wrestling / TV Reports

Cook’s WWE Hell in a Cell 2017 Report Card

October 8, 2017 | Posted by Steve Cook
Kevin Owens Shane McMahon WWE Hell in a Cell Image Credit: WWE

Hi, hello & welcome to the Hell in a Cell Report Card! My momma once told me that if you can’t say anything nice about something, don’t say anything at all. In that spirit, I have nothing to say about the SmackDown Live brand since the last time they held a PPV/WWE Network event. Tonight we’ve got a couple of Hell in a Cell matches and the return of the FASHION FILES~!

Here’s how I grade the WWE SuperStars…

A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.

Location: Little Ceasar’s Arena in Detroit, Michigan
Kickoff Show Panel: Renee Young, Peter Rosenberg, David Otunga
Social Media Lounge: Kayla Braxton
Interviewer: Dasha Fuentes
Announcers: Tom Phillips, Corey Graves. Byron Saxton

Kickoff Match: Shelton Benjamin & Chad Gable vs The Hype Bros: Chad & Mojo start. This should be interesting. Dang, Shelton tags in quick, I was hoping for some chain wrestling. Instead we’re getting quick tags. Mojo with a nice cross-body on Gable. Ryder tags in and a springboard splash gets two. Gable shrugs off a dropkick attempt and rolls Ryder up for two. Sportsmanship! Ryder & Shelton going at it now. The wily vets go back & forth. No sportsmanship from Shelton, as he turns a handshake into a spinebuster! Ryder should have known better there. Shelton has Zack in an armbar when we return from commercial. Suplex gets two. Gable tags in & continues working over Ryder. Shelton comes back in and does the same. Tide turns when Ryder knocks Shelton off the top and hits a missile dropkick. Hot tag to Mojo and he’s all crazy. Gable trying a cross-body on Mojo was questionable. Big ol’ slam gets a near-fall. Gable with a huge belly to belly. Moonsault gets a close two count. Mojo barely hanging on here. POUNCE! Gable runs into a boot from Ryder and gets thrown over the top. Shelton fights out of the Hype Ryder, hits Paydirt on Ryder and gets a two count! Mojo dumped outside, time for Benjamin & Gable to hit a reverse assisted bulldog off the top rope and get the three count! I’m sure that’ll get a name at some point.

Grades
Gabenjamin: B
Bros: B+

I thought Ryder did an admirable job as the Ricky Morton of the match. Mojo did well in his limited time in action…probably the right way to book it. Benjamin & Gable looked solid, but I think they’ll kick it to another level pretty soon. The Hype Bros don’t seem long for this world. Either Mojo decides that Zack is the weak link holding him back or Zack gets sick of Mojo’s foolishness. Both would seem to make sense.

Good crowd in Detroit tonight for the first WWE event at the LC. Can we call it the LC?

 photo 20170912_HIAC_TagTeam_zps2osr6pcx.jpg

WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship Hell in a Cell Match: The New Day (c) (Xavier Woods & Big E, Kofi Kingston on the outside) vs The Usos: New Day opens things with an address to the crowd about how they have the keys & it’s going to be a New Day Apocalypse. Usos wearing red tonight, a departure from their normal black. Both teams go under the ring. We got a chain, two kendo sticks and a chair, and all 4 are going at it. Xavier & E get the advantage, and Xavier loads his first with the chain…assisted fistdrop gets a two count. After watching Ultima Lucha the last two weeks it’ll be so weird when these teams aren’t bleeding buckets. Jimmy with a…dive! E said something naughty after taking a fall to the outside, hope that didn’t go poorly. Nah, he’s well enough to spear Uso to the outside, ramming his own head into the cell. Xavier breaks Francesca 2000 Turbo with an Uso, and now he’s got a red one. Breaks that one too. Big E gives Xavier a cowbell! Xavier wacks Jey with the cowbell. Big E finds a gong under the ring, maybe Michael Cole left it there earlier. Xavier wacks Jey with it. Jimmy breaks up the attempted double team by throwing a chair at Xavier. Superkick gets 2. The Usos get some kendo sticks and go to town on Big E. The fans chant for tables because they’re sadistic like that. Ass smash into Xavier’s face in the corner of the cell, with the assistance of a kendo stick! Dat man dead. Big E has to fight it alone now, and that’s what he does very briefly before the Usos take advantage. Big E with a Rock Bottom off the apron into a Backstabber by Xavier! That had to sting. Up Up Down Down gets the two count thanks to Jey breaking it up. Xavier gets more kendo sticks out from under the ring. Jey gets his shirt ripped so the kendo sticks can have more of an effect. They entrap him in the corner with the kendo sticks! That’s innovative. It’s bad news for Jimmy. Jimmy is almost killed on the ring steps before Jey gets out and breaks the whole thing up. Xavier is taken out of commission again. Superkick into an electric chair…Big E gets speared into the cell wall! Two splashes off the top rope, and Big E kicks out! It’s handcuff time, and E gets handcuffed to the bottom rope while Xavier gets cuffed to the ringpost. Time for a caning! Kofi gets a front row seat to Xavier being repeatedly caned. He slips off the ringpost, which is helpful. E’s cuffing to the rope didn’t last, and now he’s on the offense with suplexes. E rams Jimmy into two of the cell walls. E pulls the straps down and it’s time for the Big Ending! It only gets two! SUPERKICKS by the Usos! Double Uce gets a two count thanks to Woods breaking it up! Now it’s time for Woods to get caned again. He’s showing the FIGHTING SPIRIT! He’s handcuffed but he don’t care. They cane Woods down and now it’s time for a chair-assisted Double Uce! We got five-time five-time five-time five-time five-time tag team champions!

Grades
New Day: A
Usos: A

Damn good show inside the cell, as we would expect from these teams. The Usos winning makes sense mostly because all of the other teams I can name on SmackDown are faces. New Day losing doesn’t hurt them at all. The only people hurt here (other than the participants physically) are the poor people following it.

Kayla talks to AJ Styles about the addition of Tye Dillinger to his match with Baron Corbin. He’s not a huge fan, but he’ll make the most of it & quote Tom Petty.

 photo 20170926_HIAC_OrtonRusev_zpsoejbxzbz.jpg

Randy Orton vs Rusev: Good luck, fellas! It’s already gone longer than most of their matches so I’m not sure what to think about this. Orton’s stomping all over the brute. Then it’s Rusev sending Orton off the apron into the barricade. Fallaway slam into the barricade! Rusev takes full control over Orton here. Well. he did until Orton suplexed him on that barricade. Then Rusev clotheslines the man down. Rusev declares that it is Rusev Day while kicking Orton. Rusev Day gets foiled when Rusev hops into the steel post. Orton’s attempts at signature moves are temporarily shrugged off, but he eventually gets a powerslam for 2. Draping DDT is shrugged off and Rusev hits a fallaway slam followed by a SUPERKICK for two. Rusev back on the offensive and yelling about Rusev Day, but he misses a second-rope splash. Draping DDT! Orton’s hearing the voices! Rusev almost turns it into the Accolade, but Randy turns that into the RKO outta nowhere for the three count.

Grades
Randy: C
Rusev: C+

By Randy Orton’s 2017 standards this was pretty damn good. I don’t know if it means a thing for Rusev going forward, but as long as the checks keep clearing and Lana’s still around he’s got nothing to complain about. Every day is Rusev Day.

 photo 20170926_HIAC_StylesCorbin_zpsladsvlgn.jpg

WWE United States Championship Match: AJ Styles (c) vs Baron Corbin vs Tye Dillinger: The “ONE FALL” from the crowd is quite loud tonight. AJ & Tye team up on Baron while the crowd wonders where his briefcase is. Dillinger tries to sneak a quick one on Styles and now they go at it. Dropkick by Styles! Corbin drags Styles outside the ring and gets in there with Dillinger. Dillinger gets forced outside and Styles comes in to take some Corbin offense. Some funky moves there that end up with Styles getting rolled into the ringpost. That thing causes nothing but problems. Corbin focuses on Dillinger for awhile, then goes to work on Styles on the outside. Styles’ main job tonight seems to be getting thrown into things. And getting punched occasionally. That altitude work Graves was talking about Corbin doing earlier seems to be working wonders. Styles finally does something to somebody else! I don’t recommend trying to carry Corbin, no. Styles goes for the Styles Clash but there ain’t no chance. Corbin tumbles over the top & eats a sliding knee from Styles. Baaaaaaack body drop by Dillinger on Styles. 10-punch in the corner. The problem with counting 10 for each one is you don’t know when to stop. Dillinger exposes his knee for the Tye Breaker, but ends up fighting off a Styles Clash instead. And now it’s the Calf Crusher he has to fight off. Corbin makes sure that doesn’t happen. Styles with a flying forearm to the floor. Not quite phenomenal in my book. Styles gets sent into the ringpost & Corbin & Dillinger are in the ring. Corbin hits Deep Six on Dillinger! Styles tries the Phenomenal Forearm, but gets caught with a chokebreaker for two! Splashes in the corner by Corbin. Forearms in the corner by Styles. Superkicks by Dillinger! Pele kick on Dillinger, who falls on top of Corbin for two. Corbin misses Styles in the corner, Styles hits a springboard 450! Dillinger breaks up the count. They go at it now…Phenomenal Forearm to Dillinger! Corbin boots Styles out of the ring and covers Dillinger for the three count!

Grades
Styles: B-
Corbin: C
Dillinger: C

Can’t say AJ didn’t try to make these guys look good. Obviously one thought was to keep Styles strong by having Dillinger enter the match to take the fall. Doesn’t hurt him at all. Tye isn’t hurt either because he got a PPV payday out of it. Wonder if this means the end of AJ in this title scene, or if we get more Styles/Corbin matches. I’ll root for the former, as Corbin still largely bores me in the ring.

 photo 20170919_HIAC_NataChar_zpsy81y1pky.jpg

WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship Match: Natalya (c) vs Charlotte Flair: Greg Hamilton’s brown shoes are super distracting. Not sure what it says about me that I’m preoccupied with the ring announcer’s shoes, and they’re not even Jojo’s. Some good ol’ fashioned rasslin to start. Flair flip in the corner! Nattie’s working Charlotte’s knee in preparation for the Sharpshooter, and she does that to good effect for awhile. Gonna be tough for Charlotte to strut on that knee. She can chop though. Sit out powerbomb gets a veeerrrryyyy close two count. I don’t think the referee had to hit anybody though. Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter in the middle of the ring! Charlotte rolls out of it and Nattie tumbles into the bottom turnbuckle! That’s an ouch. Charlotte going for the moonsault seems like a bad idea. Natalya rolls out of the way and Charlotte notices, so that’s good. Now she wants to do it to the floor though, which seems even worse of an idea. Eh, kinda grazed Natalya. Nattie is angered by all this and attacks Charlotte ‘s knee with a chair on the outside! That gets a disqualification. Which is strange because I saw Braun Strowman hit Roman Reigns with steps last month and apparently that wasn’t a DQ since it was on the outside.

Grades
Natalya: B-
Charlotte: B

I’ll give Charlotte some extra love for her selling. Certainly if anybody should know how to sell a knee, it’s a Flair.

Ewww, Rosenberg on Talking Smack? Way to ruin that show.

The Fashion Files are back! They’re going Back 2 Basics. That’s So Raven? That’s a lawsuit. The Ascension are in disguise & have a delivery tube. It’s an Ascension poster and they want 2B friends. Breezango run them down whilst not knowing they’re there, and Ascension’s feelings are hurt. Awwwww. There’s a golden light shining in a briefcase, which means it’s time for Pulp Fashion on Tuesday!

A million billion stars.

 photo 20170905_HIAC_JinderNakamura_zpsm0dwj7bi.jpg

WWE Championship Match: Jinder Mahal (c) w/Singh Brothers vs Shinsuke Nakamura: Shinsuke is wearing black tonight, as he’s in mourning that he has to wrestle Jinder again. Jinder looks more veiny than usual. Shinsuke wrestling himself here could be entertaining, and that’s mostly what’s going on early. Jinder knocks Shinsuke right into the empty front row. Now we get some Jinder offense! Lots of rest holds, stomping and things like that. Nakamura fires up! Various kicks. Knee strike in the corner gets 2. Jinder went back on offense and I got distracted. Nakamura fights back. And here come the Singh Brothers. We get a rollup by Nakamura for 2. Charles Robinson has had enough of the Singhs and kicks them out. Kinsasha gets a two, as Jinder was able to grab the ropes. And now Jinder tries to go out through the crowd, but Shinsuke takes him back in. Kisasha hits the turnbuckle, Jinder hits the cobra clutch slam and it’s over! No Singhs, Shinsuke had his chance and he blew it. Feud over.

Grades
Jinder: D
Shinsuke: C-

Hey, at least it wasn’t an F this month, right? Either way, anything the least bit special about Nakamura in WWE is done at this point. Time to move Jinder on to the next useless feud that’ll be lucky to fill fourths of arenas. I’ve run out of things to say about the inane Jinder Mahal experiment that will not be ended because reasons, so let’s move on.

Kevin Owens promises to send Shane McMahon to hell where he belongs.

 photo 20170926_HIAC_RoodeZiggler_zpsnzmvkpan.jpg

Bobby Roode vs Dolph Ziggler: Roode’s robe budget has definitely increased since he made the move to WWE. His first robe was a hand-me-down from Terry Taylor & Scott D’Amore as I recall. Dolph’s entrance involves the stage lights going down & no music. It’s his best yet. Some nice chain wrestling to start. Roode gets the upper hand and lets us know he is Glorious. Roode’s dominating early here, but you know eventually Dolph has to take over. Which he does. Roode starts fighting back. Blockbuster gets a two count. This hasn’t been bad but it hasn’t reached an upper level. Uranage gets a near-fall for Roode. He motions for the Glorious DDT but doesn’t get it just yet. Ziggler hits a DDT of his own and gets a near-fall. The crowd chants for pizza. Ziggler hits a bulldog/Famouser for two. He tunes up the band, but the superkick attempt is blocked. Spinebuster by Roode! Now we get a series of rollups with Ziggler trying to use the tights. Roode uses them to get the win, and then Ziggler hits the Zig Zag after the bell to continue the feud.

Grades
Roode: C-
Ziggler: C-

Eh, they tried. They were in a miserable spot on the card and given a finish that didn’t do anybody any favors. What can ya do? Try again next time, I suppose.

 photo 20170912_HIAC_ShaneOwens_zpskbzrsztz.jpg

Hell in a Cell Falls Count Anywhere Match: Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens: Oh no, Shane has his family sitting at ringside. This won’t end well for anybody. Shane baseball slides KO as he tries to enter, and they start on the outside. Shane lands a bunch of shots and they go in the cell eventually. Shane knocked off the apron and into the steel. KO tells Shane’s kids to get a good look at Daddy. They seem amused. I think the first three rows passed out from oxygen deprivation thanks to Shane. Owens heavy on the offense here, as it should be. He’s the anti-Charles Barkley, as he claims he should be Shane’s kids’ role model. Swanton Bomb gets Shane’s knees! Shane fights back briefly, but it doesn’t last long. Frog splash by Owens gets two. He goes for the pop up powerbomb, but Shane goes for a triangle choke! Owens uses the ropes to separate himself from the hold. Shane tries it again, but he gets dumped onto the steps! Kevin asks Shane why he made him do this as he stomps away. These poor fans still want tables. And they’re gonna get one! He sets Shane up for the cannonball through the table, but Shane moves! Holy fecal material! KO barely gets his shoulder up. No, having your foot on the cage doesn’t break the pin. At least I don’t think it does. Shane repeatedly hits KO with part of the table, and gets a garbage can out. Shane goes Coast to Coast! KO gets his foot on the rope at 2. Corey Graves doesn’t think that should have counted. He’s probably right, but what the hell. Shane demands that they open the door. They don’t, so he gets bolt cutters and that seems to do the job. Eventually. Shane gets KO outside, and that backfires pretty quickly. Shane’s crotch gets rammed into the door and he gets beaten about ringside. Owens headbutts Shane onto the announce table & ascends the barricade…he has second thoughts as he looks at the Cell. Yup. This seems like a tremendously bad idea all around.

Kevin goes up top…he has second thoughts. Then third thoughts. That gives Shane enough time to revive and start climbing up. This also seems ill-advised. Sure enough, KO meets Shane there, but Shane manages to get on the roof. Oh boy. Side Russian leg sweep by Shane! Fortunately the roof panels seem secure. Shane tests one out by body slamming KO! He even does the back bump off the slam like he’s slamming a big dude in the No Mercy video game. Vertical suplex by Shane! SUPERKICK by Owens. Senton by Owens! Owens sets up a power bomb…backdrop by Shane! They’re having a whole damn match up there. KO with the pop up power bomb! See, the problem with this is that there’s no referee up there to make a count. KO gets set to toss Shane off, but Shane holds it off. This is just getting silly. Kevin agrees and starts climbing down. The fans boo. Now Shane follows him down. They’re about halfway up and kicking at each other. Shane gets the edge…KO through the table! The EMTs are out to check on him. Shane comes over…he’s not going to cover him yet, he’s going to drag him to the other announce table. Yeah, why not? Shane climbs up the cage because why wouldn’t he? KO didn’t want to jump off, but Shane always does. KO moves out of the way! No, hold on, I saw that wrong!

SAMI ZAYN MOVED HIM OUT OF THE WAY! Sami pushes the EMTs out of the way and he puts KO on top of Shane! He makes the referee count three! Everybody is shocked! Hell, I’m shocked! KO & Shane are attended to by various medics while Sami gives a look that we’re not sure what to make of.

Grades
Shane: A
Owens: A

Shane gives the thumbs up to the crowd on the stretcher as we fade to black.

Final Thought

Except for the Jinder business that was a pretty damn good show. The HIAC matches delivered in interesting ways. Where does Sami Zayn go from here? The main goal of these shows is to leave plenty of questions going forward, and for the first time in awhile, SmackDown Live has some interesting questions that need answers. I’m certainly all in on the Sami Zayn story.

For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on whatever happens to be going on at any random point in time, follow him on Twitter!