The Furious Flashbacks – WEW Hot Booties Get Kicked

The Furious Flashbacks – WEW Hot Booties Get Kicked

This is the worst wrestling show I’ve ever seen

Yes, that is the name of the fucking show. I almost feel the need to apologise on behalf of WEW but their company is called “Women’s Erotic Wrestling” in some press releases so I’m sure they don’t care.

January 5th 2003.

We’re in Dover, Delaware. Hosts are Pussywillow & Becky. Oh God. Tell me Gargiulo is taking over when the matches start?

BACKSTAGE Mercedez calls out Persephone. The awful jackass (Special Ed) who manages Persephone retorts. Simply Luscious gets a promo while the fucking idiot cameraman constantly zooms in and out. I feel sick. Baby Phatt says she’s taking out Davey Mae. Annie Social introduces herself. Candi has returned (she went away?) and the camera is still all over the place. STOP FUCKING MOVING! STOOOOOOPPPP. I feel nauseated. HOLD THE CAMERA STILL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. This isn’t the fucking Bourne Identity! Papa Mae is unhappy because someone ate all the pizza. Nav-A-Ho also uses the pizza box as a prop. Luscious is back to give Lucky the Cripple a pep talk. Amy Lee has the title belt (presumably she stole this on another taping). She’s now a hater of ho’s.

• Why on Earth did they feel the need to do all the promos, with everyone, before they even started? And the moving camera bullshit? Urrrrgh. Seriously; every promo was unwatchable because the camera was so bad. I had to look away before I threw up.

Candi v Adrenna Lynn

Tara, the girl Candi used to feud with, is the ref. They’ve made up. Without Gargiulo this company might actually be unbearable. They just ramble on commentary and can’t call anything. Its incredibly annoying. Tara helps Candi, which presumably is a Candi heel turn? They miscue with the cocaine throw, quelle surprise, and Tara accidentally fast counts Candi down because she can’t see. ¼*. Commentator #1 complains that she missed the finish because the other commentator was talking to her. That sums up how bad they suck. That was a brisk opener.

BACKSTAGE The Smoke gets promo time because he’s the only person in the company who hasn’t cut a promo yet. He has the temerity to call himself “the biggest rising star in sportz entertainment”. Cut to Tai who gets a promo too where she moans about Amy Lee running around with the title belt and calls her out. Back to the Smoke again who’s gained a hat from somewhere. He introduces some blonde chick but clearly forgets her name and just calls her the Gorgeous One. Quite how they couldn’t hype the arrival of a former WCW talent is anyone’s guess.

• Isis comes out to dance and the commentary team complains about how small her tits are. Oy. I’m not kidding when I call this the worst commentary I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard Herb Abrams AND Mark Madden.

Mercedez v Persephone w/Special Ed

Special Ed cuts a promo, which the commentators talk over about how horny they are, and NOTHING makes any sense. Luscious comes out here to run him off. Persephone gets the dragon sleeper and Mercedez, despite being the babyface and the heel having no help at all, passes out. DUD. This was maybe a minute long.

POST MATCH Special Ed attacks Luscious with his cane.

• In a quite sensational display of professionalism the dude in charge (I assume Dave Milan) walks past the commentary area and tells them if “someone is cutting a promo in the ring” don’t talk over it. Do these fucking numbskulls even realise this is a DVD? You can edit the audio. Unbelievable. “We worked that out already” says Pussywillow. Sure ya did. This is the worst company ever and that is a worse display of unprofessional behaviour than when Gene Okerlund swore on the air or Sid asked to re-do a live promo.

Lil Davey Mae w/Papa Mae v Baby Phatt

Papa Mae has an inflatable sheep. I guess because…fuck it. Literally nobody cares. Pussywillow points out she used to be Barroom Barbie. Why did they drop that gimmick? It was fun. This one is horrible. Davey spends the match grabbing Baby’s personal areas. The actual wrestling is ghastly. They blow both of the spots they attempt. Isis doesn’t seem to recognise pins btw. She gets bumped and Davey takes about 6 or 7 years to climb the buckles. The Smoke runs in, lays Davey out and Baby Phatt gets the pin. Not sure what the connection is with her and the Smoke. I guess they just had no finish. Oh wait, the match is still going on! Baby Phatt gets in one more spectacularly blown spot where she tries to cartwheel into a DDT but manages neither. -***. Quite awful on every level. Well played, WEW, well played.

Simply Luscious v Nav-A-Ho

Get it? Nav-A-Ho? Navajo? Injun gimmick? The commentators talk all over Luscious’ promo even after they were told to shut the fuck up by the boss. Please let this be a one show experiment. If they’re the regular commentary team I’m out of here. I can’t take it. At least Gargiulo and Jeff James used to poke fun how much everything sucked. Luscious brings out the gay ref who they call “Cha-Cha”, I’ll stick with “the gay ref”. The commentary team is now talking about Grease. Talk about not knowing your audience. NVH looks like Alexis Laree to a degree that I thought it was her. Becca complains of “too much violence” in this match. Urgh. Just, stop. Please, shut the fuck up. Its just this torrent of verbal diarrhea. Luscious makes this match competent even if the selling is all over the place. Competency is a massive step up on the rest of the card. Luscious takes it with a Death Valley Driver, which the commentary team doesn’t notice. *1/4. Match of the night.

POST MATCH Persephone and Special Ed come out and attack Luscious, which she had coming after interfering earlier. Even if she failed. The gay ref makes the save. Oh good lord, really?

Psycho Bitch v Funky White Boy

FWB is dressed like Cena and has Eminem in his corner. Oh, so many wannabes. So little fast-forward time. Cena debuted in 2002 so this is probably a riff on the WWE. They try and double team and double pin Psycho Bitch but she kicks out. Psycho Bitch breaks out a lousy cartwheel back elbow. Why is this company SO obsessed with that move? She chokeslams both dudes for the win. DUD.

Persephone/Special Ed v Simply Luscious/Lucky the Cripple

They clip right into this so I can only assume it’s a tag match. Persephone is wrestling in underwear, which is about her level of skill. The match is so bad that Luscious decides to stiffen it up a bit. If you can’t make shit look good you might as well just punch each other and get legitimate that way. The match must be boring because we clip ahead to the CRIPPLE FIGHT. Oh, bait and switch. You can’t even do a cripple fight? Lucky gets a kiss off Persephone instead. Switch up, stupid! Ed slaps Luscious so she breaks out the airplane spin. He’s dizzy so when Lucky tags in they just fall over. Lucky ends up on top for the “win”. DUD. That’s the worst finish in the world.

POST MATCH The Smoke is out here for another fine impersonation. The ladies talk over his promo too. Annie Social comes out so Smoke punches her. So this is a match?

The Smoke v Annie Social

Annie isn’t wearing much. She has a Goth look. Smoke dominates until Annie kicks him in the balls and gets the pin. DUD.

Amy Lee v Tai Killer Weed

Amy is on golden form. So much so even the commentators shut up while she lays into the fans. “I bet you suck a mean dick with those big lips”. She wasn’t even addressing a woman. Her abuse is actually longer than most of tonight’s matches. Amy is a brawler, Tai is a mental. There are possibilities there. She isn’t so stoned that she falls over getting into the ring either. That’s a bonus. Plus they have the size difference thing with Amy using her size effectively and Tai bumping nicely for her. Its not a disaster, which is always a bonus in this fucking company. One of the commentators goes for a piss and the remaining one is actually able to CALL THE MATCH. Hey, that’s new! I think we’ve discovered a possible solution to the ‘new commentators suck’ problem. For the most part the girls just punch at each other until Tai decides to work the arm. Its not exciting in any way. Tai gets waffled with a boot and bails to get a swig of beer. Amy forgets she’s not on Ultimate Surrender and goes for the crotch. Fingering; 2 points. They brawl into the crowd and someone gets in Tai’s way, which almost gets him a kick to the nuts. This is so sloppy. The commentators are running some weird angle where one slept with the other one’s boyfriend. Oh…I don’t care. Amy stops that by cutting a promo on Pussywillow in mid-match. The Smoke runs in. What the heck is happening? Soundguy is in there. Don’t they realise there’s a match happening? Soundguy powerbombs Tai through a table. That’s not good. He didn’t even protect her, the lazy cunt. Amy then puts on a Camel Clutch but Tai is already unconscious so its over. DUD. Passable to start with but the finish is disgusting. Absolutely deplorable. These people are scum.

POST MATCH The Mae’s run in to attack Smoke. I guess that’s a receipt and a match no one wants to see. In fact I don’t want to see any men in this company at all (bar the commentary booth). It just undermines everything the ladies are doing.

Pussywillow v The Gorgeous One

The Gorgeous One is former WCW “talent” and Randy Savage’s ex-girlfriend Stephanie Bellars aka Gorgeous George. Amy Lee joins the commentary, which means more abuse. They actually have the common sense to not talk over The Smoke’s promo (his 5th tonight by my count). Whoever has their dress removed loses. They play music as to acknowledge this as a form of stripping. Its basically a catfight. But not the good kind where a match is interrupted by one. George pops out but a WEW logo appears over them. What? No more nudity? I can’t explain how this match ends. Isis attacks the gay ref (although both are faces, or at least were earlier). Pussywillow gets cuffed to the ropes by a chick in a cop uniform (no idea who that is, not called by the commentators). Smoke punches Pussywillow in the face. George wins and Pussywillow is reduced to her undies. -*. I have no idea what just happened but it did truly suck.

The 411: The 0.1 is you know its not an accident this show has no rating. I’ve seen some abysmal shows over the years but this is the worst wrestling show, ever. What’s worse is they toned the show down by removing the nudity, which was the only thing they had going for them. So they’ve removed the only selling point and, with the commentary switch, removed the only other thing that made the shows bearable and remotely close to professional. Its like they sat down, had a meeting and started pitching ways of making the show worse than it already was. I can’t logically explain it in any other way.

Final Score:  0.1   [ Torture ]