411’s WWE: TLC Report 12.13.09

Hey yo. Welcome to 411’s WWE TLC Report, the last WWE PPV of the decade. We have a stacked card with 6 title matches and a couple strong contenders for Match of the night. I’m Chris Lansdell, and we’re ready to go!

ECW Title Ladder Match: Christian © vs. Shelton Benjamin

Well that’s a bad sign. I reckon if this gets 10 minutes, it’s a miracle. Shelton is out first and looks nervous. GO! Christian looks far more confident. No ref in the ring, and away we go!

They lock up and we get a clean break in the corner. Again they lock up and Christian catches Shelton with a dropkick. A whip by Christian and Shelton runs up the corner and nails Christian with a flying crossbody. Christian kicks Shelton in the gut and tries the Unprettier, but Shelton reverses and hits a reverse DDT backbreaker. Shelton goes for a ladder but it’s too early and Christian is right behind him and cuts him off. Christian tries to bring in a ladder but Shelton gets him from behind and goes for a ladder of his own. Christian OFF THE TOP to the floor to wipe Shelton out. Christian is in the ring now with a ladder, he has it set up. He has a hand on the belt! Shelton pulls him down but Christian retains control and tries a monkey flip. Shelton lands on his feet! He leaps on to the ladder but Christian again stops him and fires Shelton to the floor. Christian thinks about climbing but realises he has done insufficient damage and goes to throw the ladder on Shelton. Shelton trips him from the outside! The ladder falls right on Christian’s face, ouch. He’s cut open and the medic is out immediately to stop the flow while Shelton stalls for time. Striker says it’s a Texas Athletic Commission rule that a wounded competitior must receive attention. The crowd are shitting on it and chanting “We want blood!” Well then. Shelton climbs up a ladder on the outside but Christian pulls him down and throws him over the barricade. Christian climbs the ladder, Shelton is up and climbs too. He knocks Christian down and HITS A SENTON OFF THE LADDER! Impressive. Most impressive. Shelton messes with the announce table and props a REALLY long ladder between the table and the ring. Christian tries to whip Shelton into said ladder, but Shelton slides under it and shoves it into Christian. Christian then pushes Shelton unto another set-up ladder on the outside. Back inside, Shelton reverses a whip and sends Christian into the ladder in the corner. Shelton charges for the corner splash but Christian reverses and uses the ladder to block the splash! Christian climbs and again has a hand on the belt, but Shelton stops him and hits a nasty whip kick to the face. They fight over the ladder until Shelton manages to clobber Christian in the face with it. Shelton’s turn to climb now and he has a hand on the belt, Christian intercepts and hits the reverse DDT off the ladder!!! Christian climbs and is almost there, but sees Shelton climbing to the top and thinks better of it. He climbs down and tries to use the ladder as a spear to knock Shelton down. Shelton blocks and rides the ladder into position, Christian pushes the ladder over and Shelton catches himself on the top rope, then rides the ladder into a clothesline off the top of it! Shelton climbs AGAIN and is a fingertip away before Christian gets up again, Shelton gets control though and hits a powerslam off the ladder!!! Stinger splash into the ladder in the corner by Shelton! Shelton climbs and is holding the belt, but Christian removes the ladder! Shelton is dangling as Christian positions the ladder to climb up and take Benjamin down. Christian has it! NO! Benjamin removes the ladder and walks underneath the champ, putting him in powerbomb position! POWERBOMB INTO THE LADDER in the corner! Diggidy damn! Both men are climbing now, Shelton gets higher and tries a sunset bomb off the ladder! Christian blocks and hits a rana, sending Shelton to the middle turnbuckle! Man for a match this exciting, the crowd are dead. Shelton tries to hit a German off the ladder and into the horizontally propped ladder!!! Christian holds on to the ropes for dear life, then pushes Shelton back on to the ladder. Christian up top! SPLASH THROUGH THE LADDER!!! Shelton is out. Christian climbs, grabs and retains!

Winner: Christian via retrieval

20-minute ladder match to open. Where am I and what am I watching?

We get some clips to build up JeriShow vs DX.

IC Title Match: John Morrison © vs. Drew McIntyre

Right into this huh? No clip package? McIntyre has a very boring and generic entrance, while Morrison has had pyro added to his. RAINBOW pyro. You wish you had rainbow pyro.

McIntyre powers Morrison into a corner, then levels him with a right hand for a quick one count. Morrison escapes an armbar and hits a deep armdrag. A whip is reversed but Morrison avoids the charge by slipping between the ropes. Springboard rana by Morrison! Stiff kick to the spine and Morrison gets 2. McIntyre rolls to the floor, Morrison follows and McIntyre lifts him up and into the corner post! He rolls Morrison back in and gets a 2 count. McIntyre beats down Morrison and hits a short-arm clothesline. Modified crossface chicken wing applied by McIntyre, Morrison kicks his way out but Drew regains control and hits a sweet vertical suplex for 2. Back to the arm goes McIntyre. Drew whips Morrison but drops his head and gets kicks, he comes back with a boot of his own for a pair of 2 counts. McIntyre clearly has bigger feet, and you know what that means…nastier kicks. As McIntyre applies another armbar, Striker wants us to look at the striation on the left deltoid. I lvoe that man. Whip by McIntyre, he goes for a side slam but Morrison tilt-a-whirls out of it and turns it into a DDT! Morrison goes to work with rights, hits a clothesline and a bad leg lariat before kicking Mcintyre in the face for 2. Up top…missile dropkick by Morrison! 1…2…no! McIntyre kicks Morrison in the knee and then hits the inverted Alabama Slam for 2! Damn that was nasty! McIntyre slowly pulls Morrison up, allowing the Shaman od Sexy to regroup and hit a dropkick, sending the Scotsman to the floor. Morrison follows and hits a drop toehold on a charging McIntyre, then hits the Flying Chuck, rebounding off the apron! Back inside and Drew misses a charge in the corner! STARSHIP PAIN botched badly! Ref counts but McIntyre’s foot is under the rope! 1…2…ref sees it! Morrison almost totally missed the move anyway. Morrison stomps away on McIntyre, the ref separates them. Morrison’s belt has come undone so he tears it off, which causes the ref to remove it from the ring. I smell low blow…poke to the eyes! Kobashi DDT! 1….2….3!

Winner: Drew McIntyre via pinfall (Kobashi DDT)

Vince is congratulating Drew McIntyre when Josh Matthews interrupts. He wants to talk to Vince, but Vince takes a back seat and says he should talk to Drew. Drew is not surprised he won so early in his career. He is interrupted by Sheamus, who says that was pretty impressive. However, he’s not the only newcomer who will leave TLC with gold. Ohhhh…I think different.

WWE Women’s Title Match: Michelle McCool © vs. Mickie James

Mickie seems to be a few weeks late as she is out in her Thanksgiving Indian outfit. Or the shirt from it anyway. Layla has the Piggie James shirt on, while Michelle is still channeling AJ Styles.

Mickie charges at the bell and McCool bails. They finally lockup and stay locked up as they roll around on the mat and to the floor. Intense stuff here to start. They both get back in the ring and never break eye contact, then lock up again. Ref breaks it in the corner, Mickie gets a double leg and jackknife for 2. Mickie catches a couple more rollups for 2 before trying a crucifix. Michelle holds on and turns it around, running Mickie into the corner. Kneedrops by Michelle get a 2 count. Snap mare and some knees to the spine get 2 more. Michelle applies a rear chinlock and oh look, the crowd is dead again. Layla is trying to work the crowd up, bless her. Mickie tries to elbow out but Michelle beats her down to end that idea. More knees by McCool, to the back this time, and Mickie comes back with a pair of forearms. Rana by Mickie BLOCKED! Backbreaker! Nicely done. 1…2…no. Small package by Mickie! 1…2…no! Michelle throws Mickie to the floor, then throws her to the barricade. McCool comes charging with a knee but Mickie moves!!! Rana on the outside by Mickie! Lou Thesz press! Layla distracts Mickie which allows Michelle to get in the ring, but Mickie follows and hits another Thesz press for 2. Clotheslines and forearms by the challenger, a whip is reversed and Mickie ends up on the apron. She tries to climb up but Layla pushes her down! Mickie lands on her feet! Spin kick to Layla, Michelle comes charging with the boot but Mickie moves and Layla is down!! Schoolgirl by Mickie! 1…2…2.9007! BIG BOOT by McCool! 1…2…3!

Winner: Michelle McCool via pinfall (Big Boot)

Holy crap Cena is up next. We get clips showing why we should believe that Sheamus has a chance tonight. They don’t work.

WWE Title Tables Match: John Cena © vs. Sheamus

They’ve done an awesome job on the set, with dozens of tables, ladders and chairs suspended above the entrance ramp. Sheamus would appear to have found a solarium, as he is less translucent than normal tonight. HUGE pop for Cena, but with some very audible boos sprinkled in. SUPER SPECIAL RING ANNOUNCING! By the way, we’re halfway through the card and only an hour in.

Allegedly the last time someone born outside the US was WWE champion, it was Yokozuna. SO VERY VERY WRONG. Edge? Bret?

Cena starts off on fire with fists, a whip and the bulldog. Sheamus comes back with a boot to a charging Cena and a stiff clothesline. Mounted puunches by Sheamus and a knee drop, and he’s heading for a table! Cena attacks! Vicious strikes from the champ, followed by numerous shots to the table. Sheamus manages to counter a whip and sends Cena to the corner post. Cena reverses HIS whip now and Sheamus goes to the steps! Cena retrieves a table from beneath the ring and drapes Sheamus over it, then goes up top. Sheamus moves before Cena leaps, Cena chases him outside and Sheamus goes back inside, then intercepts Cena on the way in. Powerslam by Sheamus, Cena rolls to the apron. They tease Cena being knocked off the apron and through the table on the floor, but Cena comes back with some rights. Back inside he goes, they exchange shots and Cena has Sheamus up for the Attitude Adjustment! Sheamus escapes and knocks Cena down, then drags him to the floor. He runs Cena’s back into the apron then rams his head into the steps. Sheamus looks like he’s having fun. Cena gains control by sending Sheamus to the steps and again tries the Attitude Adjustment through the table! Sheamus gets out the back and goes for the Crucifix Bomb! They fight up the ramp and Sheamus tries a suplex on the ramp, reversed by Cena! Both men are down, Cena is up first and retrieves the table from ringside and tries to swing it down onto Sheamus, who moves just in time. They fight off the ramp and into the crowd, then back down to the ring. Cena clotheslines Sheamus back over the barricade and rolls Sheamus inside. Another table is retrieved from under the ring. “Let’s go Sheamus!” – San Antonio. Well, parts of it. Cena gets back in the ring and has his head kicked off, allegedly it’s called the Irish Curse Kick. Wonderful. How long until he gets the Celtic Crunch? Sheamus props a table up in the corner and takes Cena up for a spinebuster, Cena gets out the back! He rolls through as if for the STF, thinks better of it and hits the flying shoulder and the blue thunder bomb. You can’t see him! Sheamus smartly throws the table outside as Cena sets up to charge into him, so Cena just hits the Attitude Adjustment. He heads outside and retrieves the table that had been set up on the floorSheamus rolls to the apron as Cena sets it up. LOUD boos raining down on the champ. Cena puts Sheamus on the top rope and goes up for a super Attitude Adjustment, Sheamus elbows free and knocks Cena off the top. They exchange rights with Sheamus still on the top rope and now Cena tries for a superplex. Sheamus is fighting it…Cena has him part hooked! They are right on the top rope..SHEAMUS PUSHES HIM OFF! THROUGH THE TABLE!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m gonna need Blaccu-Weather meteorologist Ollie Williams to explain that one. Ollie?

What the fuck???
Thanks Ollie. Now this!

Winner: Sheamus via WHAT THE FUCK (shove off the top)

This is what the kids look like right now:

Striker has a huge smile on his face as Cole and Lawler look stunned.

Wow, Orton-Kofi is going on before the TLC match. Taker-Batista is next, and the clips are focused on Batista killing Rey.

World Title Chairs Match: The Undertaker © vs. Batista

Batista is out first and is far calmer than he usually is. Undertaker entrance clock: 3 minutes 32 seconds, gong to music ending. That’s a good time, Orton should lose tonight. Taker is locked on Batista.

Batista goes outside for a chair right away, Taker steps on the chair and tries to get one of his own. Back inside, Taker goes to work with shots and kicks to the knee. Taker’s charge was blocked by a back elbow but Taker throws him to the floor. Taker tries to take Batista to a chair but Batista blocks it, so Taker takes him to the steps instead. Batista regains control and takes Taker’s back to the apron, but Taker reverses a whip and sends Batista to the barricade. Taker charges with a big boot but Batista avoids it and Taker straddles the barricade!!! Shot to the knee with a chair by Batista! He chokes out Taker with the chair now. At the start of the match Cole made it clear that count-outs were possible in this match, yet the ref is not counting. Batista takes a swing at Taker’s head, but the Dead Man ducks and Batista gets the post instead. Taker goes back to work and drops the leg on Batista on the apron. Back inside Taker gets a 2 count. Time to go to the Old School! Batista counters! He goes up top for a superplex but Taker fights it off, they exchange shots on the top rope…SUPERPLEX CONNECTS! 1…2…no. Batista sets for the Batista Bomb on the chair, Taker blocks and turns around, then hits the back body drop onto the chair. Slugfest in the centre of the ring, Batista wins the exchange and hits a spinebuster for 2. Batista lodges a chair in the corner. Whip by Batista, Taker ducks the clothesline and hits the flying clothesline! OLD SCHOOL! Snake eyes by Taker, here comes the boot SPEAR BY BATISTA! 1…2…no! Another spinebuster, this time taker’s head hits the chair! Batista signals the thumbs down and goes for the Batista Bo…HELL’S GATE! Batista fights and fights and JUSTn makes the ropes before passing out. Batista rolls to the floor and has a chair, Taker goes to grab him and gets jabbed in the throat with the chair! Batista charges and Taker moves, Batista spears the chair that was wedged in the corner! Lariat! 1…2…Taker can’t hold down the Animal. GOOZLE! CHOKESLAM! 1…2…2.896! He signals for the Tombstone but Batista slips out the back and pushes Taker into the ref! Taker manages to avoid crushing the ref but does NOT avoid the nut shot! WHAM CHAIRSHOT! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: Bati… Teddy Long is out! No no no no no. There’s no need to celebrate! Chairs are legal, but blatant fouls are not. He’s not going to allow the title to change hands on such a low, cheap, despicable act, so the match will restart! Batista charges with the chair but Taker kicks it back into his face! Chairshot to the back! TOMBSTONE!

Winner: Undertaker via pinfall (Tombstone)

That match must have been conducted under Virgil Runnels regulations.

Does anyone else remember that Cena said something about exercising his rematch clause immediately if he lost? What happened to that?

Legacy confront Kofi backstage. Kofi says they don’t intimidate him, but Ted says inside, he’s terrified of what Orton is about to do to him. Kofi say that if he’s the one terrified, why is Orton sending his two carrier pigeons to deliver his messages. Kofi walks off and goes right into Orton’s dressing room, and tells him TO HIS FACE that he’s a coward and he doesn’t deserve a title shot ever again. Wow. That was different.

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

Orton is out first and barely cracks a minute and a half. Taker wins!

Orton gets a headlock takedown to start us off. Kofi reverses with a headscissors, Orton nips out and Kofi applies an armbar. Orton turns it into a hammerlock and Kofi kips out. Shots in the corner by Orton off the lockup. Whip by Orton, he charges into a boot but Kofi charges into a powerslam for 2. CHINLOCK! HE GOT THE CHINLOCK! BY GOD HE SWORE WE’D NEVER SEE IT AGAIN! Kofi fights out and hammers away at Orton, then tries the 10-spot punches in the corner. Orton walks into a powerbomb position but Kofi doprs into a sunset flip for 2! Russian leg sweep, Boom Drop time! Orton rolls outside before Kofi can take off. On the floor, they work some reversals and Kofi runs up onto the apron and up the ropes! CROSSBODY NO! DROPKICK by Orton and Kofi is in trouble. That was swank. Orton rolls Kofi back in and gets 2. Orton stamps on the midsection of Kofi, punishing the already-damaged ribs. 2 count for Orton. Orton picks Kofi up for a suplex but dumps him gut-first over the top rope! Knee drop gets 2 for Orton. He toys with Kofi then hits a stiff European uppercut. Kofi crawls his way to his feet, Orton sets for a DDT but Kofi counters to the SOS!!! 1…2…no! Kofi clotheslines Orton up and over to the floor, then hits a tope! He rolls Orton back inside and goes to the top…AMAZING crossbody! 1…2…no! A series of double chops by Kofi followed by a leaping clothesline. Orton counters an attack from Kofi and hits the chinlock backbreaker, then stalks Kofi. Dropkick by Kofi! Boom Drop! He wants Trouble in Paradise….connects! 1…2…ropes!!! Orton goes to the floor and Kofi follows. He drags Orton to his feet and dumps him back in the ring. Orton up quickly and catches Kofi coming in…elevated rope-assisted DDT! Orton is in the corner, measuring…PUNT!!! Kofi got his arm up! Kofi is selling the arm like crazy. Orton goes right after it with an armbar DDT. RKO time…TROUBLE IN PARAD…no! Orton ducks! RKO! 1…2…3!

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfall (RKO)

Batista is with Teddy Long and he is pissed. He swings a chair at Long’s head and then threatens him, saying he either makes it right, or the next shot HITS Long’s head.

Undisputed Tag Team Title TLC Match: Chris Jericho and The Big Show © vs. DX

DX out first, presumably so they can talk for a few minutes? Wait, did Sheamus REALLY beat Cena for the title? Holy hell. JeriShow are out with no DX promo, so maybe Cena IS getting a rematch tonight.

HBK and Jericho lock up, as do HHH and Show. The latter pairing go to the floor early and Show launches HHH into the barricade. In the ring HBK hits a swingning neckbreaker. HHH throws Show over the barricade and fetches a table as Jercho hits shoulders in the corner on HBK. Whip by Jericho, he charges and eats the boot of HBK. Show and HHH are fighting up the ramp. HBK throws Jericho to the floor but Jericho takes him to the corner post and sets up a table. He tries to suplex HBK through it, he blocks and tries a suplex of his own. Jericho blocks and HBK rolls him inside where he hits a flying forearm. Jericho tries for the Walls but HBK counters and hits the inverted atomic drop and a chop. Scoop slam by HBK and he goes up top…elbow drop KNEES! Jericho is getting a ladder as HHH sends Show into the set at the top of the ramp. Jericho goes after HHH but the Game stops that idea and tries a Pedigree on the ramp! Countered by a Jericho back body drop! HBK comes running and gets thrown aside. He goes backstage and gets a chair, and he and Jericho have a chair duel! AWESOMENESS! Jericho wins the duel and swings the chair with abandon! Shots to Show and Jericho! BIG SHOW with a right hand puts an end to those festivities. Show gets a ladder and passes it in to Jericho in the ring but DX come running to the rescue! HHH beats down Jericho inside, I didn’t see what happened to Show. HHH has a ladder and rams it into the ribs of Jericho. HBK is hunting for something but still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. Don’t worry HBK, neither has Bono. Scoop slam by HBK, he and HHH suplex the ladder onto the back of Jericho! That’s a new one on me. Show tries to come back into the match but DX slide the ladder into his face! DX set up the ladder but Show is back in! Headbutt to HHH! He drags HJBK off the ladder and beats holy hell out of HHH! Jericho back in with a ladder shot to HBK, then baseball slides the ladder into HBK, sandwiching him between ladder and post! Show drops the ladder mid-ring, Jericho hits the bulldog into the ladder! Jericho catches Shawn coming on and knocks him to the floor while Show sets the ladder up in the corner. HHH is whipped into the ladder! Show scoops up HHH and runs him into the ladder, then hang him from said ladder by the feet! Show whips HBK into HHH on the ladder!!! That looked pretty awesome. Avalanche by Show to HHH who is still on the ladder! However that removes him from said apparatus. HHH reverses Jericho’s whip and sends him to the ladder! He avoids a charging Show then hits him with the jawjacker knee!!! Ladder shot to Big Show! Shawn is up top, flying elbow by HBK! He sets for Sweet Chin Music on Jericho, but he ducks it! CODEBREAKER! Spinebuster by HHH! SPEAR by Big Show to HHH! Show sets up the ladder and climbs very slowly…CHAIR SHOT by HHH is no sold! Show punches the chair into the face of HHH! Show climbs again but DX are up, they push the ladder over!!! PEDIGREE TO SHOW!!! He goes to the floor and Michaels climbs! JERICHO pushes the ladder over, HBK to the floor! Jericho climbs, he has a hand on the belts! HHH stops him! Jericho fights him off and again has a hand on them…AGAIN HHH is up! Again Jericho fights him off, and a third time he comes back…powerbomb by HHH!!! The Game climbs..SHOW! CHOKESLAM! Big Show demolishes a ladder and throws it to the floor, then goes to work with body shots on HHH. Jericho has another ladder from under the ring as Show picks HBK up to the apron and hip tosses him inside the ring. They position both DX members between the halves of the ladder and Jericho batters it with a chair! Show that slams the ladder shut before RIPPING IT IN HALF and throwing out the other half. San Antonio wants tables. Show is on the outside with DX, he picks up HBK for the chokeslam and throws him into HHH and through a table on the outside! Jericho is trying to climb the half-ladder, but instead climbs Show’s shoulders! They can’t figure out how to get Jericho’s hand free to grab the belts! DX ARE UP! Show is defenceless! SUPERKICK to SHOW!!! JERICHO FLIES OFF AND ITNO A TABLE ON THE FLOOR…FACE FIRST!!!!!! Another superkick for Show, they take the half-ladder and ram Show over the top! HHH holds the half-ladder, HBK climbs…and retrieves!!

Winners: DX via retrieval

Jericho undershot that table badly and it looks like that was a really nasty fall.