The SD! Highlight Reel 09.01.05

The SD! Highlight Reel
September 1, 2005 A.D.
Taped from: Jacksonville, FL
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

Welcome all, as tonight’s episode of SmackDown! emanates from my olde stomping grounds of Jacksonville, FL, located within (and wholly consisting of) the great County of Duval. And an historic edition it will be, as this is the final episode of SD! to air on THURSDAY NIGHTS. *weeps*

With pleasantries now complete, let’s head straight to the action!

Match #1: Singles Contest: John Heidenreich w/ Animal vs. Joey Mercury w/ Johnny Nitro & Melina Perez

Mercury bails to start as Animal crashes the ring, while Nitro is donning the shades indoors. Crowd chants for ‘L.O.D.’ as Mercury finally re-enters the ring; Heidenreich throws Mercury to the turnbuckle, Mercury leaps up the ropes but is picked up by Heidenreich; Mercury escapes the predicament only to fall victim to a lariat, and he bails. Heidenreich labels Mercury with a lariat on the outside, but Nitro begins an assault on the larger man, eventually tossing him back into the ring. Mercury hits a standing dropkick, and tosses his hair aside, very pleased with himself, before dropping a knee and grabbing a mouth-lock. Mercury stomps on Heidenreich a bit now before cinching in a rear chinlock; John tries to fight out …. Yes, he’s up! Mercury breaks the hold and runs in … Heidenreich gets the elbow up! John hurls Mercury into the NW corner and runs in with a lariat; cross-ring Irish Whip is followed up by a boot to the face, as Mercury is now reeling. Joey comes back with a couple clubbing blows, however, though Animal clips his ankles as he was running the ropes.

This allows Heidenreich to catch him in a two-handed choke bomb! 1 ……….2 ………… ……….. 3!!

Okay.

Post-match, Animal hits the ring, but so too does Nitro! DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE from Animal! Animal picks Melina up for ……. DOOMSDAY DEVI …….. no! Mercury tosses Heidenreich off the turnbuckle! M.N.M. then slings Animal into the ring-steps and double teams Heidenreich! ………. SNAP-SHOT#!

Backstage Jillian Hall informs Palmer Cannon that M.N.M. is soon to become the new WWE Tag Team Champions; Cannon compliments her on her wonderful earrings, overlooking a fairly obvious entity within the region.

Stacy & Christy now enter Messer Cannon’s office; he assures them that they do indeed have a place on SmackDown! — in fact, he’s already “booked” them for matches this evening!

……. fully clothed, naturally.

Cowboy Bob Orton now stands centre-ring, introducing us to “the man who killed the legend of the Undertaker, the future of this business,” Randy Orton. Orton strides out with a look of stuck-glee emanating from his visage, pointing all the way at good old dad.

Pops hugs his boy and passes the mic, beseeching Randy the Wonderful to make comment. Orton obliges, first telling an anecdote of how his father once told him he would be the biggest and greatest thing in the wrestling business …… and he was right! Randy now has an open question for the thousands in attendance ….. have any one of them seen The Undertaker in the building?

Clearly they haven’t, although it is obvious they respect the Undertaker.

Ladies and gentleman, please place a bid on the Undertaker DVD that I have recently signed. Vince McMahon stands to make a large profit off my signature by milking your worthless wallets for all you own. You only have until 10:30 PM Eastern Standard Time to bid, though, so don’t delay; make Vincent Kennedy Moneybags a happy man, today!

Randy now invites UT to come to SD! next FRIDAY night and accept the retirement fund that Randy is currently procuring for him via the DVD auction. That is next Friday, however, and tonight is tonight. And tonight, Randy is facing one Rey Mysterio, Jr. Unlike Cowboy Bob, Rey has been a horrible father to his son; he’s lied to him constantly, and will have to do so once again tomorrow morning when little Dominick asks him if he won tonight … because if he doesn’t, he’ll be forced to admit he fell victim to the R.K.O.

Chris Benoit stands by with Josh Mathews, and he has another idea of something that could possibly take approximately 25.5 seconds to complete …… utilizing restroom facilities! Chris hands Josh a stopwatch, and asks him to go to work ……the door closes ….. . 5 ……. 10 …….. *FLUSH!* ………. 15 …….. 20 . ? …… ? …….. CHRIS!! 23.4 seconds! Reset that clock Josh, because he’s prepared to defeat Orlando once again!

Match #2: Singles Contest for the Heavyweight Championship of the United States: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit (c)

A clock runs at the lower-left hand of the screen, indicating if Benoit can keep his prior pace; Random brawling starts this one off, with Jordan pounding on Benoit in the corner at the 12 second mark. Benoit fights for the cross-face at 18.1!! He’s got it! Will …… 19.2 …….. Jordan ……. 20.1 …….. tap???? 21.2 …. YESS!@!! Jordan taps at 21.8 seconds, even though the WWE-sponsored clock doesn’t stop until 23.4; either way, it clearly bests Benoit’s previous record!

It’s gotta be the hair man; I think Jordan’s the reverse Samson.

Marcus Stroud and other members of the Jacksonville Jaguars are in attendance; he was also there back in December ’03 the last occasion SmackDown! stopped by town. Tazz claims Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio had him running sprints & stairs earlier this afternoon.

Match #3: Singles Contest: Christy Hemme vs. Stacy Keibler

Stroud is caught cheering on Stacy’s ring rope-laden entrance, as the two ladies shake hands to start. Collar-&-elbow lockup kicks things off; Christy tosses Stacy aside, although she cartwheels out …..

Cue TECHNO music!! It’s Sylvain Grenier in a long white coat w/ popped collar! Sylvain indicates the ladies should step aside, as he wrests a mic from ringside.

The gals enjoy a good laugh, while Grenier begins his opening promo …

Now that’s what you call an entrance! You call yourselves Divas? Look at the way you dress; you’re nothing compared to the sexiness and style of ……… SYLVAIN.

But wait! Bob Holly is IN THE BUILDING. The crowd chants his name! ‘HOL-LY! HOL-LY!’ According to Bob, no one really cares how “Sylvester” walks to the ring; just like every red-blooded American male in attendance, he’s here to see these hot chicks get it on!

Sylvain attempts to placate Holly by placing a loving hand on his left shoulder, patronizingly addressing him as “Bobby, Bobby” …….

PUNCH!! Holly wails on Grenier! Grenier hits the exits, shocked at the impropriety displayed by Holly!

Bob’s not so dismayed, though, as he enjoys a great three-way group hug with the ladies!

Backstage Theodore R. Long talks things over with Palmer Cannon; Cannon informs Long that JBL wanted his Title match next week to be a Texas Bull Rope Match, and the network consented! Furthermore, Layfield asked for the night off, and he got it too!

They’re walking a fine line with these guys, as Teddy is genuinely excited about the matches Cannon’s ‘Network’ is providing, and vice versa, yet we can see that said ‘Network’ is in the pocket of SD!’s heel stars, which should grate on Long in the long-term.

Capt. Charisma joins our announcers at ringside, prepared to add his commentary expertise to ….

Match #4: Singles Contest: Booker T w/ Sharmell vs. “Mr.” Ken Kennedy

Kennedy asks for Chimmel’s mic so he can best perform his schtick; he’s very disappointed in the job Tony provided for the fans in attendance, critiquing his diction in particular.

Kennedy’s voice now graces the stick, emphasizing ‘ONE FALL,’ ‘GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN,’ ‘242 LBS.’ & ‘KENNEDY …… kennedy …..’

Ken then asks Book if he “can dig that,” but takes a quick right hand right to his grille, and is absolutely dominated by kicks, punches, chops, and stomps in the NW corner; Book hits a elbow to Kennedy’s face, followed up by a Scoop Slam; Kennedy reverses an Irish Whip, only to eat a Super Kick to the mouth! 1 ……… 2 ………… 2.43! Book follows up with some chops across Kennedy’s virgin chest; big back body drop by Mr. T and a cover …… 1 ……… 2 …………… 2.65! Kennedy off the ropes, misses a spin kick …….. and hits it coming back with the other leg! Ken approaches the fallen Booker now in the NE corner, stomping him the entire way. Christian now claims he’s suffering from a deviated septum, as he and Tazz talk medicine. Meanwhile, Kennedy hits Booker with a knee to the face; Booker comes back with right hands and chest chops; Irish Whip by Kennedy ….. knee whip! Booker elbows out of a back suplex, runs the ropes ….. and right into another high knee! Kennedy stalks Booker now against the ropes, pummeling him with straight rights, mixing in the occasional knee. Irish Whip; reversed by Booker! Side Kick!!

Double KO initiated by Referee Nick Patrick; Kennedy climbs aboard the ropes at the count of four, but walks right into some Booker T striking offense; Booker off the ropes …… flying cross-body! 1 …… 2 ………… 2.34! Booker goes high …… Kennedy hotshots him across the ropes! Swinging neckbreaker by Kennedy! IW to Booker ….. Book comes back with a lariat! And another! Book telegraphs a back drop and gets drilled in the face ……. Kennedy walks into a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTA@! ……… SPIN-A-ROONIE!! Leg Lariat by Booker T! Booker goes up top ………. And the camera pans to the announce table?!??1 Sharmell grabs a microphone, where she calls Christian out as a “coward” and the two engage in a heated exchange of words; meanwhile, Kennedy follows Book up top ………… SUPER SAMOAN ROLL #@!!! 1 ………… 2 ……………….. 3!!

The winner of your match ……. ‘MR. KENNEDY ……… kennedy …………….’

That Kennedy echo thing should catch on huge. He and Christian could be gold on the mic together.

Booker & Sharmell exchange words as he tries to shake off the hangover-like effects induced by Kennedy’s finishing maneuver.

Simon Dean scoots on down to the ring, calling Jacksonvillians “oinkers” all the way down. While some may be skeptical of his “Simon System,” he has prove positive it’s effective —- just look at his opponent tonight, closet Simon System addict Dave Batista!!

I think Vince should take this Simon Dean character and make it an out-&-out satire of Victor Conte / BALCO.

Match #5: Non-Title Singles Contest: Simon Dean vs. Heavyweight Champion of the World Dave Batista

Some middle-aged lady and her hot daughter hold up a sign reading ‘BATISTA THE SEXY ANIMAL.’

Dave says he cannot recall having ever used Simon’s product; that said, he is very conscious about his fitness and would be extremely excited to try it. Dean then passes him a drink, and Dave takes an approving sip …. he then gulps down some more! Dave quickly exclaims that he feels BIGGER! and STRONGER! And ………….. MORE AGGRESSIVE!

Ring that bell!

Big lariat by Dave, and he coaxes Simon ever closer …….. MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSSTA@!! Dave then polishes off another shake as Simon lies down grabbing his back, and Dave exhibits a Milton Bradley-esque state of Roid Rage as he goes thumbs down! BATISTA BOMB!! 1 ………… 2 ……………….. 3!!

Match #6: Tag Team Contest: Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki vs. William Regal & Paul Burchill

Wild brawling to start, as the faces chase the heels off, and Scotty goes baseball sliding to the outside to take care of Regal! Scotty roughs him up a bit back in the ring before giving way to Funaki, and Regal tags in Burchill; Paul gets victimized by a pair of hip tosses and a monkey flip, but soon uses his power to domineer the smaller Funaki, and he tags back to Regal. Regal nails Funaki with repeated knee lifts to the cranium; t-bone suplex by Regal results in a 2 count by Referee Jimmy Corderis, and he tags in Burchill; Burchill gets a quick 2 count as well before picking up Funaki and knocking him straight back down with a measured right handed uppercut. Regal tags back in, as Funaki appears isolated here …….. no! arm drag by Funaki! Tag to Scotty!

Scotty goes wild with right hands all OVER the place and even CLOTHESLINES Burchill! Scotty hauls Regal into the ring ….. double team back body drop by Scotty & Funaki to Regal!! Regal bails and cheapshots Scotty, allowing Burchill to hit a Tombstone-esque shoulder breaker! FUJIWARA ARMBAR applied to the lame left shoulder of Mr. 2 Hotty! Will ……. he …………. t ……..… YES!! Scotty simply had no recourse there, as Burchill is a BEAST.

On Tap for next Friday night: Benoit / Jordan III! Batista / JBL III! M.N.M / LoD2005 II! Will UT appear to collect his retirement??? And ……. Mysterio / Guerrero inside a steel cage!

And Eddie has some choice words for one Rey Mysterio, Jr. ….

Rey, are you happy? Are you really happy? Well, I hope so, considering you didn’t just get my son … you got my entire family. Eddie sulks down into contemplative heel mode now ……. Vicki …. When she pushed the ladder ….. I …… I realised something. It wasn’t just to save your family. I realised that as you gained your family I lost mine. I LOST EVERYTHING@!!!!#@q@ Now, I can sit back and blame you, but that wouldn’t be honest. It is my fault. It’s my fault I lost everything. I had you beaten so many times during that match, but no; no, I wanted to make you suffer; I wanted to give you a chance. But that ….. that’s a mistake I recognise. And one I’ll make never again. But first ask yourself this, Rey …. how can you beat someone ………. how can you beat someone who’s … — … already lost everything???

Match #7: MAIN EVENT Singles Contest: “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr.

Randy makes some indistinguishable gestures with his hands and arms before calmly approaching the smaller Mysterio …. KICK! to Rey, and Randy dumps him headlong to the floor. Orton follows to claim his advantage, although he simply tosses Rey back inside; IW and a clothesline to Rey crumples the diminutive Californian, as Randy exclaims ‘YOU SHOULD NOT BE IN HERE WITH ME, YOU UNDERSTAND??’ ……. Tilt-a-whirl Headscissors by Rey! he leads Orton on a wild chase before running him all the way to the floor! Rey now performs the “Orton pose” atop an adjacent turnbuckle before kicking him in the midsection and placing Orton in the SE corner and performing a ten-punch to the most raucous count-along I’ve ever heard; the final number was twelve, although Orton re-asserts himself by simply shoving Rey through the ropes and to the floor.

Back inside, Randy catches Rey with a side headlock, wrenching those neck muscles until Rey crumples on down to his backside. Randy eventually works him all the way to the floor until the position devolves into a chokehold that Referee Brian Hebner forces Orton to break. Randy drops a high right knee now atop the splayed body of Mysterio, who crawls on over to the SW corner; Orton slaps him around and channels JBL by calling him “little boy’” .-0-…. Rey with repeated kicks to Orton’s left leg! Orton’s left knee joint is now stinging him! Randy works through it, though, and picks Rey up into a HIGH Atomic Drop. Orton sets Mysterio against the middle rope in the SE turnbuckle before hitting a sick EuroCut for 2 and picking Rey back up into a rear headlock; Randy leans against the ropes for extra leverage before moving on to the grounded safety of the canvas. Rey attempts to reach around Orton’s face but no mas, so he simply kicks his way out! Ohhhh, but Orton simply slings him down via Rey’s mask and Randy continues to strike and Rey’s head-&-neck region. Randy steps on Rey’s temple now, and picks Mysterio up into a suplex position ……. Delayed vertical suple …….. still delayed ……… no! Mysterio shifts the weight, and rolls back into a pin! 1 ………. 2 ………….. 2.87!! Rey boots Orton’s gut, kicks him ….. SPRINGBOARD MYSTERIO BULLDOG!! Lil’ Heb’ counts the double KO …… 1 ………2 ………….3 ………. Mysterio stirring ………… 4 …….. Orton still motionless …….5 ……….6 ……. Mysterio drapes over Orton ……1 ……..2 ………… 2.78!!

Mysterio runs the ropes now …. Oh, but right into an Orton standing dropkick! 1 ……..2 …………… 2.68!! 1 …….. 2 ……….. 2.45!! ………. 1 ………… 2 …………. 2.19!! Randy’s frustration is becoming increasingly evidenced by his physical demeanor, as he ventures up high, stares at Mysterio, and calls for the high elbow drop ……… BOOT TO RANDY’S GRILLE!! Orton falls against the middle rope! Rey crawls over to the opposing ropes to attempt to capitalize with the 619 …… no, Randy’s up! Kick, kick to the back of Randy’s left knee, again working that region; Rey off the ropes …. SPRINGBOARD Crossbody …….. 1 ………2 ………………… 2.73!! Forearm uppercut by Orton! 1 ………. 2 ……….. 2.44!! Rey gets hung up in the ropes; Orton approaches ……. Boot!! SPRINGBOARD BUTTDROP by Rey ……… 1 ……………..2 ……………… 2.72!! Both men are left with nothing to do but crawl about the mat, attempting to regain anything resembling a modicum of energy ………. Mysterio approaches …. Orton drops him into the NW turnbuckle! Orton with punches and an IW to the anterior corner; Randy runs in ….. Rey leaps with his back to Orton and yet still catches him in a headscissors! Randy’s stuck against the middle rope ………. 6 …1 …………. 9!! PUT THAT TEN CENT CHANGE ON THE FLO ……. No, Cowboy Bob trips him up! Lil’ Heb notices the funny business and goes to speak with Bob, as Rey leaps toward Orton ……. UPPERCUT TO MYSTERIO’S NUTS@#!!! Randy sets Rey atop the SW turnbuckle ……………. SUPER R.K.O. !$#!@!!!! 1 …………. 2 …………… 3!!!

Bob runs in to congratulate his boy, and the pair perform the Orton pose back-to-back.

*AWWWW* how cute!