Acero’s WWE RAW Review 3.21.22

Hey yo…

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It’s Monday…you know what that means.

The glass shatters and RAW starts with the music of Stone Cold Steve Austin. Maybe it’s the years of disappointment and lack of payoff, but this didn’t pop me one bit.

What did, though, is Kevin Owens coming out in a bald cap and a horrible impression of Austin’s swag. He asks the crowd if we are ready for KO to open up a can of whoop-ass then does the WHAT thing wonderfully. He continues to pretend to be Austin, saying he heard what Kevin Owens has said about Texas, and when he was invited to be on the KO Show, well he accepted.

He continues to berate Austin and the crowd until Austin’s music hits! People are hyped, Kevin readies himself for the attack, then laughs it off because he played us oh so well.

He is going to drink some beer before Kevin Owens gives him an ass kicking. He asks for beer, it gets tossed, and he can’t catch it. Crowd pops at his failure, which is kinda funny. Stop the music, says Owens. He asks the stagehands where they learned to throw beer – must be from Chicago. The totally NOT AN INDY WRESTLER is told to come into the ring and hand Owens a beer. He offers the beer, Owens takes it, kick, WHAM! STUNNER!!! He does the Austin taunt, getting in the face of the dude, and doin as Austin does, then pours beer on the guy.

Kevin Patrick is backstage with The Riddler Seth Rollins. What is his current state of mind when he faces the fact that he is not going to Wrestlemania. The crowd chants CODY. Seth stares on, then he starts laughing his ass off maniacally. He is going to borrow the mic. He takes it from Kevin and walks off.

Rey Mysterio’s masked face shows up on the tron, and he is here with his boy to face Dolph and Roode.

Before the match starts, The Miz comes out. He was invited by Corey Graves, apparently.

Match 1: Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode vs Rey and Dominik Mysterio
Dom and Dolph to start. Dom with a nice hip toss then an arm drags Dolph to the outside. He rolls back in, tags in Roode, and they double team Dom. Pin for 1..2.NO!! Rey in to stop the pin Dolph enters, sends Rey to the apron, Rey hits a shoulder, floes over the top rope and locks the head of Dolph with his legs, sending him over the top rope. Dropkick from Dom sends Roode to the outside. Rey and Dom hit a suicide dive to the outside to both Roode and Ziggler.

Seth’s music hits and he comes out with rhe mic.

He says the show doesn’t move until he says what he’s got to say. He wants a spot and he will get a Mania spot. He doesn’t want just any spot; he wants a spot on Mania….

The mic gets cut out.

It comes back on, says he wants a spot that will live forever.

The mic goes out again. He came for Austin last week, because that’ll live forever. This week, he wants bigger

The mic goes out again.

Seth drops the mic, says they’re trying to shut him up. Ok.

We are back to the match after a commercial break, and Rey headbutt Dolph off the top rope. He kicks Roode off the apron, then flies with a seated senton. Ziggler takes that like a champ. Tag to Dom. Rana to Roode. Roode sends Dom onto the apron, Dom hits a right, senton ala Eddie, spinning nekbreaker and a pin for 1..NO!!! DOlph in the ring to stop him, but Dom hit a neckbreaker on himRey tries to attack Dolph from the apron, but Dolph rolls out of the way. Dom turns into a spinebuster. Dom stacks Roode up, then kicks the leg out from under Roode. E hits the ropes. 619 to Roode!!! Dom to the top rope! He flies with a Frog Splash! Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Rey and Dominik Mysterio
This was hardly a match, as a bulk of it was during the commercial, and Seth’s interruption minimized it even more. Seeing Dom beat Roode convincingly was odd, and Miz taking Rey’s mask would be much more impactful if we hadn’t seen it many times before.
Total Rating: *
Match Time: 9:27

Miz hits Rey with a Skull Crushing Finale then rips off Rey’s mask. He wwalks up the ramp with it while Dom asks for a towel.

Seth is backstage with Pearce and Deville, and he says they will not silence him. They tell Seth he cant take over the show. They know he’s upset but he lost last week. Seth continues to laugh this off, saying he cant depend on them doin something for him. He walks away.

When we return, Miz is on the phone with Maryse. He tells her it just came right up. In comes Patrick to ask why he stole it. Miz says as a child, Logan Paul was a huge Rey fan, so he stole it for him. Never meet your heroes, right? Logan grew up to find out Rey is a jerk, and Dom is worse. The Mysterios have gone out of their way to humiliate he and Logan, but he did. He paraphrases Shakespeare, then says he will be Rey and Dom at Mania. This mask is for Logan. He dares Logan to wear it next week on RAW.

Omos is here and I still don’t care.

Apollo and Azeez come out to start the match. Before it starts, Apollo hits a dropkick to Omos, sending him outside. Azeez battles him outside, but he GOOZLES both men. Azeez breaks the hold, Omos with an uppercut. GOOZLE to Apollo. Azeez sends Omos into the ringpost. Apollo slide into the ring, he wants th ref to count him out, but I’m prtty sure the mtch hasn’t started?? Omos enters the ring, and the bell sounds.

Match 2: Omos vs Commander Azeez and Apollo Crews
Azeez enters the ring off a tag. Omos tells Azeez to cash him outside, how bout that, then he body slams Azeez to the pure joy and orgasmic bliss of Corey Graves. Apollo flies off the 2nd rope, Omos catches him, lifts him to the shoulders, then presses him up and down. Big kick to Azeez to the side of the head. Omos grabs Apollo by the back of the neck. He brings him over to Azeez, grabs his head, tells him this is Apollo’s fault as the we heard loudly Azeez being told to scoot over.

Omos rolls Apollo onto Azeez, covers both men, but Azeez’ shoulder is up, so the ref wont count Finally, he does and gets the 1..2…3.

Winner: Nobody
Lol. This was hot garbage on the level of Corbin. Sloppiness all around, botched spots, called spots, two big dummies and poor Apollo.
Total Rating: DUMPSTER FIRE
Match Time: 1:47

Omos says anyone that has the balls will be dominated at Mania. Or something like that. He goes into another language, I think, for a bit, which is fine, just a bit jarring.

After a recap of Edge going Blue, AJ is here lookin like Chucky.

He is upset, and aint afraid to show it. Much appreciated.

AJ addresses Chicago directly, saying he’s been at home nursing an injury, recovering with nothing but time on his hands. If you have enough of it, time can be a dangerous thing. He must have watched the clip of his head getting squashed over and over again, to the point that he thought he was going crazy. He didn’t wanna be around anyone, didn’t wanna see the kids or talk to the wife – he just wanted to be alone, but look who pops up on the TV – Edge. His mood lighting, and his mouth spewing out nonsense, answering the question why, but the truth is, AJ doesn’t care why. He aint here to ask why. He doesn’t want answers. He is here to kick Edge’s teeth down his throat. Edge wants the pitbull, he’s got him, but we don’t have to wait till Mania. We can do this right now.

COWARD, says AJ.

BURN IT DOWN!!!

Seth is all smiles, mic in hand, heading to the ring.

Cody chant. Seth tells the crowd to simmer down. Rumors are a lot of fun, but rumors don’t make moments, and he is living for his mania moment.

AJ tells him to cut the crap. Seth says he is out here because he is concerned about AJ’s health and safety. After what Edge did, is AJ even ok with fighting Edge at Mania? Seth has a proposition: go home and Seth will fight Edge.

This interruption makes sense. The one before did not.

AJ tells Seth he’s nuts; as long as he is able to walk, he’ll face Edge. Seth says ok, so as long as he is able to walk? If for some reason, AJ couldn’t walk, Seth could have his spot?

AJ vs Seth? Winner goes to Mania? What say AJ? Seth says he’s running out of options. AJ is going to do what Seth couldn’t; he’ll destroy Edge, then they’ll get back to Seth and AJ.

Here comes Pearce and Deville, who must think this is a good idea just like last week. They do think just that, and announce it.

AJ Attacks Seth until Seth rolls out of the ring and back up the ramp.

Carmella is on her phone, which is totally not Apple, and Zelina comes in to tell her she is not focused. Mella says it feels Zelina is not watching her back, but Vega thinks she’s working enough for the both of them, calls her wedding and reality show stupid. Their titles are on the line at Mania. Mella gets it, she knows how it works, then explains it to us. Vega rips her phone out of her hands and tosses it, then calls her an ugly Bridezilla. Mella calls Vega a hobbit, then slaps her.

AJ is pissed backstage, tells both Pearce and Deville that they suck at their job, and says he’ll do this himself.

Match 3: Liv Morgan and Rhea Ripley vs Natalya and Shayna Baszler
Rhea and Shayna to start. Rhea takes control by slamming Shayna down face first then tagging in Liv. Rhea launches Liv onto Shayna. Cover for 1..2.NO!!! Tag to nattie who eats a rana from Liv. Liv with a running high knee. She rolls Nattie to the center, Liv gets distracted and Natalya slams her down, runs up her back, kick to th fac,e tag from Shayna, running knee, cover for 1..2.NO!!!

Carmella runs out with her title, heads straight to Corey to complain about Vega. Graves tries to calm her down, as Shayna works the arm behind Liv. Liv turns into the hold as Graves continues to try and calm his fiancé down. Liv is cornered and Shayna hits a right, then a left. Liv kicks Shayna down, kicks Nattie down, crawls towards a tag, can’t quite get there, because Shayna pulls Rhea off the apron. Nattie locks the head, Liv rolls her up. 1..2…N!O!!! Spinning lariat from nattie.

Tag to Shayna. Shayna lifts, Nattie with a Hart Attack cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winners: Shayna Baszler
I have NEVER been a fan of things that are unimportant or lack severity interrupting a match. Because of this, the match was hardly one. That, and the incredibly long wait time Liv took for Rhea to get pulled off the apron bogged this down.
Total Rating: *
Match Time: 3:43

Vega attacks Rhea with her scepter, Mella attacks Natalya and Shayna on the outside. Mella rolls into the ring, Vega stands ready for whatever. They hear the crowd chant Fight, but hug each other, instead. They grab the titles and hold their hands high.

Becky Lynch is here with the chair she injured Bianca with and her title.

Becky says our mind doesn’t work in symphonies like hers does. WARDLOW TO THE WWE!!! Becky says it was 8 months ago when he faced Bianca at Summerslam. She’ll come back to that, though. 15 long months that she went without holding the title. Not because anyone beat her, but she was forced to submit it. Every day that went by was more and more painful. She knew she would do whatever it took to get the title back – her precious. She is glory. She is the prize at the top of the mountain. This is her world. When she came back, and we chose Bianca over her, that’s when she knew she’d sell her soul to keep this. Bianca doesn’t have what it takes to beat her. She can scar Becky’s body, crush her throat, but she’ll crush Becky worse. She didn’t mean to damage Becky, but Becky meant to injure her. That’s the difference. She was supposed to come for her hair this week, but Bianca isn’t here. She knows if Becky takes a piece of her, she’ll lose her soul. Bianca doesn’t want to do that. Becky already sold hers, and she’d do it twice on Mondays if it meant keepin the title on her shoulder.

So Bianca, what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul?

She will show Bianca and the rest of the world at Wrestlemania, if Bianca makes it.

Nicely done, Becky.

Austin Theory is backstage, not caring about Pat’s apology. He calls him a dumb jock. He’s a smart man, though. He didn’t lose his job. He had a great NFL career, but has no business stepping in the ring with Theory. He will beat Pat at Mania, but when it comes to Mr. McMahon, Pat might not have a job, and yet….I’m sorry, he lost me. Wow, that was rough. All over the place with that one, Theory.

Speaking of rough, looks like he’s facing Finn again.

We get another Veer video package, this time saying he will show up on April 4th.

Pat McAfee is a special guest commentator for the upcoming match.

Match 4: Finn Balor vs Austin Theory
Finn with a waistlock. Into a side headlock by Theory. He comes off the ropes with a tackle. Rollup from Finn for 1…NO!!! Theory kicks Finn. Right hand, Sunset flip from Finn, hits a dropkick, kick to the mid section. Stomps to Theory. Theory to the outside. Pat is there to make fun of him, gives him an over the top SUCK IT. Finn with a dropkick.

We are back, and Pat takes his headphone off to distract Theory…again. Finn stands, breaks the waist lock, Theory hits a knee, then sends Finn into the corner. Dropkick out of the corner, right hand, whip to the ropes, reversed by Theory, hard right from Finn, shoots the legs, stomp to the chest. Finn gets sent to the outside. Theory sends Finn into the top of the table, tries for it again, but Finn blocks and sends Theory into it again, and again.

Into the ring, slingblade by Balor. Running dropkick into the corner. Top rope. Finn misses the finish. Theory rolls up for 1..2.NO!!! He mounts for some punches, right and left, Pat on the apron. AGAIN. Theory stares him down, Theory lifts Finn, goes for the finish, but Finn blocks. Kick to the chest. Another. He locks up, Theory reverses and hits a neckbreaker onto the knee. Nice. Cover for 1..2..N!O!!!

Theory on the apron, Pat runs up and distracts him. AGAIN. He mocks Theory, Theory rolls into the ring, Finn catches him by the head and rolls him up for 1..2…3!!!!

Winner: Finn Balor
On the one hand, I would have probably been bothered if this was a three minute match of nothing served only to sell McAfee vs Theory. We got a solid five of action, and it was likely the best match of the night thus far. Still, the interruptions were too frequent, making this too long, and borderline annoying.
Total Rating: **
Match Time: 7:56

We are reminded of the tag team action from last week with Otis and Gable getting the upperhand.

Match 5: The Alpha Academy vs Randy Orton and Matt Riddle
Gable and Orton to start. Orton hits an uppercut, tags in Riddle, flips him onto Gable with a Floating Bro. Cover for 1….NO!!! Gable punches, double underhook suplex into a bridge for 1…NO! Tag to Otis. Gable shoots Riddle down, grabs the legs and launches him into a running Otis. Riddle is able to corner Gable, knock Otis off the apron, then launch Gable out of the corner with a suplex. Riddle hits the apron, runs for a kick, but Gable grabs the leg and swings him down face first into the apron. Otis is there to truck Riddle down with a tackle.

We come back to Orton getting the tag and doing as Orton does. He awaits for the RKO, but Gable shoves him, Riddle gets the tag. Gable with a German. He sends Orton over the top rope.

Riddle misses a kick, Gable with a waist lock, tries a German, Riddle lands on his fet, knee, BRO DEREK! Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: The Alpha Academy
Give me Gable and Riddle for a bulk of the match, and I’ll be happy.
Total Rating: **
Match Time: 7:29

Otis is livid. He launches Orton into the barricade then enters the ring and squashes Riddle. He goes to the top rope but The Street Profits come out of nowhere and double team Otis, then help Riddle up. Surprise spinebuster from Dawkins to Riddle! Ford to the top rope! He flies with a frog splash.

Match 6: Tamina and Akira Tozawa vs Reggie and Dana Brooke

Dana hops on the shoulders of Reggie… and we get Akira on the shoulders of Tamina for…a chicken fight.

Yes. A chicken fight.

Fuck this.

Winners: Nope
Nope
Total Rating: Nope
Match Time: Nope

Tamina carries the nut-busted Akira up the ramp as he cries.

Match 6: AJ Styles vs Seth Rollins
Seth focuses on the neck to start, knowing it’s injured. He goes for a Pedigree quickly, but AJ hits a back body drop. He misses a splash in the corner, Seth rushes the corner and AJ sends him flying over the ropes onto the apron face first. AJ flies over the top rope with a forearm!

WE return to Seth staring at the sign, reminding himself of what this match is all about. He chops AJ in the corner. Another one. Seth lifts AJ to the top rope, hangs him upside down, hits the corner, runs with a dropkick to the head of AJ! He pulls AJ to the center, covers for 1..2..NO!!!! AJ with some fire, hitting some rights until Seth stops him with a knee. Whip to the corner, kick out of the corner, he springboards, but Seth clips the ropes and AJ tumbles to the outside! Seth hit the ropes, suicide dive!

We are back and Seth is yelling at AJ to go home and be with his family. He telsl AJ this isn’t personal, Seth needs this. AJ slaps the shit out of him, again, another. Aj with a right, left, back fist, clothesline! AJ with a clothesline in the corner, neckbreaker onto the knee, cover for 1..2..NO!!Seth with a cover and a bridge for 1..2…NO!!! AJ kicks, flips Seth forward and drives him down hard. Cover for 1..2.NO!!! AJ wants Styles Clash, Seth escapes, rolling elbow, Falcon Arrow! Cover for 1..2..NO!!! AJ and Seth trade some pins until Seth pulls AJ up and slams him down for a Buckle Bo—but AJ escapes!!! SUPLEX INTO THE CORNER!!!! Nice. Seth gets AJ to the top rope then follows. AJ slides down, pulls the leg, torture rack from AJ into a powerbomb and a cover for 1..2….NO!!!! AJ to the apron! Phenomenal Fore—NO!!!! Seth with a superkick!!!! DEEEEEYUM!!!! BUCKLE BOMB TO AJ!! Seth to the top rope! He flies! Frog Spl—KNEES UP!!! AJ GOT THE KNEES UP!!!

AJ to the apron again! He readies himself. BAM! CHAIR SHOT FROM EDGE!!!! The ref calls for the DQ, giving AJ Styles the win!

Winner: AJ Styles via DQ
I’m glad they got the commercials out the way in the beginning, but it still hurt the momentum of the match. That final stretch was beautiful, though, and a good way to close out RAW, even if the DQ was somewhat obvious.
Total Rating: ***1/2
Match Time: 22:20

AJ is announced the winner and Seth is livid. He grabs a mic, stands on the announce table. This is bullshit. He says next week, RAW will not happen unless he gets what he deserves. He wants his Wrestlemania moment.

He claims bullshit a bunch of times as the crowd chants for Cody. Seth rips apart some barricades then flips the announce table. He tosses some steps and breaks the ringpost.

End Show

6.5

The final score: review Average

The 411

Tonight's RAW was truly a one match show, with only the main event being great, and everything save for the tag match being pretty substandard to garbage. The less said about the 24/7 shit the better, as this week's episode was similar in vein to last week's where they likely don't want to injure anyone so focus more on story than action. Becky cut a nice and quick promo that was full of cliches, but effective, and Seth's continued attempt to garner a Mania match, as stupid as it may seem in the grand scheme of things, is turning out to be a bit more entertaining than first considered. Theory and Finn have probably wrestled a grand total of twice, yet it seems like they've been tethered to each other for months, and that just points out a fundamental flaw within the WWE's method of story-telling. Theory's rambling and incoherent promo didnt help either, as he was bested only by Omos and his incomprehensible babbling. Not a strong outing for RAW this week, but check out the main event.