The One-Liner Review: WWE TLC 2016

The IWC is filled with snowflake ratings and recaps for big WWE events … but that’s a lot of work. This isn’t one of those columns. What follows is one line (or so) about every wrestler or team who worked TLC. These are the stray thoughts and pointless musings that filled one lazy man’s mind while watching the event.

Zack Ryder – I don’t know how in the hell this happened, but Zack Ryder has gotten a lot better in the ring.

Mojo Rawley – The effect of a lifetime of listening to loud music: could have sworn Mauro Ranallo said, “And Mojo drops the pink hammer on him.” Mauro said “big,” not “pink” … right?

American Alpha – In that uncomfortable spot between good (which they unquestionably are) and over (which they aren’t).

Apollo Crews – Would have been so much better off if he had gone to New Japan or ROH or Lucha Underground. Needs a leave-the-WWE makeover.

The Ascension – How good is NXT’s booking and creative? It managed to make these guys look awesome once upon a time.

The Vaudevillains – It’s important to have a competent jobber tag team around. Somebody’s got to lose.

Curt Hawkins – Taking a guy we’ve barely seen in the ring in recent years and giving him a gimmick where he doesn’t wrestle much is a terrible idea.

Randy Orton – Nice to see the WWE not mess around and let him run mow down Slater and Rhyno.

Bray Wyatt Just won his first belt, and I’m guessing he’ll seem a lot more like the maniacal genius he plays on TV if he keeps winning things.

Heath Slater – An Intercontinental Championship might get his family a triple-wide or maybe even something with a foundation.

Rhyno – Veteran knowhow = come in to get a permanent roster guy over, then do the job.

Carmella – The fire extinguisher bit got a way bigger pop than I’d have ever expected.

Nikki Bella – If the WWE does a women’s Royal Rumble match this year, she’s my pick to win.

Natalya – Damn, and I was hoping it was Rikishi who was behind the attack on Nikki at Survivor Series.

Ladders – Apparently it causes intense pain when a ladder so much as touches you. Must suck to be a house painter or a roofer.

Dolph Ziggler – Sometimes losing a mid-card belt creates the opportunity to move into the main event picture. A few months of Dolph vs. AJ works for me.

The Miz Hats off to the heat segment he did when he was taking out Ziggler’s leg. The best heels are devious, focused and vicious.

Daniel Bryan – The back and forth with Miz has got to mean he’s fighting at WrestleMania, doesn’t it?

The WWE Intercontinental Championship – Had itself a spectacular 2016.

Baron Corbin Size matters.

Kalisto – Yep, size still matters.

Alexa Bliss On The Ren & Stimpy Show an old west bad guy once tried to hang Ren, but he was so light he just flapped in the breeze. Seriously, what would a table have to be made out of for Alexa to go through it? I’m guessing Saltine crackers.

Becky Lynch – Deserves better. Man, that match felt like it went on forever.

Chairs – If you set up a row of chairs, the laws that guide the wrestling universe demand that it will be you going through them and not your opponent.

AJ Styles’ ripped pants – He didn’t know why the crowd was cheering.

James Ellsworth – It’s not a twist if you see it coming. Ambrose was Ellsworth’s dick friend.

Dean Ambrose – How many title matches do you have to lose before they stop giving you title matches?

AJ Styles – Best pro wrestler on the planet.