The RAWtopsy 09.18.06

No Smackdown this week because it wasn’t on when they said it would be. Got to watch the pilot episode of “Buffy” though. You know, CW should just rerun that series since they own all the episodes. God knows it couldn’t be any worse than the shows they come up with these days.

And the “Unforgiven” review should be up sometime tomorrow. I wasn’t particularly feeling like doing it live, and I didn’t want to take it out on the show. Besides, I got to watch “Family Guy” and “American Dad.” FG, btw, had two funny jokes in the episode and one unfunny one that they repeated over and over for about 15 minutes. **

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

September 18, 2006

Live from Montreal, Quebec.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Ah yes. Montreal. Did you know I was once accused of encouraging the separatist movement on one of the many Canadian forums? Why? Because someone didn’t get a joke I made about Christian. Anyway, John Cena comes out…BOOOOOO…and talks about…BOOOOOOOO…going through hell. The fans don’t seem to like him much. Edge interrupts and promises he will get that title back when he exercises the rematch clause. They trade barbs for a bit (with Cena making Edge break character at least once) before Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch attack Cena at the behest of Edge. Sweet double goozle-ish doubleteam they have there. DX interrupts to make the save. Hey, there are six of them with three on each side. All we need now is someone to make a six-man…oh, here’s Jonathon Coachman. He says, since Vince isn’t here, he’s going to run Raw just like Vince would. He’s going to set up a fake drug testing program? He does make that logical six-man tag.

Coach has lined up a number of superstars to send “get well” wishes to Vince and Shane at home. First up, Shelton Benjamin, who thinks the McMahons didn’t ask him to be their partner because he’s black. Oooh, it’s just like “Survivor.”

Kane vs. Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada).
Kane freaks Umaga out with the pyro and starts out fast. Estrada tries to throw in a chair, but the referee blocks him, getting himself knocked out in the process. Kane DDTs Umaga, but the ref is still down. Umaga SMASHES Kane in the head with the chair and gets two from a new referee, and we go to break. When we come back, Umaga is still dominating the groggy Kane. Kane avoids a charge and hits his flying clothesline, but instead of going for the win, he grabs the chair and waffles Umaga for the DQ. With Umaga out of it, Kane chases down Estrada and drags him to the back. 1/2*

Kane drags Estrada to the loading garage and threatens to stab him to death. Umaga makes the save.

Maria offers her thoughts to Vince and Shane as only she can. The Spirit Squad shove her out of the way and hype their matches.

Ric Flair vs. Johnny (w/the Spirit Squad).
Lillian announces Kenny, but Johnny is the one who answers the call. He tells the rest of the Squad to stay at the top of the ramp instead of coming down to ringside to interfere. Flair takes over pretty quickly but gets backdropped on the floor. You know, for a guy who can work a match without taking those kinds of bumps, he sure takes a lot of them. Back in, Johnny clips Flair’s leg and locks in the figure-four. Flair makes the ropes and avoids a spinning wheel kick off the top. Johnny’s dazed, so Flair clips his leg. NOW IT’S TIME TO GO TO SCHOOL! Johnny reverses the figure-four to a small package, but Flair reverses it for the win at 3:08. *

Lita uses her time to lobby for the vacant WWE Women’s Title. Mickie James barges in and praises Trish for her title win. She also gets in a dig about Lita being a slut. Okay, that’s getting a little old. They need to start making fun of her bangs. Gotta do somethin’ ’bout that hair, girlfriend. Lita slaps Mickie for her insolence.

Randy Orton comes out to brag about his “Unforgiven” win and call himself the future of the industry. Johnny Nitro and Melina interrupt as JR lets us know that Melina likes to have sex with men that leave their socks on. Rock out with your sock out, I guess. Nitro says he is the real future of the business, and he has the gold to prove it. They get in each other’s faces until Chris Masters comes out and makes a joke about himself being the future face of the WWE. Good one. You know, thanks to the Wellness Program, Masters’ body is about as lithe as Orton’s. Carlito interrupts and attacks all three heels. Super Crazy and Jeff Hardy run down to even things up. Coach pops up on the screen. But we already have a six-man match tonight! What is this Ring of Honor’s Trios Tournament?! It’ll be anarchy! Wait. He just makes a six-pack challenge for the IC Title. That works. Dick, Perry, put the matches away.

Intercontinental Title, Six-Pack Challenge: Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Carlito vs. Super Crazy vs. Johnny Nitro (w/Melina) vs. Chris Masters.
We come back to pandelerium. No way to recap this, really. They’re all in there at the same time, pairing off against one another for a brawl here and there. Jeff catches Nitro with a front powerslam – shades of his sick powerbomb last night. Finally, the heels grow a brain (just one brain between the three of them, but it’s a start) and start isolating the babyfaces. Since we have some high flyers, we get that spot where everyone takes turns diving out on top of a pile of brawlers. Where’s Jack Evans when you need him? Nitro misses a pescado and splats on the floor, allowing Super Crazy to hit a top-rope springboard quebrada on the pile. Y tu sabes este, hombreeeeee! We go to a break, and come back to even more chaos. IT’S A BY GAWD COLD SIX PACK OF CHAOS! Orton goes full bastard and teams up with Nitro to doubleteam Hardy, then hits him with an RKO. Carlito hits Orton with the Lungblower but stumbles backward into the Masterlock. Crazy makes the save with a missile dropkick and goes for the moonsault, but Jeff Hardy shoves him off the top and hits the Swanton. Nitro sneaks in, dumps Hardy, and gets the pin. Nitro is such a son of a bitch. I love it. I like how they put everyone not named “Cena” or “Edge” in there and let them get themselves over in the ring. ***

Another “Cryme Tyme” promo. “Y” is the new “X,” I guess. Unfortunately, Whitey rolls up in a sweet ride and axes fo da 411 on a country club, yo. Shad jacks his ride, foo. (Thankfully, everyone seemed to get my “Fear of a Black Hat” reference, which is kind of what they’re going for here. Unfortunately, Bob Ross got no love.)

DX introduces a video tribute to Vince, and Hunter reads a poem. Hopefully, this marks the end of the feud. If there’s one thing that can top Hell in a Cell for ending a feud, it’s iambic pentameter.

Candice Michelle vs. Lita.
Lita seems pissed, and she takes it out on poor Candice. Candice elbows her way back and hits a spinning wheel kick?! Sure, it sucked, but she’s trying. Lita comes back with a suplex and a sleeper. A Russian Leg Sweep gets two for Lita. Candice tries a schoolgirl rollup, but that only pisses Lita off further. I like how JR and King pass of the crowd’s “You suck dick” chant as something indecipherably French. Lita goes up for the moonsault, but Mickie James comes down to distract her. That allows Candice to sneak in and powerbomb Lita off the top for the win at 5:37. Lita is in shock. Edge is in shock. Jamie Lee Curtis is in shock…possibly. Well, you gotta rebuild the division somehow, and these three seem to be all the healthy women left on Raw. 1/2*

The West Texas Wannabes assure Edge that they will be the freshest men in the match.

Edge, Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch (w/Lita) vs. John Cena, Triple H & Shawn Michaels.
Donnybrook to start. The crowd is uncharacteristically silent because they don’t like anybody in the match. Cade pummels Cena Hansen-style, which has a nice symmetry because Bradshaw is apparently officially retired. Cena explodes with a flying shoulderblock. YOU CAN’T SEE ME! FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Shawn tags in and gets some “You Screwed Bret!” chants, but that trend seems to be dying out. Cade and Murdoch actually have a few good doubleteam maneuvers in their repertoire. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a while before they can realistically enter the tag title picture because the current champs are also heels. Actually, they need Sunny as their valet, and I mean the current chunky Sunny. They can do Britney Spears jokes where she and Murdoch are redneck lovers. Shawn gets caught in the wrong corner and plays face-in-peril. He gets out of trouble with a backdrop and an enzuigiri. HOT TAG TO TRIPLE H! Hunter cleans house and gets the default face pop. Cade breaks up the Pedigree with a Clothesline from Hell. Edge introduces a chair but gets spinebustered. Shawn snatches the chair away from Murdoch and smacks him with it for the DQ at 7:46. **3/4

Final Thoughts: Nothing particularly earth shattering, but not bad either. I like that they’re rallying around the young talent and putting some focus on the midcard instead of doing the same old thing. Whether or not that trend continues, we’ll see next week.