The RAWtopsy 11.28.05

WWE Raw — 11/28/05

Live from Cleveland, Ohio.

Your hosts are Joey Styles, Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lawler..

An unhappy Eric Bischoff opens the show, threatening to browbeat the Raw locker room for their failure. Failure will not be tolerated. Sadly, I typed that before he even said it. He calls the Raw roster down to the ring, but no one comes. Vince McMahon struts out, though. MY NIGGA! DIS MY SHIT! DIS MY SHIT! He tells Bisch that he’s undermined him with the Raw roster and told them not to listen to him. Vince says, in light of Bischoff’s goals last night, he could be considered a failure. Vince gives him an ultimatum: set a goal and accomplish it, or he’ll be fired. “Ah ha, my goal is to get fired! Deal with that one, McMahon!” Bischoff says Vince will have a hard time replacing him. Well, he had Shane McMahon ready two years ago when they did the same angle. And just after I type that, Shane McMahon bounces out. Whoa there, Simba. Calm down. Shane says he was born to do the job. Prediction: In two hours, we hear the “Goodbye” song.

Shawn Michaels vs. Carlito.

I guess the bloom is off the rose? Carlito blames Michaels for the loss on WWE.com. Coach comes up with a pretty funny way to blame Michaels: what kind of captain lays unconscious on the outside of the ring while his teammates are getting eliminated? They chop away until Carlito gets a chinlock backbreaker. From there, it’s like Bret/Shawn on one-quarter speed. Shawn skins-the-cat, but Carlito clotheslines him out. PESCADO! ESTA FRIO! Yes, I know the translation is different. Back in, they trade chops in the corner. Carlito comes off the second-rope with a crossbody, but Michaels rolls through. Shawn with the flying forearm and kip-up, but he injures his knee on the landing. He takes a breather on the outside, but Carlito delivers a sliding dropkick. Both Shawn and the ref look pissed. We come back from commercial to Carlito holding a single leg crab. Michaels counters a figure-four to a small package for two. Shawn blocks a charge with the bad leg and goes up. Carlito crotches him, but Shawn comes off with the elbow drop anyway. He can’t hit Sweet Chin Music because of what is apparently a pulled hammy. Carlito drops him with the DDT, but Shawn kicks out at two. Shawn misses another attempt but counters the Roll of the Dice to a third attempt and gets the win at 13:45. Carlito seemed more motivated than usual. **1/2

Kurt Angle demands satisfaction from Bischoff. No, not that kind. He wants his WWE title, and he’s not above threatening the GM to get it.

Although I’m a Gamecube loyalist, I got a chance to play Smackdown vs. Raw. The running commentary is really weird because it’s just kind of random and filled with inane banter and cliches not really related to the match. IT’S JUST LIKE THE REAL THING!

In the back, Maria asks Bischoff if he thinks he’s going to get fired tonight. Bischoff makes a match between Maria and Kurt Angle. Bischoff says his goal for tonight is not to hear Maria ask another stupid question. Hmm, I wonder if someone might interfere. Someone who’s done a number of comedy segments with Maria.

Maria vs. Kurt Angle.

Maria’s lips say no, but her body language says, “It’s very cold in here.” Daivari comes out to referee, but Chad Patton argues with him. It comes to blows, and no one is better at blowing than Daivari. Daivari kicks his ass and throws him to the outside where he’ll come in handy when Daivari gets taken out of the match by John Cena. Angle offers a hug a la Marc Mero a few years ago. Of course, he doublecrosses her and hits the Angleslam. That brings out Cena, but Chris Masters takes him out and locks in the Masterlock. Bischoff comes out with a new goal. He wants to see Cena tap out, so he makes a Triple Threat Submission match. Maria was wearing blue panties, by the way. [NR]

Shawn Michaels’ new book is out. A lot of those quotes sound really pretentious. Shawn likens Montreal to a Mafia hit. So he was what, “Big Pussy”?

Trish Stratus, Micki James & Ashley Massaro vs. Victoria, Candice Michelle & Torrie Wilson.

In honor of Shawn’s book, I’m going to try a novelization approach for this match. Ahem. “Although I had not been a virgin for many years, the sight of Torrie Wilson’s white fur boots made me feel like I was back in junior high, masking my erection with a Biology textbook. As I watched Ashley counter a leg scissors and attack the heel Divas, I thought back to the time my grandfather gave me his special golden locket, which he took off a German soldier during WWII. It was the last gift I would ever receive as he died the next day from autoerotic asphyxiation. Each time I look at that locket I think of my grandfather with a noose around his neck and an orange wedge jammed in his mouth. I watched Micki James hit a Stratusfaction bulldog on Victoria, her legs bouncing swiftly off the ropes and driving the Diva’s face into the mat. I’d seen dames like her in my time, but one look at those ruby red lips told me she was trouble. Even as she pinned Victoria’s shoulders and posed for a moment too long with Trish Stratus’ belt, I said to myself, ‘Dunn, stick with this dame and you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a bullet.’ But I didn’t care. I needed her like a wino needs a cheap bottle of Wild Turkey. I was an addict, and my jones was for the sweet, smooth skin of Micki James.” 1/2*

Shane-O-Mac comes in to taunt Bischoff. Bischoff tells Shane he’s just a card-carrying member of the lucky sperm club. THEY HAVE CARDS NOW! EWWWWWWW! Shane takes exception and threatens to go to work on him with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

Angle and Daivari finally realize that all Angle has to do is lock in a simple submission hold and Daivari will ring the bell. THANK YOU! Masters, of course, has to screw it up by having Daivari taken out of the match.

Highlights from the UK Tour.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Trevor Murdoch.

I don’t think Murdoch takes too kindly to Benjamin’s kind, if you get my meaning. Benjamin sees him coming and knocks him to the floor. A flying clothesline follows. Murdoch avoids a splash, but Shelton blocks a double ax-handle in his general vicinity. Benjamin hits the leg whip but misses another flying clothesline off the top. Styles says that Murdoch and Cade have parted ways. A Flatliner gets two for Murdoch, but Shelton comes back with a splash in the corner. Murdoch rolls him up, though, and grabs a handful of tights for the win at 3:13. I can only assume Shelton was caught getting a blowjob from Stephanie McMahon while injecting steroids and upgrading his plane tickets. 1/2*

The Bret Hart DVD is out now. Review is done and forthcoming exclusively at 411! Just go get it.

Triple H comes out amidst verbal fellatio from the announce crew. Hunter is not a bad man. He made sure Ric Flair got the best treatment once he got to the hospital. He thinks Flair should be proud because he got put out by the Triple H. While we hide behind our anonymity, he acts. He says no one has the balls to run him down to his face. The Big Show interrupts and calls Hunter a piece of shit. Hunter tries to respond, but Show slaps the microphone out of his hand. THANK YOU! SHOW IN ’08! Hunter gets hisself a case of the limber tail and runs like a scalded dawg. You know you miss him too.

World Tag Titles: Kane & Big Show vs. Tyson Tomko & Gene Snitsky.

We JIP to Kane in trouble. He slams Snitsky’s head into the mat and makes the tag to Show. Show takes out his aggressions on unattractive challengers. Tyson Tomko falls victim to the chokeslam a few moments later. Kane gives Show a big pat on the back and offers to take him to the Coheed & Cambria concert. 1/4*

WWE Heavyweight Title, Triple Threat Submission Match: John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Chris Masters.

The announcers wonder how Cena could possibly get either of these guys to submit without a submission move in his repertoire. Well, he could play them selected tracks from his album. Cena attacks Angle right off the bat, but Masters and Angle team up to dismantle him. Angle double-crosses Masters and tosses him. Cena makes the comeback and tries for the FU. Angle counters to the Anklelock, but Masters makes the save and puts Kurt in the Masterlock. Kurt fades, but Cena breaks it up eventually. Masters turns his aggressions on Cena and puts him in the Masterlock. Cena starts to pass out, so Angle makes the save. Wait a tick! I think I’ve detected a flaw in Bischoff’s master plan. Angle slides out of a Masterlock attempt and slaps on the Anklelock. Cena breaks it up with a double ax-handle. The crowd boos his big comeback and cheers for Masters when he catches him with a clothesline. Angle brings in a chair, but Cena boots it into his face and uses the chair on Masters. The STF finishes Masters moments later at 7:05. Vince, who’s watching in the back, promises to take out the trash next week. **

Final Thoughts: If the stipulation sticks, it will be a good way to shake Raw out of the doldrums. Bischoff is a good performer, but the WWE crew seems to have no idea how to write for him. He’s just kind of a weasel, and anyone can play that role. Shane provides some much-needed energy. Of course, they used a lot of vague language, so it might not even happen. Vince might bring back Duke Droese for all I know. The only other segment of note was the Big Show standing up to Hunter, but it’s been done before (say, where is Bubba Dudley?) and Hunter always comes out on top, so I’m not exactly marking the match down on my calendar. Not a bad Raw, but a typical one for coming off a PPV and not having another one for a few months.

J.D. Dunn