Dark Pegasus Video Review: Starrcade ’93: The 10th Anniversary

Starrcade ’93: 10th Anniversary by J.D. Dunn Twitter.com/jddunn411 Facebook.com/jddunn411 December 27, 1993 Live from Charlotte, N.C.. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura. The epic build begins right away as we see footage of Vader arriving and training. Vader seems amped. Ric Flair hasn’t even left his house yet, so Gene Okerlund catches up with him. Highly dramatic scene as Flair’s departure from his family is practically on the level of Leonidas in 300, almost as if he’s not coming back. It would have been pretty awesome if Beth said, “Come back with your shield… or on it.” Instead we get Flair’s youngest kid shouting, “Close the door, I’m freezing.” Opening Match: Pretty Wonderful (w/The Assassin) vs. 2 Cold Scorpio & Marcus Alexander Bagwell (w/Teddy Long). They hook it up before the bell, following up a Pearl Harbor job Pretty Wonderful did on Saturday Night’s Main Event. The babyfaces do lots of armbars and armdrags. Bagwell grabs a sleeper on Orndorff, but Roma jumps him behind the ref’s back. Scorpio gets the hot tag and cleans house, fighting off both guys and the Assassin. The Assassin loads up his mask, though, and headbutts Scorps during a flying headscissors. Orndorff falls on top for the pin at 11:40. Standard tag fare, nothing much to say about it but for the fact that Orndorff looked off. ** In the limo, Flair and Gene talk about the ramifications of a loss to Vader. Awesome Kong (w/King Kong) vs. The Shockmaster. Awesome Kong is not the woman futurely known as Kharma for anyone who might be confused. The Kongs attack Shockmaster and doubleteam him before the match. King Kong actually winds up wrestling the match for some reason. Shockmaster comes back with a flying crossbody and finishes with a bodyslam at 1:34. Horrible, even at ninety seconds. DUD Flair arrives at the arena, alleviating Jesse’s worry that he’d get in a car accident and not be able to wrestle. WCW TV Title: Lord Steven Regal (w/Sir William) vs. Ricky Steamboat. See, Regal is an aristocrat, and Tony constantly refers to him as an aristocrat, in much the same way Michael Cole refers to Randy Orton as “the viper,” and there’s this old vaudeville joke about… ah, nevermind. Tony segues from a story about the origins of Boxing Day to reminiscing about a Flair vs. Steamboat match back in 1984. Long stalling session by Steamboat of all people. This is pretty clearly going to a draw. Still, it’s pretty fun to watch them just exchanging holds. It’s like watching Drew Brees throw a spiral in practice, sure it’s meaningless, but I appreciate essentialization. Steamboat works the arm for quite a while as Jesse talks about a commercial he saw featuring a lizard walking on water. Yeah, that’s an impressive spot, but what’s the psychology behind running on water? They just don’t teach that these days. Gary Michael Capetta announces three minutes left, so Steamboat gets fired up. He chases Sir William around the ring, though, and runs right into a Regal sucker punch. Steamboat reverses a Butterfly Suplex to his own with a minute left. A heel doubleteam backfires, but Steamboat misses a flying crossbody as time expires at 15:00 (13:00 shown). This got a lot of bad press at the time for not living up to their previous matches, but it wasn’t so bad. The biggest problem was they telegraphed the draw early on, so it was all a bunch of sound and fury signifying nothing. There’s something to be said for sound and fury, though. **1/4 Jesse draws a comparison between Ric Flair and Michael Jordan to illustrate that retirement isn’t so bad… and, though he didn’t know it, permanent. Tex Slazenger & Shanghai Pierce vs. Cactus Jack & Maxx Payne. Dennis Knight and Mark Canterbury were not all that bad as a team. If they had come to the WWF as badasses instead of pig-fuckers, they probably would have a better reputation today. Tony notes that Tex Slazenger looks a lot like Cactus Jack, and in fact, Tex (as Mideon) would go on to play the fake Mankind at one point. Jack and Payne show some good teamwork, with Payne backdropping Jack onto Shanghai. It’s rare to see Jack go over the top… for offensive maneuvers anyway. Payne locks in the Paynekiller, but Shanghai makes the save. A heel doubleteam backfires, though, and Jack finishes Pierce with the Kobashi Driver at 7:50. * Holy shit! Weird Al Yankovic is here! Wait… no, this is Kyle Petty. He compares his dad’s retirement to Flair’s potential retirement. WCW U.S. Title, 2/3 Falls: Dustin Rhodes vs. Steve Austin (w/Col. Parker). First Fall: Dustin lost the title to Rick Rude under chicanerous circumstances and then beat Rude to regain the title. Rude had the last laugh, though, because he won the WCW Title… or the WCW International House of Pancakes Title, whichever. This is a very Stunning Steve match. He gets his ass kicked and then cheats like a bastard to come back. Dusting looks like a righteous ass-kicker, tossing Steve out into the audience. Austin used to take some hellacious bumps before the neck injury. The finish sees Col. Parker hop up on the apron, so Dustin has the bright idea of tossing Austin into the Colonel. Unfortunately, while Austin knocks Parker off the apron, he does so by tumbling over the top. That’s a DQ at 13:27. Second Fall: Dustin tosses Austin into the post during the rest period. The lights flicker as we start the second fall. Man, Dustin must have taken a page out of Magnum T.A.’s book because he’s on the warpath. It bites him in the ass, though, as he mounts Austin to pummel Austin’s cut and Austin simply scoops him up and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin, the second straight fall and the title at 16:16. Bizarre result, especially with the *heel* going over two straight. Usually, that’s reserved for the babyface after a long feud where the heel has been ducking him for months. The match is nothing special, but you could see something resembling good chemistry developing. **1/4 WCW International Heavyweight Title: Rick Rude vs. The Boss. Rude talks trash early, possibly about Boss Man‘s momma. Ray Traylor was still quite good at this point, and he gets over pretty easily by wrestling like a heel. Rude turtles quite a bit early before sucker-punching Boss to take over. Boss backdrops him, though, giving Rude the chance to work in his lower-back sell. Tony hypes a new commissioner who will be named in January. But until he’s named, Tony will just read telegrams from him to let everyone know what the commissioner’s edicts are. Boss hangs Rude on the ropes and smacks him around. Rude bites out of a bearhug, though, and avoids a splash on the ropes. That miss allows Rude to sunset flip the Boss for the pin at 9:08. I should note Jesse inadvertently calls Boss “Boss Man” during the replay. Then again, he calls 2 Cold Scorpio, the “cold man,” so he has a good defense. The match is the kind of main event you’d see on PrimeTime Wrestling, not on PPV. *1/4 WCW Tag Team Titles: The Nasty Boys (w/Missy Hyatte) vs. Sting & Road Warrior Hawk. Missy should probably not wear a see-through outfit with those ass-cheeks. Long-ass match that starts with the Nasty’s lumbering around to establish that they’re clumsy oafs while Sting is the hep, happenin’ Johnny that all the kittens want and all the cats want to be. These 30’s slang jokes doing anything for you? Yeah, already bored with the match. Hawk misses a charge and posts himself. Knobbs grabs a Fujiwara Armbar, which gives me time to ponder: What the actual fuck is up with Nick Patrick’s shoes? Sting gets the hot tag, and the faces clean house, so the Nasties bail out. The good guys track them down, but Sting winds up as face-in-peril. Knobbs ups the ante with AN ABDOMINAL FUCKING STRETCH! The crowd is on the edge of their seats, so Knobbs switches up to a rear chinlock… and another… and back to the abdominal stretch. Hawk gets the hot tag and cleans house. And on that day, not a single fuck was given. The faces hit the Doomsday Device, but Missy Hyatt jumps on Sting for the disqualification at 29:10. Yes, they put us through nearly half an hour for that finish. I’m not sure what was going on, but they looked like an improv group who were all given different instructions. “Uh, I need a color, an occupation and a finish.” 1/2* WCW World Title, Title vs. Career: Vader (w/Harley Race) vs. Ric Flair. Serendipity being what it is, Ric Flair returned to WCW in 1993, but didn’t make much of a mark on the title scene. He was just supposed to ride off into the sunset with a reasonable amount of dignity (as much as you can in 1993 WCW). And that was fifteen years ago! Thankfully, Sid Vicious tried to stab Arn Anderson with a pair of scissors and got fired. Not even George Costanza tried that one. So, Flair stepped in to give WCW a feel-good moment and, in effect, set up the company for a great run. Huge “Flair” chant from the hometown fans. The power of moral support isn’t much help early on, though, as Vader mangles Flair’s face with punches and tosses him around like a ragdoll. As if that’s not enough, Vader and Race keep talking trash to him. Even Flair’s chops have no effect. Flair takes it to the floor and gets in a few good licks before Harley Race jumps him. Back in, Vader takes over again. Flair, my forearm. My forearm, Ric Flair. Why don’t you two get acquainted? Flair avoids a splash and comes off the top with a Statue of Liberty fist. A second one misses, but Vader sells it. That looked bad. Flair finally knocks him down, but Vader is right back up. He takes Flair down and goes to work on his leg. What a dick! Let me describe – Vader elbowdrop, Flair: “AAAAARHHH! AAHHHH, GOD!” Flair finally sucks it up and goes nuts on Vader with chops and punches, turning the big guy into jelly. He wraps Vader’s leg around the post and hits it with Jesse’s chair. Now Vader is on the run! Flair bites him and clips his leg. FIGURE-FOUR! Race is apoplectic and dysphoric. Vader makes the ropes, though. Vader knocks Flair down and goes for the moonsault. NO WATER IN THE POOL! Flair covers. ONE, TWO, TH-Vader kicks out just as Race tries to break up the cover, and Race accidentally lands on Vader. Whoops! Flair pelts Vader’s chest with chops but runs right into an avalanche. He resourcefully clips Vader’s leg, though, and rolls him up for the pin at 21:08. Flair regains his title in front of his hometown fans. Although there were a few small flaws that detracted from the match (the missed ax-handle and the finish), this match gets by on pure emotion and storytelling. Some may argue that the match is too one-sided for Vader, but in this instance, it all goes toward telling a story. Vader is made to look unbeatable. Not just in the clichéd sense, but literally unbeatable, as in “I’m using my imagination to find a way that Ric Flair can win this match, and I can’t think of anything outside of him drawing a gun and shooting Vader in the face… and even that would probably just piss him off.” Flair had that “Dark Night of the Soul” moment before finding himself and coming back as Ric “F***ing” Flair! A great way to end a bad year for WCW. ****1/4

The 411: A great ending nearly saves the show, but not quite. This was like a microcosm of 1993, with the entire roster stinking up the joint but here come Flair and Vader to save the day. Thank God for WWE Home Video for plucking the diamond that is Vader vs. Flair out of this crap that has the balls to call itself a PPV. Thumbs down (even with the main event).
Final Score:  4.5   [ Poor ]