The Chrononaut Chronicles: Clash of the Champions V

The Chrononaut Chronicles
NWA Clash of the Champions V: St. Valentine’s Massacre – February 15, 1989

– LIVE from the Cleveland Convention Center in Cleveland, Ohio! Jim Ross is on play-by-play and joining him on color commentary this time out is Magnum TA. A neat sports-like touch is that the ringposts are decorated with Coors “Extra Gold Light” advertisements since they are sponsoring Clash V: St. Valentine’s Massacre. Nothing says “legitimate sport” like shameless promotion.

– The Russian Assassins (Russian Assassin #1 & #2 w/Paul Jones) vs. The Midnight Express (“Beautiful” Bobby Eaton & “Sweet” Stan Lane w/Jim Cornette)

The sheer ’80s cool factor of the Midnight Express is enhanced by their classic theme, Giorgio Moroder’s synth-heavy track “Chase” off the soundtrack of the 1978 film, Midnight Express. Although the masked Russian Assassins are bigger and stronger, Sweet Stan & Beautiful Bobby assume control early on due to their superior wrestling ability and quick tags. Paul E. Dangerously pops up in an inset promo (better designed than the one at Clash IV) and promises that this is the last time anyone will see Jim Cornette, hyping a six-man Losers Leave NWA match at the Chi-Town Rumble ’89 PPV in five days pitting Paul E. and his “Real” Midnight Express of Dennis Condrey & Randy Rose against Cornette and his Express. Cornette and Paul Jones almost get into it at ringside and Lane gets in a few shots on Jones, but the manager doesn’t go down and his Russians have to hold him back. That bugs me because if Stan Lane can’t even knock down a manager, what threat does he pose to actual wrestlers? ANYWAY. Paul E. Dangerously joins Ross and Magnum on commentary while Eaton & Lane continue to double-team the Assassins and Cornette gets in on the act, whacking Assassin #1 with the tennis racket. The fans dig it and Cornette does a little Ric Flair strut to celebrate. The Russians make an illegal switch and punish Sweet Stan in their half of the ring as Ross questions the wisdom of Cornette signing his Express to a match against the big Assassins just days before the Loser Leaves NWA bout. Watching Stan Lane ‘play Ricky Morton’ and take an extended beating from the heels is a bit surreal, but he proves to be damn good at it and sneaks in a couple of hope spots to tease the crowd. Lane finally dodges a “Russian Missile” in the corner and makes the hot tag to Eaton, who cleans house on the Assassins while a disgusted Paul E. leaves the announce booth. One Rocket Launcher later, Beautiful Bobby pins Russian #1 at 13:15. *** It’s refreshing that Cornette and the Midnights still perform like their old heel act, with the consummate teamwork and Cornette’s interference, despite the face turn.

Hold me back!

– Bob Caudle interviews Ricky Steamboat, holding his young son Ricky Jr. as he gets booed right off the bat. Wow. The Dragon wants to clean up America and he has returned to the NWA to take the World Heavyweight Championship from Ric Flair at the Chi-Town Rumble. We see footage of the Nature Boy attacking Steamboat after his public workout, but the Dragon ended up getting the better of Flair and ripping his expensive shirt.

– Steven Casey vs. “Hacksaw” Butch Reed

Steven Casey is the younger brother of WWF jobber Scott Casey and went on to do absolutely nothing of note, while Butch Reed had recently returned to the NWA (sans his “Natural” dyed blond hair) and was headed for a showdown with Sting at the Chi-Town Rumble. Therefore, you would think this would be a glorified squash to put Butch over strong going into the PPV, but you’d be wrong. Much like the Steve Williams vs. Italian Stallion match at our last Clash, this one lasts seemingly forever with Casey working over Reed’s arm for a while, then Reed works Casey’s arm, followed by Casey working Reed’s arm again. The match is so boring that we cut to crowd shots every 30 seconds, including one shot of a couple making out that elicits a classic JR reaction: “Well isn’t that special right there.” Between interminably long chinlocks, Reed spices things up by dumping Casey to the floor a couple of times. Dear God, make it stop. Casey mounts a comeback and attempts a crossbody, but Hacksaw catches him and presses him overhead in an impressive display of strength. After the press slam, Reed follows up with a flying shoulderblock off the top turnbuckle, called “The Bomb” by Ross, and finally puts this match out of its misery in no less than 17:36. SEVENTEEN MINUTES AND THIRTY-SIX SECONDS. To put it in perspective, it was five seconds shorter than the main event at the last Clash. * Butch Reed looked good and would have looked even better if ten minutes had been shaved off this match.

KLASH KISS KAM

– The embodiment of ’80s excess in his expensive suit and luxurious fur coat, Ric Flair comes to the ring for an interview escorted by five anorexic fashion models and his new business manager, Hiro Matsuda. Following the departure of Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard, the Four Horsemen officially disbanded when JJ Dillon left the NWA for a front-office position with the WWF, so Slick Ric ‘sold out’ to Matsuda’s Yamasaki Corporation. Bob Caudle interviews the Nature Boy, who brags about sleeping with a different woman every night while Ricky Steamboat wakes up with the same woman every morning. The Dragon comes out to confront the NWA World Champion and gets booed for defending the family unit and hard-working way of life. Man, NWA crowds are odd. Flair turns the fans against himself by advising Steamboat to go home and “help the missus with the dishes”, at which point Steamboat slaps Flair and the crowd pops. Steamboat ends up stripping Flair to his socks and underwear and scores a visual pinfall on the Heavyweight Champion of the World after a flying bodypress off the top, but Hiro Matsuda pearl-harbors the Dragon and holds him for Flair. The Dragon fights back and drives Flair and Matsuda from the ring, then puts on Flair’s torn-up suit before tossing the pieces into the crowd. This classic angle was a highlight of the classic Flair/Steamboat feud that raged on through the first half of 1989 and firmly established the contrast between the two characters. This was such a defining moment because both guys were essentially portraying themselves as they really were and this angle told the whole story.

Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last time we’d see Ric in his underwear.

– The Blackmailer (w/Hiro Matsuda) vs. “Total Package” Lex Luger

The NWA had a thing for generic masked wrestlers, and in fact under the hood of The Blackmailer is Jack Victory, who competed earlier as Russian Assassin #2. Lex Luger is the number-one contender to NWA United States Champion Barry Windham, also under the management of Hiro Matsuda, so Matsuda has hired the mysterious Blackmailer to wear down the Total Package before their match at the Chi-Town Rumble. Luger cranks a neverending headlock, but Blackmailer comes back and works him over for a few minutes until Lex starts no-selling punches. Using Barry Windham’s finishing maneuver, Luger superplexes the Blackmailer for the victory at 12:53. ½* Dull and pointless, despite the attempt at a backstory.

– Backstage, Bob Caudle interviews NWA World Television Champion Rick Steiner as he prepares to defend his title against Mike Rotunda at Chi-Town Rumble. “Alex” (Rick’s hand with a face drawn on it) is looking after him, but Rick is afraid he might rip Rotunda’s head off.

– NWA United States Tag Team Championship: The Varsity Club (“Dr. Death” Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda w/Kevin Sullivan) © vs. The Fantastics (Bobby Fulton & Tommy Rogers)

Kevin Sullivan & Steve Williams had originally captured the US Tag Team Title from the Fantastics at Starrcade ’88, but they claimed that since the Varsity Club was a unit with interchangeable parts, any two of them could defend the belts, much like the Fabulous Freebirds did years earlier. JR lays out the story of the match by pointing out that the Fantastics have never submitted, so the Varsity Club has planned on using a submission hold to win. It’s a back-and-forth struggle early on as the Club slow down the pace every time the Fantastics try to turn it up a notch. An inset promo with Rick Steiner rambling about Mike Rotunda is shown as Rotunda & Williams take control of Fulton, but Bobby hits a crossbody on Dr. Death for a near-fall and tags out. Rogers decks Doc with a dropkick, but Williams smothers him and tags out. The Fantastics get the advantage over Rotunda until Williams knocks Fulton over the top rope from the apron and then drops his throat on the ringside barricade. Back in the ring, Rotunda fires off a sweet dropkick and Williams scores a near-fall after a flying double-axhandle off the top, as the champions isolate Fulton and work him over.

Doc manhandles Fulton with an awesome press slam, bouncing him in the air a few times before slamming him. Williams whiffs on a football tackle and lifts Fulton for the Oklahoma Stampede, but Bobby holds on to the ropes and knocks Doc off-balance. Hot tag is made and Rogers goes toe-to-toe with both Williams & Rotunda until Rotunda dumps him to the floor. Tommy comes back in with a botched maneuver off the top (Ross calls it a bodypress but it also could have been a sunset flip) on Doc, but referee Teddy Long is busy ushering Fulton out of the ring so he misses the pin. Using his university-level intellect for evil, Rotunda quickly comes off the middle turnbuckle with a stomp to the back of Tommy’s head and Williams covers him for the three-count at 13:25 to retain the NWA United States Tag Team Championship. **** Good tag match, although it never approached the premise that JR had laid out about the Varsity Club wanting to make the Fantastics submit for the first time. That would have been a cool angle to go with. Has there ever been a tag team submission match?

– Bob Bradley vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat

Ricky Steamboat makes his entrance with wife Bonnie and Little Ricky, who is a remarkably well-trained child. Did they dope him up backstage? The idea here is that Steamboat will take on all comers, even days before his shot at the NWA World Championship. Bob Bradley was a TV jobber for both WCW and WWF and had a brief run as the second Battle Kat in the WWF in 1990, and he puts up a good fight in this glorified squash. Steamboat hits the flying karate chop off the top, followed by the flying bodypress for the pin at 6:23. *½ It wasn’t a bad little match, but Steamboat’s strength was in his selling and it looked laughable for the #1 Contender to be selling so much for an absolute non-entity like Bradley. There had to be a better opponent to put the Dragon over on the road to Chi-Town Rumble.

– Non-title: Rip Morgan vs. Rick Steiner

Still wearing his Michigan singlet, Rick Steiner is the NWA World Television Champion and he has the belt on backwards. In an inset promo, Mike Rotunda claims that because of his higher education, taking the TV Title from Steiner will be like taking candy from a baby. Rip Morgan controls most of the match until the Dogfaced Gremlin counters a bearhug with a belly-to-belly suplex and scores the three-count in 4:40. * The strategy of having your top stars dominated by curtain-jerkers continues to baffle me. Steiner was super over with the crowd anyway as the fans provide a chorus of barking.

– Bob Caudle conducts a backstage interview with the unusual trio of Sting, Junkyard Dog, & Michael “PS” Hayes as they prepare for their shot tonight at the World Six-Man Tag Team Championship. The concept of the team is that Sting provides the youth, JYD has the size, and PS is the brains behind the operation because of his experience with the Freebirds. Sting gets too excited and forgets what to say, but he makes up for it with raw charisma and Hayes takes over, promising that he knows how to beat the Road Warriors. After JYD says his piece, they head off for a last-minute strategy session. Kevin Sullivan appears and locks a caged fence behind them so they can’t get out. Why is there a fenced-off area with no other exits at the Cleveland Convention Center? What are they doing to people back there? At the very least it’s a fire hazard.

Who put this cage door here?!

– NWA World Six-Man Tag Team Championship: The Road Warriors (Hawk & Animal w/Paul Ellering) & Genichiro Tenryu © vs. The Varsity Club (“Dr. Death” Steve Williams & Mike Rotunda & Kevin Sullivan)

Sting, Junkyard Dog, & Michael Hayes are still trapped backstage after a commercial break, so it’s the old bait-and-switch as the Varsity Club charge out and brawl with the Road Warriors & Genichiro Tenryu. Apparently, this is a legal substitution, but it sets a dangerous precedent. What’s stopping someone from locking Ricky Steamboat in his car trunk and stealing his World Title shot? The Six-Man champs clear the ring and Animal unloads clotheslines on all three Varsity athletes to pop the crowd. We see updates from backstage as inept NWA officials engage in a seemingly futile struggle to free JYD, PS, & Sting while the Legion of Doom & Tenryu control their unexpected challengers. The Varsity Club come back and isolate Animal, ramming his shoulder into the ringpost to soften him up for their shot at the LOD’s World Tag Team Championship at Chi-Town Rumble. Meanwhile, bolt-cutters have been enlisted and they finally release the Fabulous StingDogs from their backstage prison, but they take forever to make it out to the ring. Did they get lost back there, a la Spinal Tap? The Club hammer Animal’s shoulder until Sting, Hayes, & JYD run in and referee Tommy Young calls for a double-disqualification at 5:53 as all nine men slug it out in and around the ring. ** Solid psychology on the part of the Varsity Club to set up the PPV match with the Warriors, but it was pretty lame to have a six-minute bait-and-switch “main event” after so many extended squashes throughout the show.

The 411: St. Valentine's Massacre followed the Clash of the Champions trend with a massive decline in quality. This might have sufficed as an installment of their TBS Saturday evening show, but not as a primetime TV special. Too many squash matches that took up too much time, and only one match that rose above average. The backstage angle with Michael Hayes, Sting, & Junkyard Dog getting locked behind a cage fence was apparently done because the brass was concerned that Sting would be booed against the Road Warriors. A stupid angle done for a stupid reason, although it resulted in a better match. The lone highlight of Clash V was the angle between Ric Flair and Ricky Steamboat that is still fondly remembered. Despite the lack of quality wrestling, Clash V actually did a good job of promoting the Chi-Town Rumble '89 that followed five days later. At this PPV, the Dragon downed the Nature Boy for the NWA Heavyweight Championship of the World in the first of three classic legendary matches. The rematch was scheduled for Sunday, April 2, at the sixth Clash of the Champions opposite WrestleMania V.

Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]