Dark Pegasus Video Review: Unforgiven 2003

Unforgiven 2003 by J.D. Dunn Seriously.. how come racial slurs aren’t cool… gay jokes aren’t cool, but burning up rednecks is fine? Double standard much? Not that the Redneck Triathalon wasn’t total garbage.. just sayin. Redneckery is a lifestyle choice, much like Wahabiism or being a vegan. Lifestyle choices are open season. Making fun of someone because of their race or sexuality is unfair because you can’t really make accurate generalities about races or gays. Even a queer Chinaman knows that. September 21, 2003 Live from Hershey, Pa. Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. Opening Match, World Tag Title Handicap Table Match: La Resistance & Rob Conway vs. The Dudley Boyz. We see clips of La Resistance nearly killing Spike Dudley with a botched slam from the ring through a table on the floor. The problem was that Spike’s head barely grazed the table, and he just splatted on the floor. That turns this into a handicap match. Conway actually had the balls to defend the French, so he’s evil. He immediately outclasses either of his tag partners. The Dudz work in all their trademark moves, but La Res whips D-Von through a table in the corner. That leaves Bubba alone in a 3-on-1… only not, because D-Von can still help. Bubba reverses a suplex and sends Sylvan through a table. Conway and Dupree try to backdrop Bubba through a table, but D-Von pulls it away. Bubba and D-Von team up to chokeslam Conway through a table. See, the WWE learned from their mistakes and put a SECOND table on the floor. Dupree double clotheslines them, but D-Von reverses an Irish Whip, and the 3D finishes Dupree at 10:18. The Dudleyz win their 17th tag titles. No wonder they’ve gotten stale. The match was about average – just a lot of guys going through tables. If you like that, then this is the match for you. ** Recap of the Stacy Keibler/Test/Scott Steiner love triangle. It actually makes the feud look much more interesting than it actually was. Test vs. Scott Steiner. If Test wins, Steiner becomes his property. Stacy Keibleris at ringside. Jean skirt tonight for Stacy. Test attacks while Stacy is getting out of the ring. He goes for a Thesz Press – which he only does when wrestling Scott Steiner – and gets T-boned. Test and Steiner trade power moves. No one cares, so Stacy tries to get them in it by pounding on the mat. Test uses every cheap heat tactic you can think of, short of joining La Resistance. Steiner gives him a Butterfly Bomb for two, but Test scoops him up and puts his feet on the ropes. Stacy shoves Test’s feet off the ropes, though. Test hits the pump-handle slam and readies for the big boot, but Stacy climbs up on the apron and shows her ass. Test chases her around the ring, but she runs into Steiner. Scott is so shocked that Test is able to boot him in the face. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Test undoes the turnbuckle pad and brings in a chair while the ref is reattaching it. Stacy steals the chair away and swings, but it takes out Scott Steiner. The big boot finishes Steiner at 6:56. This was just about their best match, which isn’t saying much. When Test has to carry the action, you know you have problems. At least it didn’t have Steiner whiffing on a dive off the apron. ** Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton (w/Ric Flair). Randy helped Ric Flair defeat Shawn Michaels at Badd Blood and then threw Mick Foley down the stairs at MSG. Randy’s a dick. You’re a dick, Randy! Shawn outwrestles and flusters Orton early. Randy actually skins the cat and hits Shawn with a dropkick. Shawn catches him coming off the top and hits an atomic drop. He clotheslines Orton over the top and hits a flying crossbody off the top rope. Back in, Michaels tries to suplex Orton in, but Randy reverses and goes for a German Suplex. Shawn reverses *that* to his own German Suplex, though. How very Stampede of him. They slug it out, and Shawn posts himself on a missed corner charge. That allows Flair to get involved by posting him again. Randy goes to work on the arm with a scissored armbreaker and a hammerlock. Shawn works his way out of a wristlock and gets a few rollups for nearfalls. Orton misses a dropkick, and they slug it out. Flair gets on the apron and gets slugged off by Shawn. Shawn goes up, knocks Flair off again, and hits a double ax-handle for two. Shawn takes the Shawn flip into the corner. Orton comes off the top… right into a boot from Shawn. Shawn tunes up the band, but Orton blocks Sweet Chin Music and spins him around into the RKO! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Orton was slow to cover. Orton misses a flying crossbody, so Shawn goes up. Flair tries to stop him and gets knocked down AGAIN! Shawn drops the elbow and gets two. Shawn tunes up the band again. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! ONE, TWO, THREE! Oh, but Flair puts Orton’s foot on the ropes after the count. Earl Hebner decides that he must have missed Orton’s foot on the rope, so he restarts the match. Shawn suplexes Orton back in, but Orton uses brass knuckles to punch Shawn in the face. Orton lands on top and picks up the win at 19:20. Probably Randy’s best match to that point, not surprisingly. He was actually more technically sound at that point, but he’s taken a leap in ring presence. This is the match where people said, “Yeah, okay. He’s carryable. That’s a start.” ***1/2 In the back, Chris Jericho looks over the damage done to La Resistance and proclaims Steve Austin to be drunk on power. Trish Stratus & Lita vs. Molly Holly & Gail Kim. This is Lita’s big return after her broken neck. This is also Gail’s PPV debut. The faces team up for Poetry in Motion. Lita hits a few armdrags and a suplex. Trish tags in and dominates until Molly yanks down the ropes, spilling her to the floor. Gail applies a Dragon Sleeper, but Trish walks up the ropes to counter. Molly cuts off the tag, though. Trish powers to her corner, but Gail has the ref distracted. Lita somehow got a busted lip out of the exchange. Printhipal Thkinner, I need thum thyoos. Gail misses a legdrop, allowing Lita to get the hot tag. Headscissors to Molly. Powerbomb to Gail. Molly goes up for the Molly-Go-Round, but Trish hits the Stratusphere. Lita nails Molly with the Fist of Twat and finishes with the Litasault at 6:47. Lita looked a little rusty with the execution on some of those moves, but then it was often hard to tell with her. Tag formula was okay, though. ** Recap of Kane unmasking and going on a reign of terror. He even set Jim Ross on fire, which was actually not part of his reign of terror but his reign of hilarity because they dubbed in Ross’ screams of pain, making the segment laughably awful. Kane eventually went after Linda, prompting Shane (aw, are you protectin’ your mommy?) McMahon to get involved. Kane would make him pay by electrocuting Shane’s nuts. Last Man Standing: Kane vs. Shane McMahon. Shane attacks with a chair during Kane’s entrance. Kane sits up at five, so Shane waffles him again. Kane gets up at six, so Shane nails him in the knee. To the floor, Shane comes off the barricade but gets powerslammed. Kane smashes Shane’s head in with the steps. Back in, Kane chokeslams him, but Shane uses Charles Robinson to pull himself up. Kane tries to boot Shane but wipes out the ref. He doesn’t care, though, because, hey, destruction is destruction. Shane blocks a Tombstone on the steps and dropkicks them into Kane’s face. He sets up the steps against Kane in the corner and goes coast to coast with a dropkick. AND THOSE STEPS ARE NOT MADE OF HERSHEY’S CHOCOLATE! Way to work in a local industry plug, Jim Ross. No ref, though. They brawl all the way down the aisle, and Shane pummels Kane’s ribs. Kane finally starts tossing Shane into the set and javelins him into the Spanish announce table (which is up by the entrance during this period). Shane appears to be out, so Kane tips the entire Spanish announce table over on him. Oh, but Shane apparently moved out of the way because he jumps Kane from behind with a piece of plywood. Shane swings the boom camera into Kane’s face and wraps a mic cord around his throat. Shane climbs up to the top of the scaffold that supports the entrance structure. He comes off with a senton, but Kane moves out of the way, and Shane goes through the particle board platform. Kane staggers to his feet, but Shane gets counted down at 19:52. This was like the final twenty minutes of a Friday the 13th movie only instead of a tomboyish chick, it was Shane McMahon as “the final girl.” It was entertaining in a car crash sort of way. Kind of counterproductive to build Kane up as a monster only to have his big blowoff be with Shane McMahon and then get jobbed out to the Undertaker again. Ross and Lawler talk about Shane’s fall in reverent tones, but he’s fallen farther and harder. Eventually, you can’t get any more extreme and have to find new ways to entertain people. **3/4 In the office, Chris Jericho blames Steve Austin for Shane’s condition and La Resistance’s injuries. Jericho promises to make Austin’s life hell. Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam. Christian knocked Jericho and RVD out during their #1 contenders match, hoping not to face either of them. Instead, Austin made him face both guys. Jericho and Christian team up against Van Dam. The fans are in “stunned silence,” according to JR. Van Dam comes back with a double dropkick and wipes both guys out with a moonsault block off the top. RVD tosses Christian back in and monkey flips him. Jericho comes off the top with a crossbody, though. Van Dam ducks the flying forearm and moonsaults Jericho all in one motion. Cool. The numbers catch up with Van Dam, though, and they doubleteam him again. They botch something where Van Dam tries to flip over Jericho but lands on his head. Nice to see the Jamaican shit got smuggled in. They repeat the spot (d’oh!) only with Van Dam just stepping out of the way instead of flipping. He kicks Christian to the floor and hits a somersault plancha off an Irish Whip from Jericho. Back in, Jericho blocks a huracanrana and reverses to the Walls of Jericho. Christian saves and gets VIOLENT with Jericho on the outside. Back in, Christian hits a reverse DDT and gets two with his feet on the ropes. Jericho takes him up top and hits the SUPERPLEX! Van Dam gets two on Christian and then two on Jericho off a crossbody. The Lionsault misses, and Jericho eats a spinning kick. Christian tries to save with a flying elbowdrop, but Van Dam moves! Christian charges, but Van Dam drop toeholds him into a 69 on Jericho. Well, actually he didn’t quite land right, and you can see him moving his crotch over into Jericho’s face. That’s dedication! The Five-Star Frogslash hits both guys, but Van Dam is too hurt from it to cover. They work in a TOWER OF DOOM spot with Christian powerbomb Van Dam and Van Dam dropping Jericho with the Electric Chair. Christian eats a spinning wheel kick and grabs the IC Title. Van Dam sees him coming, catapults Christian into Jericho and schoolboys him! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Van Dam gives him another spin kick and goes up. Jericho interferes with a chair just long enough for Christian to grab the belt and shield himself from the Five-Star Frogsplash. Van Dam is out, so Christian rolls him up for the win at 19:04. This is one of those matches that was perfectly fine from an execution standpoint, but there was just something missing – like someone who has given the same speech so many times that they sleepwalk through it. **1/2 Triple H tells us a story of a dragon-slayer who one night slayed the dragon but woke up the next morning in the real world and got his ass kicked because there are no fairy tales. Man, I thought Disney bastardized the classics. Recap of ESPN’s Jonathan Coachman turning heel and joining the Bischoff regime. Al Snow, his Heat compatriot joined him, setting up… Jonathan Coachman & Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler & Jim Ross. Winners get to be Raw commentators. Yes, they booked a feud between Coachman and Ross. Is there any wonder there was a niche for small promotions like TNA and ROH? No commentary for this, which is a horrible decision because you can hear the awkward rumblings from the crowd. Thankfully, Coach and Ross don’t do much. It’s all Snow until Ross screams, “King he’s gonna backdrop ya!” and Lawler is able to use that helpful advice to counter to a piledriver. Snow gets his foot on the ropes, though. Coach tags himself in over Snow’s objections. His broncobuster misses, and DOWN COMES THE STRAP! He drops a fist between Coach’s eyes and gets two before Al saves. Fans chant for JR. Yeah, the fans are morons because JR finally gets in and “wrestles.” I don’t know what’s sadder, JR waddling around the ring or Al Snow taking a bump over the top rope off his “clothesline.” Ross mounts Coachman and starts to pummel him like Vader would if Vader was the fifth Golden Girl. YOU BROKE HIS NOSE, ANGUS! Chris Jericho runs in and dropkicks Ross in the back of the head. The ref is distracted by Lawler and Snow, though. Hey, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to watch Ross and Coach either. Jericho rolls Coach on top, and the heels get the win at 8:17. Ross squats down and bawls like a fat kid who dropped his Dilly Bar on the floor. HE IS STRAIGHT UP BAWLINNNNNN! As you probably already know, Coach and Snow’s stint did not last long. 1/4* When asked why he would do such a thing, Chris Jericho’s response is basically “I don’t know. The bookers haven’t told me yet.” After the match, Ross gives a heartfelt explanation of the main event and apologizes for losing. He promises to call his final match like a champ. See, now *this* is what Ross does. Just let him do that. World Heavyweight Title: Triple H vs. Goldberg. If Goldberg doesn’t win, he’s out of the WWE. Gee, why didn’t they just have HHH change the nameplate on the belt before he came out? Goldberg gets his press powerslam early and counters HHH’s suplex with a spinning neckbreaker. HHH blocks the spear with a kneelift. Hunter clips Goldberg’s knee and goes to work on the legs. He locks in the figure-four and grabs the ropes. Interestingly, if you listen to Ross, he spends more time putting over Triple H than babyface Goldberg. Hunter drops a Flairlike knee between the eyes, but Goldberg catches another try and kicks him in the chest. He powerslams Hunter and whips him to the floor. Hunter staggers around and gets whipped into the steps. Back in, Hunter shoves Goldberg into the ref, bumping him (because it’s a Triple H match). That allows HHH to hit a low blow. Goldberg no-sells and tosses Hunter over the top. Hunter grabs his trusty sledgehammer and jabs Billy with it. Back in again, Goldberg no-sells again and hits the spear. That leads to a Jackhammer just as the ref recovers. Goldberg gets the win and the title at 14:57. HHH tried his best to drag Goldberg to a decent match in the same formula that Flair did with Lex Luger and Nikita Koloff. Unfortunately, while he had the know-how, he was just too limited physically at this point, and Goldberg couldn’t even work a match as well as Luger could. HHH spent the middle portion of the match working the leg, but Goldberg forgot about that and seemed to be selling some sort of an arm injury. But then he forgot about *that* and just rushed through to the finish. Awkward and sluggish, and it’s no wonder why Goldberg didn’t last in the WWE. **

The 411:  Lots of averageness here, which does not make for a good PPV. Shawn versus Randy is good, though, and worth a look just to see how Randy has changed from a guy with good fundamentals to a strong overall heel. Kane versus Shane was okay too, but we've seen that same match over and over again from Shane against guys like the Big Show and Steve Blackman. Nothing to get excited about unless you're a REALLY big Bill Goldberg fan. Thumbs down here.

Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]