can ROLL!

King has the line of the night here, as he calmly queries, “What the hell goes on over here on SmackDown!?” Our pair travel to the ring, now, as Kurt labels him with upper cuts, clotheslines, and right hands, eventually busting the poor, struggling journalist wide open. A minutes later, the camera is focused on Josh who puts on his best “Why me??” face …. Ohhhh Mathews with a straight right to Kurt’s jaw! Whoaaaa ANGLE SLAM!! And what a sell job by Josh, as his leg falls out from underneath him! Ankle Lock later, and Josh is madly tapping out. Someone needs to inform that kid that tapping means jack squat outside the time constraints of the ring bell. Finally content with the beating he just gave (and making sure to lie his boot flatly across Josh’s exposed neck), Kurt gets on the stick and tells Shawn that’s what he can expect come Sunday evening. Kurt Angle video package follows.

I have simply one question relative to the above: how exactly does Josh Mathews factor into Shawn’s legacy?

Up Next: Why can Undertaker only speak in stilted phrases nowadays?

Commercials:

-WrestleMania goes Hollywood … tonight!!
-“As my head spins like 18 inch chromed-out rims / …
-Please. Stop now. You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT write verse.
-Upcoming SmackDown! schedule; feel the action & intensity: Inglewood, CA; San Diego, CA; Melbourne, AUS; Perth, AUS; Adelaide, AUS. An experience like no other.

Todd asks Randy Orton, if the bell will toll for thee.

Okay, he didn’t say it exactly like that, but I gave the man the benefit of the doubt he was referencing John Donne.

I think I may give Todd a bit too much credit. That’s a scary proposition.

Feature #5: UT / Orton Hype

Undertaker 12 >> 0 highlight package plays, as we see Orton more frightened than a drugged mule. He then ducks out of the ring, only to be accompanied by a whole lot of FIRE.

Todd comments that if he were in Orton’s shoes, he likely would have soiled himself. I don’t think you need me to elaborate on that with yet another pithy comment.

Ivory, however, claims that Orton soiling himself could be an effective defence mechanism. Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOOOAAHHH. Put a lid on it there, lassie!

Feature #6: UT / Orton Hype, Part II

Papa Orton gets on the stick, saying that while it feels great to get back into the ring, he is quite content with the expanse of his career. He asks Undertaker to come out and meet him in the ring, so he can have a heart-to-heart, man-to-man, father-to-father talk.

UT obliges, of course, and thus we have a 2 minute, 25 second respite before our festivities can resume. Once Taker is content with his gait, the dye job on his ‘burns, and how his hat hair fares, Bob Orton is permitted to address him. Bob speaks to UT as a concerned parent, one who had told his son to go call out “the biggest baddest dude in the back,” and by golly that’s exactly what Randy’s done. He’s shown great respect to UT by doing such, but the way he’s displayed these emotions wasn’t quite as respectful — and for that, Bob Orton apologises on behalf of his son. Please, Taker, put the “Beast” or the “Dragon” or what have you back to rest and just take it a bit easy on the lil’ whippersnapper, will you?

Taker says what Randy Orton did (slap UT upside the grille) is irreversible … he cannot show any leniency to Randy in light of his recent actions.

At this point, Bob GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES to beg … to plead … to beseech ….

….

R! K! O! It was all a setup! Randy and Bob scamper off as Taker attempts to get back on his feet ….. ohhhh but he collapses in a heap of his own pain.

Up Next: Heavyweight Championship of the World, in the balance

Commercials:

-If you don’t order WrestleMania, you are doomed to sink lower and lower into a deepening concentric sphere of intensifying depravity until you can neither speak, nor hear, nor think any longer, except to lament upon the faint echoes of Beelzebub himself that shall fill your ear for all eternity
-Or so WWE would have you believe

WrestleMania Recall: Austin stuns Michaels en route to the WWF Championship at WM XIV, with a modicum of aide from a fast-counting ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson

Ivory speculates that Stone Cold & Piper might be rather “cozy” with one another. No, for the last time, wrestling is NOT homoerotic.

Hey Feinstein, get back in the corner over there.

Feature #7: Highlight from RAW: Hunter & Dave iron out some issues

We pick this up with Trip on the mic, imploring Dave to “look into my eyes … see the future …” No, I REPEAT: wrestling is NOT homoerotic!

… we cut to … Dave on the stick, informing Hunter (1) that as of April 3, he will cease to hold the World Heavyweight Title, and (2) “I don’t quite know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it…” Come on, how many times do I have to say this; WRESTLING IS NOT HOMOEROTIC. You are NOT making it easy on me, Hunter & Dave.

Anyhow, apparently Triple H is an a**hole, something the crowd responds to with great enthusiasm and VIGGAAH. Batista & Trip now get nose to nose, rubbing each’s face into the other’s … NO DAMMIT this is NOT homoerotic in the least. GEEZ!

Triple H slaps Dave upside the head, which sets the big man OFF, into a spree of unmitigated violence upon The Game. The best part to me is when Batista throws off NINE security guys. That’s just hilarious.

Todd informs Ivory that, come tonight, he’s going to help her “try on” her dress. Okay, that’s most surely Messer Grisham’s greatest comment of the year. I gotta give up the props to him there.

T&I run down the WM card with much excitement. Hey, remember what I said above; you definitely do NOT want Beelzebub whispering sweet nothings into your ear for all eternity. Get this PPV or suffer the resultant uncouth consequences.

And while you’re at it, make sure and stop by 411 EARLY & OFTEN during the course of the event for Editing Tsar Larry Csonka’s LIVE~! WrestleMania coverage, or you’ll incur the wrath of 411’s own personal Beelzebub, webmaster Ashish. Wait, I mean, I love you Ashish! XXOOXOXOXXOOXOXO

Also, don’t you DARE forget to frequent 411 the following night for Alex Obal’s INGENIUS live coverage of RAW. But, you watch RAW, you claim? Then read Alex’s coverage side by side your television during the commercial breaks! Seriously, it’s THAT good!!

Here’s to a great PPV!