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-Almost Live from the O2 Arena in London, England

-Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

-We open with the crowd chanting HOFF! followed by a number of monks carrying Hasselhoff masks, and cardboard cutouts of the man himself. Finally Hoff comes riding in to the arena in his Knight Rider car, and he heads to the ring. Hoff says we’re going to have a hofftastic night, and he feels hoffsome. He says he has heard the cries from WWE Universe. They love Raw, but there’s not enough Hoff. He says we’ve seen his movies, and seen him on TV, and on Sponge Bob. Tonight he’s paying homage to the most watched TV show in the world with his own special match honoring Baywatch. It will be the Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match. On a more serious note he was watching Smackdown the other night, and he realized there was no number one contender for the World Title. He thinks however if a man beats another man twice then he should get a title shot, so Jack Swagger will face Randy Orton. He says the number one contender for both the WWE and World Titles are in the building, so they will face each other. He ends by bringing out the diva’s for the title match.

WWE Diva’s Championship: Eve Torres vs. Maryse ©
Eve dances with Hoff, who genuinely seems to be enjoying himself out there and has tons of energy. That puts him in the upper echelon of guest hosts immediately. Maryse smacks Eve at the outset, and they fight over a lockup. Maryse slides to the floor and Eve is out after her which proves to be a mistake as she eats the apron. Back inside Eve fights back with a pair of forearms, and runs into a high elbow. Eve delivers a neckbreaker and sets up for a moonsault that misses. Maryse has a hearty chuckle about that, and smacks Eve on the back of the head. Maryse attempts the French Kiss, but Eve blocks it with a rollup to pick up the pin and the title at 2:19. History is made! Awful match as always.
Winner: NEW WWE Diva’s Champion-Eve Torres (Pinfall-Rollup ¼*)

-Showmiz are out for what is promised to be a huge announcement. Show says before Miz makes his announcement he needs to be honest and say when they first started teaming he was skeptical on if it would work. After winning at Wrestlemania, and twice last week, he’s changed his mind. Miz says he’s amazed someone so large has such a small ego. Miz wants to say Showmiz is the greatest tag team in WWE history, and chastises the crowd for booing that. He asks the crowd to name a tag team better than Showmiz. He says we can name all the tag teams we want, but the fact is that the fans have no credibility. Miz goes to say it one more time, but he is interrupted by Bret Hart. Bret says they call themselves the greatest tag team of all time, and says he can name two off the top of his head that are way better than them. He names The Hart Foundation and The British Bulldogs. Not tag teams that were good for a couple months, but rather for a couple years. Miz says David Hasselhoff isn’t the only 90’s icon who is delusional, and says he’ll slap a sharpshooter on him before he can slap some cheap sunglasses on some ugly kid. He says he’s a fan of the Bulldogs, but if they faced the Bulldogs he would slap them around too. Show warns Bret to leave, but he says he’s not ready to because he knows there’s a tag team back there that can beat them. Enter the Hart Dynasty. Miz says they can’t even be on Raw because they’re not the unified Tag Team Champions, but Bret says he invited them here. Bret reminds Miz that he faced David’s father right here in England, but Miz wants to know what that has to do with him. David says everyone know’s his father is watching tonight, and he wants to challenge Miz to a match tonight. If he wins then the Hart Dynasty gets a title match at Extreme Rules. Miz talks it over with Show, and says that while Show thinks it’s a huge mistake he thinks it’s an opportunity. He accepts the challenge on one condition. If and when he wins then next week on Raw Bret Hart will declare that Showmiz is the greatest Tag Team of all time. Bret talks it over with Dynasty and accepts the stipulation.

The Miz (w. The Big Show) vs. David Hart Smith (w. Tyson Kidd & Natalya
We’re joined in progress out of the break with Smith taking Miz down with a go behind. Miz elbows free of the wastelock, but runs into a shoulderblock. Smith charges at Miz in the corner but runs into a boot, he catches Miz with a backdrop however to keep control. Natalya gets a smack in from the floor, and Smith picks up Miz with his father’s trademark delayed vertical suplex for two. Miz fights back with a few boots to the side of the head, and rams Smith face first into the top buckle. Miz hits a top rope double axehandle for two, and hammers Smith with a series of elbows. Miz grabs a rear chinlock, but after coming free Smith exchanges blows with him. Smith gets the better of it with a series of clotheslines, and a powerslam picks up two. Miz comes back with a small package for two, but Smith delivers a belly-to-belly for two of his own. Smith charges into the corner, but that is dodged by Miz who follows with a running clothesline. Miz heads to the top rope, but jumps into a vicious big boot from Smith. Smith locks in the sharpshooter, but Big Show offers a distraction and gets dropkicked off. Kidd tries to help out but gets hammered, and thrown in the ring to distract the official. Smith goes for the running powerslam, but with the ref tending to Kidd Show delivers a kidney punch to break that up. Miz connects with the skull crushing finale, and picks up the win at 5:17. My guess is that Bret lives up to his end of the bargain, but whoever the guest host is gives the Harts a title shot anyway.
Winner: The Miz (Pinfall-Skull Crushing Finale **1/4)

-After a recap of last week’s main event we’re joined by Otunga and Batista chatting. Batista says a LMS match can be pretty rough, and he’s a little tired this week. Batista tells Otunga to get him a cup of coffee, and then he runs into the Hoff. Hoff says he didn’t invite Otunga here, but rather John Cena did. So Hoff arranged a match between Cena and Otunga tonight. He asks KITT how long it thinks it will take Cena to win, and it estimates 22 seconds.

Evan Bourne vs. Carlito
Carlito gets a jobber entrance. AGAINST BOURNE. That’s how far he’s falling. Carlito takes control early and fires Bourne into the top buckle. Bourne comes back with a spinning headscissor, and delivers a series of kicks. Carlito catches a boot and slams Bourne down to the mat before delivering a series of boots. Carlito grabs a rear chinlock, and when Bourne comes free Carlito delivers a boot to the head for another two. Carlito hits a back suplex for two, and hammers down Bourne in the corner. Bourne comes back with a series of kicks, and dodges a springboard back elbow. Bourne delivers a hurracanrana, and hits a running dropkick to a seated Carlito in the corner. Carlito comes back to hiptoss Bourne into the top buckle. Carlito goes for the backstabber, but Bourne blocks it and follows up with Air Bourne to pick up the win at 3:48. Fantastic match for the limited time they got.
Winner: Evan Bourne (Pinfall-Air Bourne **1/2)

John Cena vs. David Otunga
Wow, Cena nearly gets booed out of the building as he makes his entrance. Silly Brits. Batista wearing the preppy look tonight will be watching from the stage. Cena takes Otunga down with a single leg, and grabs a side headlock. Cena switches to a wristlock, and grabs a full nelson before taking him over with a snap mare. Cena grabs a rear chinlock, and goes back to the armbar. I find it hilarious that this crowd just seemingly is BEGGING to start a pointless “you can’t wrestle” chant or something, and can’t because of the way this is booked. Otunga hits a right hand, and that’s a mistake because Cena dominates with a series of fistacuffs. Cena hits a pair of suplexes, and fires Otunga away calling for Batista to come to the ring. Cena turns around long enough to destroy Otunga with a clothesline, and lock in the STF for the tap out at 3:09. Dave turns his back while Cena locks in the move. This was a complete squash. Dave gets all angry and is ready to come to the ring, but has to rip his sweater vest off first. Because nothing says bad ass like a sweater vest. Dave calls for the spotlight, and screams that he will say when before leaving.
Winner: John Cena (Submission-STF *)

-Sheamus is out and says last week HHH said he made a mistake bringing a pipe to a sledgehammer fight. He disagrees because he made HHH show his hand, because he only brings out the sledgehammer when he’s scared. If last week was any indication HHH is scared to death of him. He says things just got worse, as he just received confirmation that their match at Extreme Rules will be a street fight. He says he grew up on the streets of Dublin which is tougher than anywhere in America or “this fallen Empire.” He promises HHH if he shows up at Extreme Rules it will be a big mistake. Kofi Kingston interrupts and says its funny that he would stand out here and talk about mistakes. He says if Sheamus thinks that he can just beat him down without him doing anything about it he’s sadly mistaken. Sheamus warns him to turn around, but Kofi says he talked to Hoff and he gets some payback. He gets his payback tonight.

Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston
Sheamus takes control early with a side headlock, and connects with a shoulderblock. Kofi comes back with a series of kicks, and delivers a standing dropkick. Kofi sidesteps a charging Sheamus sending him to the floor, and hops out to the apron. Sheamus slides back inside, but Kofi sends him face first to the buckle. Kofi connects with a missile dropkick for two, but Sheamus regains control with a running double axehandle to the face. Kofi rolls to the apron, and gets hit with a kneelift sending him to the floor. Sheamus is out after him and fires him into the ring apron, and throws him back inside for two. Sheamus grabs an armbar, and follows up with a powerslam for two. Back to the floor goes Sheamus who delivers an elbow to Kofi while he lays on the apron, and then attempts to suplex him to the floor. Kofi blocks it and now back inside delivers another series of kicks. Kofi hits a dropkick, and a jumping clothesline. Kofi delivers the boom drop, and hops to the second rope for a series of right hands. Sheamus goes for the pump kick out of the corner, but Kofi ducks it and hits Trouble in Paradise. It only gets two however when Sheamus reaches the ropes. Sheamus rolls to the floor, and Kofi goes out after him. Sheamus is able to catch Kofi with a shot to the ribs with the television monitor drawing the DQ at 5:05. After the match Sheamus rams Kofi into the ringpost both back first, and then the abs. Sheamus then leaves him laying with a pump kick.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Disqualifcation-Domestic Object **)

-Carlito wants his rematch, and is looking for Hoff. He runs into Kozlov who is looking for competition. Carlito is sick of the guest hosts who are only out for themselves, and Kozlov wants to know who the host is next week. Carlito tells him its actually “hosts” as it’s the cast of MacGruber. Kozlov says next week he will get what he wants or he will destroy MacGruber.

-Josh Mathews gets a word with Randy Orton, and wants to know his strategy for Extreme Rules. Orton says that means there are no rules, and he’s perfectly fine with that. He’s sent over a dozen people to the hospital, and they didn’t get there with him playing by the rules. He says winning Money in the Bank was both the best and worst thing that ever happened to Swagger. He says he’s the last man Swagger wants to the step in the ring with, and his plans for him are strictly business. Tonight however with Batista its different. Something he has looked forward to for a very long time.

Baywatch Babe Triple Threat Tag Team Match: Gail Kim & Kelly Kelly vs. Rosa Mendes & Jillian Hall vs. The Bella Twins
The divas are wearing the Baywatch orange swimsuits and running to the ring in slow motion. David Hasselhoff is special guest “lifeguard” for this one. Just when things couldn’t get more epic we have Santino as special guest referee. This appears to be two ladies in the ring at a time for those of you that care. Jillian and Kelly start things off and Kelly hits a spinning ‘rana. A Bella tags in and hits a dropkick on Jillian, but after a distraction from Rosa, Jillian gets a Samoan Drop for two. Rosa tags in and hits a couple boots and a suplex for two. Rosa reverses something into a rollup for two, and Santino loses control as all the divas are in. In the confusion the Bella’s switch and rollup Rosa for the pin at 2:01. Afterward Jillian gets up in Santino’s face, and he swallows his whistle causing him to joke. Hornswoggle is forced to run out to make the save, and jars the whistle loose with a tadpole splash. The match was arguably the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but the shenanigans were epic.
Winners: The Bella Twins (Bella Dos pins Rosa-Rollup DUD)

Randy Orton vs. Batista
Batista powers Orton into the corner on the lockup, but Orton comes back with a side headlock and takes Batista down with a drop toehold. Orton hammers away with a series of right hands sending Batista to the floor, and when he comes back in Orton connects with an inverted backbreaker. Orton hits his signature stomps, but a jumping kneedrop misses. Batista fires Orton into the ringpost sending him to the floor and that sends us to break. We return with Batista still in control firing Orton into the second buckle, and following him in with a clothesline. Batista delivers a running elbow on the floor with Orton laid across the apron and follows up with a big boot after stopping the count. Batista covers for a two count and locks in a front facelock. Orton punches free and hits a clothesline, but Batista rebounds off the ropes with a clothesline of his own taking Orton down. Batista rolls to the floor where he preps the announce table and pulls Orton outside with him. Orton blocks Batista’s attempt and smashes Batista’s face into the table. Batista slides back inside and catches Orton with a boot to the face as he attempts to follow. Another boot to the face by Dave picks up two, and he sets up in the corner for a spear. Orton stops that with a kick and fires Batista shoulder first to the ringpost. They trade right hands with Orton getting the better of it and following a back elbow with a pair of clotheslines. Batista comes back with a big boot and goes for a powerslam, but Orton slides down the back and hits a powerslam of his own. Orton calls for the RKO, but looks out at the announce table and appears to have other plans. He measures Batista for the punt, but Dave is able to roll to the floor. Batista goes to the eyes when Orton follows, but gets caught coming back inside with a kick by Orton and the hangman’s DDT gets two. Orton again calls for the RKO, but Batista counters and hits the spinebuster. Batista calls for the Batista Bomb, but Orton counters into an RKO from out of nowhere. Orton goes for the cover, but Swagger runs in draws the DQ at 11:55. Swagger hits the Gutwrench Powerbomb and leaves Orton laying. Swagger walks out with his back to the ramp like an idiot, so he gets jumped by Cena from behind who runs in and slaps the STF on Batista. He taps out, but Cena leaves the hold on until a parade of officials come out to pull him off. Batista has passed out, so Cena counts to ten over the fallen Dave as we’re out for the night.
Winner: Randy Orton (Disqualifcation-Swaggerference **3/4)

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