Dark Pegasus Video Review: WrestleMania VII Take Two

WrestleMania VII by J.D. Dunn This is the infamous “bomb scare” show that was moved from the L.A. Coliseum to the smaller L.A. Memorial Sports Arena at the last minute. I’m not sure exactly how that would help because the Sports Arena is, for all intents and purposes, just on the other side of the street. If someone was that intent on blowing people up, I doubt they’d be deterred by the “Don’t Walk” light. I believe there actually was a bomb scare – they were scared the show would bomb if 17,000 people showed up to an 80,000-seat venue. Actually, I think they probably really did receive a bomb threat, given that I receive a handful of death threats every month just for making jokes about John Cena. I just don’t think it was a “credible threat.” March 24, 1991 Live from Los Angeles, Cali. Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon and a gaggle of revolving co-hosts. Opening Match: The Rockers vs. The Barbarian & Haku (w/Bobby Heenan). Okay, I have to say that I don’t get the Barbarian’s gimmick. He’s from Tonga, but he dresses like he’s marching through the Himalayas? I don’t personally know anyone from Tonga, but if there are any Tongans out there who dress like that or know someone who dresses like that let me know. Then again, if there’s anyone who was around the WWE at the time and wants to drop me a line on how they thought they’d make money by making a monster heel look like an antelope, feel free to do that too. At any rate, he and Haku give the Rockers a good match here. The Rockers had stalled out, hitting their heads on the glass ceiling that resided just below the feet of the Legion of Doom. The Rockers start out hot with Marty hitting a huracanrana on Barbarian. He tries it again, but Barbie drops him on the top rope with an Alley Oop. Janetty plays face-in-peril after that. Barbarian grabs a bearhug for a while and then powerslams Marty for two. Marty rolls out of the way of the diving headbutt and gets the HOT TAG TO SHAWN! Shawn takes on both guys and sunset flips Haku (with an assist from Marty). The double dropkick sends Barbarian to the outside, allowing Marty to hit the missile dropkick on Haku. Shawn finishes with the crossbody at 10:33. Surprisingly good match. For whatever reason, the Barbarian really picked up his game in the Spring of ’91, and Haku was always good when he had another good worker in there. ***1/2 Gene Okerlund interviews a gaggle of B-List celebrities, including Marla Maples-Trump, then-wife of future McMahon rival, Donald Trump. The Texas Tornado vs. Dino Bravo (w/Jimmy Hart). This was near the end of the line for both guys in the WWF and, as it would turn out, in life. Bravo fights off the Iron Claw and atomic drops Tornado. An elbowdrop gets two. Bravo hits a side slam, which used to be his finisher, but it only gets two. Tornado kicks out and grabs him in the Iron Claw. Dino makes the ropes, so Tornado finishes him with the Discus Punch at 3:13. Typical squash on the Bermuda Triangle spot of the card. 1/4* Warlord (w/Slick) vs. Davey Boy Smith. Oy. If ever there were a match that tipped off investigators to steroid abuse in wrestling, *this* would be it. They trade shoulderblocks, of course, because that’s what you do when you do a power match. Bulldog tries a crucifix, but Warlord counters to a Samoan Drop. Warlord slows him down with a bearhug and gives Davey a hotshot. They trade forearms, and Warlord gets a T-Bone suplex. Warlord backdrops out of a piledriver attempt and applies the Full Nelson. DBS powers out and delivers a powerslam for the win at 8:15. Too long for a power match. 3/4* WWF Tag Team Titles: The Hart Foundation vs. The Nasty Boys (w/Jimmy Hart). Neidhart’s pink beret makes him look like he’s just coming back from surgery at a gay hospital. Saggs cheapshots Bret right off the bat, and the Nasties take over early. Knobbs calls out Anvil for a scrum, a melee, a fracas, if you will. Bret comes back in and gets cheapshot again. You know, they’re called “the Nasty Boys” for a reason. That’s what you get for not stayin’ frosty, Hitman. Bret powers out of a chinlock, and they work in the false tag spot. The Nasties’ cheating backfires, and Bret is able to make the real hot tag. The Nasties run into one another, and the Harts hit the Hart Attack. The ref is too busy getting Bret out of the ring to count, though, so the Nasties hit Neidhart with the megaphone and pick up the win and the titles at 12:11. I was never the Nasties biggest fan, but having Jimmy Hart with them just dulls any edge they might once have had. The Hart Foundation would dissolve immediately after this, and Bret would pursue his singles career. Neidhart was stuck with that little runt Owen. What? I said “runt.” **1/2 Blindfold Match: Jake Roberts vs. Rick Martel. Seeing the James Storm vs. Chris Harris match at Lockdown 2007 just illustrates that this match is not as bad as many make it out to be. For one thing, it has a logical, if silly, setup. See, Martel sprayed his noxious perfume “Arrogance” in Jake’s eyes, and it blinded him for several months. Now, they’ll be on even footing. They don’t do much worth recapping because most of the match is trying to find your opponent with the help of the fans. Jake is a master storyteller, though, so he comes up with a trick to make the match interesting. He claps his hands to make Martel think he’s in one place and then quickly moves around behind Martel while he’s trying to find him. Martel happens on Damien and freaks out. They collide and fall to the floor where Martel misses a chairshot. Back in, Martel applies the Boston Crab, but Jake forces out of it. The DDT gets the win at 8:33. See, this is a prime example of storytelling and psychology getting over, and shows that you don’t have to overwork yourselves to get a reaction. **1/2 Retirement Match: Randy Savage (w/Queen Sherri) vs. The Ultimate Warrior. Bobby Heenan notices Miss Elizabeth sitting out in the crowd. I guess she doesn’t have the connections that Red Hat Guy does because she’s way in the back. Sherri distracts Warrior early, allowing Savage to blindside him. Warrior shrugs him off and destroys him with atomic drops and a chokelift. Sherri runs in, so Warrior tosses Savage into her. Savage gets tied in the ropes and takes a few shots. Warrior press slams him and then just sets him down and slaps him in the face. Finally, Warrior misses a charge and goes over the top. Sherri gets in a few cheapshots, and Savage comes off the top with a double ax-handle. Sherri gets in a few more shots, so Warrior shoves her down. Back in, Warrior misses a flying shoulderblock and goes facefirst into the mat. Warrior counters a slam to a small package, which exhausts his moveset, and right when the ref is distracted by Sherri too. Savage knees the Warrior into referee Earl Hebner. Sherri and Savage try a doubleteam, but Sherri takes out her own man! Oops. Great reaction from Sherri there. The Warrior chases her around the ring but gets schoolboyed for two as the ref recovers. Savage hotshots him and snaps his throat on the top rope. FLYING ELBOWDROP! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! Warrior should be dead at this point, but HE KICKS OUT! Savage can’t believe it. Warrior “fokes” (as he likes to call it) and hits a few clotheslines. PRESS SLAM! SPLASH! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Now, Savage kicks out! The crowd is going nuts. Warrior asks his hands what the deal is and gets some advice from the Almighty – you know, Herb, the guy who arranges the lights up at the top of the arena. Savage jumps Warrior from behind, interrupting the rapture. Sherri holds Warrior’s throat over the railing, and Savage comes off for a double ax-handle, but Warrior shoves her back. Savage’s chin bounces right off the metal railing. Well, that’s no good. Back in, Warrior sends Savage flying out of the ring with a shoulderblock. He tosses him back in and knocks him right back out again with a flying shoulderblock. And another. Savage is legally dead, so Warrior drags him back in and pins him with a boot to the chest at 20:47. I’d rank this up there with Hart-Piper and Hart-Austin as the best-booked matches in WrestleMania history. Ironically, Savage would be competing for the title at next year’s show, and Warrior would be begging for his job back. ****1/2 After the match, Sherri realizes that her meal ticket is gone and lays into Savage for being such a loser. She kicks him while he’s down and berates him verbally. After all, how could he do this to *her?* The sight of all of this forces Elizabeth to get physically involved for the first time. She hops the rail and tosses Sherri out of the ring. Savage finally recovers and thinks Elizabeth was the one who was kicking him until he spots a shrieking Sherri being dragged away by WWF officials. Liz offers a reconciliation and asks him what it’s going to be. After a long moment of tense soul-searching (and the crowd screaming for reunification), a tearful Savage picks Liz up in a hug. And a bigger markout moment you will NEVER find! Liz offers to hold open the ropes, but Savage stops her and holds open the ropes for her. From now on, it will all be about Liz for once. I’ll leave out the cynical, real-life recap and just bask in great storytelling. This is, quite simply, one of the great moments in wrestling history. Writer’s Note: It’s odd how things work out. On the very day I logged on to post this, I found out that “Sensational” Sherri Martel (Russell) had died. By all accounts, she was kind of an old-school male wrestler in a females body, and she behaved with class and dignity off-screen if not on. She will be missed. Demolition (w/Mr. Fuji) vs. Genichiro Tenryu & Koji Kitao. This was part of Vince’s alliance with SWS, a promotion that produced a lot of fun for the Japanese media thanks to their controversial penchant for throwing around money. Unfortunately, it was doomed to fail as it hit its peak right when the Japanese economy went in the tank. You might have seen Kitao in the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie The Quest, but given the box office receipts for that movie, you probably didn’t. Neither of the SWS guys are really over here, but they get some mild heat from Demolition being heels. Kitao plays face-in-peril throughout the match before blocking a charge with a clothesline. Tenryu cleans house but takes a backbreaker from Crush. Kitao has to break up the Demolition Decapitation, which distracts Smash long enough for Tenryu to hit the enzuigiri and finish with the stacked powerbomb at 4:43. This would be the last gasp for Demolition, as they would be repackaged as the Repo Man (Smash) and the Kona Crush (Crush). Demolition Ax (Bill Eadie) would revive the gimmick as “Axis the Demolisher” on the indy circuit before the WWF lawyers got involved. The gimmick would be a bone of legal contention for several years before the WWF won out in 2000. 1/2* Intercontinental Championship: Mr. Perfect (w/Bobby Heenan) vs. The Big Bossman. Bossman is tearing through the Heenan Family thanks to mean-spirited comments made about Bossman’s mama by Heenan. Funny how family didn’t mean quite as much when he dragged that casket around with the Big Show blubbering all over it. Perfect doesn’t help his cause by slapping Bossman early. Perfect goes hard into the corner, and Bossman takes off his belt. Thankfully, it’s just with the intention of whipping Perfect. Perfect takes it away and uses it on the Bossman. An abdominal stretch kills some time, and Perfect goes for the Perfectplex. Bossman reverses to a small package, but Perfect stays on top with the necksnap. Bossman fires back, but Heenan distracts him long enough for Perfect to jump him from behind. Finally, Andre the Giant walks down to make sure Heenan doesn’t interfere anymore. He grabs the title belt and knocks Perfect silly with it, but that draws out Haku and the Barbarian to save the title by attacking the Bossman. Bossman gets a DQ win at 10:45 but not the title. Andre and Bossman stave off any more attacks. Perfect did a good job of making it look like he could hang with the Bossman in a physical fight. **3/4 The Earthquake (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Greg Valentine. Valentine was just killing time before going where all people who should be retired go – WCW. Earthquake powerslams Valentine early, but Greg avoids an avalanche. He gets in a few elbows and knocks Quake down before going through with the Herculean task of trying to apply the figure-four. Didn’t he see what happened to Hercules the year before?! Jimmy Hart distracts Valentine long enough for Quake to recover and squash Valentine with the Earthquake splash at 3:14. I liked that Valentine wanted to go after the legs, but it was just a squash to give both guys something to do. 3/4* The Legion of Doom vs. Power & Glory (w/Slick). This is a metaphor if ever there was one. Power & Glory were supposed to get a big heel run, but fate intervened with a broken ring rope and the arrival of the LOD. At this point, P&G are irrelevant. LOD finishes with the Doomsday Device at 0:58. 1/4* Recap of Virgil exercising his independence from Ted Dibiase. Ted Dibiase vs. Virgil (w/Roddy Piper). Piper and Virgil got chummy after Piper suggested that Virgil might want to try bettering himself by being the valet for a better class of rich asshole. Virgil fires off a few jabs and shows off his boxing skills. Dibiase bails, and they repeat the sequence a few more times. Finally, Ted takes him down and rubs his face in the mat. A piledriver gets two. A gutwrench gets two more, and Dibiase tosses Virgil to the floor. Piper tries to help Virgil to his feet, so Dibiase hops out and shoves Piper down. WE HAVE A PIPER DOON! Back in, a powerslam gets two for Dibiase. Piper struggles back to his feet and yanks down the ropes. Dibiase tumbles over the top and argues with Piper about it until he gets counted out a 7:36. Sensational Sherri, apparently willing to downgrade from power to money, runs out and attacks Piper. The heels lay the boots (or slippers) until Virgil chases them off. Oddly enough, this would just be the start of the feud as the real climax would come not at WrestleMania but at Summerslam before Virgil receded into the background as a jobber to the stars. The Summerslam match is much better. * Sgt. Slaughter burns a Hulk Hogan T-Shirt in lieu of the flag. The Mountie (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Tito Santana. It must be one of those French Canadian things where they get lazy right as they’re getting their singles push. It happened with Martel — who wasted marvelous potential, Jacques Rougeau —who never amounted to more than a fluke IC Title reign, and Rene Dupree — who has yet to live up to his physical potential. Anyhoo, Tito gets the flying forearm early, but Mountie is in the ropes. Jimmy Hart tosses the cattle prod in to the Mountie and distracts the ref. Mountie shocks Tito and earns his per diem money at 1:21. 1/4* WWF Heavyweight Title: Sgt. Slaughter (w/General Adnan) vs. Hulk Hogan. You would think this would be the big blowoff for the “evil American turncoat” angle, what with the original war having ended months earlier. Hell, at this point, Saddam was already figuring ways out around UN resolutions. For some reason, though, the angle would continue through the summer before Slaughter realized that he, in fact, did love his country. How does that work exactly? I mean, it’s a big decision for a former Marine to go against his country in the first place. Anyway, this is supposed to be some sort of a metaphor for the American spirit conquering all, but if they really wanted to have an accurate metaphor, Hogan should have gone over here, trounced Slaughter in a rematch and been stuck refereeing a match between General Adnan and the Iron Sheik for the next several years. Anyway, this is Hogan formula to a tee. Hogan kicks ass for a while, destroying everything in his path. He goes up top, though, and Slaughter slams him off. Slaughter works the back in anticipation of the Camel Clutch. Hogan makes the ropes off a Boston Crab, but Slaughter hits him with a wussy chairshot and locks in the Camel Clutch. Hogan powers out but gets rammed into the turnbuckle. Slaughter covers Hogan with the Iraqi flag, which doesn’t get nearly as much heat as when Bill Watts and Eddie Gilbert did it years earlier. Hogan hulks up and shreds the flag. Big boot. Legdrop. Hogan reclaims the title for a third reign at 20:24. As I said, Slaughter would regain his faith in the good ol’ U.S. of A. and become a JTTS, which, in my opinion, was one of the things that derailed the gravy train because it just confirmed to everyone that the whole thing is arranged in advance and took much of the spontaneity away from it. It was right around this time that a lot of fans (like myself) stopped looking at wrestling as “Wow, wouldn’t it be great if *this* guy fought *that* guy?!” and started looking at it as “Okay, [random new guy] is going to beat Koko B. Ware, then Tito Santana and face Tugboat on PPV and then he’ll get beat by Hogan before becoming a good guy.” **1/4

The 411: The PPV isn't half bad, despite lacking star power and having the stink of early 1990s WWF on it. Vince & Co. put their faith in the angle (the war) being able to push the superstar (Sgt. Slaughter) as legitimate instead of building up a more believable heel. I mean, really, are you gonna buy the guy from G.I. Joe as a heel? Fortunately for the WWF, the NWA/WCW couldn't get their heads out of their collective ass enough to capitalize on the down creative period, and in fact, the WWF would get a bit of a dividend later in the year. I'll give you a hint: WOOOOOOO! Solid recommendation.

Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]