Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Armageddon 2005

• DVD Packaging: An extreme close up of Batista screaming. Simple enough.

• DVD Presentation: Background is just black. We did the Armageddon text artwork with Batista’s eyes above it but it fades out to a video package that covers just the Orton-Undertaker HIAC feud. I like the design. The background music is the WWE’s knockoff version of The Door’s “The End.”

• Relevant Storylines: JBL is injured but is competing for all his fans. Batista took sexual favors from Melina. The Mexicools want sexual favors from Melina. Sharmell does not want Booker T to receive sexual favors from Krystal. Black Lesnar continues his roll through the midcard. Randy Orton is not afraid of The Undertaker.

• Scheduled Card:
1. JBL vs. Matt Hardy.
2. MNM vs. The Mexicools (Super Crazy and Psicosis).
3. Match 4 in the Best of 7 Series for the WWE United States Championship: Booker T vs. Chris Benoit.
4. 2-on-1 Handicap Match: Paul Burchill and William Regal vs. Bobby Lashley.
5. Cruiserweight Championship: Kid Kash vs. Juventud Guerrera (c).
6. Champions vs. Champions: The Big Show and Kane vs. Rey Mysterio and Batista.
7. Hell in a Cell Match: Randy Orton vs. Undertaker.

• Also here the entire video package is on Orton-UT. It has the typical supernatural sincerity that only works with Kane or Undertaker but with any other wrestler would probably drift over into parody and absurdity. And it even does sometimes with those two. There’s also a clip of UT doing the Ultimate Warrior mirror illusion.

• JBL vs. Matt Hardy. JBL has Jillian Hall and her facial deformity accompanying him to the ring. What a shit angle that was. We get fucking great footage of JBL cutting off Matt Hardy while doing a promo despite his “injury” and dropping him which in typical Cole fashion is a “cheap shot.” According to Michael Cole, every time a face gets laid out from front, behind, sideways, above, below, with the numbers advantage, without the numbers advantage, and even when the attacker is injured, it’s always a cheap shot. That clip was good though. JBL cuts his typical promo before the match: he’s on Fox news, he’s a billionaire, the internet sucks, etc. The highlight was him gaffing and calling his opponent Matt Hardly which I don’t think is very far off these days. Hardly’s music plays and he jumps JBL from behind and dumps him to start. Back in, JBL cuts him off and tries to dump him but it’s the ever dangerous hangman’s spot that cost Foley his ear. JBL works him over with some crucial Batista kicks and some shots before the ref releases Hardy. At this point, JBL steals Hardy’s taunt to massive boos. I love it. JBL with a short arm clothesline as Hardy gives him the corpse sell, due to loss of oxygen. Back in, Hardy tries to fight back but now he’s selling disorientation due to the Batista kicks and JBL drops about six elbows in a row. Hardy comes back with a DDT that gets 2. JBL goes back to work with kicks and shots to the head. Up top, Hardy fights back and gets a moonsault for 2. JBL gives him a thumb to the eye like a dick. Then he uncovers the turnbuckle while Hardy throws some shitty punches. JBL whips him into the turnbuckle and comes in with a clothesline and off the ropes with the Clothesline from Hell and before he pins makes sure to give an emphatic middle finger to a certain section of the crowd. That gets the 3 at 6:43. ***. Nothing special but solid psychology, selling, and heel work. JBL is truly a great bastard.

• We get the first of many HIAC highlights called Last Rites. The first one is Foley going for a ride off the cell twice in 98. I’m not so sure I’d take advice from Terry Funk anymore.

• MNM vs. The Mexicools (Super Crazy and Psicosis). The chinchilla coats with the scrolling tickers are badass. This is two days after MNM lost the titles to Batista/Mysterio even after Melina tried to get Batista to call off the match by offering him sexual favorings. This resulted in one of the worst Smackdowns ever and one of the worst segments ever where Melina cut what felt like a thirty minute promo/press conference claiming rape. Psicosis and Mercury start off. They trade arm wringers and reversals until Mercury tags in Nitro. Psiocosis with a few arm drags and Nitro sensing he’s outmatched tags Mercury back in. Mercury tags Nitro back in. Uh oh. They strategize and Nitro decides just to punch him. Psicosis goes for a running double knee in the corner but Nitro dodges and Psicosis folds himself us. Mercury in but Psicosis cuts him off. Spinwheel kick and Mercury takes a breather. Psicosis follows with a corkscrew plancha. Super Crazy wants to fly but the ref cuts him off. Super Crazy decides just to jump over him with a tope con giro. Back in, they hit some double wheelbarrow suplex hybrid. Psicosis goes up top but Melina crotches him. MNM go to work with some nice double team work with a snapmare, a flipping BLANK and a slingshot elbow drop that gets 2. Psicosis fights back and the crowd is suddenly really into the hot tag. Psicosis with a sunset flip but Nitro with the blind tag to Mercury. He goes to work on Psicosis with a short arm clothesline that gets 2. They isolate him in the corner but he fights back with a double headscissors. He goes for the tag but Mercury cuts him off. Nitro with the B-Boy leg drop for 2. Nitro dumps Super Crazy just as Psicosis finally gets over for the tag. Nitro comes from behind with a backdrop suplex for 2. Nitro works a neck vice. Psicosis tries to roll through but Nitro hangs on and rolls through also. Psicosis rolls through again and tosses him off but Nitro picks him back up before he can get the tag and plants him in the heel corner. Mercury goes up top for whatever and catches Psicosis’s foot on the way down. Psicosis up and he tries a kick but Mercury catches it again and smacks Psicosis. He finally gets the enziguri and gets the hot tag to Super Crazy. SC is a house of fire with a ring around the roses whip, a hip tosses, and a series of drop kicks. MNM try to cut him off but he counters to an arm drag and then hits a tornado DDT on Mercury but Nitro breaks it up. Psicosis off the top with a cross body on MNM. On the floor, Mercury throws Psicosis into the barricade. SC goes up for the moonsault and hits it but Nitro breaks it up. Close nearfall. Off a whip reversal, MNM hit the Snapshot on SC for the 3 at 7:55. **1/2. Nothing wrong with a formula match but nothing really stuck out as worth caring about.

• Backstage, Booker T and Sharmell get interview by Krystal. Sharmell cut it short and said it’s a sweep and Krystal was a witch.

• Booker T vs. Chris Benoit. This match is number 4 in their best of 7 series for the US strap with Booker T up 3-0. Crowd heavily behind Benoit at the start as they do nothing of note. We get a clean break and the crowd still boos Booker. Benoit ducks a crescent kick and chops Booker down and he takes a breather. Back in, Booker gets a waistlock and a takedown but Benoit quickly reverses to a hammerlock and his own waistlock. Booker reverses a headlock to his own hammerlock. Back up, Benoit reverses to an armbar TD and goes for the crossface but Booker gets the ropes and takes another breather. Back in, off a lock up, Booker goes to some kicks but Benoit counters with a Dragon Screw legwhip and wants the sharpshooter but Booker kicks him off. Benoit gets another DS legwhip and now we go to school. Benoit works a standing Indian deathlock. Booker rakes the eyes to escape. Benoit chops the skin off Booker but he no sells and goes to some knees in the corner. They trade shots. Benoit goes to more chops but Booker cuts him off with a knee and a brainbuster. Booker goes for another suplex but Benoit slides out and counters to a nice German suplex. Benoit goes for an elbow but Booker moves out of the way. He drapes Benoit on the top rope and then knees him to the floor. This is a very slow pace. Nice chop war on the floor but Booker says fuck this and throws Benoit into the ring post. Back in, Booker gets a basement dropkick off a snapmare for 2. We hit the ab stretch. Benoit dry dumps Booker than hip tosses him out. Double clothesline and double KO spot. Back up, Benoit gets a waistlock and a German. Booker gets a standing reversal out but Benoit counters back to a release Northern Lights suplex. Benoit then goes to the 3 Amigos and that gets 2. Now we go the Rolling Germans as Benoit fires off 3 straight. Benoit goes up top but Sharmell distracts with the broom and crotches him. Up top, Booker sets up a superplex but Benoit slides out and falls to the mat. Looks like he was going for a super German but lost his grip on the way down. Booker hits the missile dropkick but only gets 2. After another chop war, they get tied up in the ropes. Ref breaks it up and Sharmell low blows Benoit in the meantime. Ax kick but Benoit kicks out at 2. That had been the previous two finishes. Crowd really getting into it. Booker sets up the Book End but Benoit counters to the arm bar takedown and the Crippler Crossface. Booker gets the ropes and Benoit goes back to the Germans again for three more. Diving headbutt but Booker kicks out at 2. Benoit goes back to the CC but Booker rolls through and accidentally takes out the ref. Benoit gets the sharpshooter and Booker taps but no ref. Sharmell in and waffles Benoit with the broom but he no sells. Booker attacks him from behind and goes for the Book End but Benoit counters to a nice DDT on the way down. Benoit hooks in the CC and Booker taps at 20:19. I can’t believe they gave a midcard singles match on a PPV twenty minutes. That would never happen these days, although it should happen more. ***1/2. Still, this was a 10-12 minute match stretched into 20 minutes through stalling early on and a leisurely pace. These two had an undeniable chemistry together though.

• The next Last Rites clip is Taker choke slamming Rikishi into the flat bed truck lined with bales of hay in 2000.

• Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon if you remember him come out to say Smackdown is better than RAW. Blah blah. Then Palmer brings out Santa Claus (Vito) and his elf, Nunzio. They give out some coal and candy canes then try to extort a title shot out of Teddy Long. Palmer brings out The Boogeyman who quickly disposes of them. This sucked.

• We get a video package for Orton-Taker including Orton setting Taker’s casket on fire with him allegedly in it, Orton backing Taker into the Ovaltron with a car and that bursting into Hollywood flames, Orton feigning retirement and then bashing Taker with the urn, etc. etc. This segues into a father and son Orton promo where they say Randy will beat Taker and he knows how to play mind games himself. It feels like 2 weeks since we had a match.

• 2-on-1 Handicap Match: Paul Burchill and William Regal vs. Bobby Lashley. Regal has a laughably intense look on his face coming to the ring. It looks more like horror. Regal’s the man but that facial expression was hilarious.

• Lashley dominates Burchill with power moves early. Lashley pulls Regal in and takes both out with clotheslines. Burchill attacks from behind and dumps him. Regal tosses him into the ring post to level the playing field so to speak. Back in, Burchill hits a flipping senton for 1. He tries to hold Lashley down which goes nowhere. Regal in and at least Lashley is selling the back. Regal clubs away and… He tags in Burchill and the ref wants Regal out but Regal awesomely counts along with the ref to show how much time he has as he holds down Lashley. Burchill hits a fucking badass flying knee drop from the top rope and Lashley like a bitch kicks out at 1. Way to kill the move asshole. Burchill tags in Regal but Lashley overpowers and hits a sorta sloppy belly to belly overhead suplex. Burchill back in and Lashley almost kills him twice with a flapjack/back drop hybrid and an even sloppier belly to belly. Regal in and he eats a Bulldog powerslam as Cole says Lashley has “controlled violence.” He must be related to Kofi Kingston. Burchill back in and he eats another flapjack and the Dominator for the 3 at 3:37. Well that was certainly decisive. It’s very easy to get over when they allow you to hit all the dominant moves, everyone sells for you, and you get to look invincible. Call it the Sid Vicious push, Diesel push, Goldberg push, Lesnar push, whatever. But somehow it didn’t stick with Lashley. He didn’t have the raw charisma or intensity as some of these other guys and he wasn’t quite as athletic as others. He couldn’t talk for shit but neither could some of them. Hard to say exactly. Maybe he just needed to stick around longer. * for Burchill’s kneedrop.

• Er. We go on location with Josh Matthews and referee Tim White. Oh, this is THAT pay per view. For those who don’t know, White started committing suicide over and over again on repeated segments on Smackdown and WWE.com. They said he failed each time until he finally just murdered Josh Matthews. Check out the Lunchtime Suicides or A Day in the Life of Tim White on youtube. Anyway, White is heavily drinking in this one and says that the “bump” he took at the Judgment Day 2002 HIAC ruined his career and he shoots himself off camera.

• WWE Cruiserweight Championship: Kid Kash vs. Juventud Guerrera (c). Juvy jumps from behind at the bell. It’s a brawl early. Juvy with a clothesline in the corner. Off a whip reversal, he gets the boot up and comes out with a crisp flying headscissors. Couple more clotheslines and a mildly botched huracanrana get 2 for Juvy. Juvy goes to the armbar TD and works the submission hold. Kash rolls through and punches more. He sends Juvy off and runs in but gets backdropped to the floor. Juvy follows with a plancha. Kash slams Juvy’s left arm into the ring post a few times as the crowd gets restless. Fuck ‘em. They haven’t even given these guys a chance. Kash works the arm some more and tells the ref to get the fuck off of him. In true Anderson style, Kash gets the hammerlock assisted body slam for 2. Kash pounds some more and slowly applies the Triangle Lancer and then says the hell with it and just stomps the arm some more. Kash rams Juvy shoulder first into a turnbuckle. Juvy comes back with some chops from the good arm. He gets a whip and a clothesline in the corner. Kash comes back with a whip of his own but it’s reversed. Juvy comes in and catches Kash trying the up and over but Kash kicks the gippy shoulder. Fuckin’ A. Kash with another hammerlock slam for 2. He pulls the arm as he gives Juvy a shoulder breaker and works the pin for a couple more 2 counts. Juvy can’t sell for shit though. As they go through a whip reversal sequence he just forgets the arm work and Kash kicks the arm again to try to remind him. He tries a moonsault off the second rope but lands on his feet as Juvy runs under. Kash with a scoop slam and calling for a moonsault but Juvy gets the knees up. Juvy hulks up and chops Kash a bunch of times. He gets a back elbow and a clothesline. He sends Kash off who gets the sunset flip but Juvy rolls through and gives him a Tajiri kick to the back/head. Juvy with another whip and he runs in but Kash gets a back elbow and goes up top but Juvy crotches him. Juvy up top for the avalanche Frankensteiner. Cover but Kash gets his foot on the rope. Juvy hulks up again. Kash wants a time out. Juvy hits the enziguri for 2. Juvy hits a Northern Lights and rolls through for the Falcon Arrow but Kash reverses. He sets up the brainbuster but Juvy slides out. Juvy gets the Perfect Driver but Kash kicks out at 2. Juvy goes up for the 450 but instead goes for a frontflip leg drop that gets nothing as Kash slides out. Kash hits the brainbuster to get the 3 and become new champ at 9:28. Kash was awesome, Juvy was OK, and the match was decent if unspectacular. The arm work went nowhere but Kid tried his damnedest to bring the psychology. **1/2. Post-match, the close up of the belt reveals that the name plate said “The Juice.”

Edit: Brainfart on goozle corrected.

• The Big Show and Kane vs. Rey Mysterio and Batista. This is WWE Tag champs vs. World Tag champs but neither belts are on the line. Batista is also World Heavyweight Champion for what it’s worth. Batista and Showster start off. Show tosses Batista a couple of times off a test of strength. Mysterio gives Batista some advice and I’m betting it’s don’t do the test of strength again. It is. Batista does a drop behind but Show gives him an elbow that Batista sells(!). What a maneuver. Batista says fuck it and goes to punches. He tries a clothesline that wobbles Show. Another and the same. A third Show dodges and throws Batista into the corner. Show goes for a Ho Train but Batista gets the boot up and takes Show down with a cross body/shoulder block. Show goozles him but Batista elbows out. He gets a head of steam but Show busts out a fucking 7 ft, 500 lb, 30 inch neck, 22 5E boot reverse crescent kick. This was during a period where Show seemed to get bored with his shtick and during various matches broke out the moveset. There’s a bizarrely watchable technical display between him and Kane have about five months after this during the May 19th fiasco. Kane in with punches. Batista cuts him off with knees and gets 2 off a vertical suplex. Kane hits a side slam and he goes up top but Batista slams him off. Mysterio in with a series of leg drops that get nothing. Standing moonsault gets 1. Mysterio tries a Lionsault but Kane moves out of the way. Mysterio kicks him in retaliation but that just makes him mad. Mysterio ducks a shot, mounts Kane in the corner and tries to pound away. But Kane shrugs it off and tosses him. Mysterio ducks a clothesline and hits the flying burrito but Kane no sells again. Double ax handle off the second rope and Kane is reeling. Mysterio slingshots into nothing (hate that fucking spot). Kane just catches him and tosses him into the corner. Mysterio quickly goes up and hits a springboard dropkick that drapes Kane on the second rope. Sensing the 619, Kane takes a breather but Batista is there to clothesline him down. Showster tries to get involved but Mysterio hits a baseball slide dropkick that sends Show into the apron and down to the floor. Kane back in. Another dropkick from Mysterio and he’s back on the ropes. Another attempt at the 619 but Show pulls him to the floor. Show rams him into the post and then press slams him back into the ring. Kane boots him and tags in Show. Show chops him as Cole breaks out the frying pan line. Show teases a tag for Mysterio then chops him down literally. Kane back in. He tries a whip but Mysterio back elbows to counter. He goes up top but jumps into Kane’s outstretched hand. He counters a choke slam to a sorta bulldog. Mysterio going for the tag but Show comes in plain sight and levels Batista for another fucking phantom “cheap shot,” according to Cole. They prep the double chokeslam but Batista in with clothesline and punches for Show and Kane. He spears Kane and hits a Ho Train on Show. Mysterio gives Kane a running basement dropkick. Spinebuster on Kane and a cactus clothesline on Showster. Another dropkick on Kane and a 619 finally. He tries the WCP but Kane catches him in a package. He alley oops Mysterio overhead. He gozzles him again and the choke slam is enough for the 3 at 8:38. Pretty solid tag match that smartly limited the amount of time of guys with no chemistry together (i. e. Kane and Batista) in the ring at the same time. Mysterio was moving at double speed to compensate. ***

• Another Last Rites shtick. This time it’s HBK as the human javelin at Badd Blood 1997.

• Hell in a Cell Match: Randy Orton vs. Undertaker. Orton is accompanied by his dad, UT’s urn, and Christian’s old pyro which is awesome no matter who uses it. Orton’s dad ended up being released not too long after this because he had a medical condition that could be transferred through blood contact and the WWE knew but didn’t tell Taker. He didn’t take to unknowingly blading in a match with him. I think it was some form of hepatitis but I’m not sure.

• Taker comes out swinging and tries to cut the ring off but Orton dodges and tries to create space early. Orton goes to a side headlock and tries to hang on. Taker sends him off and levels him with a shoulderblock and Orton begs off and takes a break. Taker gives chase and Orton runs back in. Off another lock up, Taker goes to the side headlock but Orton sends him off but still Orton eats the shoulderblock. Taker runs off and goes for another but Orton hip tosses him and gets the blue chipper drop kick for only 1. Orton gets a back body drop but runs into a big boot afterwards. Taker shit cans him to the floor. On the floor, Taker punches and tries to use Orton as a battering ram for some cage violence but Orton slides out and gets back in the ring. Interesting choice to delay the cage violence. Looks like they are playing up the story that Orton wants no part of the cage and just wants a regular match in the ring. Back in, Orton ducks a shot and punches away in the corner. Taker counters and hits his own shots in the corner. He boots Orton and then just blatantly chokes him and Nick Patrick asks Orton if he wants to submit. I love that little touch. Normally, the ref shows “discretion” and tries to get the wrestler to stop choking. Fuck ‘em. More carnage. Taker wishbones Orton around the ringpost ribs first. Taker gives Orton a Batista kick and we’re back on the floor. Orton scrambles and tries to go under the ring but Taker grabs him and throws him into the stairs. Taker looks under the ring and grabs a chair and throws it into the cage for some reason and it almost rebounds to hit him. Chairshot for Orton and he eats it head first. Orton takes time to blade. Taker gives him a gut shot and another one across the head with the chair. Brutal. Taker rakes his face across the cage and cue Cole’s cheese grater line. Orton scrambles and comes up with a chain from under the ring but drops it as Taker slams him into the stairs again. Taker gets the chain and chokes Orton with it and again Patrick asks Orton if he wants to quit. UT rams Orton head first into the cage. He picks up the top half of the stairs but Orton boots him to cut him off and tries to mount a comeback. Orton tries to ram the stairs but Taker kicks them back. Taker throws Orton into the stairs again. In a moment of desperation, Orton RKOs Taker across the top rope (a form of the Stun Gun basically) and Taker sells into the cage and to the floor. Orton now with some shots of his own and some cage assisted knee drops. Now, he’s got the stairs and Taker eats them arm first like a man’s man. Or something. And Taker blades off of that? WTF? Now Orton rakes Taker’s face and he can barely even elicit a facial reaction. Asshole. More of the same as Orton slams him into the stairs and various other moves that Taker barely sells. Orton chokes Taker with the chain viciously. Orton waffles him with the chair and that gets 2. UT takes a breather and stumbles around some to sell. Orton pursues but Taker just punches him and now he’s back in control. Yeah OK. Taker tosses Orton into the cage again. Orton’s selling like a motherfucker here. I mean he’s dead. Taker follows with a running, jumping hip check off the stairs. You gotta respect the vet giving the rub to the youngsters. Asshole. Back in, Taker gets the scoop slam and he goes up top and tries a diving elbow drop but Orton gets out of the way. He gets a table. For those counting, this would be Orton’s third wind. Orton boots Taker who rolls out to the floor but he drifts to the cage where Papa Orton grabs him. Orton tries to take advantage but Taker fights him off. Then turns the tables on Papa Orton and pulls him back into the cage a few times and then big boots him. Papa Orton blades on that. Taker gets a head of steam but Orton powerslams him into the cage. Orton covers on the floor but that gets 2. Back in, they trade shots but Taker comes back with a flying clothesline and that gets 2. Taker connects with Old School and Orton then runs into a Downward Spiral that gets 2. Snake Eyes in the corner and the big boot follow. Another leg drop gets 2. Choke slam but Orton gets his foot on the bottom rope. Taker now hits the running hip check. He tries it again but Orton crotches him then low blows him with the chain. Nice. Orton puts him on the table and goes up top and hits a splash through the table. But Taker kicks out at 2. Orton dumps the table. He punches away in the corner. Orton mounts but Taker counters to a Last Ride but Orton jumps out. Taker goes for a punch but Orton ducks and he levels Nick Patrick. Now he didn’t deserve that. Taker goes for a choke slam but Orton counters to an RKO. But of course there’s no ref. Charles Robinson comes out and counts but the delayed cover only gets 2. With the door open, Bob walks in with the urn. Zombie sit up and Taker’s pissed. Orton tries to rake the eyes but Taker no sells and boots away. Last Ride on Orton. Cover but Papa Orton pulls out the ref and lays him out. Taker stiffs him and rams him into the cage. Taker goes for the Tombstone but Orton reverses and hits it himself but Taker kicks out and Zombie sits up again. Taker goes for the choke slam but Bob is in and Taker boots him down. Randy goes for the RKO but Taker throws him off. UT waffles father and son with the urn. Tombstone for Bob and another for Randy and that’s enough for the 3 at 30:27. ***

• This match did shit for Orton. I know Taker is taker and his gimmick is what it is. But he has consistently not been the right guy to put in feuds with up and comers the past decade. Whether it was Angle in 2000, Maven in 2002, Brock in 2002, Cena in 2003, Orton in 2005, Kennedy in 2006, or Punk in 2009, I just don’t think any of those guys got a rub from getting their ass beat. Even their victories were glorified ass whoopings where they needed interference and foreign objects to win. I know some love that Brock-UT HIAC in 2002 but Brock was made by Rock at Summerslam, not because of the UT feud. All that being said, the HIAC, like the Royal Rumble, Elimination Chambers, and War Games, is practically an automatic three star match unless they screw it up. I thought they might go somewhere interesting with the story in the beginning but it just reverted to a regular HIAC match except with one guy fairly consistently dominating the match.

The 411: This is tricky. The ratings themselves sound decent but the whole show feels underwhelming. Nothing other than the cell match felt like a big deal and it was too one-sided to make a difference. I like Kid Kash, I like JBL's mock sincerity, I like the Booker T-Benoit series, and I like HIAC matches but this just didn't do it for me.
Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]