The Smackdown Breakdown 03.03.05

Corrections: You know it’s a bad sign when you have to correct yourself on stuff that hasn’t even come out yet. You can all check out my review of “The Best of Ricky Steamboat.” However, Mike Campbell pointed out that he had not reviewed Steamboat vs. Muta as I had said, but instead Sting vs. Muta. Sting. Steamboat. I guess it was the “st” at the beginning. Also, on a grander scale, I said that Terry Funk vs. Ricky Steamboat took place at the Great American Bash. In reality, it was Clash of the Champions VII. In my defense, they had a patriotic theme for that show, so it really, really looked like Great American Bash. Of course, I knew these things and with a little quick checking I could have avoided these mistakes. I throw myself on your mercy.

But, let’s talk about happier things: Coming soon to 411Wrestling…”The Curse of the Crippler.”

WWE Smackdown — 3/3/05

From Albany, NY.

Your hosts are Mikey Bagodonuts and Tazz.

John Cena joins us for some answers as to why he’s been all up in JBL’s Koolaid. He says he’s sick of JBL. He plays the class warfare card like a typical Massachusetts liberal! He says he used to use his hard earned money to buy high-quality WWE merch. JBL is more interested in riding around in his limo. He says that next time JBL will have to throw himself a party for being the WWE’s biggest bitch. Cena seems to be getting blacker. Maybe he was inspired by Chris Rock’s hosting of the Oscars. “You want the Rock. You wait for the Rock! You don’t get Sonny Siaki!”

WWE Tag Team Titles: Rey Mysterio & Eddy Guerrero vs. Mark Jindrak & Luther Reigns.

I guess Jindrak and Reigns have kissed and made up…until they break up this week, I suppose. Luther tells Jindrak how it’s gonna be. Luther starts out with Eddy. He forces him to the corner and kicks him. Eddy comes back and tags Rey who comes in with a double ax-handle. Rey slides under Jindrak and delivers a seated dropkick. The ref is tied up with Eddy, though. Jindrak hot shots Rey on the top rope. Jindrak grabs a surfboard. Rey comes back with a bulldog. It’s not enough to make the tag, though. Luther comes in and slams him. Rey fights back and dropkicks Reigns in position for the 619. Jindrak breaks that up, but Rey slips through Reigns’ legs and tags Eddy. Eddy delivers dropkick after dropkick. Jindrak tries to powerbomb Rey, but Rey takes him over the top rope. Luther blocks the Triple Verticals, but Rey springboards into a Vertical Senton. Eddy finishes Reigns with the frogsplash. After the match, Reigns blames Jindrak again. Jindrak knocks him out with a single punch. Crowd seems…confused. **

In the back, Dawn Marie picks a fight with Michelle. What are these people even doing here? Dawn tells her to get a partner and meet her in the ring.

Theodore Long, in an effort to make Carlito Cool’s life miserable, demands he shovel snow.

Profile of the Rock in “Be Cool.”

Recap of Heidenreich and Booker’s match at NWO.

Booker T. vs. Heidenreich.

Booker attacks at the bell and keeps on top of him. Heidenreich takes quite the ass-kicking for the next few minutes until Booker goes into the rinpost. Back in, Heidenreich grabs an armlock. Booker punches out of it and delivers a thrust kick. An ax kick knocks Heidenreich down again. Booker charges into a boot and gets leveled with a clothesline. Heidenreich grabs a chair from the outside, but Booker kicks it back into his face. Booker gets a DDT on the chair for the lame disqualification. Remember how I was saying last week how I was saying that the paths of the Raw and Smackdown tag team champions mirrored each other. Well, this seems to be an exact retread of the Benjamin-Snitsky angle. 1/2*

The Cena-Bradshaw “A Few Good Men” spot. Bradshaw should consider a career in the talkies after he’s done with wrestling.

Kurt Angle comes out to gloat about the beatdown on Shawn Michaels.

Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle vs. Scott Wright.

Kurt’s opponent comes out in a hoodie, making Kurt think it’s Shawn. Of course, Shawn is standing right behind Kurt, disguised as a cameraman. It’s not exactly Bischoff as an old man, but it’s very effective. He attacks, and they do the pull apart thing. Big crowd heat for that. No match.

Security escorts Shawn out of the arena.

Mixed Tag: Rene Dupree & Dawn Marie (w/Fifi) vs. The Big Show & Michelle McCool.

Dupree and Trish must have the same abusive boyfriend. Dawn shoves Michelle down and slaps her. She does the hair stretch thing. Michelle kicks out of it and kips up. She cartwheels out of a whip. Dawn ducks into the corner, so Michelle does a lame back handspring elbow. She really needs a running start there. Dawn tags to Dupree. Dupree stalks Michelle, but she kicks him in the balls. Big Show tags in and busts out THE BIG TICKLER! He finishes with the chokeslam. Michelle looks like she has the athletic tools, but she’s very green right now. 1/4*

Carlito continues to shovel snow outside, which Michael Cole thinks is THE FUNNIEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF FUNNY!

John Bradshaw Layfield walks out to demand answers. He thinks he should be in the Hall of Fame, not Hulk Hogan. He wonders why he doesn’t get to celebrate. He tells us we have no choice — we MUST respect him. Yadda. Yadda. Yadda. Cena is a piece of garbage. JBL is happy never to have been a fan. He…is a wrestling…God. Gods don’t pay to see anybody. He runs down the fans and their parents for being poor like a typical Texas conservative! He demands our respect or he walks. And there he goes. COME BACK, SHANE!

The Cabinet asks where he’s going. JBL says he’s getting out of here. He does leave Jordan with an ultimatum: win the title or go back to the hood. Since we saw JBL leave with the Bashams, that means they’ll be back.

Chavo Guerrero congratulates Rey on his recent success. He warns him that Eddy likes to keep his friends close and his enemies even closer. Hmmm.

Joy Giovanni gushes to Big Show about the mixed-tag match. Funaki interrupts and asks what Show would think about facing Akebono. Show says it would be an honor. That would be pretty cool, even if the match sucks.

The WrestleMania recall is Jake Roberts and Honkytonk Man at Mania III.

WWE U.S. Title: John Cena vs. Orlando Jordan.

Cena gets an early schoolboy for two. Jordan knees him in the gut and takes him over into a headlock. Cena rolls him over into a cradle for two. Jordan gets frustrated and charges right into a backdrop. Cena clotheslines him but charges into a boot. Jordan tries to charge now and runs right into a sideslam. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Orlando rolls to the outside. We come back from commercial to Cena getting two off a hiptoss. Cena settles into a chinlock. Cena ducks under a crossbody and delivers a scoop slam. ROCKAWAY LEGDROP~! It gets two. Cena stomps him down in the corner. Back to a tie-up. Cena punches his way out of the corner, but OJ goes to the eyes. He scoops him into a Flair pin. It gets two. Cena rolls through another crossbody for two. He gets the mounted punches in the corner. OJ takes them and then delivers a powerbomb. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Jordan gets a roundhouse right for two. A reverse elbow gets two. Jordan goes to a surfboard. Cena elbows out but takes a nice dropkick to the head. That gets two. A legdrop gets two for Jordan. Back to the chinlock. Cene counters to a backdrop suplex. Cena charges but runs right into a powerslam. ONE, TWO, TH-NO! Cena comes back with a flying shoulderblock. Jordan picks up Cena’s chain, but Cena elbows him, sending the chain to the floor. An atomic drop sets up the Throwback for two. The Protobomb! Pump. Pump. Pump. FU! Here come the Bashams. Cena fights them off, but JBL shows up and nails Cena with the title belt. OJ crawls into the cover for the win and the U.S. Title. Good stuff until the end. ***1/4

Final Thoughts: I don’t know why they feel the need to telegraph the result of the Mania main event. They’re pretty much saying Cena won’t be needing the title for the next few months. The Chavo wrinkle is interesting in the Rey/Eddy angle. Shawn showing up was expected but still nice to see. I’m not sure what they hope to gain by splitting up Jindrak and Reigns considering neither one is over, but stranger things have happened. All in all, a middling show.

J.D. Dunn