411’s WWE Extreme Rules Report 6.07.09

Greetings humanity! Welcome to our live report of WWE’s Extreme Rules PPV! I’m your host Chris Lansdell, and I have high hopes for this PPV. With Edge-Jeff, Jericho-Rey and the US title match all looking good on paper, how can we go wrong?

Oh. Right.

US Title Fatal Four Way Match:: Kofi Kingston © vs. MVP vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy

Well there goes Punk’s streak of curtain-jerking PPVs. Weirdly enough they bring out the champ first. Regal is out next in his PIMP smoking jacket. Seriously, shit was so cash. Matt’s out next and his isn’t any less cool. MVP has taken to this face stuff like a duck to water. Hopefully they don’t hotshot the title back to him here so his push can continue.

Regal feeds Hardy to the faces to start, they quickly pound him down and then take it to Regal. MVP gets tripped by Matt and pulled to the outside, KOFI over the top with a slingshot crossbody. He goes up top and hits Regal with a HIGH crossbody for 2. MVP breaks up the pin, a whip is reversed and High back elbow by Kofi to MVP, but Regal is back. He controls both faces with his trademark brutality, then perches Kofi up top. MVP comes over to try a tower of doom…Regal throws Kofi with a super double underhook, landing on MVP!!! Everyone is down, and that might have been a botch too. Regal is checking on MVP surreptitiously, so it probably was. Hardy is back in, he covers MVP for two, then Regal for 2, and finally Kofi for 2. Clothesline to MVP, Side Effect to Regal gets 2. Scoop and slam to MVP followed by a second rope leg drop gets 2 more. Hardy certainly has the points lead. He sets for the Twist on MVP but gets NAILED with a Kofi clothesline. High dropkick by Kofi! Beautiful. Leaping lariat to hardy, Kofi scoops up Regal and drops him on Hardy…Bo! Bo! Bo! Leg drop! 2 count on Hardy, Regal breaks it up. Kofi dumps Regal outside, Hardy whips Kofi to the corner but Kofi avoids the charge and kicks Hardy in the face! He fights off MVP on the outside and goes for Trouble in Paradsie on Regal…Countered! T-bone suplex NO! Kofi turns it into a clothesline on Hardy! 2 count for Kofi. MVP back in and gets the belly to belly throw on Kofi, but Hardy breaks up the pin. Hardy and MVP slug it out, MVP gets the advantage and drops Hardy with a jawjacker. BALLIN! 1 count only as Regal is in with an exploder suplex and lefts in the corner. Kofi leaps over Regal and lays in some punches but Regal throws him down. Knee to the head of MVP! Exploder for Hardy! He throws Kofi out…NO! Kofi bounces off the ropes…TROUBLE IN PARADISE! 1…2…3!

Winner: Kofi Kingston via pinfall (on Regal, Trouble in Paradise)
Rating: **3/4 Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed this a lot. It just seemed a weird plce to put the ending and felt like everything was being hurried. With 5 more minutes this could have been incredible.

They interview Big Show. Standard promo.

No Holds Barred IC Title Match: Rey Mysterio © vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho’s music hits, but he doesn’t come out. Huh? Oh excellent. He’s at the merch stand with a mic, bitching about Rey selling masks. He comes through the crowd to the ring, telling fans not to touch Jericho. Low drop kick by Rey, but Jericho comes back with an elbow and rams Rey to the barricade. Whip to the steps but Rey handsprings over them and dropkicks the steps into Jericho’s knees! He takes Jericho to the steps again, then to the rail. Rana off the apron! Back in the ring and Rey drops the dime to the back of the head!! 1…2…no! Remember when that was his finisher? Jericho with a boot to the gut to regain control, then he hangs Rey out to dry on the top rope. Jericho catapults Rey’s throat onto the bottom rope.Whip by Jericho, Rey avoids the charge and tries to springboard in but gets caught and crotched by Jericho. Jericho tries the springboard dropkick but Rey counters with a kick of his own. 619 around the corner post! Rey up top….crossbody to the outside! Rey throws Jericho back in and hits another springboard legdrop for 2. Whip by Rey reversed, Rey comes off the ropes and gets a headscissors! 619 position…Jericho is up and hits a shoulder block to counter. Rey fights back with kicks, Jericho tries a whip but eats boot. Wheelbarrow suplex countered to a rollup for 2. Susnset flip by Jericho, Rey rolls through but Jericho stops him for the Walls! Rey rolls through that and gets 2! WOW stiff kick to the head gets 2 more for Rey. That sounded nasty. Rey comes off the ropes and gets leveled with a clothesline for 2. Jericho launches Rey to the outside and works the crowd. Face first suplex on the outside by Jericho. He rolls Rey back in and gets 2. Half nelson chinlock by Jericho who ALMOST gets the mask, and in fact the camera gave us a full shot of Rey’s face. Rey fights out with kicks to Jericho’s face. Jericho charges Rey in the corner, Rey moves and Jericho’s shoulder hits steel! Rey FLIES to the outside with a tope!! That looked awesome, serious hang time. Jericho is thrown back in. Springboard La Silla, headscissors and a rana by Rey gets 2. Another whip is reversed, Rey gets a drop toehold and goes for the 619….Jericho catches him! ARGENTINE BACKBREAKER AND DROP! 1…2…2.805! Jericho is awesome. Haven’t seen that in a while. Rey runs the ropes and tries the rana again…countered to a powerbomb! Lionsault…misses!!! 619 TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD! Rey goes for the springboard CODEBREAKER! Both men down! Jericho gets the cover…1…2…2.857441! Jericho is shocked and gets a chair. Rey kicks it into his face! 1…2…no! MEXICAN FACEBUSTER! Rey is EL SABU! 1…2…NO! Rey sets up the chair in the corner and drop toeholds Jericho into it! Rey runs and leaps of the chair…WALLS OF JERICHO! Great counter! Rey grabs the chair, he can’t get it to close…WHAM! He breaks the hold! 619 position…JERICHO UNMASKS REY MID MOVE!!!!!! Rey is covering his face, schoolboy by Jericho! 1…2…3!!! NEW CHAMPEEN!

Winner: Chris Jericho via pinfall (unmasking and schoolboy)
Rating: ***¼ I might be under-rating this, since I can remember quite a few spots from the match, but that’s the drawback of rating everything at the end. It was very good, probably not quite as good as last month’s effort which I now know I really under-rated. The finish was unique and both men worked hard, but I think I would have liked it more if they’d made more use of the stipulation.

Big Dave gets to watch the abuse of Ric Flair, and he is OFFENDED~!

Samoan Strap Match: Umaga vs. CM Punk

I dare you to go tease Umaga about his skirt. There’s my boy! Note to anyone wanting to buy me an anniversary gift, I’ll take Punk’s shirt in 2XL. They have a cool little graphic in the top right telling us who has touchned the corner.

Punk starts with some shots but one back elbow and Umaga has control. One buckle…2…HIGH KNEE by Punk. Umaga pushes off the bulldog but misses a splash. Kicks by Punk, he gets 2 buckles before being squashed with a Samoan Drop. Umaga decides to treat Punk like a government mule and starts whipping him. Headbutt by Umaga, followed by a jumping headbutt. Umaga goes to the floor and drags Punk, pulling his shoulder into the corner post via the strap. He slams Punk’s forearm on the steps. Back inside, Umaga perches Punk over the top rope and superkicks him to the floor! He touches two buckles but the strap nis not long enough, with Punk outside, to reach the other two. Punk is on the apron and kicks Umaga, then hits the springboard clothesline. GTS try is no good as Umaga is too heavy. SPINNING HEEL KICK by Umaga. Best big man in the business right now. Umaga charges and leaps…catches the corner post! Punk crotches him with the strap! Umaga tries to go outside but gets hauled into the ring post! High knee by Punk, followed by the bulldog. One buckle…two…three…Umaga reels him in and hits the spinning slam! Now it’s Umaga’s turn! 1…2…3…Punk grabs on to the ropes and reels in the slack, preventing Umaga from continuing! Umaga charges and Punk low bridges him, then gets 3 buckles easily. However Umaga thinks that’s enough and yanks Punk down with the strap. Umaga goes up top…Punk’s up! Using the strap he slams Umaga from the top! 1….2…3…Umaga is up! He’s blocking the fourth! Umaga charges…GTS!!!!! Punk gets the 4th buckle!

Winner: CM Punk via appropriate touching (GTS enables fourth touch)
Rating: **3/4 It’s hard to have a good strap match. The fact that they didn’t go with the stealth-touching finish is a bonus, and Umaga worked hard and bumped hard for Punk.

ECW Title Extreme Rules Match: Christian © vs. Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer

GO! What is with bringing out the champ first tonight? And when was Dreamer’s last PPV match? Anyone? How about his last PPV win? Has he ever had one in WWE?

Small EC-Dub chant. Dreamer chases Swagger to the outside, Swagger gets in first and lays in the boots. Christian takes exception and intervens but gets a belly to belly for his torubles. Dreamer intervenes and tries a DDT but gets taken over in a Northern Lights by Swagger. Dreamer has a cane! Christian has a trash canlid! PLUNDAH! They take turns annihilating Swagger. White Russian leg sweep by Dreamer gets 2, broken up by Christian. Shots with the lid by Christian, Dreamer comes back with a cane to the gut and a beautiful cane-assisted pumphandle suplex. Swagger takes over on Dreamer in the corner, tries to charge with the trash can lid but gets back body dropped over the top to the floor! MOTHER OF MERCY Dreamer just hit a somersault trash can senton off the apron to both men! He has another cane and comes off the middle rope with a cane clothesline to Swagger! He hangs Swagger on the Tree of Woe and wedges a trash can in front of his face, but gets tripped by Christian, who hits the dropkick himself! He throws Dreamer into the trash can and gets a 2 count. Christian throws Dreamer outside but gets caned by Swagger. Belly to belly uranage gets 2. Gut buster and a face-first miltary press get 2 more. For some reason, with a plethora of weapons available, Swagger wants to undo the turnbuckle. Dreamer with a cane shot to his knuckled, reverse DDT by Christian gets 2! Dreamer in and hits Christian with the lid, then slams him on it. Second rope elbow misses. New Orleans wants tables. Christian tries a crossbody to the outside on Swagger, but only connects with a trash can. Dreamer is throwing plunder in the ring, and enters with a cane. WHAM to the gut of Swagger, who manages to connect with a belly to belly! Swagger lines up three trash cans in the middle of the ring and perches Dreamer up top. Christian is in! TOWER OF DOOM! Dreamer hits the trashcan HARD. Christian gets a 2 count off Dreamer and another off Swagger. He goes outside and returns with a crutch, goes up top with it but gets Swagger’s boot. Swagger misses the crutch shot, Killswitch attempt is countered into an electric chair…drops him on the exposed turnbuckle! Doctor Bomb! NO!!! Dreamer with huge shots to Swagger with the crutch!!! DDT!!! 1…2…3!!!!!!

Winner: TOMMY FUCKING DREAMER via pinfall (on Swagger, DDT)
Rating: **½ Aside from the nostalgia, very little from this match was memorable. It wasn’t bad, and Swagger in particular looked good, but it was more or less one of those matches that was there. Dreamer turned back the clock which was nice to see, but where does Christian go from here?

Let’s see what BlaccuWeather meteorolgist Ollie Williams thinks of that result. Ollie?

What the hell?

Thanks Ollie. Now this!

Miss WrestleMania Hog Pen Match: Santina vs. Vickie Guerrero © w/Chavo Guerrero

King tries to explain the rules to us. Then he makes some poor jokes. Get him to write this column. Is Vickie seriously going to wrestle in an evening gown? Or is that a shower curtain? Before we get started, Vickie says it’s now a handicap match, and Chavo will be joining her. Oh good. That should add a couple of stars.

Santina throws mud at Chavo’s nice shirt, so Chavo smacks her around a bit. He wipes mud in her face and tries a powerbomb…countered into a backdrop! Chavo regains control and throws slop at Santina. Chavo tries to throw Santina inside but it’s reversed and Chavo is with the pigs! He gets out sharpish and drives Santina’s face into the mud. Tag to Vickie and Santina is up! She has the slop hucket! Chavo interrupts and HE has the bucket…Santina ducks!! She has another bucket for Chavo, then puts it on his head and punches it! She takes down Vickie and covers her! 1…2…3!

Winner: Santina Marella via pinfall (on Vickie)
Rating: 1/8* Only because Vickie’s uppance has finally come.

Chavo and Vickie roll around in the mud post-match. And I lose my dinner.

Steel Cage WWE Title Match: Randy Orton © vs. Batista

He hears voices in his head, they counsel him they understand, they talk to him. As per usual Orton comes down solo, but I would bet he doesn’t leave alone. Good grief, Batista is on a roll as he times his pose AGAIN! See, even Batista reads 411mania!

Orton tries to escape right away, and almost makes it. This could be a tough match given Batista’s injury. Orton is almost over!!! Batista has him by the head and that saves it. They fight on the top rope until Batista is able to throw him down. Shoulder charges in the corner by Batista, then more into the cage. Batista tries once too many and gets knees to the face. Orton tries to use that to escape but Batista catches him an levels him with a clothesline. Suplex by Batista gets 2. Whip and Batista drops his head, getting kicked in the bargain. Orton goes for the door but is stopped. Clotheslines in the corner, Batista tries a powerslam but Orton slides out the back and runs Batista into the cage then hits his modified backbreaker. Again Orton goes for the door and has his hands on the floor before batista catches him. Orton goes face-first to the cage several times, powerslam by Batista gets 2. Orton dodges the charge and starts the assault. Whip by Orton reversed, SPINEBUSTER! He sets for the Batista Bomb but Orton backdrops him into the cage!! Picture-perfect dropkick from orton, driving Batista’s head into the cage. Orton starts to climb but sets for the punt instead! MISSED!!! He climbs the cage instead but Batista has him for a Batista Bomb…Orton fights out! RKO…countered!!! BATISTA BOMB!!! 1…2…3??????? Ummm…surgery?

Winner: Batista via pinfall (Batista Bomb)
Rating: *½ There were rumours prior to the match that Batista needs surgery on a torn biceps. I guess this result kind of puts the kibosh on that, but you can never tell with Vince. This was short, slow and basically just Not Good. Batista needs refreshing, preferably with a heel turn. Orton is better against faster, more energetic guys. Formula for fail, right there.

Submission Match: The Big Show vs. John Cena

Crowd is rabid for Cena. He kicks the legs early but tries once too often. Big Show catches the foot and levels Cena with a clothesline. Show goes for the Clutch, Cena escapes and tries the STF but Show’s too big. Cena’s foot gets caught again but he ducks the clothesline and lays in some shots before being kicked in the face. Avalanche in the corner by Show, he tries a second but Cena moves. Cena comes off the ropes and tries a bulldog but Show counters and Cena rolls to the outside. Back inside, Cena tries to fight back and comes off the ropes with the flying tackle…only to bounce off Show. That was fun. Show tries to apply a full nelson, Cena fights it off and doesn’t let Show lock his hands. Headbutt to the back of the head by Show, a whip to the corner but Show runs into Cena’s foot. Sleeper by Cena! A very sloppy one, anyway. Show goes down to one knee and the hold is effecitvely a chinlock right now. Show flips Cena over and hits the alley oop! Love that move. Show goes to work on the ribs now, laying in huge rights. Suplex by Show and Cena rolls to the ropes, holding them for dear life. Show simply stands on him. He goes to the second rope and tries the Vader Splash…Cena moves! Slam by Cena!!! NO!! Show falls on him and…I think that’s an Anaconda Vice variation. He has the head of Cena locked up with one shoulder. Cena uses his knees to get free…GOOZLE! Cena fights off the chokeslam but Show just throws him outside. Show follows and takes Cena up in a slam…rams his back into the post! Back inside now, Show applies a giant abdominal stretch. Cena powers out! GOOZLE reversed into a DDT! He shakes off all the punishment and tries the STF…Show simply kicks him off and to the outside. Cena gets to the apron and kicks Show, then goes up top…BEAR HUG by Show! That didn’t go according to plan…Cena goes to the eyes to escape, then hits the Throwback! You cannot visually perceive him! GOOZLE again! Cena fights out, Attitude Adjustment!!! STF try again, and again Show fights it off. KO PUNCH and Cena is down! He rolls outside, Show tries to run him into the post but Cena slides out the back and runs Show into the post instead! Both men are down on the outside now. Show rolls in, Cena quickly goes up top and hits the top rope Fameasser! Cena wedges Show’s foot in the ropes and applies a crossface! Ohhhhh that’s WEAK. Show taps!

Winner: John Cena via submission (Crossface with rope assistance)
Rating: **¼ Not as bad as I feared, but I could have watched the match on double speed and kept up. It was painfully slow at times. The result should surprise no-one, because after all…

Cena SUPERIOR, rest of roster INFERIOR

World Title Ladder Match: Edge © vs. Jeff Hardy

Again, the champ comes out first. Hardy has no face paint. This should be special.

Edge with the early advantage with a kneelift, Hardy avoids a charge in the corner and hits a clothesline. Scoop slam by Jeff and a leg drop. Another kneelift by Edge, a whip and a spear in the corner and he’s back on top. Still no ladders as Edge tries the Implant DDT, Hardy blocks and hits the gourdbuster. HERE COMES THE LADDER! Edge baseball slides into the ladder and goes outside, but Hardy regains control. Back inside now, Edge reverses a whip but hardy holds onto the ropes. Edge charges and gets lifted over the top to the floor and the ladder! Jeff brings the ladder inside and starts to climb! Edge back in and hauls him down. Whip by Edge and…I have no idea what that was meant to be, it looked like a botched flapjack into the ladder where Jeff has supposed to hang on and start climbing, but the ladder was too close and everything went down in a heap. Edge sets the ladder in the corner and whips Jeff HARD into it. He sets it in another corner, places Jeff on it and charges for the spear…and gets nothing but rungs as Hardy moves! Jeff dropkicks the ladder into Edge’s face. Again the ladder is set up in the corner, Jeff charges but misses the kick as Edge moves, and the ladder falls on Jeff! Edge positions Jeff’s legs between the two sides of the ladder and slams it shut. His body is now in the ladder…SHARPSHOOTER in the ladder! Awesome. Jeff is tapping like Michael Flatley! Edge sets up the somewhat damaged ladder and starts to climb…Jeff dropkicks the ladder off the top! Hardy has the ladder upside down…OH GOD DAMN he hits a face-first suplex INTO the middle of the ladder! Fuck me that looked nasty. He dropped him into the V formed by the upside-down ladder!!! Jeff has a second ladder that would probably allow him to retrieve the space station. Jeff climbs but he’s a long way from the belt! He rides the falling ladder and grabs the clasp holding the belt! Edge jerks him down before he can inhook the belt. Jeff looks hurt. Edge is up but gets whipped into the ladder. Jeff climbs three-quarters of the way up the ladder and Whispers in the Wind!!! Jeff goes outside now and gets another ladder, this one slightly shorter. He sets it up under the belt but Edge is up. Hardy clotheslines both of them up and over the top. Edge is the first to recover and places a ladder horizontally between the ring and the railing. Shades of Money in the Bank at Mania! Edge goes to suplex Hardy into the ladder, Hardy fights it off and takes Edge to the barricade. Hardy brings more ladders into play, hitting Edge with one. Hardy whips Edge, no it’s reversed and Hardy goes to the steps, then to the barricade. Edge has the steps and goes to level Jeff, who kicks them back into Edge! RUNNING RKO INTO THE RAILING!! Awesome move! Hardy puts Edge on the horizontal ladder on the outside, then sets up another MASSIVE ladder on the floor. Jeff climbs but Edge is up and climbs too! They are fighting at the top of a 15 foot ladder! OH MY FATHER IN HEAVEN they both fell!!! They both fell THROUGH the horizontal ladder on the outside!!! Both men are hurting, both men have made it back to the ring. They are fighting from their knees! Jeff gets the upper hand and starts to climb. He has the belt! He can’t pull it down and now Edge has climbed another ladder!!! He leaps..SPEAR no TWIST OF FATE OFF THE LADDER!!! Jeff is climbing again! Edge is grasping desparately at Hardy, but Jeff kicks him off! Both men are within reach on the ladder! Edge knocks Hardy down! Edge has it…NO! Hardy grabs Edge’s feet and pulls him THROUGH the ladder!!!!!! Edge is stuck with his legs through the ladder and his upper body is wedging him in!!! Hardy has the belt…HE GOT IT!!!!!

Winner: Jeff Hardy via retrieval (Edge Wedge)
Rating: ****¼ It’s a constant source of amazement to me that these two guys always manage to find spots that we haven’t seen yet. This was the best ladder match I’ve seen either of these guys in for a while. Taken independently of what happened next, this was a fine way to end the show.

Hardy poses with the belt on top of the ladder as Edge is trapped still and has to watch the NEW champion, completely helpless. I can honestly say I have never seen that finish for a ladder magtch before. JR is in the ring with Hardy…PUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The refs scramble to remove the ladders and Punk is cashing in! Hardy looks like he’s done. GTS!!!!!!! 1…2…2.90558!!! EVERYONE thought that was it. Cradle by Hardy!!! 1…2…2.9112!!! Kick to the head by Punk,,,GTS number 2! 1…2…3!!!!!!!!!! PUNKGASM!

WINNER: CM PUNK via pinfall (GTS)
Rating: ELEVENTY BILLION STARS I can’t really rate a cash-in, but HEEL PUNK will rule IF they do it right.

Heel turn, bitches!