The SmarK RAW Rant – February 17 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – February 17 2003

– So I finally got my hands on Smackdown: Shut Your Mouth, and I have to say it’s like crack in PS2 form. I can’t stop playing! Specifically, the awesome season mode, which is far and away the best version of a storyline mode I’ve ever seen in a wrestling game. I’ve been playing as Brock Lesnar and I’m into November 2002 now, and I gotta say that if the real storylines were handled as simply and with as many twists and turns as these ones, RAW wouldn’t be in the shape it is now. Example: There’s a traitor on Smackdown! Vince sends you to sniff around the locker room and find out who it might be. Of course, if you phrase the question the wrong way, you’re just as likely to end up in a 2-on-1 handicap match as a result of your lack of tact. Once you find the traitor, Vince sends you to RAW to recruit someone. Your choice. Of course, once it comes time for the big decision on their part, you might just get your ass kicked. Which then sets up the NEXT PPV and so on. Easy and effective, and it keeps you playing just so you can see what happens for ONE MORE show. Of course, the Smackdown engine still licks balls next to AKI’s No Mercy engine (counting the days to Def Jam Vendetta, baby!) but it’s serviceable enough. The lack of depth in grappling is a major pain, but then they haven’t altered the basic engine since the original game, so what can ya do? Graphics are sweet, although collision detection is tres shitty. This is obviously a next-generation graphics engine, as everyone has TONS of detail and the entrances are almost broadcast perfect. Everything runs at a speedy 60FPS. Movesets are incredibly accurate, down to RVD’s overblown mannerisms and the “oomph” that Brock Lesnar hits everything with. In another nice touch, wrestlers get “injured” and go away for a few weeks (or months, like with HHH) and then debut again later as surprise opponents. That’s all good stuff. The problem, and it’s one that plagued even the near-perfect No Mercy, is the god-awful AI. There’s just ZERO consistency in computer opponent skill – if it decides you have a chance to win, then your opponent is sluggish and slow to react, and if it decides you’re going to lose, then mash the buttons like your life depends on it and hope for the best. As a skill player who enjoys wearing down an opponent and then going for the kill, it’s annoying as all hell to suddenly have someone pop up from a killer move and start firing off offense at you with no chance to retaliate. Wrestling is about the give-and-take and artform of the match, which is the one thing that those who develop these fighting engines (outside of AKI) can’t seem to grasp. They spend all this time developing a great storyline system, but keep forgetting that it’s a WORKED sport, and winning and losing are less important than putting on a great match. I don’t mind losing to a superior computer opponent, but going out and getting my ass kicked in 40 seconds by Edge in a cage match where I’m not allowed to get any offense is just no fun. Also, the AKI innovation of selling body parts is completely lost here, as sometimes you can get a submission early in the match, and other times you can re-apply your move 8 or 9 times in a row only to have them shake it off and finish you seconds later. Minor problems like that aside, this stands as one of the greatest wrestling games I’ve ever played at this point, and Def Jam Vendetta will have its work cut out for it trying to beat this one. Highly recommended – pick up
WWE Smackdown! Shut Your Mouth here.

– Live from Columbus, OH

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening match: Rob Van Dam v. Lance Storm. The logical tag title match is announced for the PPV here. Storm takes Rob down to start, but gets monkey-flipped and retreats. Storm works him over in the corner, but Rob flips out with a cross-body for two. Rob suplexes him onto the apron, but ends up getting tossed into the railing as a result. Back in, a springboard clothesline gets two. Storm hammers away in the corner, but Rob comes back with a dropkick for two. Storm gets a jawbreaker and a legdrop for two. Storm hits the chinlock and Rob makes the comeback with a spinkick and they slug it out. RVD legsweeps him and works him over in the corner, into a springboard dropkick for two. Spinkick and standing moonsault gets two. Storm rolls him into the half-crab, but Rob makes the ropes. Rob gets an enzuigiri to break free and Rolling Thunder for two. Storm hotshots him, but walks into another spinkick, and Rob heads up, only to get stopped by Regal. Storm crotches him and follows him up, but heads back down the hard way and the frog splash finishes at 7:20. This was technically sound, but really dull and plodding. *

– Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy hangs out with HBK, and they manage to annoy Bischoff. He promises a big announcement later, however.

– As promised, Uncle Eric joins us. He invited someone here to RAW, because business is unfinished. And yes, it’s Chief Morley. So for his first act, Morley is reinstated. Well, that completes THAT bait-and-switch. So he makes a match with Shawn & Jeff against Christian & Jericho in order to reassert his authority. And the Dudleyz have been suspended and thrown out of the building. Plus we get Spike v. 3 Minute Warning. Eric lets us know that he’s a black belt, and thus we get an exhibition tonight…against JR. I think we already had our yearly JR wrestling appearance, thanks.

– Victoria & Jazz v. Jackie & Molly Holly. Can we please find another description for Jackie besides “spitfire”? I don’t ask much. Jazz pounds on Molly to start and gets a floatover suplex for two. Legdrop and Victoria comes in and gets rolled up for two. Molly chops away, but walks into an elbow and gets sideslammed for two. Powerslam gets two. Jazz tags herself in for two. This match isn’t exactly upping the excitement level for the show. Splash misses and Molly makes the hot tag to Jackie, but she walks into a lariat immediately. Jackie makes the comeback (are we in Dallas again?) , but Jazz finishes her with a DDT at 3:06. Wow, a DDT. ј* Jazz puts the beats on everyone afterwards, and the crowd is “stunned” (i.e., silent). Jazz & Victoria have their breakup afterwards. This feud is such a bad idea and the match is going to be death, heat-wise.

– You know, speaking as someone who lives in ACTUAL “blizzard-like conditions” 6 months of the year, that pathetic little amount of snow on the ground doesn’t impress me.

– Meanwhile, Booker lets us know that Goldust “ain’t right” since the accident. Can’t wait for that Tourette’s gimmick. I guess it works for the Osbournes, but still…

– Meanwhile, Evilution chills and makes fun of Goldust’s terrible condition. Those cads.

– And FINALLY, JR & King stop for a few words about Curt Hennig, complete with video package. See, that’s all we ask.

– Rodney Mack (Red Dawg, who was Cena’s buddy for like a week on Smackdown) and Teddy Long join us for more raging against the Man. It don’t get whiter than Snow, you know. Wow, that Mack, he’s big. You might almost say he’s…nah, too easy. Anyway, I’d ask how Mack jumped from Smackdown to RAW, but then I’d have to ask how Stamboli jumped from RAW to Smackdown, and down that path lies MADNESS. Besides, they should have jumped Long to Smackdown and done this gimmick with CENA, because then it not only has more heat, but it’s about a million times funnier.

– Rodney Mack v. Al Snow. Snow gets a huge face pop to wake up the crowd, but this should be a squash, which is right in line with WWE thinking these days. Snow attacks to start, but gets overpowered, but Mack misses a charge. He comes back with a powerslam, but Snow gets his trapped headbutts and heads up. Moonsault hits knee and Mack finishes with a horribly botched tiger bomb at 1:50, dropping him on the back of his head in sick fashion. Bad start for Rodney, and I bet the Man will be sending him back to OVW after that. DUD

– Meanwhile, Christian & Jericho prep for the tag match, and Jericho throws in a gum-spitting tribute to Hennig.

– Jeff Hardy & Shawn Michaels v. Christian & Chris Jericho. Big brawl to start and Jericho gets dumped, but blocks Jeff Hardy’s railrunner with a powerslam. Jericho & Christian pound on Shawn outside and introduce him to the steps, then handcuff him to the bottom rope. I bet Jeff is jealous. I’d check what the hankies say about it, but the joke is dead. Jericho taunts Shawn with the key while the heels pound on Jeff. Jeff makes his own comeback (heel turn? What heel turn?), but gets pounded down again. The heels go after Shawn and work him over with his own belt (again, Jeff is jealous), and then head back to Jeff again. That goes again for a while and Jericho keeps waving the key at Shawn, but gets superkicked and loses the key. Shawn unlocks himself as the match grinds to a halt, and gets the hot tag. He unloads his 1996 offense on Christian, but walks into an elbow. He dumps Christian and assists Jeff with a dive, then superkicks a chair into Jericho’s face. Hardy finishes Jericho with the swanton at 7:18. I don’t get this booking at all. Why constantly make Michaels look like a superhuman babyface who can foil every heel’s plan and won’t sell for anyone but HHH? I mean, okay, we know the answer to that question, but considering he’s on the show all of once a month and doesn’t even draw face pops from anyone outside of the teen girls and gay males anymore, it seems that there could be better choices to push these days. Not to mention that Jericho has a match with TEST at the PPV, last I heard, and this has nothing to do with it. Plus Jeff’s heel turn has been jettisoned without any real explanation. Match was a total carwreck, but at least it got the crowd going. *1/2

– Speaking of RAW logic, let’s hit the feedback for a moment…

”With RAW becoming ever so increasingly boring week by week, I stopped actively watching it about 2 months ago and have just recently begun to tune it out even when it’s on in the background. That being said, did the WWE ever bother to explain what the deal was between Trish and Victoria? Last I knew, Trish did something/didn’t do something/forgot to do something for or to Victoria in the past and Victoria was going to tell us all her secret. Then the feud became an exhibition in circular logic as the rationale was “These two hate each other because they’re fighting, but they’re fighting because they hate each other.”

Also, when was it assumed that Austin, who just two weeks ago was supposedly “very interested” in hearing Bischoff out, would gladly wrestle him at No Way Out? Unless they’re actually going to follow that up and bait-and-switch at the PPV by having Austin and Bischoff shake hands and begin working together.”

Don’t forget Jeff Hardy’s heel turn. Frankly I’m shocked they bothered explaining D-Lo’s departure without just pretending like Rodney Mack had been representing the repressed black athletes of the WWE all along.

– The Hurricane v. Chris Nowinski. Nowinski overpowers him to start, but walks into a lariat and gets rolled up for two. Hurricane dodges him, and then follows him out with a rana to the floor. Back in, Nowinski catches him coming in and gets a clothesline, and pounds away. That gets two. We hit the chinlock as the crowd gets wrapped up in chanting college slogans or something. Neckbreaker gets two. Hurricane rolls him up for two. Swinging DDT and Hurricane makes the comeback with the Midcard Neckbreaker and Edge-O-Matic for two. Buff Blockbuster misses and Nowinski gets a spinebuster for two. Eye of the Hurricane gets the pin at 3:40. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling, although it’s really just filler. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Morley runs through his JR clichйs to motivate Bischoff during a workout.

– Spike Dudley v. 3 Minute Warning. They faceplant him to start and drop elbows, and splash him in the corner. More exciting stomping and headbutting and they toss him around. Jamal gets the flying splash and Rico gets the pin at 3:29. Wow, what a thrilling use of 4 minutes that was. Seriously, who could have booked that segment and then thought to themselves “Yes, I believe people will want to watch this”? Rico is totally and completely wasted in this role, especially after seeing him single-handedly carrying OVW in that DVD I reviewed. DUD

– No Way Out rundown. The only thing that looks any good is the Smackdown six-man, and even that has been done to death.

– Meanwhile, Scott Steiner cuts the first coherent promo of his career. Of course they gave up on this feud a couple of weeks ago and Steiner will likely be laying down on his way out at the PPV, but it’s good that he’s making small steps.

– Scott Steiner & Booker T v. HHH & Batista. Booker starts with HHH and they fight over a lockup, and HHH grabs a headlock. Criss-cross and Booker chops away in the corner while JR & King desperately shill the PPV despite having nothing to sell aside from it being “star-studded”. Batista pounds on Booker and gets a corner clothesline. They should change his name to “Fridge” because he sucks the heat out of any ring he’s in. Lariat and HHH comes back in, but has to face Steiner. Steiner pounds him in the corner and gets his belly-to-belly. Kudos to JR for quoting Neil Young’s “Ohio”, although his references are showing their age. Steiner goes after Flair, and thus gets clocked by HHH and worked in the corner. Steiner gets dumped and Orton gets his shots in, giving HHH a two-count. HHH gets the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER to really crank up the crowd heat, but Steiner suplexes out. Booker comes back in and fights off the heels, spinkicking HHH and sidekicked Batista. Spinaroonie time, but Batista clotheslines him and it’s BONZO GONZO as Steiner cleans house and Booker axekicks HHH for the pin at 6:55. Well, that’s pretty unexpected. Could they actually be PUSHING Booker? TUNE INTO NITRO TO FIND OUT! Match was pretty bad, though. *

– Jim Ross v. Eric Bischoff. Coachman is back on commentary. Aren’t there laws against cruel and unusual punishment on cable TV? Eric decides to break some boards to get warmed up, with Morley’s help. That’s actually pretty impressive. Bischoff makes the match no-holds-barred, which allows Morley to help out. Eric gives us some crane style, but gets slapped down by JR. Morley comes in for the two-on-one beatdown and grabs a cinderblock, which Eric breaks on Jim’s head. Geez, not the Styrofoam blocks again. Lawler runs in to make the save, but gets laid out. JR does a silly bladejob, but still gets up. From having a CINDERBLOCK broken on his head? Bischoff gets the pin at 3:39. Like you have to ask what this gets. DUD The beating goes on and ON as Bischoff drinks beer and mocks Austin.

The Bottom Line: This show was like two hours of warm milk – liable to put you to sleep. They have no direction going into the PPV, with Scott Steiner looking like an obvious fall guy at this point and nothing else from the RAW side to add, and terrible shows like this one don’t help. Apparently Austin made his appearance in the arena after the show ended, again. They better hope he pops a buyrate, because otherwise they’ve pissed off a huge chunk of the RAW audience for nothing.

Until next week, BUY THE BOOK!