wrestling / TV Reports
Cook’s WWE Royal Rumble 2018 Report Card
Hi, hello & welcome to the 2018 WWE Royal Rumble Report Card! At one time, the Rumble was my favorite event of the year. That included events in my personal life, which weren’t exactly vast in number. I still enjoy the event, but the fact that it’s as long as two NFL games puts a damper on the proceedings. Hopefully the show will be good enough to make up for the no sleep I’ll be getting tonight.
I do have a little skin in the game tonight, as I’m participating in SoBros Network’s Fantasy Royal Rumble Championship. We’ll have a close eye on #10 & #18 in the Women’s Rumble and #7 & #17 in the Men’s.
Here’s how I grade the WWE SuperStars…
A – Outstanding. Great moves, selling, interaction with the fans, everything. Stands out as a top performer.
B – Above Average. Very good offensively or defensively. Plays their role well. Helps the match accomplish what it set out to do.
C – Average. The type of performance that does nothing to stand out. No outstanding moves, no great effort to sell their opponent’s offense or draw the crowd into what they’re doing, just bland, basic wrestling. Sometimes, especially in a multi-man match, a short period of time spent in the ring without a chance to do too much.
D – Below Average. Poor execution, ignoring the crowd, not doing things that make sense.
F – Failure. Not doing anything useful. Actively holding the match back from accomplishing its objective.
I’m not grading the Rumble participants because I want to post this before the Elimination Chamber event.
Three matches on the Kickoff show! At least the guys in the first match are used to performing in front of mostly empty arenas…
Kalisto, Lince Dorado & Gran Metalik vs. TJP, Gentleman Jack Gallagher & Drew Gulak
Byron Saxton joins Vic Joseph on commentary as Nigel McGuinness is under the weather. Kalisto & Gulak start. Kalisto’s not going to get a lot of Lucha Lucha chants tonight I don’t think. They do some fancy matwork because it’s a Drew Gulak match. Gulak tags Gallagher in while Kalisto tags Metalik. Gallagher quickly gets outclassed so it’s time to tag TJP & Dorado in. Things kind of slow down, then all three babyfaces climb to the top rope and hit moonsaults on the various heels on the floor. That wakes the crowd up a little bit. After a commercial it’s time for Dorado to take some offense from the evil trio. Metalik eventually gets the hot tag & does some nifty turning on the ropes. Kalisto tags in & we get some fun flips! TJP tags in just in time to take the loss to Kalisto’s Salina de Sol. TJP is mad at Gulak & Gallagher for some reason.
Decent enough work, but if you missed this you missed absolutely nothing. TJP’s losing gimmick should get him over.
Grades
Technicos: C
Rudos: C
Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn hanging out in the Social Media Lounge & burying Peter Rosenberg is great. That might end up being the best part of the show when it’s all said & done.
Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson vs. The Revival (Dash Wilder & Scott Dawson)
Dash & Dawson got nothing on Monday night in what will be a much more watched show than the Royal Rumble Kickoff. Dawson & Anderson start, Anderson hits a leg lariat & tries to break Dawson’s arm off like he’s in the NWF. Gallows has a brief flurry, then Anderson tags back in & Revival turns the tide. Some nice knee-based offense & isolation of an opponent. All good things come to an end though, and here comes Gallows to mess up their world. I do not want that man kicking me. He tags Anderson back in a little too soon though. Magic Killer is broken up. Gallows charges into the post, and that sets up a chop block on Anderson to get the win.
Nice job selling by Anderson. Revival had some good looking stuff, but time will tell if people will care about a solid tag team.
Grades
Club: C+
Revival: C+
RUSEV DAY bringing the video heat. Alundra Blayze & JBL bringing the heat on the panel.
Bobby Roode knows that if you’re the United States Champion you have to have an open challenge. Mojo Rawley was dominant in his match with Roode in the tournament, so he’ll answer it.
Bobby Roode’s Glorious US Open Challenge
Bobby Roode vs Mojo Rawley
Mojo representing for Maryland in honor of that bitter feud they have with…Villanova? Maybe? That football tackle looked like it had some bad intentions. Roode fights back after some time on defense. Mojo finally starts talking some trash and he gets infinitely more interesting. He doesn’t talk enough though, as Roode hits the Glorious DDT outta nowhere for the three count.
Not the most glorious of showings for Roode, but he’ll have better nights with better opposition.
Grades
Roode: C-
Mojo: D+
Ric Flair joins the panel & reminds me of Lee Corso. Sadly he doesn’t put on a mask representing the person he thinks will win the Men’s Rumble. The crowd entertains themselves by counting down with the running clock.
WWE Championship Handicap Match: Sami Zayn and Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles
We’re operating under tag match rules here, so only one of Zayn & Owens can be in the ring at a time. Styles out-wrestling both men early on. Kevin amuses us by running out of the ring, sliding back in by his corner and tagging Sami. Damn, Saxton has already had enough of Graves and it’s only the opening match. He needs to dial that down a notch or two, it’s not coming off as adorable like Monsoon & Heenan’s old married-couple bickering back in the day. Owens has grabbed the advantage & invites Styles to play outside. Some chinlock action because that’s how KO rolls. Owens possibly aggravates an ankle injury from Thursday night and tags Sami in. Sami finds limited success. Pele kick on Owens! Sami tags back in and eats the Phenomenon DDT! Owens monkey flips Styles into a rana on Sami, and then AJ locks in the Calf Crusher on Kevin! Sami breaks it up before Kevin can tap. AJ fighting both men off right now. Kevin with a superkick & Sami with the Blue Thunder bomb gets two! Sami beat AJ with that move on Tuesday night. Sami slaps AJ in the corner and sets him up for the brainbuster…AJ slips out, ends up on the apron & hits the Phenomenal Forearm! Kevin breaks up the count at two. AJ & Sami fire back & forth with forearms. KO tags in…he goes for the pop-up powerbomb but Styles turns it into a rollup for three! AJ STYLES OVERCOMES THE ODDS!
Grades
Styles: B+
Kami: B
AJ got a lot more offense in this match than I would have figured going in. Which is fine, as he’s the good guy champion & has the persona of being better than everybody at wrestling.
We find out via replay that Kevin & Sami didn’t actually connect on the tag…sure enough, Kevin & Sami make their case backstage to Shane McMahon. Shane says Yep when they ask if he saw it. He doesn’t seem too concerned about it.
2 of 3 Falls SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match: Chad Gable and Shelton Benjamin vs. The Usos
Everybody being locked down. The Usos take advantage of Gable early on, but the transition is made when Shelton gets a blind tag. They target Jimmy Uso’s leg for their beatdown. Jey eventually gets the tag. Paydirt gets a two count for Shelton. Gable with a nice moonsault on the outside. Superkicks by Usos & a splash by Jey on Gable gets a two count. After much offense, four Uso superkicks finally decide a fall. That went on a lot longer than probably necessary.
The second fall will probably be nice and short, as Jimmy gets taken out with Shelton & Chad’s finisher on the floor. Overhead kick by Gable, then Shelton tries to do something, but Jey rolls Shelton up for the win!
This is a tough one to grade. The wrestlers performed well. But I didn’t care about any of it. The first fall had way too much stuff going on, it honestly felt like they forgot it was two out of three falls. Let’s give everybody a C & call it a day.
Grades
Usos: C
Benjigable: C
Everybody started losing their minds when they figured out the Men’s Rumble was on next. Me, I don’t care as long as the dang show ends somewhat on time.
Jerry “The King” Lawler comes out to join the horde of announcers for this match.
30-Man Royal Rumble Match
Aiden English comes out to sing about Rusev Day & everybody is happy. Rusev is #1, while Finn Balor enters second! Tough draw for both fellas. Not to mention the heat Balor will get if he ends Rusev Day too early. The clock ticks down after some back & forth action, and here comes Rhyno at #3. He & Rusev face off like bulls. Here come the ECW chants for Rhyno. Rusev saves Finn from elimination, which seems ill-advised. Big Baron Corbin drew #4 and he’s cleaning house. He’s been talking about this match as long as anybody, but I don’t like his chances at this slot. Deep Six for Rhyno, and Corbin tosses him out. Balor tosses Corbin soon after! That gets Finn tossed shoulder-first into the barricade. Rusev meets End of Days on the floor! Chokebreaker to Balor! Balor & Rusev are down on the floor as Heath Slater comes out at number five. He gets run over by Corbin on the entrance ramp.
Everybody is down, which means Elias can come out at #6 and have time for a song! Boot to Slater! WHO WANTS TO WALK WITH ELIAS? I get the feeling the clock has not stopped, but Elias seems to think it has. It might be his night, but #7 happens to be NXT Champion Andrade “Cien” Almas! WITH ZELINA VEGA! Almas hits the spider on the ropes spot. Double knees in the corner! Elias gains the advantage with a clothesline. Bray Wyatt has drawn the eighth entry. Just like Elias & Almas did on their way to the ring, Wyatt hits Heath Slater. Finn Balor re-enters the fray with Bray hanging around. Rusev Day chants fuel Rusev back into the match! Bray won’t let him in the ring though. Number nine is one-third of the New Day, Big E! He offers Heath some pancakes. Big E suplexes Bray, but Rusev kicks his head off. Everybody pairs off, and #10 is of course the Perfect 10, Tye Dillinger. OR MAYBE NOT. Kevin & Sami assault Dillinger backstage! Sami Zayn says “I’ve got this” and takes Tye’s slot! Seems fair to me. He attacks Balor upon entering the ring.
Sheamus comes out at #11. He rolls Heath into the ring, and Heath knocks him right over the top! That might be the fastest elimination for a former Rumble winner in history. Wyatt takes Slater out right after. Xavier Woods is #12, and he & Big E start double-teaming folks. Apollo Crews comes down at #13. Michael Cole wants to know what’s wrong with Saxton. Shinsuke Nakamura is #14 & the fans enjoy singing his theme music. Sami Zayn goes out over the top thanks to Nakamura! Cesaro is next in at #15 & apparently his theme song now is just the siren. I get the feeling a heater will be coming in pretty soon to clear some folks out. Cesaro & Rusev going after each other is kinda fun.
Kofi Kingston is #16, and all three New Day members are in now. It doesn’t stop Cesaro from taking his head off. Crews tries to do something to Cesaro and that just leads to his downfall & elimination. Number 17 is none other than the modern day Maharaja, Jinder Mahal! Jinder takes out New Day people one at a time. Xavier is first, then Big E follows him out. Seth Rollins is #18 & he’s got some flaming tights tonight. He monkey flips Cesaro outta there. Jinder flips Kofi out, but Kofi’s right foot lands on Xavier! Big E gets some pancakes & Kofi’s foot still has not touched the floor. Xavier & E toss him back in! Trouble in Paradise hinders Jinder right out of the ring! Almas makes sure to toss Kofi on the opposite side of the ring because he’s smart like that. Woken Matt Hardy is #19 & he faces off with Bray Wyatt. They team up to eliminate Rusev! They then eliminate each other so the Great War must continue. Yay? Some guy named John Cena is #20. Everybody in the ring teams up on him for a brief second! Elias tries to make him drift away, but Cena lifts Elias up and over the top!
The Miz got a great draw at #26. He goes nuts on Rollins, Balor & Cena. It Kicks followed by the Skull Crushing Finale on Cena. #27 brings out Rey Mysterio! He gets a better pop here than he did in 2014. Adam Cole is the first to go out thanks to Rey. Miz dials up the 619! Rey sure is looking well. Roman Reigns is #28 and everybody is happy to see him. OK, maybe not. He whoops up on everybody and targets Miz for a second before tossing Titus out. The Miztourage saves Miz for a second there. Rollins delivers the Blackout to Miz! Double powerbomb by Rollins & Reigns eliminates Miz, then Reigns eliminates Rollins! Rollins gets it though, it’s every man for himself. Goldust is #29 & he nearly tosses Orton out! #30 is the once-retired Dolph Ziggler! He goes right after Cena & declares himself the man. He does manage to eliminate Goldust. Zig Zag to Nakamura. Ziggler tunes up the band, but it doesn’t play. Nakamura puts Ziggler on the apron & Balor knocks him off!
Cena, Rey, Orton, Reigns, Balor & Nakamura are the final six. 619 for Reigns! RKO for Nakamura! Superman Punch to Orton, and Reigns tosses him out! Rey has another 619, but Balor tosses him out! Two of these men will make the Internet happy. Two will not. We trade off standoffs. The fans don’t care for the Cena/Reigns exchanges, but this is a fun little Fatal 4-Way match. Balor hits a doublestomp on Nakamura’s throat (or close enough) but Cena tosses him out! Long night for Balor. Nakamura gets Cena on the apron, and he kicks Cena off into elimination! Nakamura & Reigns are the final two. The fans have their favorite. COME ON says Shinsuke. Nakmura gets Superman punched. He survives that, but then eats a powerbomb. Spear gets blocked! Knee to the face…Nakamura runs right into a spear! Reigns with the over the shoulder move that rarely ends well in Rumbles…yup, Nakamura fights out and tosses Roman out!
We’re not grading every performer, but I’d say this Rumble match earned a solid A. It was pretty light on BS & had extended periods of good action. It might have gone a little long at the end but the fans were really into it. Good luck to the remaining combatants on this show.
Renee Young asks Nakamura which champion he wants at WrestleMania. Of course he wants AJ Styles. The fans approve.
Shane McMahon & Daniel Bryan approve backstage. Kurt Angle & Stephanie McMahon are less thrilled with that result but look forward to the rest of the show. Stephanie promises that we’ll be pleasantly surprised. Hmm.
These Colonel Rumbles are always like weird fever dreams.
Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Sheamus and Cesaro vs. Seth Rollins and Jason Jordan
You could hear a pin drop in this arena as Sheamus & Cesaro work Rollins over. Jordan gets knocked into the ringpost. A suicide dive by Rollins barely gets a reaction. The doctors check on Jordan while Rollins works a 2 on 1 match. They’re trying, but nobody’s really into it. Rollins finally fights back. Frog splash on both men! Jordan finally gets up on the apron and makes the tag. He decides he can’t go, which is probably the smart move as he’s selling a concussion. Rollins gets tagged back in & continues. Sheamus & Cesaro win the Raw tag team championships in an ok match that nobody in the world cared about. The storytelling with Jordan is kind of interesting, but that crowd reaction is tough to get over.
Grades
Angle Shield: D-
Bar: D
To be fair, I don’t think very many people would have succeeded directly following a Royal Rumble Match.
WWE Universal Championship Match: Kane vs. Braun Strowman vs. Brock Lesnar
Let’s see if the hosses can wake up the crowd! Paul Heyman’s shrieking might. No disqualification means people can bring chairs into the ring. Brock gets kneed pretty good. Braun gets punched pretty good. Braun is carrying stairs around the ring & hitting people. He gets two tables out from under the ring. There’s not a whole lot of psychology here beyond “let’s hit each other really hard”. And there really shouldn’t be. Kane gets a nearfall with a chokeslam. F-5 to Kane & Braun breaks that up with a ridiculous looking german suplex to Brock. Brock F-5s Braun into the German announce table. Brock topples the English announce table onto Braun & Michael Cole exclaims that Braun has been buried. Slightly less ridiculous than Corey Graves declaring Braun dead. Kane gets F-5ed into the Spanish table. The tables aren’t really selling for these guys. Powerslam in the ring for Brock. Kane stumbles in with a chair. He whacks Braun in the front and I just start laughing. Brock F-5s Kane onto a chair and that’s it.
That was about what we all were expecting, right? Nothing pretty, just guys beating each other up. Not quite as crazy as some other Brock insanity fests. It was fine enough for time filling.
Grades
Brock: C
Braun: C
Kane: C-
Braun says that Brock can’t beat him. He didn’t have to.
Maria Menounos is out to provide guest ring announcing. She introduces Stephanie McMahon, who will provide guest commentary. Cole & Graves are already driving me nuts with their fawning. Alexa Bliss & Charlotte Flair come out to observe as well.
30-Woman Royal Rumble Match
Sasha Banks draws #1 because of course she does. Becky Lynch is #2, so the odds aren’t looking good for WWE’s Horsewomen. Joining them in the third slot is Sarah Logan, whose character is a backwoods girl from Kentucky. She headbutts Banks’s nose clean off. Mandy Rose is #4 and goes right after Banks while Logan & Lynch go at it in the other corner. Our first surprise entrant at #5 is Lita! She takes down Banks & Lynch, but Mandy Rose wants to get her some. Logan goes over the top but lands on the apron & gets back in. Rose does not, as Lita has the first elimination of the evening.
Kairi Sane is the sixth entrant. The Pirate Princess takes Sasha & Becky down with a spear. Elbow in the corner to Lita. Sasha gets taken down & Kairi goes up top…elbow off the top! One for Becky as well, as a white-clad Tamina is #7. Lita DDTs Tamina & gives Becky & Sasha Twists of Fate! Moonsault? Moonsault. She still has it, says the fans. Tamina goes out over the top, then Becky comes from behind & elminates Lita! Dana Brooke is #8 and not wearing her business attire tonight. She over-powers everybody in the ring. Sane sits up top, which was a bad idea as Dana knocks her off. Number nine is none other than Torrie Wilson! Dana Brooke is the first to meet her wrath, and Sasha & Becky get some too, but Sarah Logan breaks that off with a dropkick. Torrie eliminates Dana, and Sonya Deville makes her entrance at #10. One of my sleeper picks to win the whole thing, so let’s see how she does. She’s off to a quick start going right after everybody. Torrie is the first to fall to Sonya, to the dismay of her supporters.
The Riott Squad’s Liv Morgan is #11. Logan’s still in there so they can help each other out against Sasha Banks. Molly Holly makes her return at #12! She takes a shot at everybody & eliminates Logan. Molly Go Round? Yes ma’am! Deville kicks her down. Becksploder on Deville. The Ravishing Russian Lana draws unlucky #13 & garners some Rusev Day chants. Lana smacks Liv & Sonya down! Michelle McCool is #14 & delivering hip smashes in the corner. She knocks Sonya out & then Liv follows soon after! Molly & Michelle go at it, and Molly goes out over the top. McCool is cleaning house like she’s the Undertaker or something. Lana gets tossed as well. Ruby Riott just missed her fellow Squad members, and she joins McCool, Banks & Lynch in the ring. Ruby barely avoids elimination on a couple of occasions. Banks pulls McCool onto the apron, but they both get back in.
Vickie Guerrero has a microphone and she’s #16. EXCUSE HER! Her voice still has it, but she doesn’t last long in the ring. No excuse for that. Carmella is #17 and still has that Money in the Bank briefcase. Vickie hits her with it! What brought that on? McCool going for the Faithbreaker on Sasha, but that doesn’t happen. #18 is none other than Natalya, who drops her entrance attire on Carmella. Carmella is unimpressed & yanks her off the apron. She enters the fray & kicks Ruby right in the jaw. Becky suplexes Carmella over, & Kelly Kelly comes out at #19. Natalya’s elimination attempt on her doesn’t work. Kelly & Michelle get reacquainted in the ring. Natalya dumps Michelle out! Good showing for Michelle McCool. Naomi brings the glow at #20. She introduces everybody to her backside. Becky starts suplexing everybody, which might not bode well for her future if I remember my Rumble history properly. Sure enough, Ruby Riott eliminates her after 31 minutes in the ring.
Jacqueline is #21 and I still wouldn’t mess with her. She & Natalya combine forces to try & eliminate Kelly, but she hangs in there. Nia Jax makes her entrance at #22 & there’s about to be some bad times. Jacqueline is tossed out. Kelly is next. Nattie gets broadsided. Ruby goes right at her & gets gorilla pressed onto the turnbuckle! She gone. Naomi goes right after her too and gets knocked onto a group of women on the floor. Naomi doesn’t touch the floor, but her spot on the barricade isn’t a great one. Ember Moon has a bad arm and comes out at #23. She tries against Nia, but tries is all she can manage. Naomi walks the barricade, gets Menounos out of her chair, scoots on over and gets back in the ring! She proceeds to get dumped over the top by Nia. #24 is the Glamazon Beth Phoenix! She faces off with Nia & this actually seems fair. Beth tries to lift her, but that’s not happening. She gets her up that time, but can’t get Nia out. Natalya re-enters to help out her Divas of Doom partner. They knock Nia through the second rope & hug, but one knows that’s not gonna last. Natalya fires the shot & dumps Beth out.
Asuka is #25 and everybody is in trouble. After some folks bite the dust. Asuka & Ember face off. Ember hits the Eclipse! That doesn’t last though, and Ember is Asuka’s first elimination. Mickie James comes out at #26 & takes shots at everybody. She has Natalya on the ropes, but Asuka breaks it up for reasons. Nikki Bella gets the #27 slot! Let’s see if it’s a lucky number for women too. The fans chant about John Cena sucking. Carmella goes after Nikki to continue that issue. Bad idea, as Nikki takes her out of the match. Brie Bella makes her comeback at #28! The Yes chants greet her. Brie Mode for everybody! Well, not Nikki. Yet, anyway. They double dropkick Nia back to the floor. Double suplex for Natalya. No more Bellas to come out, as Bayley is #29! She suplexes Natalya & Mickie. Asuka will not be suplexed. So, who will be #30?
It’s Trish Stratus! She certainly looks like she hasn’t lost a step. Double Stratusfaction for the Bellas! Rana off the top for Bayley! Trish & Mickie! They pick up right where they left off. Mickie gets knocked off the top by Trish, but here comes Nia to run Trish over! Everybody tries to gang up on Nia, but it’s not working. Kicks from Trish & Asuka, then the Bellas & everybody team up to eliminate her! Sasha dumps Bayley over the top rope! She’s been in for 51 minutes by the way. Trish & Natalya going at it, Natalya locks in the Sharpshooter! Trish gets out, then kicks Nattie out of the Rumble. We got the Bellas, Asuka, Trish & Sasha left. Sasha tells Trish she’s the boss, Trish seems to disagree, but it’s Trish that gets tossed out! Asuka is behind Sasha and that probably won’t end well. Sasha & the Bellas team up on Asuka for a minute. Sasha says she is ready for Asuka, but she wasn’t ready for the Bellas to eliminate her after 54:43!
The Bellas try to dump Asuka, but she’s having none of it. Asuka delivers her own Yes Kicks! Asuka tries to dump Brie but Brie’s hanging on by a thread. TKO to Asuka by Nikki, who then knocks Brie off the apron & eliminates her! Brie shouldn’t be surprised by that. Back & forth Nikki & Asuka go. Nikki gets Asuka over the top but not on the floor. Asuka gets her leg around Nikki’s neck, she pulls her over the top rope! They kick each other on the apron, and it’s Asuka’s kick that knocks Nikki off the apron!
Alexa & Charlotte enter the ring to see who Asuka would like to take on at WrestleMania. They raise their titles, but the Freaks & Geeks theme song plays & Ronda Rousey makes her entrance! She’s a little late for the Rumble match, but she still points at the WrestleMania sign! Asuka slaps her hand when the handshake is offered. Rousey shakes Stephanie’s hand & walks off. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN BY GAWD?
Well, it means that she’s signed with WWE. So there’s that.
Final Thought
This certainly wasn’t a show lacking for headlines. As with most Royal Rumble events, the other matches were basically afterthoughts. The men’s match was one of the better editions of the Rumble match & sets up the match all of us Internet nerds want to see for the WWE Championship. The women’s match was a solid first go for the ladies. Asuka winning was predictable (as was Nakamura in the men’s match), but sometimes you just have to go predictable because it makes the most sense. Putting Rousey out there after the match ended made more sense than having her go over in the Rumble in her very first match. The Bellas, Trish, Michelle & the other returning ladies did well.
Hey, we got two good Royal Rumble matches. Usually we get one.
For more of Steve Cook’s thoughts on pro wrestling, along with his thoughts on Nashville Predators hockey, follow him on Twitter!
